New single mommy...complex situation. Need advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. These are really helpful comments. I know I need to initiate a real conversation with him about his wants and plans, and that I've delayed it, mostly out of fear. In my pregnancy he became very arrogant and entitled...making demands about everything from what neighborhood I'd live in to whether or not I'd breast feed. I asked him to see a counselor with me to navigate these issues; he attended 2 sessions and then quit. Our relationship has since improved; I think the presence of the baby has been a reality check for his assessment of his own behavior. But I'm also worried that in some crazy role-reversal situation I'd end up owing him money, even as the primary custodial parent. Regardless, I need to get over it and put these issues on the table for my baby. New mommyhood...not for the faint of heart. Thanks again, all.

I wouldn't initiate anything in your shoes. See 2 lawyers, they will have different opinions. Two sessions and then quit, drops by, let him go or he can make your life a living hell. If he grows up down the line you can revisit. You are likely to owe him $ and you better finalize things before he figures that out. New mommyhood is a walk in the park compared to sharing your child with an immature entitled guy you were smart enough to dump.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...9:38 and 14:26 are correct. I've looked into this and based on our income disparity (which is similar to 14:26's), the likelihood of my owing him child support is high, even with my 6-figure student loans. This is a big part of why I haven't pushed a legal agreement with him; I fear he'll attempt to capitalize on the situation once he realizes that he can profit from our circumstances. I want to be clear: he's not a bad person (otherwise I'd shield my daughter from him), but youth, low self esteem, and entitlement are a dangerous combination, and he's got all three. I don't think he would ever hurt my baby; but I don't think he's above prioritizing his own wants over her needs, and certainly not over mine. And the travel concerns are legitimate...I'm 9 weeks into this, exhausted, and I just want to move closer to family so I can get some help. And that's several states away.

My current plan is to seek legal counsel as some of you have suggested and eventually have a conversation with him about custody. I want her to know him; no custody arrangement will change my feelings that that is what's best for her. But I'm wary about not protecting her and myself legally, especially as time, new partners, and potential other kids change the picture. Anyone with thoughts on how to have that conversation, I'm all ears. Given his controlling behavior during my pregnancy, I'm not optimistic.

OP, I'm sorry, I don't have time to read through all the responses here. But if no one already told this, the courts have a bizarrely strong, strong bias for keeping things exactly the way they are in terms of visitation, etc. If it's "working" for the child, they don't like to change things. So if you're unsure about the role you want him to play in your baby's life, do NOT let him come over for much visitation now.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nine weeks ago I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby. I am so in love. I am also a single mom, and in a complex situation I’m trying to navigate intelligently and humanely. Kind and level-headed advice is appreciated. Here’s the back story:

I have long desired a stable, loving partner and children. My education and profession made focusing on my personal life tough, and by my late thirties I hadn’t met a person with whom I could pursue those dreams. Fatigued with dating, I had a brief relationship with a much younger guy which I will admit, was mostly out of loneliness and frustration. “Men in their thirties date women in their twenties all the time”, I thought. Why not? Why not is that it was unfulfilling and frustrating. Many of us are projects in our twenties (I certainly was) and that’s exactly what this guy was. It lasted a few months and I ended it, realizing that loneliness was a poor reason to pursue this relationship and was also unfair to him. We split amicably, and minus a few passive aggressive texts and drunk dials from him, that was that.

A month later I learned I was pregnant. This was true birth control failure; no Russian roulette was played here. A completely unplanned event, but likely my only opportunity to have children. I informed him and let him know that I was prepared to support the baby physically, financially, and emotionally, but that he had a role as a dad if he wanted it. And that’s where I’m struggling: He drops by my apartment every now and then and holds her while she’s sleeping, but doesn’t do anything else. He claims he wants to be involved, but doesn’t offer any help. And I don’t need it, truthfully. I have a supportive community and am financially fine. The painful truth is that I’d be happy to never see him again. And that would not be right for my baby. I come from a blended family and was raised by two remarried parents and their loving partners, so I’ve seen a non-traditional family structure work quite well, and I still hope to meet and marry a partner someday. But healthy kids understand their roots, and whether I like it or not, he’s part of her roots. He may be young, clueless, and unhelpful, but she needs to know who her dad is. How do I involve him with my newborn when we don’t live together? Do I get him involved financially? (I'm the higher earner). Do I just let it be? My goal is to do the right thing for my baby. Any advice is appreciated. And please be gentle…I’m 9 weeks post-partum.

