Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption

[Anonymous]

Thanks, Guatemalan mom! Can I get your thoughts on our situation (since this is an anonymous forum)? When I was adopted, it was usually due to poverty reasons as well. These days, most Korean babies are adopted b/c their birth parents are young and unmarried, which is very stigmatized in Korea. However, this was not the reason our daughter was placed for adoption- hers was more of a so-called "scandalous" situation- think along the lines of rape, incest, or an affair.

How do you suggest answering the what happened to her real parents question in our case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, Guatemalan mom! Can I get your thoughts on our situation (since this is an anonymous forum)? When I was adopted, it was usually due to poverty reasons as well. These days, most Korean babies are adopted b/c their birth parents are young and unmarried, which is very stigmatized in Korea. However, this was not the reason our daughter was placed for adoption- hers was more of a so-called "scandalous" situation- think along the lines of rape, incest, or an affair.

How do you suggest answering the what happened to her real parents question in our case?

Guatemala here. A few thoughts: 1) that type of information truly is private information and I'd stick to the general "most babies are placed for adoption these days in Korea because the parents are young and unmarried. You are under no obligation to share that type of info with others. That is the kind of information that is no one's business. 2) How confident are you that the paperwork is accurate? As your daughter gets older and wants to know more about her adoption, this is something you'll need to think hard about how to share appropriately - I'd want to be confident that the paperwork indeed is accurate and this was the reason.

Truly sorry you have to struggle with that kind of difficult information. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.

[Anonymous]

"Adoptee/adoptive parent here. Can you give us some examples of what you feel comfortable sharing about your son?"

Not the PP that you are asking, but we're very open about adoption. Hard not to be - we are a lesbian couple with kids of other races. Things we talk about include where our kids are from, the fact that they lived in orphanages, the ages that they were when they came to us, our travel to get them (for those that we traveled for), court, things like that. Sometimes it comes up as to how long it took or what the process was like, which I'm quite comfortable talking about.

Things I think are off limits: why I choose to adopt, how much adoption costs (except in rare circumstances, such as when I am talking with someone who is trying to figure out if adoption is a possibility for them), and why my kids were in care in the first place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, Guatemalan mom! Can I get your thoughts on our situation (since this is an anonymous forum)? When I was adopted, it was usually due to poverty reasons as well. These days, most Korean babies are adopted b/c their birth parents are young and unmarried, which is very stigmatized in Korea. However, this was not the reason our daughter was placed for adoption- hers was more of a so-called "scandalous" situation- think along the lines of rape, incest, or an affair.

How do you suggest answering the what happened to her real parents question in our case?

Guatemala here. A few thoughts: 1) that type of information truly is private information and I'd stick to the general "most babies are placed for adoption these days in Korea because the parents are young and unmarried. You are under no obligation to share that type of info with others. That is the kind of information that is no one's business. 2) How confident are you that the paperwork is accurate? As your daughter gets older and wants to know more about her adoption, this is something you'll need to think hard about how to share appropriately - I'd want to be confident that the paperwork indeed is accurate and this was the reason.

Truly sorry you have to struggle with that kind of difficult information. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.

Thanks for responding. Yes, we are 99% sure (I guess one can never be 100% certain with anything) that this is the reason for her adoption. Both of her parents came (separately) into the agency to relinquish their rights and sign the papers and the adoption agency was able to interview them both. DH and I have talked for a very long time, and continue to do so, about how/when we will tell her the full story. Many people say we shouldn't (there is some more difficult info about her birth mom) tell her all the gory details, which I'm not sure I agree w ith, but we're processing it and will most likely seek an adoption therapist for miore guidance. Right now, all she knwos is very basic stuff but she's still a toddler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, Guatemalan mom! Can I get your thoughts on our situation (since this is an anonymous forum)? When I was adopted, it was usually due to poverty reasons as well. These days, most Korean babies are adopted b/c their birth parents are young and unmarried, which is very stigmatized in Korea. However, this was not the reason our daughter was placed for adoption- hers was more of a so-called "scandalous" situation- think along the lines of rape, incest, or an affair.

