Veteran moms: Tell us what the first month is like...
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Anonymous
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I am a 35 yr old FTM...due in november with a little boy.
My husband will be home for the first 2 weeks with me and I'm taking 16 weeks off. Sometimes I get up in the middle of the night to pee and can barely get back to bed fast enough - I'm so tired. How will I do it those first few weeks when I'm nursing every hour/few hours? Please tell me a little bit about the first 4 weeks...anything you wish someone had told you? What advice and tips besides "get your sleep now" can you offer all the expectant FTM's on this forum? |
Anonymous
| I wish that I had considered in advance that all of those things that you are braced for individually- like sleep deprivation, excruciatingly painful nursing problems, PPD and fear of your partner going back to work and being left alone- can all be at their absolute worst at the exact same time. I wish that I had lined up the resources I would potentially need to deal with these things in advance, when I had the time and mental and emotional wherewithal. That was the roughest time of my life. |
Anonymous
| It sucks. |
Anonymous
| Try to sleep when he sleeps. You may want to tackle the to do list, but once your DH goes back to work, it's you and the baby for hours and he may have gas, colic or the normal fussiness. Sleep when he sleeps and wear him when he is awake so you can tackle the house, laundry etc. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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"Get your sleep now" is a big joke. Because well, you can't since you're peeing every couple of hours, it takes a whole lot of effort every time you want to roll over, and your mind is racing. Even if you did manage to get your sleep, by 2 days in you're so bleary eyed that no amount of sleep in the previous months or weeks means anything.
The nice thing is that you won't be peeing constantly anymore, and you'll be able to roll over again once all the other soreness goes away. Heartburn will be gone. But then you'll wake up in nightsweats - payback for laughing at your menopausal mom. And your boobs will leak through your PJs if you haven't yet figured out that you need breastpads and a bra at night. Your boobs will get rock hard and painful as well. Keep nursing through it all. Baby will wake to nurse maybe every 2 hours, maybe more often. And each feeding will take longer than expected, even once you've established a decent latch. As for establishing a good latch - have the name of a good LC on hand, and a whole lot of nipple cream. Even if your mom, mil, sister, sil and bff have all breastfed, the LC will be able to help the best. In place of nipple cream you can use colostrum - just rub it around after a feeding and let it dry. My dh just didn't sleep in our room for a couple of weeks, since he was back at work right away. I needed the lamp on to nurse or pump (we had latching problems), and it was easier to just be alone to do it all. He would help change diapers in the middle of the night, but that was quick and easy compared to feeding. Learn to swaddle, make dh learn to swaddle, and practice during the day so if you find you need to do it at night after nursing you're not fumbling around with a squirmy baby. You will bleed a LOT those first few days. Pads are your friend once again, even though you thought you were done with them in your teens - get used to it for a while. You won't really care anymore if your husband sees you cleaning up blood and pads. Your hair will start to fall out a few weeks after and keep going for a few months. Keep a good drain protector in the tub. Once it stops falling out, it'll start to grow back, so you'll have straggly little pieces growing towards the front of your head. Headbands are not your friend again too. The other advice people love is "sleep when the baby sleeps" - but you will enjoy the quiet moments to call a friend or try to do laundry and miss the opportunity often. So the only real advice I have is try to enjoy it. Stare into your baby's eyes and remember that he will never be this small again, and no matter how much pain your body is in, no matter how many more months you're going to be wearing those maternity jeans, no matter how sleep deprived you are, you have never been more madly in love with anything in your whole life. The laundry can wait. Dinner can wait. Enjoy those poppy, vomity, squirmy snuggles while you can. |
Anonymous
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You will dig deep within yourself and find the ability to do it!