Here's the deal. You cannot force this guy to see this child or be involved in this child's life. You can invite him to be part of the childs life. You can try including him as much as possible, but you can't force him. Even if you force him to pay child support, you can't force him to be involved with the child.

I'd hold the door open as much as possible. Invite him over to see the baby. Invite him to kid events with the baby. Don't yell at him if he doesn't show. Just keep inviting him.

And if he doesn't participate, don't be resentful. If you tell your child that he was very young and foolish, but a good guy anyway, she'll develop some tolerance for her bio-dad. Lots of kids grow up healthy and happy without knowing their bio-dads. It works especially well if another person steps up to act as the second parent.

[Anonymous]

OP,
Congrats on the new little one.

Don't be caught up in the all dads are great propaganda. When you were pregnant he went to therapy twice and stopped. He knows he is not on the birth certificate but has done nothing. He drops by occasionally and holds her while sleeping.

This guy is immature and ambivalent at best and entitled and controlling in your actual experience. You DO NOT want this to control your life, esp if you end up paying him child support. Let things lie and do not initiate anything but calls to a few lawyers for opinions. A friend briefly dated a guy like this. He has made her life a living hell and has not been a great positive force in the child's life. He is not giving you or the child more, don't think that anything will change that but him. if it does, he will let you know. Pray that he flakes off and you can move on. If you pry open this can of worms with this particular guy (not some hypothetical great dad) you will rue the day. Have you ever met his family or had any contact with them?

[Anonymous]

Halle is that you?
Seriously have you seem that mess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Halle is that you?
Seriously have you seem that mess.

huh?

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I posted before about being in the same situation and what my attorney advised. If you are going to move, do it soon bc before the baby is six months old you can change the court system more easily. In my case, baby was born in DC, but I moved when she was eight weeks to MD so now I COULD file in MD, which is supposably better. maybe wherever your family lives would have a court system that would better benefit you.
Later on you would have to file in the state where baby resided for the last six months.
PS I never told the her father my new address which makes things even easier!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should clearly understand - what's in it for you? What do you want? I think he does not have much to offer financially or emotionally or othewise, honestly. He will only be in your way if you meet someone, for example.
I, for one, would not encourage his interest if it is not backed up by financial support, but that's just me. I think you have all the chances to meet someone, and you still have time, so you don't really need to make him "baby daddy". You could maybe keep him at arms length, not giving him any legal rights though, just in case there's no one else in say 2-3 yrs.

Wow. Should this be about what's in it for her? Or about what's in it for her child?

[Anonymous]

OP here...I want to thank everyone for these thoughts and ideas. Lots of different suggestions out there...this is an emotionally charged issue for most people so I expected some strong opinions. To answer a PP's question, this is about my baby. I may have a difficult relationship with her father, but it's possible that she will see him in a totally different light. If the development of that (healthy) relationship contributes to building a strong psychological backbone for her, that's what I want. That said, I can't ignore the fact that her healthy development also hinges on my emotional well-being, and so far his interactions with me haven't contributed to that area in a positive way. I knew this wouldn't be easy. But I looked at her last night and just feel so damn lucky that I have this gorgeous, healthy, kid that I get to spend the rest of my life with in some way. There's a smart solution here somewhere. Hopefully we'll work our way there. Again, thanks to all the moms and dads out there for sharing your thoughts as I enter this new world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think you should clearly understand - what's in it for you? What do you want? I think he does not have much to offer financially or emotionally or othewise, honestly. He will only be in your way if you meet someone, for example.
I, for one, would not encourage his interest if it is not backed up by financial support, but that's just me. I think you have all the chances to meet someone, and you still have time, so you don't really need to make him "baby daddy". You could maybe keep him at arms length, not giving him any legal rights though, just in case there's no one else in say 2-3 yrs.

Wow. Should this be about what's in it for her? Or about what's in it for her child?

Oh come on. the guy is an immature controlling...mmm...person. I don't believe in much value for the child in being around such "dad".

