DS starting to act like a gay, is this just a phase?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First thing you need to do is learn, and really understand, why the phrase "act like a gay" is wrong. That knowledge will serve you well, no matter what happens with your son.

People, including your son, judge you by your words - pay attention to how discriminatory and ignorant that particular phrase sounds. There are as many kinds of homosexuals as there are of heterosexuals, and a huge number do not fit into the narrow effeminate girly stereotype. "Act like a gay" just shows you are either deplorably uninformed or deliberately provocative. Either interpretation will lose you sympathy.

As for your question, I would say it is a phase and not to worry, especially do not forbid certain toys/pretend plays/friendships.
At 3 my son chose pink, mauve and green-striped shoes - one father at the playground nearly had a heart attack when he realized my son was really a boy!
At 5 he really wanted a brilliant magenta bicycle (very beautiful).
His favorite colors are red and pink.
Now at 7 he plays with the boys at school but only invites girls over on playdates.

He's happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a native English speaker, and I am rather surprised that some of you may think that I'm not. I'm from the south (South Carolina), and I come from a very southern conservative family. We moved into the DC area recently because of a new job offer for DH. In my family and circle of friends saying "the gays" isn't offensive and I still have trouble understanding why you guys think it is.

Given the tone of your post and yes, your word choices and the fact that you are from a southern conservative family really says it all. Essentially, your son isn't running around doing "real" boy stuff and you are fretting that, oh no, he might be gay. Get out the smelling salts, Scarlett. The gays is as offensive as "the blacks" or "the whites" or "the jews" then dropping a bunch of stereotypical crap after it. My son is starting to act like a jew, is this just a phase? He picked up a penny (!) off the sidewalk yesterday.

OP here. Im asking for advice, and you are coming across as very rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am a native English speaker, and I am rather surprised that some of you may think that I'm not. I'm from the south (South Carolina), and I come from a very southern conservative family. We moved into the DC area recently because of a new job offer for DH. In my family and circle of friends saying "the gays" isn't offensive and I still have trouble understanding why you guys think it is.

Okay, let's start with this point (I promise, I'll get to your original question). When you say "the gays", that's like saying "the blacks", "the hispanics", etc. Between this term and the general direction of your questioning, you are trying to categorize all gays as a monolithic group that behaves exactly the same. Gays are as diverse a group as heterosexuals. Do all of the men/women/boys/girl that you know that are straight act the same way in the heterosexuality? Or are some men more masculine, some more metrosexual, some more asexual? Are some women more masculine, some more feminine and some more tomboyish? There isn't a way to "act like a gay" because gay people act very individually. Once you try to categorize them, you stereotype them and remove their individuality and that is never a positive. It's what gets offensive. Much like how you might feel if someone started talking about Southerners who are simple, country hicks with drawls who run around barefoot and don't really know much about the way things work. No one wants to be compartmentalized into a (frequently) strange stereotype.

Onto your original question, it quite possibly is a phase. Just as anything else, pre-school to school-age children experiment with a lot of things including sexual behavior. There are many little boys who don't like the rough and tumble play and there are many little girls who love it. While they may have been considered standard boy and standard girl behavior some decades ago (which is why a number of PP's called your ideas antiquated, 70's or similar adjectives), nowadays, these behaviors are no longer tied as closely to specific genders. And it likely has very little to do with sexuality at that age. Although they will start to develop and think more about their sexuality in the later grade school years, at this age, there is more emphasis on developing their personality, likes and dislikes without regard to sexuality yet.

And the best way to deal with this is to make sure that as your child grows that he knows that whatever his likes or dislikes, you will love him unconditionally. You also need to be careful about how you talk about subgroups of people. Children pick up on parents biases frequently more than those parents understand. If you later discover that he might be gay, then you might want to look up your local chapter of PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and talk to someone else who has been there to find out how best to convey your love and support of your child through what often is a difficult journey in discovering themselves and learning to accept themselves as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have to say...I am appalled at how judgemental and rude the posters here can be. They are so quick to throw words and insults at the OP..but I would GUARANTEE that if they found themselves in a similar situation with their own child, they would be concerned, too. Or at least curious about what the child's behavior meant. Do not act as though you would do NOTHING if your child was exhibiting different behavior than he/she had been just weeks prior.
I agree in saying that you should love and support DS no matter the outcome.

Um, who threw any insults at her???? Just because we don't like how she prhases things doesn't mean anyone else has said something offensive. And I promise you if my child turns out to be gay I wouldn't be concerned one bit. I'm surrounded by gay people all the time and to me it's normal.

[Anonymous]

'gay' and 'homosexual' are adjectives. They should not be used as nouns. Do you call yourself a straight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: When you say "the gays", that's like saying "the blacks", "the hispanics", etc. Between this term and the general direction of your questioning, you are trying to categorize all gays as a monolithic group that behaves exactly the same .... There isn't a way to "act like a gay" because gay people act very individually. Once you try to categorize them, you stereotype them and remove their individuality and that is never a positive. It's what gets offensive. Much like how you might feel if someone started talking about Southerners who are simple, country hicks with drawls who run around barefoot and don't really know much about the way things work. No one wants to be compartmentalized into a (frequently) strange stereotype.

Very, very, very well said. I hope the OP sits a while with this thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You coward liberal bullies crack me up. I would be very concerned if my son started to embrace the gays and their lifestyle. OP deserves unbiased advice, he already said he wasn't s homophobe.

Yes, that's because you are a tea party, homophobic. And I'm a Republican telling you that. I wouldn't give a damn if my child was gay. And I would NEVER refer to the gay population as "The Gays". I too thought the OP must be from a foreign country. I love how anyone who is accepting of others and not discriminatory is a "coward liberal bully". You are a biggot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You coward liberal bullies crack me up. I would be very concerned if my son started to embrace the gays and their lifestyle. OP deserves unbiased advice, he already said he wasn't s homophobe.

