Why Is My 16 Year Old Son A Raging Asshat?

[Anonymous]

I just showed this to my husband, and we both think we will be writing this exact post in 5 years, about our 2nd of 4. I wish I could say anything to make you feel better, but just know that I feel for you. My son says things that I cannot believe he says, does not care what we do to "punish" him, and often seems to totally hate us. Other times he is completely fine, but I never know when the black cloud will takeover. We have taken him to a therapist but he refuses to talk. I think he is depressed and at this point would like to medicate him just to get him to a point that he will agree to therapy. I dont know the answer but I send you hugs and solidarity sister!
PS therapist recommendations we got were The Ross Center, Daniel Pine, Dr Rathbone (?) in MoCo

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could anyone recommend a therapist to see? Perhaps someone I could see then someone he could see after I speak to the therapist. I have no idea where to start or what type of person to even seek out.

I started by asking for recs from the pediatrician, the school (counseling dept) and a trusted friend ("in the business").

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just showed this to my husband, and we both think we will be writing this exact post in 5 years, about our 2nd of 4. I wish I could say anything to make you feel better, but just know that I feel for you. My son says things that I cannot believe he says, does not care what we do to "punish" him, and often seems to totally hate us. Other times he is completely fine, but I never know when the black cloud will takeover. We have taken him to a therapist but he refuses to talk. I think he is depressed and at this point would like to medicate him just to get him to a point that he will agree to therapy. I dont know the answer but I send you hugs and solidarity sister!
PS therapist recommendations we got were The Ross Center, Daniel Pine, Dr Rathbone (?) in MoCo

I'm so glad someone else understands. I can tell you that my son is great when he wants something which is typical with any teenager, I think. I did buy these books in a lame attempt to try to deal with him -

http://www.amazon.com/Yes-Your-Teen-Crazy-Without/dp/0936197447

http://www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Teens-Will-Listen/dp/0060741252

[Anonymous]

Seems obvious to me. He wants more attention. Negative attention is still attention. Have you been distracted or focussed more on his siblings? Have you taken one-on-one time with him just to have fun (not nag)?

I'd at least give it a try...

[Anonymous]

I'm not naive so I can't say for certain he isn't smoking pot, but as far as I know he isn't. I haven't found any in the house or caught any pot smell on it, but it's possible he has when he spends the night out with his friends. He's in AP and Honors courses, typically gets A's and B's with the occasional C. He refuses to do homework but still manages to keep his grades at A's & B's just by doing well on tests which drives me insane. His father and I keep insisting that the competition is tougher than he thinks and even with grades that he feels are "phenomenal" he may have a tough time getting into even UVA or UMD. I almost think he is oppositional, anything I say to him he feels the need to challenge, debate, oppose, it's so tiring I cry some nights after asking him the simplest request.

Maybe he needs more of a challenge? Has he chosen the classes/sports himself, or did you? For me, I kind of skated by the first two years of HS (with my parents warning me it couldn't last) but then decided that I wanted to volunteer on a political campaign. My parents didn't suggest this, I just came up with it on my own. I became super-involved, and the organizational skills I learned led me to focus in other parts of my life, too- I really bore down at school, mostly so I could spend more time on the campaign. If he has some other interests he hasn't pursued, maybe you could subtly encourage him to do so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems obvious to me. He wants more attention. Negative attention is still attention. Have you been distracted or focussed more on his siblings? Have you taken one-on-one time with him just to have fun (not nag)?

I'd at least give it a try...

Thank you for this suggestion. With four children, two of them very young and one with ADHD of course my attention is spread thin. I'm going to make a date to take him out for a special mother & son date, maybe a movie of a book we've both read. He and I both read then discuss books or shows we've enjoyed. We also both enjoy talking about politics. I'm going to plan something special and see if it helps a little. In the past taking him out to dinner has been enjoyable but only a short term solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm not naive so I can't say for certain he isn't smoking pot, but as far as I know he isn't. I haven't found any in the house or caught any pot smell on it, but it's possible he has when he spends the night out with his friends. He's in AP and Honors courses, typically gets A's and B's with the occasional C. He refuses to do homework but still manages to keep his grades at A's & B's just by doing well on tests which drives me insane. His father and I keep insisting that the competition is tougher than he thinks and even with grades that he feels are "phenomenal" he may have a tough time getting into even UVA or UMD. I almost think he is oppositional, anything I say to him he feels the need to challenge, debate, oppose, it's so tiring I cry some nights after asking him the simplest request.

