New single mommy...complex situation. Need advice.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand how you could owe him anything if you were never married and you have custody. If he is crazy enough to later make demands to see her I would definitely talk to a lawyer and know your rights. You want to be able to move about freely or travel w/o his permission, which is what you would need if married and sharIng joint custody etc. I
also agree not to encourage the visits.

But, congratulations on the baby!

[Anonymous]

9:23 You don't know the law. A parent is a parent whether the parents have been married or not. If he wants visitation, if he wants the child to do overnights at his home, he has a legal right to this. He also has a legal right to pay or receive child support, depending on his earnings. If OP earns lots, and he earns a little, and the child is at his place one, two or even three nights a week, yes, OP may owe him child support.

As for travel, the countries of Mexico and Canada require documentation from the other parent. For each trip, not a blanket letter. Other countries might, too.

OP, it was great you were doing therapy during your pregnancy but you really should meet with a lawyer and get a sense of how the system works and what would happen if your daughter's father wanted shared custody for instance. The key person here of course is your daughter's father and what he wants and that could change over time, which is why I suggested in an earlier post to go with the flow for a few months or longer and see how he evolves.

[Anonymous]

I agree you could end up owing.

my childs father has 75 percent custody and I have 25 percent and they owe me 972 every month.

I make near minimum and they make right around 95,000. They also have to pay all of daycare and all of insurance based on the calculator.

[Anonymous]

OP here...9:38 and 14:26 are correct. I've looked into this and based on our income disparity (which is similar to 14:26's), the likelihood of my owing him child support is high, even with my 6-figure student loans. This is a big part of why I haven't pushed a legal agreement with him; I fear he'll attempt to capitalize on the situation once he realizes that he can profit from our circumstances. I want to be clear: he's not a bad person (otherwise I'd shield my daughter from him), but youth, low self esteem, and entitlement are a dangerous combination, and he's got all three. I don't think he would ever hurt my baby; but I don't think he's above prioritizing his own wants over her needs, and certainly not over mine. And the travel concerns are legitimate...I'm 9 weeks into this, exhausted, and I just want to move closer to family so I can get some help. And that's several states away.

My current plan is to seek legal counsel as some of you have suggested and eventually have a conversation with him about custody. I want her to know him; no custody arrangement will change my feelings that that is what's best for her. But I'm wary about not protecting her and myself legally, especially as time, new partners, and potential other kids change the picture. Anyone with thoughts on how to have that conversation, I'm all ears. Given his controlling behavior during my pregnancy, I'm not optimistic.

[Anonymous]

OP, based on everything you've said I'd talk to a lawyer and try to get a full custody agreement from him while he's not very interested. You can always renegotiate later when she's older if/when he wants more contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. These are really helpful comments. I know I need to initiate a real conversation with him about his wants and plans, and that I've delayed it, mostly out of fear. In my pregnancy he became very arrogant and entitled...making demands about everything from what neighborhood I'd live in to whether or not I'd breast feed. I asked him to see a counselor with me to navigate these issues; he attended 2 sessions and then quit. Our relationship has since improved; I think the presence of the baby has been a reality check for his assessment of his own behavior. But I'm also worried that in some crazy role-reversal situation I'd end up owing him money, even as the primary custodial parent. Regardless, I need to get over it and put these issues on the table for my baby. New mommyhood...not for the faint of heart. Thanks again, all.

Uh, this shit is going to get old really quickly. GO SEE A LAWYER. NOW!

Red flags went up at "very arrogant and entitled." Empower yourself with actual facts about the rights and protections afforded each of you in this scenario (you, the baby, and the father).

Also (said with compassion and sisterhood) stop trying to make a relationship out of this. He has only the authority you give him when it comes to your life decisions. Where you live and whether you breastfeed are not decisions he gets any friggin say in...unless you allow it. Your mommy duties are going to rev into high gear before you can say "sleep regression." This unsteady daddy business will only be a drain on you.

Figure it out, lady. Protect your sanity and your DD.

BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Op did you put him on the birth certificate?

[Anonymous]

oh and do you live in DC, VA, or MD... you may have said

[Anonymous]

Situation was still unstable at time of birth, so just me on the BC. Not comfortable posting our city of residence, but when I googled local online resources for our community this blog came up (if that helps).

[Anonymous]

well I ask because the answer to your questions/concerns vary by which you are in.

If hes not on the birth certificate it will be harder for him to petition for custody or atleast add a barrier/ step to it.

I do want to point out though atleast in our case (dad and I had a brief relationship)

he started out as a crappy dad but really in 5 years has grown into a GREAT dad.... give him a chance to work things out with your daughter on his own.

when he is there go take a bath, catch up on bills, run to the grocery store, let him work it out if she cries or needs changed or fed handing her to you is the easy way... force him to work things out it will be okay...

let him either grow into a dad or disappear befor shes big enough to understand. I would not press visits. Send emails letting him know updates if you want. Let him know when appointments are so he can decide not to go.... if he files later you can say look I tried to include him he made these choices.

[Anonymous]

OP went to a therapist with him when she was pregnant, he can prove he's the father, not putting his name on the birth certificate doesn't mean a thing as far as custody goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP went to a therapist with him when she was pregnant, he can prove he's the father, not putting his name on the birth certificate doesn't mean a thing as far as custody goes.

If both parents dont acknowledge paternity the father will have to file for a dna test. so it does add a step and atleast means he cant walk off with the child if they dont go to court and set something up now.

mom has custody as she is the only parent on the birth certificate until father files with the cout for custody/visitation.

[Anonymous]

23:01 It might add a step but why would OP add a step when she went to therapy with him, where they both acknowledged that he was the father, and he's been visiting his daughter on a regular basis? I doubt this is going to go the DNA test stage. The upshot is he has a legal right to custody. These circumstances do not change that. He might have to do a few things to obtain it in writing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks everyone. These are really helpful comments. I know I need to initiate a real conversation with him about his wants and plans, and that I've delayed it, mostly out of fear. In my pregnancy he became very arrogant and entitled...making demands about everything from what neighborhood I'd live in to whether or not I'd breast feed. I asked him to see a counselor with me to navigate these issues; he attended 2 sessions and then quit. Our relationship has since improved; I think the presence of the baby has been a reality check for his assessment of his own behavior. But I'm also worried that in some crazy role-reversal situation I'd end up owing him money, even as the primary custodial parent. Regardless, I need to get over it and put these issues on the table for my baby. New mommyhood...not for the faint of heart. Thanks again, all.

Uh, this shit is going to get old really quickly. GO SEE A LAWYER. NOW!

Red flags went up at "very arrogant and entitled." Empower yourself with actual facts about the rights and protections afforded each of you in this scenario (you, the baby, and the father).

Also (said with compassion and sisterhood) stop trying to make a relationship out of this. He has only the authority you give him when it comes to your life decisions. Where you live and whether you breastfeed are not decisions he gets any friggin say in...unless you allow it. Your mommy duties are going to rev into high gear before you can say "sleep regression." This unsteady daddy business will only be a drain on you.

Figure it out, lady. Protect your sanity and your DD.

BTDT.

OP, do see a lawyer and educate yourself about the rights of all parties. Your posts certainly do raise a lot of red flags. I hope everything works out for the best for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP,
I'd see a lawyer ASAP and let him drift away if at all possible. I have a nightmare ex - arrogant and entitled could be young and immature but in my case it was narcissism. You do not want that in your life permanently. Controlling, uh, uh. If you can hinge it on moving to be near family I think that would be best for everyone.