Why Is My 16 Year Old Son A Raging Asshat?

[Anonymous]

Well, gee, OP, if I was a 16 year old boy and my own mother talked this way about me, I would be lashing back too....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Apathy is one of the most frustrating things to deal with in a teenager. It basically gives you no leverage because if they value nothing, then you have nothing to take away. I think (and hope) it's a phase. My son goes in and out of these moods as well, it's normal. They're hormonal and dealing with feelings they never dealt with. However, the one time my son called me a name or disrespected me, I put a dollop of liquid soap in his mouth. Flame away, I'd do it again. He has not done it since.

How old is he? I have thought about doing something like that but now at 16. That may have worked at a younger age to instill fear but at an older age it would just make a teen think you're insane. We had jambalaya the other night and my preschooler grabbed a bottle of hot sauce and drank it, so the hot sauce punishment would be useless on him. He'd probably also enjoy soap.

At the book store today I picked up three books and downloaded another four to my iPad. I really hope to take some good points away from all of them. I'm meeting with the pediatrician on Wednesday, he has an appointment with her on Friday, and we're going to schedule an ADHD evaluation to begin with.

He's 14, but no matter if he's 16 or 22 I'm his mother and at no age is it acceptable to talk to me like that. He can call me whatever he wants alone in his room, I really don't care. I won't engage in screaming matches with him though. I'm going to have to disagree with other posters that his behavior needs to be evaluated for things like ADHD or depression, it may isolate him further. He truly sounds like a typical teenager, I would let it ride for a bit. As one poster pointed out, his behavior may have absolutely nothing to do with you at all, but you bear the brunt of whatever is frustrations are going on in his life because he loves you and feels safe with you.

[Anonymous]

PP, I'm the poster who posted about "The Explosive Child". I can promise you that your type of thinking and reaction is VERY common among parents, even the best of parents. They feel that if they are only more strict, more consistent with their discipline, and more punitive and take more and more things away, their child will finall learn to do what he is told and not be disrespective, be obedient, etc.

The analogy I would like you to consider is that of a learning-disabled teen who has dyslexia and simply cannot read. Now, all your other children can read just fine. So when they do not sit down and finish their book reports, you the parent can say "Fine, no TV/ice cream/sports until you finish that book and get your book report done." If you are consisten, firm, and lay out your expectations clearly, and follow through with the punishement if the children don't obey, then the children will learn to get the books read and the book report written.

But your dyslexic child can't read the book (in this hypothesis) and can't write the book report -- at least not without a lot of help. You can punish and be firm, and say "No child of mine is going to fail to turn in a book report!" but none of that will help the child with his dyslexia problem, will it? You aren't actually addressing the problem, by being firm and punishing and following through. You are just going to cause a child to either a) explode at you in fruatration or b) withdraw and say "I don't care" because he can't fix his problem by himself.

I strongly suspect that OP's child has a disability in controlling his temper and thinking of ways to respond to frustration that he is able to handle occasionally (such as around his dad) but inly with great effort, but is probably around mom and siblings more and that's when it really comes out. If so, there's plenty of help out there for him! I'm not saying he has a disability to excuse this behavior in any way -- just to say that punishing him for it isn't actually solving the problem! He probably could use a little medications to calm things down (and my guess is mom could use a little too as they seem to set each other off) while he gets some therapy for learning how to deal with anger and frustration in more productive ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't shower or brush his teeth that may be a real sign of depression. Most boys I know this age are actually pretty focused on hygiene (because of girls), and kids who play sports tend to shower pretty regularly. It may be that taking away the things he likes to do have created a downward spiral and exacerbated depression? I would get him checked out pretty quickly so that it doesn't affect his school year - presumably he's a junior which is the most important year for college admissions so if, as you say, your aim is to get him out of the house as fast as possible you probably want to make sure he does reasonably well this year.

I would also suggest counseling or parenting classes for you as some professional advice on how to respond to him would probably be helpful. Maybe a little positive reinforcement now and again would be helpful. You haven't said a single postiive thing about him on this thread. He must do something that you are proud of? He actually sounds to me like a pretty good/normal teenage boy. Your language and attitude are so negative and combative so it's not surprising that things have gotten so bad.

I have said many good things about him. He gets great grades, he isn't a trouble maker, he's an amazing musician, he's very athletic, he can be a joy to be around but he's also an incredible draining person when he's challenging us.

He isn't showering because he's sad or "down", he's not showering because he's lazy. I wish I could explain better than I am. He'll come in from practice and I'll tell him to run up and shower because we're eating in 20 minutes. 20 minutes will go by and I'll find him sitting on Facebook or playing xbox, no shower and still in his sweaty practice clothes. When I ask why he hasn't showered he'll tell me that they barely broke a sweat and he doesn't need to when it's apparent he's covered in dirt and soaking wet. I don't see depressed, I see lazy. But it could 100% be depressed. Or ADHD. Or just not wanted to do what we ask. I don't know.