Maybe he needs more of a challenge? Has he chosen the classes/sports himself, or did you? For me, I kind of skated by the first two years of HS (with my parents warning me it couldn't last) but then decided that I wanted to volunteer on a political campaign. My parents didn't suggest this, I just came up with it on my own. I became super-involved, and the organizational skills I learned led me to focus in other parts of my life, too- I really bore down at school, mostly so I could spend more time on the campaign. If he has some other interests he hasn't pursued, maybe you could subtly encourage him to do so?

I would never select his courses for him, that's his choice as he has to take the courses and also has to enjoy what he is learning. We discuss his selections in depth but other than his father and I signing off on them he is in charge of what he wants to take. This year he's managed to create a very demanding schedule for himself, mostly AP courses, very few easy electives. His electives are actually AP music courses which are not easy courses to me at all. I admire his drive but what typically happens is that he starts the year off with all A's, then A's & B's, then B's, then B's and some C's. This may be normal but he just gets lazy and loses interest as the year goes on, he blames his grades on his teachers not liking him, on his teachers losing his homework, on everything but himself. He wont take responsibility or go back to redo work for the better grade when given the opportunity. He also has the system worked out so he knows how many homework assignments he can miss so that he can still manage to get A's and B's without doing homework. He is very smart but when he isn't challenged he is a problem. Last year we had an issue with him debating, challenging, being rude to and showing absolute disrespect to one of his teachers to the point I thought she was going to remove him from the class. When she contacted us and we had to confront him to discuss the matter he broke down in tears crying that she "didn't like him". That to me is manipulation and just him being an asshat to an older lady that he should show respect to.

These are the things I expect from him on a daily basis that he doesn't manage to do without his father or I "nagging" him - take his allergy meds, make bed, throw trash out rather than leave it on counter, shower, brush teeth, be kind to siblings, show respect, no swearing in front of young siblings or at his parents. I really dont feel those are high expectations for a high schooler. His chore in the house is to get the trash/recycling out which never happens, his father does it.

[Anonymous]

Two words - military school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two words - military school

Ha ha, we've joked (not really joking) to him about how he would not survive a day at military school. He's mentioned going to the Naval Academy. His father and I have to hold in our wild laughter, he wouldn't make it a day there with the rigorous expectations of cleanliness and standards. I love my boy dearly and I do hope he'd rise to the occasion, but I know my kid, he still can't make a bed or tie his shoes to save his life. He KNOWS how, he's just lazy and does it wrong to spite me.

[Anonymous]

IMHO if his only chore is taking out the garbage, you are spoiling him. He should be contributing more at his age. Who does his laundry? How does he earn money for clothes, entertainment etc? If he doesn't contribute to the family, why is he getting the benefits, ie allowance and you paying for new clothes etc. Why does he expect you to pay for college?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems obvious to me. He wants more attention. Negative attention is still attention. Have you been distracted or focussed more on his siblings? Have you taken one-on-one time with him just to have fun (not nag)?

I'd at least give it a try...

Thank you for this suggestion. With four children, two of them very young and one with ADHD of course my attention is spread thin. I'm going to make a date to take him out for a special mother & son date, maybe a movie of a book we've both read. He and I both read then discuss books or shows we've enjoyed. We also both enjoy talking about politics. I'm going to plan something special and see if it helps a little. In the past taking him out to dinner has been enjoyable but only a short term solution.

It sounds like this is a rare event for you two. The short-time effort may be why you are only getting a short-term solution. This is something you absolutely need to be doing on a regular basis. You should have a weekly time set aside for your son (dinner, lunch, brunch...) where you and he do something special for an hour or two. Make it the same time every week and make sure you honor the commitment, no matter what. I understand you may think you are too busy, but that is really not an option. Trust me - I watched my brother go through this and my parents pull away because he was too much of a handful, and the long-term result was very negative. It was, and still is, very clear to me that all he really needed was positive time with his mommy. Give it to your son. Regularly.

