Why Is My 16 Year Old Son A Raging Asshat?

[Anonymous]

Sorry about what you're going through. It sounds, though, as if you have pretty high expectations for him (nothing wrong with that at all) and so does he, but there is a definite mismatch between expectations and reality. It may be that you need to back off and let him "take charge" of his own life, even though that may not take him in the short term in the direction he thinks he is going in.

As long as he's not doing anything self-destructive (drugs or flunking out or hanging out with the wrong crowd), he may just have to learn some lessons himself by making his own mistakes, i.e., not getting into Columbia or Duke or UVA and settling for community college and transferring or a gap year and reapplying. Sometimes there are lessons only life can teach you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry about what you're going through. It sounds, though, as if you have pretty high expectations for him (nothing wrong with that at all) and so does he, but there is a definite mismatch between expectations and reality. It may be that you need to back off and let him "take charge" of his own life, even though that may not take him in the short term in the direction he thinks he is going in.

As long as he's not doing anything self-destructive (drugs or flunking out or hanging out with the wrong crowd), he may just have to learn some lessons himself by making his own mistakes, i.e., not getting into Columbia or Duke or UVA and settling for community college and transferring or a gap year and reapplying. Sometimes there are lessons only life can teach you.

Well, his expectations are for himself to get into Columbia or Duke, those are not my expectations. My expectations are for him to throw his trash out rather than leave it on the counter, brush his teeth, not be rude to his siblings, just kind of be civil in my house to his family members. I don't think my expectations for him are high or out of the ordinary at all. His reactions to anything we ask of him are over the top and dramatic. The smallest thing we ask, even showering turns into a huge explosion. He feels he knows everything and that we are really pretty stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post sounds like it was written by a bored teen. Yes it's been a long summer but school is almost starting. Have you done your summer reading yet?

I can't imagine an actual parent posting something like this and yes, I have two teens.

What about the post makes you think a bored teen wrote it? I'm the mother of four children, one happens to be a teen in high school. Of my four children one is constantly pushing my buttons. What about that says "bored teen" to you? And yes, I do feel he's a raging asshat, I can say that here to vent. He's rude and generally inconsiderate. He isn't a criminal, does not drink, does not do drugs, he does play three sports but is very lazy about practicing even though he thinks he carries the teams and has potential to play D1 college sports. I'm extremely frustrated with him and we are 100% in a power struggle. He's just an unkind person and expects us do to things for him because we are the "parents" and he is the "kid" or his excuse is he only a teen yet he throws how he's so responsible in my face 45 times a day. I'm just sick of it and I'd truly rather have triplet toddlers than a teen son right now.

Again, what about this says "bored teen" to you?

Because no parent could possibly think that taking away things like sports practices and instruments and books could possibly be a good idea. Too many things just don't ring true. By 16 a kid would likely already have been recruited for D1 sports, especially if he is "carrying the team" so either he has or he hasn't at this point. What says bored teen to me is a kid (or maybe kids) trying to stir up parents on this site. Seems to be working.

[Anonymous]

Sorry PP but I think you are the &hit stirrer here. I think OP is a normal parent trying to figure out how to cope with her surly teen.
Just move on unless you dont want to give advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry PP but I think you are the &hit stirrer here. I think OP is a normal parent trying to figure out how to cope with her surly teen.
Just move on unless you dont want to give advice.

She didn't actually ask for advice - she asked someone to tell her the kid wouldn't be a lazy husband. She alleges to have a kid who gets As and Bs in honors and AP classes, plays 3 sports at apparently a competitive enough level to potentially be recruited, plays some kind of instrument and likes to read in his free time. It is not apparent what the power struggles are about but it sounds like she needs to just back off and leave the kid alone. What exactly is she expecting him to do if she takes away sports practices, instruments and books. Seems to me those are things she should be wanting the kid to do. So is she not letting him do preseason for whatever fall sport he plays? To me that seems like just asking for him to be hanging around the house with too much free time on his hands this fall. If it were me I'd be getting the kid involved in lots of activities.

[Anonymous]

Could be ADD. At the very least, based on my personal experience, I would encourage a visit to a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This post sounds like it was written by a bored teen. Yes it's been a long summer but school is almost starting. Have you done your summer reading yet?

I can't imagine an actual parent posting something like this and yes, I have two teens.

What about the post makes you think a bored teen wrote it? I'm the mother of four children, one happens to be a teen in high school. Of my four children one is constantly pushing my buttons. What about that says "bored teen" to you? And yes, I do feel he's a raging asshat, I can say that here to vent. He's rude and generally inconsiderate. He isn't a criminal, does not drink, does not do drugs, he does play three sports but is very lazy about practicing even though he thinks he carries the teams and has potential to play D1 college sports. I'm extremely frustrated with him and we are 100% in a power struggle. He's just an unkind person and expects us do to things for him because we are the "parents" and he is the "kid" or his excuse is he only a teen yet he throws how he's so responsible in my face 45 times a day. I'm just sick of it and I'd truly rather have triplet toddlers than a teen son right now.