How do you suggest answering the what happened to her real parents question in our case?

Guatemala here. A few thoughts: 1) that type of information truly is private information and I'd stick to the general "most babies are placed for adoption these days in Korea because the parents are young and unmarried. You are under no obligation to share that type of info with others. That is the kind of information that is no one's business. 2) How confident are you that the paperwork is accurate? As your daughter gets older and wants to know more about her adoption, this is something you'll need to think hard about how to share appropriately - I'd want to be confident that the paperwork indeed is accurate and this was the reason.

Truly sorry you have to struggle with that kind of difficult information. Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way.

Thanks for responding. Yes, we are 99% sure (I guess one can never be 100% certain with anything) that this is the reason for her adoption. Both of her parents came (separately) into the agency to relinquish their rights and sign the papers and the adoption agency was able to interview them both. DH and I have talked for a very long time, and continue to do so, about how/when we will tell her the full story. Many people say we shouldn't (there is some more difficult info about her birth mom) tell her all the gory details, which I'm not sure I agree w ith, but we're processing it and will most likely seek an adoption therapist for miore guidance. Right now, all she knwos is very basic stuff but she's still a toddler.

Guatemala here again. You definitely have time. Stuff that we've read suggests that kids should know their whole story, including difficult details (but discussed in an age-appropriate manner) by the time they hit adolescence. I don't remember all the details about how to discuss this type of information but a good adoption therapist certainly will be able to help. Good luck and hugs - you sound very on top of things and as an adoptee yourself, you'll be able to help your daughter a great deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

PLEASE please....you adopted a child who looks different than you....don't sweep it under the rug or get offended.

Oh Please... no one is said to sweep anything under the rug. Perhaps it is just me but I am disgusted reading blog after blog of AP blabbing their children's stories to the world. You know the ones where they have "rescued" some poor waif from certain death, starvation, rape or worse abortion. I have read APs who live in 100% white communities and have adopted children of color then brag to the world that the child is HIV+... gee I bet these children can't wait to go to the public school. One couple actually wrote a book on how their child was found by a riverbank in Ethiopia in a sack with a rope around her neck. The only reason I can think of that AP do this is because the adoption is all about THEM not their children.

So forgive me if I err on the side of caution. I have had people come up to me and assume my child's first mom was a drug addict.

Also the pp who mentioned WISE UP perhaps they should actually read the site because it reinforces what I have been saying:

WHAT IS W.I.S.E. Up! http://www.adoptionissues.org/wiseup.html
The W.I.S.E. Up! Program first helps children realize that they are smarter than their peers – or WISER about adoption because of their experience of growing up in an adoptive family. They can take on the role of “expert”. This understanding alone helps introduce and prepare adopted children for the distinct likelihood that they will get asked questions and the reasons why.

Second, children learn to think about who is asking the question/making the comment and what they think is the motivation behind the question. Is the question coming from a trusted friend, from the class bully, from a teacher, etc. Is the person just curious or trying to tease?

Third, children learn to identify how they feel about

the person asking the question/making the comment
when the question is being asked – are they alone with their friend, or in front of other classmates; what kind of mood are they in – how are they feeling at that particular moment
how they feel about the question/comment. Children are usually shown a list of possible feelings including – sad, angry, surprised, shy, happy, confused, embarrassed, etc.

In the final and fourth step, children learn that they have four possible options for responding – each represented by the four letters of W.I.S.E., a tool designed for quick memorization. They actively CHOOSE how to respond.

W = WALK AWAY, or ignore what you hear.
I = IT’S PRIVATE, I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that appropriately, even to adults.
S = SHARE SOMETHING about my adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.
E = EDUCATE OTHERS about adoption in general, for example, I can talk about how adoption works today, successful adoptees, inaccurate information in the media, etc. I know a lot about it.

[Anonymous]

I am the PP who wrote about not sweeping things under rugs or getting offending.

Did you read my post?

I am advocating seeking support/help/groups to find a better response. I am not suggesting that the child or parent wear a billboard describing their adoption story, nor am I saying that people owe it others to do so.