OP here. Although I'm southern I do not agree with the whole "coward liberal bully" thing that you said in this post. I do feel as though I'm being attacked a bit, but I'm not being bullied.

[Anonymous]

so what is the best way to describe the plural form of gay, is it the LGBTs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so what is the best way to describe the plural form of gay, is it the LGBTs

They are PEOPLE! You call them gay people.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. Maybe I read it wrong, but I thought the OP was asking for help.

Her words might not have been right, but everyone needs a hug.

And if your kid is gay, no worries, Enjoy health. Enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

I think the OP is just an ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so what is the best way to describe the plural form of gay, is it the LGBTs

I'd go with "the gay community" or "the LGBT community". But I'm straight, so certainly open to other ideas! It's best to be as specific as possible.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really think 23:05 nailed it. I assume you say "the gays" because everyone else where you are from says it the same way, just like the PP stated "the blacks/jews/etc." Sadly, I totally knew you were from "the south" but let me assure you, knowing several rather evolved folks from the south (DH is from MS himself,) it's possible to change.

Being from the midwest, I will try to offer some heartfelt words. I know that the folks of DCUM can be quite harsh at times and behind the veil of anonymity, many of them let their a-hole flag fly so it's quite imperative that you have a thick skin and check your posts only when you're emotionally equipped to do so.

My nephew is gay. He is a college student, he has become guardian to his twin younger brothers at the age of 20 after their Mom passed away (Dad is not in the picture), he is a hardworking employee, he is honest, he is sincere, he is a deeply caring person. Being gay does not impact his ability to be any of those things and if he were not gay, he would still be all of those things. He certainly went through phases growing up, playing more so with girls vs boys at one time or another. I don't think any of his decisions in playmates were a reflection of being gay, they were more likely a reflection of who had the cooler toys, more fun parents, trendy clothes, better food in the fridge, etc.

However, I am not one bit surprised he is gay. Some of the more stereotypical traits of homosexuality, for lack of a better term, were quite evident when he was 4-5 years old. He loved hanging out in the bathroom with me while I was getting ready to go out with friends, doing hair and makeup. He always had that stereotypical "sass & flamboyance" about him and don't get me started on the gestures. I know I am making blanket statements when I say such things and that is not the intention but I do remember when I was 22yrs old and hadn't been exposed to that much in the world just yet, these are the thoughts I was having at that age. All of this just told me what I already knew, people do not choose to be gay, they are born that way. Lady Gaga and Madonna even said so.

I wouldn't do a single thing differently regarding how you're raising him except perhaps it is time to look within yourself in respect to how you and the family seemingly group people together based on a single trait. Provide him with the same opportunities you would anyway. Love him with all your heart and tell him frequently. I can't tell you how to re-wire your way of thinking on the subject but after having family members and several close friends who are gay, marrying a minority and having minority children, tolerance has come to me over the years. If there is a single thing you can teach your child, it is tolerance. We are all different individuals and we all have every bit as much of a right to live our life as the next person, no matter our color, gender, sexual orientation, education level, etc. Strive to impart that knowledge to your son and everything will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I really think 23:05 nailed it. I assume you say "the gays" because everyone else where you are from says it the same way, just like the PP stated "the blacks/jews/etc." Sadly, I totally knew you were from "the south" but let me assure you, knowing several rather evolved folks from the south (DH is from MS himself,) it's possible to change.

Being from the midwest, I will try to offer some heartfelt words. I know that the folks of DCUM can be quite harsh at times and behind the veil of anonymity, many of them let their a-hole flag fly so it's quite imperative that you have a thick skin and check your posts only when you're emotionally equipped to do so.

My nephew is gay. He is a college student, he has become guardian to his twin younger brothers at the age of 20 after their Mom passed away (Dad is not in the picture), he is a hardworking employee, he is honest, he is sincere, he is a deeply caring person. Being gay does not impact his ability to be any of those things and if he were not gay, he would still be all of those things. He certainly went through phases growing up, playing more so with girls vs boys at one time or another. I don't think any of his decisions in playmates were a reflection of being gay, they were more likely a reflection of who had the cooler toys, more fun parents, trendy clothes, better food in the fridge, etc.

However, I am not one bit surprised he is gay. Some of the more stereotypical traits of homosexuality, for lack of a better term, were quite evident when he was 4-5 years old. He loved hanging out in the bathroom with me while I was getting ready to go out with friends, doing hair and makeup. He always had that stereotypical "sass & flamboyance" about him and don't get me started on the gestures. I know I am making blanket statements when I say such things and that is not the intention but I do remember when I was 22yrs old and hadn't been exposed to that much in the world just yet, these are the thoughts I was having at that age. All of this just told me what I already knew, people do not choose to be gay, they are born that way. Lady Gaga and Madonna even said so.

I wouldn't do a single thing differently regarding how you're raising him except perhaps it is time to look within yourself in respect to how you and the family seemingly group people together based on a single trait. Provide him with the same opportunities you would anyway. Love him with all your heart and tell him frequently. I can't tell you how to re-wire your way of thinking on the subject but after having family members and several close friends who are gay, marrying a minority and having minority children, tolerance has come to me over the years. If there is a single thing you can teach your child, it is tolerance. We are all different individuals and we all have every bit as much of a right to live our life as the next person, no matter our color, gender, sexual orientation, education level, etc. Strive to impart that knowledge to your son and everything will be ok.

(Dad is not in the picture)

did that have any bearing in being gay?