Reply to Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?

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Reply to "Is a cheated-on spouse better off knowing or not knowing?"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP here.  Thank you for the thoughtful responses, varied as they are.  I honestly agree with all of you.  I totally get why some people would want to know no matter what and some wouldn't want to know if it had been a casual thing that is completely over now.

But for those of you who think it's wrong for the cheater to tell the spouse to assuage guilt... it may not be as simple as saying, "Live with your guilt in silence, already."

There's that saying, "What you don't know won't hurt you."  Is that really so?  For every day that the cheater is aware of a breach of faith and the spouse is unaware, does that not put an invisible wall between them and render the blissfully ignorant spouse's trust a sham?

If the truth would devastate... then perhaps it needs to devastate.

Here are the ways it continues to eat away at a marriage when a cheater attempts to keep the sorry past a secret:

It makes the cheater a hypocrite every time the cheater talks to the kid(s) about doing what's right.

If the cheater learns not to care about being a hypocrite and living with a lie in the center of the marriage, perhaps that person is becoming more morally bankrupt, more hollow on the inside, rather than becoming a better life partner.

And if the cheater does have a conscience but thinks the secret is necessary to protect the family - do you not think that inner torment hidden from a spouse has no effect on the marriage?

Since there is no single right answer, MAYBE it would be a good precaution for every couple to talk about what they would prefer - under what conditions they would or would not want to know that the marital trust has been betrayed.
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