Is this depression or normal in seeing my kids grow up and start their own lives?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am 26, so not in the same spot as you are life-wise, but I can tell you how my parents handled losing me (the baby).

My dad took up woodworking. My mom took up hiking. Then they bought two horses and ride 3-4 times a week. My mom takes her mother out to lunch every Thursday. My dad has dinner with his friends the second Friday of the month at his favorite restaurant.

My parents attended family events at my school where they were alumni. They came to a couple football games. After the first 2 years, this happened far less. I graduated when I was 21 and in the last 5 years our relationship has become more of a friendly one. They are of course very interested in my life and I call them when I'm making major decisions or think of something that relates to them.

Your relationship with your kids is changing. You are getting the freedom to find new interests and spend more time with your husband and they are getting the freedom to grow into adults and learn about the world from a new view. It doesn't mean you have to leave each other behind. You have to accept the new experience. Your children are only "children" for 18 years. You are only 48. You probably have another 40 years to see who they are as adults and to continue playing a role in their lives.

What a great post!

Agree. I am going through many of the same things as OP. Kids leaving for college, becoming adults, and feeling a sense of loss. It is normal. Oh, by the way I'm a therapist and don't necessarily think that every parent who has these feelings needs therapy. This is a natural part of life and a major life transition. A lot of good advice has been given on this thread. Try some of the suggestions and give yourself some time to adjust. If you don't feel better in 6 mos it may be time to talk to someone. Good luck to us all!

Excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

You did a great job as a parent so be proud and happy! You just need to fill in your free time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just remember, they'll probably have kids in the next 10 years and you'll be a very active with-it grandma. You have a lot of great times to look forward to! Also, this is normal. Not every genuine or uncomfortable feeling needs to be medicated away!

might not be the case if they move far from home

You can't rely on grandchildren to make you happy. This is absurd. Then you become THAT in-law.

terrible advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

I love having a teenager (and one still in elementary). My kids are still loving and affectionate.

I don't own my kids. My goal is to raise them to be healthy, independent and happy.

I think many people have kids for the wrong reason. They are not your possessions. And when parents - mostly mothers on this forum - feel lost when their kids leave, there was always a void to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

I love having a teenager (and one still in elementary). My kids are still loving and affectionate.

I don't own my kids. My goal is to raise them to be healthy, independent and happy.

I think many people have kids for the wrong reason. They are not your possessions. And when parents - mostly mothers on this forum - feel lost when their kids leave, there was always a void to begin with.

Well to each his own. We were lucky that our children were very happy and slept well from the beginning.But I know a lot of people prefer their kids older. It's a very individual experience. In my world I went from, "Daddy I wuv you" to "What....ever".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

I love having a teenager (and one still in elementary). My kids are still loving and affectionate.

I don't own my kids. My goal is to raise them to be healthy, independent and happy.

I think many people have kids for the wrong reason. They are not your possessions. And when parents - mostly mothers on this forum - feel lost when their kids leave, there was always a void to begin with.

Well to each his own. We were lucky that our children were very happy and slept well from the beginning.But I know a lot of people prefer their kids older. It's a very individual experience. In my world I went from, "Daddy I wuv you" to "What....ever".

Honestly that sounds like poor parenting on your part. Brats aren't created in a vacuum.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. I did not read all the responses. My 3 kids have become 3 independent, self sufficient adults both financially and emotionally. Just don't be one of those parents that keeps their adult children from growing up by knowing everything. Let them figure things out for themselves. Let them make mistakes and grow. If they are struggling, just believe in them. Don't solve their problem. I see so many parents (especially mothers of boys) hold their adult child back by never giving them wings.

[Anonymous]

Tons of women go through this and they survive. Look at the positives - you are only 48, you're happily married and have a great life ahead of you. This is your time to do what you want to do. I had never done anything creative and decided to take up silver smithing and jewelry making. I've been taking classes for a few years, have my own in-house studio and work as much or as little as I want. I sell my jewelry in a bunch of stores, do trunk shows, selling parties at my home etc. It's enabled me to make a ton of new friends and I love doing it. I also took up golf which I really enjoy for the social aspect. Now my children are married and having babies so being a grandmother has become an important part of my life. So, like you I saw a big vacuum in front of me and I simply decided to fill it in with things I wanted to do - not someone else. Finally, I'm also happily married and being able to spend more time with my husband has been great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just remember, they'll probably have kids in the next 10 years and you'll be a very active with-it grandma. You have a lot of great times to look forward to! Also, this is normal. Not every genuine or uncomfortable feeling needs to be medicated away!

might not be the case if they move far from home

You can't rely on grandchildren to make you happy. This is absurd. Then you become THAT in-law.

terrible advice

I don't want to be your friend.