I don't mean to be so down on him or sound so negative but when you live this 24/7 it's tough to see the light in the situation, same as you would in a bad marriage. It sucks to deal with such a difficult person, spouse, parent, or child.

To OP. When you type not showering and get go to therapist remarks the responders don't realize:
1. the kid just got in from practice
2. is NOT unbathed for days wallowing in pee stained underwear
3. he is simply chilling [as they say] when getting in

I too wanted a DS to shower ASAP but relaxed about it. It's not ADD or depression or even lazy. He's tired.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he doesn't shower or brush his teeth that may be a real sign of depression. Most boys I know this age are actually pretty focused on hygiene (because of girls), and kids who play sports tend to shower pretty regularly. It may be that taking away the things he likes to do have created a downward spiral and exacerbated depression? I would get him checked out pretty quickly so that it doesn't affect his school year - presumably he's a junior which is the most important year for college admissions so if, as you say, your aim is to get him out of the house as fast as possible you probably want to make sure he does reasonably well this year.

I would also suggest counseling or parenting classes for you as some professional advice on how to respond to him would probably be helpful. Maybe a little positive reinforcement now and again would be helpful. You haven't said a single postiive thing about him on this thread. He must do something that you are proud of? He actually sounds to me like a pretty good/normal teenage boy. Your language and attitude are so negative and combative so it's not surprising that things have gotten so bad.

I have said many good things about him. He gets great grades, he isn't a trouble maker, he's an amazing musician, he's very athletic, he can be a joy to be around but he's also an incredible draining person when he's challenging us.

He isn't showering because he's sad or "down", he's not showering because he's lazy. I wish I could explain better than I am. He'll come in from practice and I'll tell him to run up and shower because we're eating in 20 minutes. 20 minutes will go by and I'll find him sitting on Facebook or playing xbox, no shower and still in his sweaty practice clothes. When I ask why he hasn't showered he'll tell me that they barely broke a sweat and he doesn't need to when it's apparent he's covered in dirt and soaking wet. I don't see depressed, I see lazy. But it could 100% be depressed. Or ADHD. Or just not wanted to do what we ask. I don't know.

I don't mean to be so down on him or sound so negative but when you live this 24/7 it's tough to see the light in the situation, same as you would in a bad marriage. It sucks to deal with such a difficult person, spouse, parent, or child.

To OP. When you type not showering and get go to therapist remarks the responders don't realize:
1. the kid just got in from practice
2. is NOT unbathed for days wallowing in pee stained underwear
3. he is simply chilling [as they say] when getting in

I too wanted a DS to shower ASAP but relaxed about it. It's not ADD or depression or even lazy. He's tired.

Thank you, that's such a good point. We do give him time to relax before he has to shower but when hours go by and he's falling asleep in his practice clothes then wearing them the next it's not okay. He has to shower within a reasonable time after practice. I totally get he's tired. He can sit, he can rest, but before he goes to bed? Getting into bed with sweat soaked practice clothes? No. That is lazy. He doesn't want to put the xbox controller down and shower.

And yes, he actually will wear the same boxers for days at a time if I don't remind him to change, which other mom's of teen boys have told me they also have to do. Once there is a girlfriend in the picture it changes but until then most really don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, gee, OP, if I was a 16 year old boy and my own mother talked this way about me, I would be lashing back too....

Thank you. Because I speak to him this way or I talk about him in front of his face. If I was speaking to a therapist or counselor I couldn't speak openly? I'm on an internet forum posting anonymously, venting my frustrations and concerns. You have no idea how kind I am to my son and how much I love him, because I love him more than I can tell you and I would do anything for him. I am seeking advice on how to better parent him and my frustrations are just as real as those of a brand new parent with that newborn that refuses to sleep and that cries all day & night. Why is my complaint any less frustrating?

Do you really think I shut my laptop and go talk about him as I type here and antagonize him so he lashes out at me? Please, if you really feel I parent him so as I am the person forcing him to behave the way he does then do not bother responding to my requests for advice or feedback. I don't respond to other parents' cries for help with responses of "well, I'd behave that way too, just listen to what you're typing here".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I'm the poster who posted about "The Explosive Child". I can promise you that your type of thinking and reaction is VERY common among parents, even the best of parents. They feel that if they are only more strict, more consistent with their discipline, and more punitive and take more and more things away, their child will finall learn to do what he is told and not be disrespective, be obedient, etc.

The analogy I would like you to consider is that of a learning-disabled teen who has dyslexia and simply cannot read. Now, all your other children can read just fine. So when they do not sit down and finish their book reports, you the parent can say "Fine, no TV/ice cream/sports until you finish that book and get your book report done." If you are consisten, firm, and lay out your expectations clearly, and follow through with the punishement if the children don't obey, then the children will learn to get the books read and the book report written.

But your dyslexic child can't read the book (in this hypothesis) and can't write the book report -- at least not without a lot of help. You can punish and be firm, and say "No child of mine is going to fail to turn in a book report!" but none of that will help the child with his dyslexia problem, will it? You aren't actually addressing the problem, by being firm and punishing and following through. You are just going to cause a child to either a) explode at you in fruatration or b) withdraw and say "I don't care" because he can't fix his problem by himself.