Again, what about this says "bored teen" to you?

Because no parent could possibly think that taking away things like sports practices and instruments and books could possibly be a good idea. Too many things just don't ring true. By 16 a kid would likely already have been recruited for D1 sports, especially if he is "carrying the team" so either he has or he hasn't at this point. What says bored teen to me is a kid (or maybe kids) trying to stir up parents on this site. Seems to be working.

A 16 year old is either a 10th or 11th grader and is certainly most not recruited to play D1 sports, sorry, you have no idea what you are talking about. My child wants to play D1, I did not day he was recruited to play. I also stated that my child feels he carries the team in his own mind, and that he is not humble, I did not say that he in reality carries the team, because he does not carry the team in any way. Did you read anything I wrote? And yes, when a child is disrespectful and rude then taking away sports is indeed a valid punishment. Allowing a child to continue playing the sport they love while abusing a parent verbally proves what? It proves the child can walk all over the parent and still continue to do as he or she pleases. Sports are a privilege not a right, in my house you do not get to enjoy sports if you are calling me "asshole" and behaving like a buffoon. I am not sure how that is poor parenting. As far as instruments, yes, it's summer, not school, so taking away a guitar or drum set is indeed a punishment. I also am not being punished my keeping a belligerent child at home, the child is punished. I am still not seeing your point. Isn't parenting about setting limits and teaching children respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could be ADD. At the very least, based on my personal experience, I would encourage a visit to a therapist.

I've thought about this and have been thinking about asking his doctor. Is it possible to get such good grades and be able to focus at school yet be so scattered at home and be so rude and disrespectful?

[Anonymous]

OP, how was your relationship with him before he was a teenager?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was your relationship with him before he was a teenager?

He's #2 of four children. Our relationship has always been good. He's always been a challenger but never to the point of calling me names. He excels at sports and music. He has high hopes of being a millionaire and going to business school. I hope he succeeds at everything he wants to do. I love him very much, but I cannot allow him to curse at me or disrespect me in my home or be rude to his siblings. I've always supported his talents and been there for him. We've done special things together. Could he be afraid of growing up and possibly making that move to college? I just don't understand the constant debating, challenging, fighting, arguing, everything that he feels the need to fight over. It's such an emotional suck over such little stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could be ADD. At the very least, based on my personal experience, I would encourage a visit to a therapist.

I've thought about this and have been thinking about asking his doctor. Is it possible to get such good grades and be able to focus at school yet be so scattered at home and be so rude and disrespectful?

I think the answer is yes. We learned that our DD was smarter than her good grades (so it only took her minimal effort to achieve her grades). I've learned recently about some things some friends of my DS are going through (they just graduated HS). Pretty serious stuff (but they were all super nice when at our house -- so more surprising to hear about their troubles.) And one is headed to Yale next month -- you just never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was your relationship with him before he was a teenager?

He's #2 of four children. Our relationship has always been good. He's always been a challenger but never to the point of calling me names. He excels at sports and music. He has high hopes of being a millionaire and going to business school. I hope he succeeds at everything he wants to do. I love him very much, but I cannot allow him to curse at me or disrespect me in my home or be rude to his siblings. I've always supported his talents and been there for him. We've done special things together. Could he be afraid of growing up and possibly making that move to college? I just don't understand the constant debating, challenging, fighting, arguing, everything that he feels the need to fight over. It's such an emotional suck over such little stuff.

OP, these are things that make me think that there is something else going on. Depression? Something at school? With a girlfriend? Seeing a therapist might help, but the challenge would be to get him to go.

[Anonymous]

Could anyone recommend a therapist to see? Perhaps someone I could see then someone he could see after I speak to the therapist. I have no idea where to start or what type of person to even seek out.

[Anonymous]

He''s one of 4. All good kids except this one in a stage of being a jerk. Maybe he wants to distinguish himself from the others? He's probably getting the most attention because of his bad behavior.

Just a suggestion - have you tried spending some time alone with him away from your usual situation? Instead of shutting him out, let him in, but in a different place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He''s one of 4. All good kids except this one in a stage of being a jerk. Maybe he wants to distinguish himself from the others? He's probably getting the most attention because of his bad behavior.

Just a suggestion - have you tried spending some time alone with him away from your usual situation? Instead of shutting him out, let him in, but in a different place.

I've tried inviting him out to dinner at the place of his choice, I take him out shopping (grocery store, BN, etc).