I am simply saying that there is the reality of a caucasian mom and an Asian child. Deal with it positively, briefly, and with confidence. The OP had none if that in her post. She came across as agitated (which I get), defensive, and frankly, surprised that people see differences. Welcome to mankind. Forever. Now deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Thank you thank you 1540. I too wonder why APs feel the need to blabbering about their children's road to adoption. It is to make the AP feel good about him or herself. People, it is about the children not you. It is not your story to go blabbering to the neighbor, the Internet (children's pictures in full spread), or the stranger. How would you like your most intimate life stories bantered about by strangers. And for the bloggers, imagine your DC finding the blog and everyone thinking they know his story. I say think, for many times the APs don't know the true reasons for the placement of adoption.

[Anonymous]

Some of the folks replying, including the OP, really don't "get" the issue. No one is talking about sharing their child's personal history with everyone in the world, let alone talking about "rescuing" a waif. The OP sadly does have some issues if she equates sharing something like the child the family adopted is HIV+ or rescued from a drug addict etc. is the same as sharing basic information about where the child is from, or that yes, she and her spouse adopted.

As for the WISE Up curriculum, yes, it is all about empowering children to handle very intrusive questions and be the custodians of their story, but that fact does not mean that talking about adoption in general is somehow private or something to be ashamed of. There are sadly lots of APs out there who cannot talk about adoption -- probably because they view adoption as second best or have lingering fertility issues. I personally know of cases where a family adopts transracially and then they actually say they don't intend to tell the child s/he was adopted.

WISE Up works best when the child already understands his/her history (at an age appropriate level and has grown up in a family where adoption is viewed positively)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:that fact does not mean that talking about adoption in general is somehow private or something to be ashamed of.

You are mixing up me and the OP. I still don't get how or why you equate privacy to shame.

No one here is ashamed of anything. The question should be why do you feel so compelled to babble on?
A child constantly being made to explain their differences takes a toll on their self confidence. Just let them be kids.

Of course issues of adoption, race ect are to be discussed openly and often with family and friends.

I just object to have teaching moment with every random passerby-er

WISE UP should also be used by APs

They actively CHOOSE[u] how to respond.

W = WALK AWAY, or ignore what you hear.
I = IT’S PRIVATE, I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that appropriately, even to adults.
S = SHARE SOMETHING about my adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.
E = EDUCATE OTHERS about adoption in general, for example, I can talk about how adoption works today, successful adoptees, inaccurate information in the media, etc. I know a lot about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP who wrote about not sweeping things under rugs or getting offending.

Did you read my post?

I am advocating seeking support/help/groups to find a better response. I am not suggesting that the child or parent wear a billboard describing their adoption story, nor am I saying that people owe it others to do so.

I am simply saying that there is the reality of a caucasian mom and an Asian child. Deal with it positively, briefly, and with confidence. The OP had none if that in her post. She came across as agitated (which I get), defensive, and frankly, surprised that people see differences. Welcome to mankind. Forever. Now deal with it.

Ditto.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that fact does not mean that talking about adoption in general is somehow private or something to be ashamed of.

You are mixing up me and the OP. I still don't get how or why you equate privacy to shame.

No one here is ashamed of anything. The question should be why do you feel so compelled to babble on?
A child constantly being made to explain their differences takes a toll on their self confidence. Just let them be kids.

Of course issues of adoption, race ect are to be discussed openly and often with family and friends.

I just object to have teaching moment with every random passerby-er

WISE UP should also be used by APs

They actively CHOOSE[u] how to respond.

W = WALK AWAY, or ignore what you hear.
I = IT’S PRIVATE, I do not have to share information with anyone, and I can say that appropriately, even to adults.
S = SHARE SOMETHING about my adoption story, but I can think carefully about what I want to let others know.
E = EDUCATE OTHERS about adoption in general, for example, I can talk about how adoption works today, successful adoptees, inaccurate information in the media, etc. I know a lot about it.