I strongly suspect that OP's child has a disability in controlling his temper and thinking of ways to respond to frustration that he is able to handle occasionally (such as around his dad) but inly with great effort, but is probably around mom and siblings more and that's when it really comes out. If so, there's plenty of help out there for him! I'm not saying he has a disability to excuse this behavior in any way -- just to say that punishing him for it isn't actually solving the problem! He probably could use a little medications to calm things down (and my guess is mom could use a little too as they seem to set each other off) while he gets some therapy for learning how to deal with anger and frustration in more productive ways.

Thank you! I plan to spend a few hours today reading the book, you're analogy makes sense. I'm struggling and I'm sorry I get defensive, I'm really looking for solutions, my son is wonderful, he's a great student, so smart, has a great personality when he's not raging at us. He's funny, he plays music for his siblings, he's creative. I love everything about him minus when he's screaming at me.

And yes, when he could care less about being punished when he swears or screams at us it's tough to come up with effective discipline to show him we aren't going to tolerate the behavior. I also do not want to set up a fail fail situation with his siblings where they feel they can behave poorly.

[Anonymous]

NP here. OP we have the same problem over here, though it's a stepson and he manipulates the use of 2 houses for his benefit. Be happy that isn't the case in your situation - it adds a whole new craptastic dimension to the drama.

We're a few weeks from 17 years old, there is no inclination to getting a job, a driver's license, a car. Nothing. All the things I valued as a teen he doesn't care about. Like you said, our teen goes to bed if he doesn't get his way. And his PSAT scores were so high that Harvard was sending him mail asking him to visit and apply. Then he bombed the SAT while simultaneously pulling that "I don't have to do homework if I can get an A on the test" which he does. But average the homework and attendance with the tests and we've got a 2.0 student going into senior year. A 2.0 student, who I might add, really could have gone to Harvard. He's that smart. And he blew it.

We're beside ourselves now. He schemed to move back to the other parent, thinking a change in high school would wipe his grades. Ha. Hilarious. That 2.0 will follow him like a stalker.

One thing we did find out from his brother - he was being "coached" in his new behavior by his friends. So that was interesting. He's now backed himself into a corner and with 9 months to go before graduation, we're just waiting to see what happens. He doesn't have enough ambition to fill out an application for community college, so we'll see. I have already said he will not be coming to live with us. He kicked us in the teeth after we did everything for him and he told us to eff off and went to live with the other parent.

Please - look at the fact that you don't have a divorce as having a much bigger upper hand than you think you do. I'm not sure how this can get fixed, because we tried therapists, read Oppositional Defiance books, nothing worked. We had to give up, sadly. Please report back!

[Anonymous]

OP,
Where is he in birth order? I have read all the responses.

[Anonymous]

16 yo males have hormonal insanity

[Anonymous]

Maybe you should look into different methods of punishment. When my brother would misbehave, he would get all of the things he enjoyed taken away.

After a while it didn't matter if it was taken away, they they started having him do chores, because he would just nap. So having him wash the dishes, mow the lawn, make up everyone bed.

Look into different punishment methods, you need to get to the core of why he is behaving the way he does as well.

Do you treat them all the same?
Do you show him the same amount of attention as the others?

A lot of the time teenagers act out because they feel as if the parent is not spending enough quality time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:spoiled.

Why would you waste your money on college for a kid that doesn't give a damn. Sorry. OP, but somewhere along the line you and DH created this monster because this kind of behavior doesn't happen overnight, unless he has some serious mental and emotional problems. I have a family member with two kids just like this. The reason why: she and her DH gave the kids anything they wanted and spoiled them rotten.

[Anonymous]

PP here...really 11:33? We're down to calling eachother the c word? I reported your comment because it is totally unnecessary and abusive.

16:02, what do you recommend when you take everything away and the child goes to bed, and so you give them chores and they flat out refuse to do them? That's the problem we have. Total complete defiance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here...really 11:33? We're down to calling eachother the c word? I reported your comment because it is totally unnecessary and abusive.

16:02, what do you recommend when you take everything away and the child goes to bed, and so you give them chores and they flat out refuse to do them? That's the problem we have. Total complete defiance.

Sent him to a military school or watch the Twilight Zone show about what happens to kids who don't behave. Scary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:spoiled.

Why would you waste your money on college for a kid that doesn't give a damn. Sorry. OP, but somewhere along the line you and DH created this monster because this kind of behavior doesn't happen overnight, unless he has some serious mental and emotional problems. I have a family member with two kids just like this. The reason why: she and her DH gave the kids anything they wanted and spoiled them rotten.

BUT OP has three other kids who DON'T behave like this. And OP said she doesn't give her son anything he wants -- QUITE the opposite.

How is this possible? How can a parent be doing everything right, and still the child just doesn't care very much to behave? Hmmm... might be something different about the child, I think.