Veteran moms: Tell us what the first month is like...

[Anonymous]

If I'd advise you on one thing, it would be to have your DH enlisted for help (and other help, if you can summon it). If you know DH is in charge of cooking, taking out the trash, cleaning the house, diaper changes or whatever other things you guys agree on, you can focus on the baby. My biggest surprise was how much of a Neanderthal my husband became right after birth. He expected me to take care of baby, cook and clean, and take car of other odds and ends (bills and household admin). He had just started a new job, hence no leave and no understanding of what it took to care for the baby.

This is obvious, but a good point. Most husbands are keen to help with baby but PP's point is worth highlighting. Also, if someone offers to hold/watch the baby, let them! And then get out of dodge. I remember my MIL was visiting during those early weeks, and she suggested I go outside for a walk. I walked around the blocks (we lived downtown in a trendy neighborhood) and it felt amazing, if over-stimulating, to be alone for a few minutes, or with DH on a gelato break.

[Anonymous]

My aunt told me the first 6 weeks were really just like one loooong day. I agree with this statement. Day vs night doesn't matter. The days blur into each other. Then you start to get the hang of it, you learn the baby's cries and signals and your body gets used to the relentless schedule.

With all this, it is still the most beautiful experience. Take tons o pictures, snuggle, enjoy it. As long as the days may seem, it is only a short period of time. Your baby will be smiling at you soon and eventually sleeping through the night. I would do it all again to be able to get a neck snuggle from a newborn.

Congratulations.

[Anonymous]

This is all very good advice! I am expecting #2 and it was really helpful to refresh my memory. I would add, i

1. I you deliver vaginally, in addition to the heavy duty pads, get some Tucks and this numbing spray (can't remember the name, but I think they have it in the hospital).

2. Your first poop may be a challenge. Get some Colace.

3. You will get through on adrenaline. I am a light sleeper and my body was quickly trained to wake up every three hours to feed.

4. Once DH goes back to work, find a mom's group. It was so very helpful to have people to talk to and a reason to get out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a sling. Stuff the baby in it. Go for walks if you can. I went all Swedish on our baby and put her outside constantly. She probably spent like7-9 hours outdoors as a newborn. I wanted her to learn to sleep surrounded by noise. This is NOT one of those houses where people tip-toe around during naps, and I have created a baby who can sleep anywhere. In a restaurant, in the mall, on a walk, etc. We are not slaves to the nap, rushing home for it.

How old is your baby? As much as you would like to believe it, this is not as easy to control as you make it out to be. My baby used to be able to nap anywhere. We'd literally have him nap in the living room with us as we entertained guests or watched TV. He would sleep at the mall, really anywhere. Now at 8 months he's just too interested in the world to nap out and about.

OP, my advice is to ignore people like PP who think they have everything figured out. Every baby is different. You do the best with the card that you're dealt.

[Anonymous]

A lot of good advice already, so I'll try not to duplicate it. A few little practical things:

Be prepared for the baby to poop--explosively--in the middle of a diaper change. Always try to keep their bottom covered or at least pointed away from you and anything nice. Yes, I heard this before #1 was born and didn't believe it--I learned the hard way. Poop in your face is really gross.

Do NOT hold the baby in the "flying baby" position over your head too soon after a feeding. Spit up in your face--especially in your mouth--is also really gross. Yes, I also learned this the hard way with #1.

Have not yet made either mistake with #2 who is now 10wks old. Yay me!

Also, keep a change of a shirt for yourself in your diaper bag. I did this with #1 for several weeks, never needed it, took it out to lighten the bag, and the next day got peed on.

Get in the habit of restocking your diaper bag as soon as you get HOME from an outing, so you know its always ready to grab and go next time. Getting out the door is hard enough.

Not sure if anyone said this already--when receiving any criticism or unwanted advice: Do. Not. Engage. "Oh that's interesting." "Thanks for your suggestions." "I'll keep that in mind." etc. are your friend. Yes, it will make you feel defensive, but it's really so much better to start early with confidence in your own choices and just don't leave things open for discussion.

Love that baby, and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If they stay at your house, they set up and cleanup all meals on their own. Buy paper plates, cups napkins so they don't need ot figure out where dishes or other things are. No cooking in your house. (exception for a relatives like your mom that will actually stay and help out. But be realistic about who will stress you out and who will not.)