[Anonymous]

I am a father. The more you love something, the harder it hurts when it is gone. While you will always have a son or a daughter, their childhood ends, and they are their own person after a certain point. I loved being a father of children. The days were filled with holding hands, walks to school, recitals, camping trips, piano lessons, homemade presents, playing board games, far-away vacation, pictures on the first day of school, sleep overs, and bed time stories.
There is so much written about the challenges of parenting. None of them have been as painful as watching childhood fade away and saying goodbye. This is the dirty secret of parenting no one talks. Maybe I am too emotional, but this is killing me. The space that my kids filled, the way they grew my heart, leaves a massive void when they are gone. I don’t know how it can ever be filled in such a way again. And don’t tell me woodworking, golf, or hiking. Those are small substitutes for children who are fill with joy, wonder, and love for you.
Yes, I know they must grow and have their own lives. It is what I want for them. Yet, so far no one can convince me that there will as joyful days ahead as there were when my son asked me to lay in bed and tell a story, teaching them how to ride a bike, walking to school, singing around a campfire, building Legos, playing MarioKart with a bunch of kids. Life must go on, but damn it hurts.
My daughter is 17 and starting her senior year. She is not a kid anymore. She has a boyfriend, marching band, AP classes, sports, and a life of her own. I am just a smaller part of it now. She is with us and I love any moment she is in the house. I am going to savor this last year my daughter is home.
My son is 12. He has some boyhood in him. I love it when he still runs around and acts silly. He does not need bedtime stories, but he still likes my company. I am going to savor what I have before it is gone.
Yet, I am on the verge of depression. My house, like most houses, is filled with family photos from all ages, and decorated with their artwork. When I stop and look at those photos, I get on the verge of tears. I loved those days and they are never coming back. Yes, I am glad I had them, but I think I need help.
Is there a Northern Virginia group for people like us? Should I start one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! I so know what you are talking about. I miss my kids being young so badly and I have shed a lot of tears in private over this. My wife was a stay at home mom when the kids were younger. It was heavenly. We took a lot of pictures and video. I don't care what anyone says. Once they become teenagers the magic is definitely over. My idea of Heaven would be to be perpetually a young parent with young children. They were so loving and affectionate. I know life has to move on but it sucks and people who deny that are trying to convince themselves to be happy.

I can remember picking up my baby at preshool. Walking home with her on my shoulders and when we got home I made her a nice lunch or snacks and played Candyland or Pretty, Pretty Princess---she was a little girl. It was some of the best times in my life. Like I said anyone who thinks it's wonderful when they get older is kidding themselves. You just don't have a choice.

Aww this made me tear up. She will always be your little girl, just in a different way.

We have a daughter who we love to the moon and back. She grew up and married a guy who treats us like garbage. She has turned against her entire family. I realize this is probably something she has to do to survive life with her husband and in laws. Never in our wildest dreams did we think this would happen. We deserve happiness as we get older. We are getting better and better at just letting it go.

[Anonymous]

My buddy who is 55 is having his third kid next month and has a two year old and a seven year old. He won't have any issues when his last is grown and gone as he mostly likely will be dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should think about trying to get a job. This is not that difficult. Kids grow up, they move on, they get married and start spending Christmases with their inlaws. Time to buck up.

Please start your own thread "why I am miserable and need to inflict it on others, even those suffering".

I am shocked at how insensitive and downright mean some can be. Go away. OP- Good luck, its not easy to see a family in transition when the kids are all going their own way, especially when you are at a stay at home mom. It is much harder on a non working mom than a working mom in the sense that your entire existence has centered around the kids. I purposefully got a job managing a local retail design shop in my sons senior year for this very reason. Then I took myself back to school to not let any grass grow under my feet. It was a tough time made easier by being busy and throwing myself into as much as possible. In the end, you are better for yourself and happier and definitely better for those who love you. Hang in there..if it does not get better even with trying new things, seek the help of a good therapist. Best of luck and try to see the joy in what you have achieved!

Not the PP, but want to say the comment about getting a job is a good one. Why so hostile?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a father. The more you love something, the harder it hurts when it is gone. While you will always have a son or a daughter, their childhood ends, and they are their own person after a certain point. I loved being a father of children. The days were filled with holding hands, walks to school, recitals, camping trips, piano lessons, homemade presents, playing board games, far-away vacation, pictures on the first day of school, sleep overs, and bed time stories.
There is so much written about the challenges of parenting. None of them have been as painful as watching childhood fade away and saying goodbye. This is the dirty secret of parenting no one talks. Maybe I am too emotional, but this is killing me. The space that my kids filled, the way they grew my heart, leaves a massive void when they are gone. I don’t know how it can ever be filled in such a way again. And don’t tell me woodworking, golf, or hiking. Those are small substitutes for children who are fill with joy, wonder, and love for you.
Yes, I know they must grow and have their own lives. It is what I want for them. Yet, so far no one can convince me that there will as joyful days ahead as there were when my son asked me to lay in bed and tell a story, teaching them how to ride a bike, walking to school, singing around a campfire, building Legos, playing MarioKart with a bunch of kids. Life must go on, but damn it hurts.
My daughter is 17 and starting her senior year. She is not a kid anymore. She has a boyfriend, marching band, AP classes, sports, and a life of her own. I am just a smaller part of it now. She is with us and I love any moment she is in the house. I am going to savor this last year my daughter is home.
My son is 12. He has some boyhood in him. I love it when he still runs around and acts silly. He does not need bedtime stories, but he still likes my company. I am going to savor what I have before it is gone.
Yet, I am on the verge of depression. My house, like most houses, is filled with family photos from all ages, and decorated with their artwork. When I stop and look at those photos, I get on the verge of tears. I loved those days and they are never coming back. Yes, I am glad I had them, but I think I need help.
Is there a Northern Virginia group for people like us? Should I start one?

wow, you really get it PP! I think you should start a group in meetup!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: You lost me at "but being home with my kids came first."

My kids come first which is why I work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table.

np. You are taking her comments to be an insult to your choice but, really it is not. She is explaining why she is feeling sad which is totally understandable especially since she devoted her life mainly to being there for them. Nobody is saying working parents don't feel sad but, there is a difference. Difference does not mean less than. No need for snark on your end.