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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Nine weeks ago I delivered a beautiful, healthy baby. I am so in love. I am also a single mom, and in a complex situation I’m trying to navigate intelligently and humanely.  Kind and level-headed advice is appreciated. Here’s the back story:

I have long desired a stable, loving partner and children. My education and profession made focusing on my personal life tough, and by my late thirties I hadn’t met a person with whom I could pursue those dreams. Fatigued with dating, I had a brief relationship with a much younger guy which I will admit, was mostly out of loneliness and frustration. “Men in their thirties date women in their twenties all the time”, I thought. Why not? Why not is that it was unfulfilling and frustrating.  Many of us are projects in our twenties (I certainly was) and that’s exactly what this guy was. It lasted a few months and I ended it, realizing that loneliness was a poor reason to pursue this relationship and was also unfair to him.  We split amicably, and minus a few passive aggressive texts and drunk dials from him, that was that.

A month later I learned I was pregnant. This was true birth control failure; no Russian roulette was played here. A completely unplanned event, but likely my only opportunity to have children. I informed him and let him know that I was prepared to support the baby physically, financially, and emotionally, but that he had a role as a dad if he wanted it. And that’s where I’m struggling: He drops by my apartment every now and then and holds her while she’s sleeping, but doesn’t do anything else. He claims he wants to be involved, but doesn’t offer any help. And I don’t need it, truthfully. I have a supportive community and am financially fine. The painful truth is that I’d be happy to never see him again. And that would not be right for my baby.  I come from a blended family and was raised by two remarried parents and their loving partners, so I’ve seen a non-traditional family structure work quite well, and I still hope to meet and marry a partner someday. But healthy kids understand their roots, and whether I like it or not, he’s part of her roots. He may be young, clueless, and unhelpful, but she needs to know who her dad is. How do I involve him with my newborn when we don’t live together?  Do I get him involved financially? (I'm the higher earner).  Do I just let it be? My goal is to do the right thing for my baby. Any advice is appreciated. And please be gentle…I’m 9 weeks post-partum. 
[/quote]

Here's the deal. You cannot force this guy to see this child or be involved in this child's life. You can invite him to be part of the childs life. You can try including him as much as possible, but you can't force him. Even if you force him to pay child support, you can't force him to be involved with the child.

I'd hold the door open as much as possible. Invite him over to see the baby. Invite him to kid events with the baby. Don't yell at him if he doesn't show. Just keep inviting him.

And if he doesn't participate, don't be resentful. If you tell your child that he was very young and foolish, but a good guy anyway, she'll develop some tolerance for her bio-dad.   Lots of kids grow up healthy and happy without knowing their bio-dads. It works especially well if another person steps up to act as the second parent. [/quote]

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