Why Is My 16 Year Old Son A Raging Asshat?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a very similar DS though a few years younger. We are seeking therapy and hoping DS will go willingly. At the end our rope. Good kid but can not control his emotions and becomes abusive physically and verbally with family members. He needs help. It's beyond our skill set.

[Anonymous]

When I was a teenager I did not like my family very much. I found them embarrassing. I did not share their world view or opinions on anything: politics; fashion; money; etc... you name it. I still feel that way, albeit more mildly as an adult. Honestly, I just felt out of sync with them on everything, like a changeling. It was awful dealing with those feelings on a daily basis when I lived at home. Once I went away to college things were better and, as a adult with my own family, its better still. That said, I am not really close to my mom, dad or brother, they are just too different from me. I love them but I do not love being with them. It is not differences that you would necessarily be able to see. They are upper middle class as am I, so its not a "class" issue (like being embarrassed of a poor background). If anything I would say the best way to describe it is that they are all kind of "dorky" as silly and "teenager-ish" as that sounds. They just really get on my nerves. When I was dependent on them, I had to toe the line because they were super strict and would have made my life miserable if I were disrespectful or broke household rules. As far as grades, I was much like your son. I easily made Bs and some As in honors classes but did not study or work hard at all. I was grounded when I failed to make Honor Roll and it did not matter. I did not change. My mom and I survived it better than my dad and I. She was more kind and loving an didn't constantly yell and push me. When my Dad would scream or lecture I would literally just tune him out mentally. Every time he did this, I filed it away in my head and knew that as soon as I could "escape" his authority I would have as little to do with him as possible and, I do.

So, my advice to you is tone it down on everything except the respect part. I would calmly tell him that he has to live with the consequences of his actions at school, on sport teams, and at home (no helping you, you do nothing for him) BUT the one thing he HAS to do is treat you and his father and his siblings respectfully as long as he lives with you. Otherwise you will ship him off to a military style boarding school. Get some brochures and start looking into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how was your relationship with him before he was a teenager?

He's #2 of four children. Our relationship has always been good. He's always been a challenger but never to the point of calling me names. He excels at sports and music. He has high hopes of being a millionaire and going to business school. I hope he succeeds at everything he wants to do. I love him very much, but I cannot allow him to curse at me or disrespect me in my home or be rude to his siblings. I've always supported his talents and been there for him. We've done special things together. Could he be afraid of growing up and possibly making that move to college? I just don't understand the constant debating, challenging, fighting, arguing, everything that he feels the need to fight over. It's such an emotional suck over such little stuff.

Doesn't seem depressed with those talents and goals. Feeling privileged sounds more like it. He's acting like a hedge fund manager already.

[Anonymous]

Did OP say she thought he was depressed?

Could be manic.

[Anonymous]

military school.

[Anonymous]

I used to be exactly like your teen with complete jerkish attitude and disrespect for parents. Everybody in my family was very obedient and "nice", made their bed, did household chores, except me - I had issues. I refused to be obedient and I won't do what they ask me to do, just because they asked me to do it - no real reason.

I do not know your teen or you, so i can only speak from my experience - When i behaved that way, I was testing the limits of my parents. I wanted to know do they still love me even if I were to be a complete bitch and if I were not to behave how they want me to behave. And the more they resisted and argued back, the more i thought they hated me and I became even worse. I was compared to my cousin and how she was with her parents, and that even made things worse. I just wanted them to love me for who i was, and wanted them to be on my side instead of thinking of me as a trouble child. no matter what DO NOT COMPARE him with anybody, even indirectly.

Anyway, you just cant reason with your teen right now. It will pass, i think. However, I do think that it does take two to tango, and there is always other side to the story that can't be ignored, no matter how irrational this may sound.

"If there is anything that we wish to change in a child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves" - Carl Gustav Jung

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two words - military school

Ha ha, we've joked (not really joking) to him about how he would not survive a day at military school. He's mentioned going to the Naval Academy. His father and I have to hold in our wild laughter, he wouldn't make it a day there with the rigorous expectations of cleanliness and standards. I love my boy dearly and I do hope he'd rise to the occasion, but I know my kid, he still can't make a bed or tie his shoes to save his life. He KNOWS how, he's just lazy and does it wrong to spite me.

You know, maybe he craves that sort of rigidity and structure. It'd be interesting to see how he do in some sort of military based summer camp. (At little late at this point...but worth considering in the future.)

[Anonymous]

I know this thread has been beaten to death, but I wanted to tell OP that I have a 12 YO son who is probably his long lost twin in some way. Same characteristics, but add the fact that he's a total drama queen and always the victim. I too hope that he grows out of it. I feel for you OP. I hope you can survive it!!

[Anonymous]

I feel your pain. I too have a 16 year old son who gets good grades by just showing up to school, and argues every issue with me. If I say its black he will say its white. He plays a sport and has insisted that if it were not for him the team would fall apart. He is unkind to his sister and feels no remorse when he makes me or his sister cry with his cruelness or his indifference. I wish I had some great advice, but I don't. My only hope is that he will outgrow this.

[Anonymous]

Is there room in the budget for military boarding school?

[Anonymous]

Omg that's me

[Anonymous]

Damn. I was hoping for an update from OP since her DS is 20 now. HEY OP! HOW ABOUT AN UPDATE?? Is your DS still an asshat or did he grow out of it? I've got a 14 yo that's an asshat and need some encouragement.....

[Anonymous]

I just spent the last 30 mins reading this entire board/thread because I am looking for insight on battling with the challenges of a 16yr old at home. I copied a lot of advice from this thread to try on my own. I just wished we could see how the son turned out this many years later!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Damn. I was hoping for an update from OP since her DS is 20 now. HEY OP! HOW ABOUT AN UPDATE?? Is your DS still an asshat or did he grow out of it? I've got a 14 yo that's an asshat and need some encouragement.....

Agree. Update OP!

[Anonymous]

I have no time to read through this now but I certainly will later because I have a 15 year old son acting the same way right now. I have two other children who do NOT act this way, so I'm going to go ahead an cut myself a break and say that it's not due to some terrible parenting decisions. Hope I find some good advice when I read through this later.