No one says privacy = shame, but it is rather odd that a transracial adoptive family would be shocked and freaked out by a question like "did you adopt?" or "where is your daughter from?" Sure, there are moments that you just dont' want to talk about it but the OP really seemed to have deeper issues.

[Anonymous]

it is rather odd that a trans racial adoptive family would be shocked and freaked out by a question like "did you adopt?" or "where is your daughter from?" Sure, there are moments that you just dont' want to talk about it but the OP really seemed to have deeper issues.

It is not so "odd". I know I misunderestimated the number of intrusive rude people walking around. It can be overwhelming, many APs who have bio children after adopting interracial say they suddenly feel "invisible" when they are out alone with just their bio child. Invisible because they had gotten used to constant glare of attention when out with the adopted child. Now if an adult can feel that intense scrutiny imagine a child. I think it is better to shield or deflect alot of that unwanted attention away from your child... but if you want to burden them using their lives to teach strangers about adoption...well, it is a free world (at least for the moment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

it is rather odd that a trans racial adoptive family would be shocked and freaked out by a question like "did you adopt?" or "where is your daughter from?" Sure, there are moments that you just dont' want to talk about it but the OP really seemed to have deeper issues.

It is not so "odd". I know I misunderestimated the number of intrusive rude people walking around. It can be overwhelming, many APs who have bio children after adopting interracial say they suddenly feel "invisible" when they are out alone with just their bio child. Invisible because they had gotten used to constant glare of attention when out with the adopted child. Now if an adult can feel that intense scrutiny imagine a child. I think it is better to shield or deflect alot of that unwanted attention away from your child... but if you want to burden them using their lives to teach strangers about adoption...well, it is a free world (at least for the moment

I feel sorry for this poster and the OP for that matter. We are a same-sex couple with a transracially adopted child in Arlington and we rarely get questions, let alone "intense scrutiny" or "constant glare of attention." There are lots of adoptive families in Arlington, many of them transracial. Adoption here is just another way that people form families.

I don't know the posters who feel overwhelmed but a lot of it really may be their own attitude and insecurity. I don't know where these people live but in many years as an adoptive parent (and a same sex couple family on top of it), it's been very rare for us to get intrusive questions. Curiosity, yes. Basic questions, yes. Rude questions (why didn't you adopt X way?, why didn't DC's birthfamily want her? etc etc) extremely rarely. We certainly don't feel everyone staring at us. Seriously, unless these posters are the only adoptive family for miles around and unless their child is the only person of color for miles around (hope that's not the case for the child's sake...and it's hard to imagine either scenario being true if they live in the DC area), I'd suggest that people who adopt transracially and then complain about the intrusiveness either 1) have a lot of unresolved adoption/fertility issues; and/or 2) really did not think about what it means to become a transracial family -- for the sake of their children, I hope they start doing some soul-searching.

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for this poster and the OP for that matter. We are a same-sex couple with a transracially adopted child in Arlington and we rarely get questions, let alone "intense scrutiny" or "constant glare of attention." There are lots of adoptive families in Arlington, many of them transracial. Adoption here is just another way that people form families.

I don't know the posters who feel overwhelmed but a lot of it really may be their own attitude and insecurity. I don't know where these people live but in many years as an adoptive parent (and a same sex couple family on top of it), it's been very rare for us to get intrusive questions. Curiosity, yes. Basic questions, yes. Rude questions (why didn't you adopt X way?, why didn't DC's birthfamily want her? etc etc) extremely rarely. We certainly don't feel everyone staring at us. Seriously, unless these posters are the only adoptive family for miles around and unless their child is the only person of color for miles around (hope that's not the case for the child's sake...and it's hard to imagine either scenario being true if they live in the DC area), I'd suggest that people who adopt transracially and then complain about the intrusiveness either 1) have a lot of unresolved adoption/fertility issues; and/or 2) really did not think about what it means to become a transracial family -- for the sake of their children, I hope they start doing some soul-searching.

Really??? Whatever, it sounds like you are the insecure one who seeks validation for your family in random passerby-ers. Anyway, I am tired of playing the "Someone is wrong on the internet" game.