This sounds mean, but honestly you are really hormonal exhausted and trying to figure stuff out. You cannot entertain. DH's job is to police the in laws.

This is such good advice! haha I was so resentful of spending my precious non-nursing time cleaning my in-laws' dirty coffee mugs. How hard is it to rinse and put them in the dishwasher?!

[Anonymous]

1. Don't open everything from your showers. We ended up returning half the stuff we realized we didn't really need once the baby arrived, and swapped it out for stuff we actually needed (diapers, wipes, swaddling blankets, etc).

2. I was totally unprepared for the weepiness that can ensue. As soon as I was home from the hospital, I started crying hysterical at the thought of going back to work and leaving my baby. It latest longer than I expected and all the articles online said (they say 1-2 weeks, mine was 3-4 weeks).

3. I also found myself much more anxious than I expected. Never was a worrier, now worried about EVERYTHING (from whether or not he was breathing at night to the dangers of just driving on the beltway with the baby!).

4. Utilize the Babies R Us and every other coupon you can find.

5. Accept help and don't be afraid to put your parents or in laws to work, just emptying the dishwasher or switching the laundry can go a long way.

[Anonymous]

It's not terrible for everyone. It goes by so quickly and feels like a blur. Do whatever works best for you in those early weeks...survival mode! Always have water and whatever you need nearby when you settle to nurse. The thirst can be overwhelming and you're stuck once baby starts. Remind yourself that babies all over the world are crying and that's just what they do. It's ok to feel helpless or clueless - you WILL learn your baby's needs and things I'll get easier,

[Anonymous]

Never pay full price for diapers! They are always on sale somewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a sling. Stuff the baby in it. Go for walks if you can. I went all Swedish on our baby and put her outside constantly. She probably spent like7-9 hours outdoors as a newborn. I wanted her to learn to sleep surrounded by noise. This is NOT one of those houses where people tip-toe around during naps, and I have created a baby who can sleep anywhere. In a restaurant, in the mall, on a walk, etc. We are not slaves to the nap, rushing home for it.

I agree with this as long as it applies to OP's question about the first weeks. Yes, you want baby to learn to sleep with some noise. Baby has joined your life, not the other way around. We have squeaky floor boards and like to play music. It was important that we were able to maintain a somewhat typical existence and not turn our house into a library. That said, I don't agree that making your baby sleep everywhere is the healthiest notion either. As a newborn in the first 3 months, sure, not a problem. Go wherever you want. But around 4 months, baby does need to get to "motionless" sleep. When we sleep, we are in stable beds. You don't want to train your kids to only be able to maintain sleep unless s/he is in motion. The last thing you want is a 7 month old that can only nap when the car or stroller is in motion.

[Anonymous]

Always loved this advice on sleep from "Ask Moxie" blog:

"Therefore, in the first 12-14 weeks of parenthood you should take your lead from Malcolm X: By Any Means Necessary. If your baby only sleeps on your chest with his/her head wedged up into your neck*, do it if you can sleep that way. If your baby only sleeps in the swing or sling or Amby hammock thing or car seat or car or front carrier or laundry basket or between you in bed or holding onto the cat's tail or on the bathroom floor or in a tent in your backyard, do it. If you have to run the hairdryer, clothes dryer, white noise machine, "La Vida Loca" CD, or any other noise, more power to you. Whatever gets the maximum number of hours of sleep for the maximum number of people in your household, that's what you should do. And when anyone asks you how your baby's sleeping, just lie and say everything's great."

[Anonymous]

I admittedly had two very easy deliveries and recoveries, and am now expecting #3, but in my opinion and experience, the final few weeks of pregnancy suck way way more than caring for a newborn. Way more. I really didn't think the first few months were that difficult. I am not trying to brag and I do think I had it pretty easy (nursing wasn't a big deal and my babies didn't have colic or anything like that) but I just wanted to offer another perspective from "it will be totally miserable." The hardest part for me the first time was the life adjustment -- getting used to the fact that we couldn't leave the house on our own and had another life to think about and things were just going to be harder and more complicated going forward.