[Anonymous]

^^^
Well, if you ask adult children who were not allowed to develop a relationship with one parent, you might get a different perspective. They can be left grieving the lost relationship and I have seen it do damage to the relationship with the parent (well-intentioned as they may have been) who discouraged contact. Barring abuse, there's value for the child, no matter how imperfect the parent.

I appreciate this is a potentially difficult situation for the mom, and for her it might be easier to not have dad in the picture. It seems that she's approaching this with great thought and care and with her child's best interest at heart.

[Anonymous]

You might want to rethink how you are approaching the power dynamic between you and the father if you want to avoid long term problems. You decided not to put the father on the birth certificate --you decided that when you knew full well who the father was. You don't want a legal agreement because you are afraid that you will be disadvantaged and you don't really think that his rights are worth respecting. You think that he isn't qualified to be left alone with the baby because his skills with a newborn are only as good as yours were 9 WEEKS AGO. He does not sound like the controlling one. You, however, do.

If he is young and immature now (as you admit that you were at his age) then remember that he will someday be the age that you are now and will likely be as mature as you are now. Make sure that you are treating him fairly, the way that you would have wanted someone to treat you in your twenties. You sound like a nice person who doesn't have an underhanded agenda but also like someone who thinks that her rights will always and should always trump the father's. You cannot just move a few states away because you want to. You cannot give him only supervised visitation because that is what you are comfortable with. You made a baby with this person and now you need to act like you understand the consequences of your circumstance.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I wouldn't be naive. I would preserve as much autonomy and control over your situation as I could. If he wants to have more of an emotional relationship with her later he can. Don't say anything to him, let him bring it up. Co-parenting with someone who is not a strong and reliable parent is a special kind of hell. Even now, his occasional visits are turning your attention from enjoying your baby fully. Giving the person you described more control, and a right to support from you is lunacy. If he wants more responsibility let him indicate and earn it with his actions. You need to let go of your fantasies and hanging on to him in a way that is not wise or warranted by his behavior. If and when he changes, you will see it. Do not open this Pandora's Box. Consult a few lawyers and go from there. The relationship that he establishes of his own initiative is out of your control, stop focusing on it. Do what you legally need to do to keep your baby's life non-chaotic and as financially stable as possible. Keep your focus on being hte best mom you can be and that includes letting go of the fantasy and protecting your child by protecting yourself. You didn't have a child with a stable loving partner and this guy is never going to be that. Be a responsible and prudent single mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may have a difficult relationship with her father, but it's possible that she will see him in a totally different light. That said, I can't ignore the fact that her healthy development also hinges on my emotional well-being, and so far his interactions with me haven't contributed to that area in a positive way. There's a smart solution here somewhere. Hopefully we'll work our way there.

OP, who is "we"? You can't mean your baby daddy, who by your account did not treat you well and who confines fathering to holding a sleeping baby. What financial support has he offered? Have you met his family? Have they met the baby? In over 2 months what relationships have he, his family or friends created with your daughter? Did they throw a shower? Offer you help with child care or meals? I'm guessing no. She may see him in a different light, only if he acts differently. You did your job by not cutting him out, don't bad mouth him and move on.

Stop trying to make this something it is not. In a fantasy of trying to make things better with a hypothetical version of baby daddy not the one he keeps showing you in reality, you may make things drastically and permanently worse in ways you can't fully understand now. THAT is what you should be talking about in therapy. Stop trying to make a relationship happen between them, it has to come from him. Work through your issues about not providing her with a dad and move on. You can save time by going back to the same therapist who saw him bail rather than commit and grow.

[Anonymous]

First of all, I was the child of a single mother and I never new my bio dad growing up. I actually feel this was a very positive influence on my life, as I did not have to deal with split custody, different parenting styles, and arguing parents, like the rest of my friends with split parents. I always considered myself very lucky. And yes, this did affect my relationship with my mother- in that I admired her that much more for having the strength to do it alone, and now she is still my best friend.

Now, I say this not to make you abandon efforts with your child's father, but to help you realize that him being out of the picture is not the end of the world.

Something else I'm surprised no one else has suggested; if one of your main concerns is him being able to safely care for the baby, tell him he needs to take an infant care class, and get CPR certified, both of these things are available through most hospitals and community centres, just look around. If he agrees, well then that's a very good sign on his committment going forward.

Oh. I just noticed this thread is a few months old, so I hope everything has settled some for all involved. Good luck!