I was always someone who needed a ton of sleep and could not imagine how I would function getting up multiple times per night. It was tough but somehow I did it. With a first baby you will have the luxury of being able to sleep during the day to catch up -- you should take advantage of that (don't worry about cleaning, email, etc...just sleep!!). I wish someone had told me to have the numbers of some local lactation consultants on hand...I waited too long to realize I should call for breastfeeding help and suffered needlessly as a result. If you plan to breastfeed I'd recommend taking a breastfeeding class now, and then knowing who you can call as soon as you run into some snags. I wished so much that I had called my lactation consultant sooner. I also wish someone had told me that it's normal to not have any clue what you are doing, to not enjoy every moment, and to be weepy at times. I wanted to be that perfect, natural, mother for whom it all came easily, and wanted others to see me that way, and being a new mother was clumsy, awkward, miserable, and embarrassing at times. It also took me some time to feel really close to my baby. I loved her and was amazed by her from the start, and even among all the hard parts, there was so much excitement and love, but it was also tough, and I know now that many/most women experience the newborn period this way. Also do not let guests stay too long unless you want them there...someone suggested to me that I keep my pajamas on when visitors came over to implicitly send the message that I wasn't in the mood for long periods of socializing. This was not hard as I could barely get dressed anyway some days! Though getting dressed really did make me feel better and more human, so I'd highly recommend it. Don't be shy about telling guests "The baby needs to sleep and I do too. Thanks for coming over, see you soon." Good luck -- you can do it! I think the anticipation is in many ways harder than just doing it. When you're in the thick of it, you figure it out, gain confidence, become attached to your baby (and therefore actually WANT to do it), and you make it through. |
Anonymous
Wow, thank you! Such amazing mom advice! I can't thank you enough...after reaching out and asking for tips and advice, this really came in handy. Mom to mom....thank you for this. Such wonderful advice! I feel so much better! |
Anonymous
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The first night home from the hospital will be the worst. You will probably not sleep longer than 15 minutes because your milk won't have come in yet and your baby will want to nurse nearly continuously and may not want to be laid down. It will SUCK. (Unless your formula feed from the get-go, then you'll get a couple hours of broken sleep.)
Around day 2 or 3 at home your milk will come in. It will surprise you. You will become engorged and it will FUCKING HURT. Nursing will help or if you're not nursing you'll just have to tough it out til your body figures out you're not using the milk and stops producing. Once your baby gets some food in them, they will begin to sleep a lot. Given how little they have slept thus far, this will freak you out and you will attempt to stay awake to monitor them because you're freaked out something is wrong. Nothing is wrong. DO NOT STAY AWAKE STARING AT THEM. SLEEP. Your hormones will be out of whack. Something that would never have even hit your radar before will make you begin to uncontrollably sob on the couch as you watch the news. You will look at your new baby and cry. You will look at your husband, realize he will one day die, and cry. For me, this happened over watching coverage of Ted Kennedy's funeral. (Keep in mind, I normally do not give two shots about Ted Kennedy.) You will feel like you're in the movie "Girl, Interrupted." This too is normal. The hardest part will be reconciling yourself with your new identity. The second that baby is born, you are no longer Jessica. Or Megan or Lisa or whatever your name is. You are AIDEN'S MOM. It's very weird to suddenly be a mom. It fucks with your head. It will take some time to adjust to. Just accept for the time being that it is weird but soon won't be. Your baby will change almost daily. You will go through about 12 diapers a day some days. You will get actual baby poop on your hand and want to cry. You will get spit up on and want to gag. You will fall in love with your baby and after the 4 weeks are up wonder how the longest month of your life manged to go so fast. |
Anonymous
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The first 6 weeks were pretty tough for me between 24/7 nursing, engorgement issues, the witching hours (around our dinner time), and feeling like I could barely get out of the house some days. But by 6 weeks, it was SO much better.