Things that helped me - I coslept with both babies in the beginning, using a Snuggle Nest in the bed. It made nursing much easier and was way less taxing than physically getting out of bed every time the baby needed to eat. I forced myself to get out from the beginning -- figured out which carrier my babies liked best and became really comfortable with it. I made sure I got some time to myself and my husband was really good about accommodating me.

Good luck! You will survive and in a few months (years) it will seem like just a very minor blip in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Breastfeeding hurts in the beginning. Yes, even with a good latch. I wish someone had prepared me for that. It WILL get better though and eventually you'll pop the baby on without even thinking about it.

2. Sometimes the baby will eat more frequently than every 2-3 hours. Cluster feeding is common in the evenings.

3. Help is great, but you may just want some privacy to bond with your baby. I wish I had kicked my in-laws out of the house sooner.

4. You cannot screw your kid up for life in the first couple of months. Just do what you need to do to get through it - even if that means letting him/her sleep on your chest or holding him/her all the time. I was so afraid that my DS would never sleep in a crib on his own. But things change so frequently! Don't think too far in the future.

5. I was starving and so, so thirsty. Make sure you are taking care of yourself.

6. Get lots of pads! I had no idea there would be so much bleeding postpartum. ugh

NP here. I agree with every single point here (especially the two about nipples hurting even if you're breastfeeding correctly and privacy to bond with your baby - DH and I spent the first week just the two of us and our DD and then had in-laws in town to help). Wanted to add to the list of already great points:

7. You can go to the bathroom and shower even when you're in the house alone. This may seem like an obvious statement now, but in the throws of exhaustion these simple activities seemed overwhelming and I hated the idea of leaving my awake newborn alone in another room. Here's what you do: Pull your bouncer into the bathroom with you and do your thing. For me, showering everyday was an important part of my mental health.

8. If you can, prep some frozen meals (lasagna, etc) a week before so you have no-fuss meal options that you or DH can pop into the oven without too much effort. When my DH came home, it was nice for me that he could focus on DD and giving me a bit of a break and not be worried about making dinner. Also use paper plates for a couple of weeks. It's nice not to empty the dishwasher.

9. Get out of the house - even for a walk up and down the street. The first week or two I barely left the house and it was depressing. Day and night ran together. DD was an August baby so in the morning I would get up with her around 6 AM, do a feeding, and then plop her in a bjorn and walk up and down the street for 10 minutes before it got too hot. As she got bigger and I fully recovered, that walk became a 35 - 40 minute walk which was wonderful for my spirits.

10. Incorporate your DH into the day and care of your baby. I did everything for the first three months. Not because DH wasn't there to help, but I wasn't good at delegating. Whether it's bath time or, when the time is right, a bottle feeding, or an evening walk with your DC, have your DH "own" something that is his. This is great for him, but it's also really good for you.

11. You are your baby's favorite toy and plaything. As DD turned two and three months, I remember feeling like I had to entertain her - that she seemed bored. A friend reminded me that you are your baby's favorite source of nurturing and entertainment. Your voice, your touch, your attention - those are the things that are most important to your baby. You don't have to create a song and dance.

The first 6 - 8 weeks were really tough, but at the same time, you do it - something comes out and you go into automatic pilot. My friend refers to that early time as "being in the trenches" and I think she's right. But in the midst of that, it's also a transformative time. You will do great!

[Anonymous]

I think that you've received a lot of good advice here. One thing that hasn't been mentioned is that you might not be in love with your baby right away. Of course I loved my baby, but I wasn't totally ga ga in love with him for many weeks. You give and give and give to the baby, and you literally get nothing back. My son had colic, so he cried. A lot. For no reason. If this happens to you, try not to let it rattle you. Hold the baby, and know that it will pass. One day you will love your baby so much that you won't even be able to describe it.

[Anonymous]

Set up automatic bill payments, if you haven't already. It becomes so, so hard to stay on top of things not related to the baby.

Limit house guests to those in front of whom you can cry and those who won't care and will still love you if you have a melt down or become snappish. And limit house guests to those who want to be there to help take care of YOU. If they are only in town because they want to meet the baby and take lots of pictures, have them stay at a hotel. In addition to the physical recovery, your hormones will be wacky, and it's hard to know how you will feel and how you will react to stress.