[Anonymous]

Could it be a sibling rivalry issue of some sort? In my family, my oldest sister got great grades and was incredibly well-behaved as a child. My brother who was #2 rebelled terribly as a teenager because he wanted attention and he wasn't getting it for his great grades, etc. He was one of those kids who probably appeared to not care but it was just a coping mechanism for getting by and feeling like he was getting attention. Perhaps thinking about how you treat each of your children individually might help in seeing how he is "perceiving" being treated, if that makes sense.

I know you mentioned an issue with one teacher, maybe you could talk to some other teachers to get their take on him. Teachers often have an interesting insight into the social dynamics of a child that sometime the parents don't even see. Maybe see if he behaves appropriately with the other teachers and see if they have any ideas as to why (discipline style, personality, other kids in the class, etc.). I am a teacher and had a parent come tell me how rude and obnoxious her teenage son had become and how sorry she was for this but he was a perfect angel in my class - really one of the best kids. Working through it together and brainstorming, we ended up figuring out what was going on with him.

Also, there is a book called "The Motivation Breakthrough" (I think it is by Richard Lavoie) that gives teachers and parents tips for motivating kids by helping to identify what type of motivation really works for them. Part of the thesis of the book is that nobody is truly "unmotivated" but rather motivated in the wrong way or in a way we don't like. As a teacher, I have had success when viewing behavior through this prism to see what might be motivating a kid to act that way, etc.

[Anonymous]

Wow...calling him an Asshat?

Anyways, for about 10 months my DD displayed some of the behavior that your DS is showing. She was out of control.

We were at our wit's end and, as a last resort, we took her to a therapist. Come to find out that she was depressed and had some emotional issues she was dealing with. She had lost a close grandparent and some other things that had taken a toll on her.

We thought we were attentive parents, but we were so caught up in the negative aspects of her behavior and how WE thought she should act, that we forgot that there had to be CAUSE for the behavior.

Cursing at you is unacceptable. But I think there is something deeper there. Don't focus on the behavior - take steps to find out WHY.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IMHO if his only chore is taking out the garbage, you are spoiling him. He should be contributing more at his age. Who does his laundry? How does he earn money for clothes, entertainment etc? If he doesn't contribute to the family, why is he getting the benefits, ie allowance and you paying for new clothes etc. Why does he expect you to pay for college?

With four kids in the house there are chores for everyone. His other chore is cleaning the bathrooms when we have guests. Everyone is responsible for wiping the bathrooms down and keeping them clean as they use them if they mess them us. I vacuum and do the laundry myself. The kids do not do the laundry, we had an incident with whites that turned red and a broken washing machine so the washing is an adult chore. It's not worth a new machine to have the kids doing the wash. The kids take turns clearing the dining room table and loading the dishwasher.

Fortunately for my children their grandparents have set up trusts for college. They all know that is taken care of, there is no way around making them work for that. Three of the four are very appreciative and thankful for this gift. One thinks it is owed to him.

He gets no allowance because he refuses to do any extra chores other than carrying his dishes to the sink. I am not paying him to be a member of the family. I do buy his school supplies and I do make sure he has clothes but nothing above what he needs, we're not shopping at expensive stores. If he wants something special he has to save for it from bday money or what not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow...calling him an Asshat?

Anyways, for about 10 months my DD displayed some of the behavior that your DS is showing. She was out of control.

We were at our wit's end and, as a last resort, we took her to a therapist. Come to find out that she was depressed and had some emotional issues she was dealing with. She had lost a close grandparent and some other things that had taken a toll on her.

We thought we were attentive parents, but we were so caught up in the negative aspects of her behavior and how WE thought she should act, that we forgot that there had to be CAUSE for the behavior.

Cursing at you is unacceptable. But I think there is something deeper there. Don't focus on the behavior - take steps to find out WHY.

Good luck!

I'm venting on a parenting board, I do not call him that to his face. I'm only human and he is pushing me to the edge of my limits. If I can't vent online where can I vent?