My biggest pieces of advice - 1. Split the night feedings with your DH, at least while he's home. So, if you can try to pump once per day (when your supply is greatest, usually in the morning), follow this schedule: You feed baby and go to bed around 8 or 9. DH stays up and does next feeding around 11 or 12. Then he goes to sleep too and you wake up for following feeding (around 2 or 3) and he keeps sleeping until you both wake up for the day. I know some people will tell you this messed with your supply, but to me sleep is so important. And I never had supply issues because of this. 2. When feeding/changing baby at night, don't talk to him and turn on minimal lighting (nightlight is best) so he knows night time is for sleeping and not playing. During the day, open the blinds and let natural sunlight in. I know the night interaction sounds mean, but it's for the best. 3. Don't believe everything you read or everything you're told. I was so obssessed with following all the "rules" that I made myself crazy. Babies don't read parenting books and well-meaning parents tend to exaggerate things like how early their baby was sleeping through the night. Once I let go and did what worked for us, things went a lot smoother. 4. Remember that everything during this stage is temporary. There is no such thing as a bad habit and your aren't setting yourself up for lifelong issues if baby only sleeps in the swing or on you for a while, or loves his pacifier, etc. It can all be changed down the road. 5. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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Repeat this to yourself (over and over) - this too shall pass.
Also - try to remember that the baby can't stay up forever. Eventually, he or she will sleep. |
Anonymous
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Some may disagree, but for us it was important that one person was getting a decent night's sleep. It made no sense that both parents would be sleep-deprived loons. Since you'll be nursing, that means you will be up in the middle of the night. It can feel lonely. I found that setting up in another room where I could watch some tv while nursing helped. Also, with number 2 (a December baby), I discovered the Kangaroo Korner sling pouch. A friend bought me a fleece one, and it was a lifesaver. I would nurse and then drop the baby in it so we were chest to chest. If she was fussy, walking with her for a just a few minutes in the pouch did the trick.
Since I was up during the night, I did sleep during the day. That meant I didn't do things like grocery shopping or making dinner. The person who was getting sleep could do that. Finally, pick one simple thing to accomplish each day. That will help you stay positive and focused. Some days that accomplishment was taking a shower or emptying the dishwasher or going to the ped's office. Keep it simple. Having a November baby means that your days will be short and your nights will be long. Get out for a walk during the day. The baby will be fine. Enjoy every minute. |
Anonymous
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PP's have great advice. I'll add: be ready for the 3 week meltdown, when DH goes back to work. I remember one day just crying all.day.long. The newness and excitement wears off, baby starts waking up to the world and cries for reasons you don't know, you have never been this tired in your life, and the reality that your life has forever changed and your needs are now second to an 8 lb baby with no rhyme or reason sets in. I didn't experience this with #2, but with #1...just realize those feelings are ok and don't mean you suck as a mom.
Also, when you have a crying jag: if your DH is like mine, the sight of me sobbing freaks him out and he wants to "fix" whatever is wrong. And most of the time it's nothing-you just have to cry it out. Just tell him to hold you or give you space, whatever you prefer, and that's best. Lastly, if you are a laid back, go with the flow type who has family members or close friends with kids, this will be easier for you. If you are like me, a type a, detail/schedule oriented neatnik who was the first in family to have kids-buckle up 
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Anonymous
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You will also be taking care of yourself. Episiotomies and c-sections have to be cared for in order to heal properly. You'll need to ensure that you are eating protein and drinking a lot of water.
Google "cluster feeding" and be prepared for that for the first couple of nights. Yes, it will suck; however, it WILL get less physically demanding. Mentally demanding, not so much. |
Anonymous
Why only respond to the crappy person and ignore all the good advice? Given your response in this thread, my advice would be to focus on the good. You're bringing a new human into the world - it's amazing! Yes, you'll be tired and your nipples will hurt and your stomach and lady parts will look like a war zone, but it is all totally worth it. And it goes fast! - signed mom who decided to do it all again (pregnant with #2) |
Anonymous
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OP here...I actually didn't respond to PP that said 'this sucks' -- this is my first response because DH and I both have been sitting here reading these amazing responses and talking all about what we think about it!
Thank you all so much!! I shared the responses with my friend in Philadelphia as well who is just 7 weeks behind me in her pregnancy - so we both thank you! This is all really interesting and wonderful advice. 12 more weeks... |