Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption

[Anonymous]

We have a child whom we adopted from China. It seems like whenever we as a family, meet someone new and engage in a conversation, one of the first questions/comments when our daughter is somewhere else is "is she adopted? is she from China? how old was she when you adopted her? etc. We understand people being curious, but her adoption status is not something we want to discuss. There are so many other things about her and things in general we would love to talk about. (as an aside, why do people think it is quite alright to grill a new acquaintance about their child's beginnings?).

We're looking for things to say that veers away from the questions and helpe make sure such personal questions aren't asked again (unless we bring them up) but we don't want to alienate our new acquaintenances.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why you would want to change the subject. As a mom of adopted kids of other races than us parents, it's obvious that our family has an interesting and amazing story about how we came together. And, you can't avoid it because, well, when you adopt a child of another race, they look different than you do. It's just part of who you all are. I'm sure that your adoption story is one of love, commitment, travel to places most of your friends and acquaintances will never see or experience, paperwork that drove you nuts, etc.

Just another thought. Even if you figure out how to change the subject, your daughter is still going to have to figure out how to answer these questions on her own because she will surely face them from her classmates in school. It's just the reality of interracial adoptions.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Maybe embrace the story? It's hers, it's yours. Where, she was xx months or years old, we're thrilled. That's it, right? Is there any reason not to be open about these basics? If you daughter hears you, she might think you're hiding something.

[Anonymous]

OP here - because being adopted isn't in her mind the most important initial or "defining" thing someone should know about her and we believe it's her story to tell or not more than ours and her decision on if or when she wants to share any part of it to anyone we've just met. The best gift we can give her (in this situation) is the tools to determine if or when or how to share something personal. Adoption seems like an oddity/curiousity to some and that's not who she is, especially at an age when she just wants to be like everyone else. Just because someone wants to start a discussion about it doesn't mean she (or we) need to go along with it. There are a hundred other things we would like to share about our DD. We're looking for ways to move away from personal questions.

[Anonymous]

Just keep changing the subject. Act like you didn't even hear the questions. Eventually they will give up. I completely agree that this is annoying and you don't have to engage in these discussions with everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - because being adopted isn't in her mind the most important initial or "defining" thing someone should know about her and we believe it's her story to tell or not more than ours and her decision on if or when she wants to share any part of it to anyone we've just met. The best gift we can give her (in this situation) is the tools to determine if or when or how to share something personal. Adoption seems like an oddity/curiousity to some and that's not who she is, especially at an age when she just wants to be like everyone else. Just because someone wants to start a discussion about it doesn't mean she (or we) need to go along with it. There are a hundred other things we would like to share about our DD. We're looking for ways to move away from personal questions.

NP here. OP, I 100% agree with what you said. I have an adopted daughter too (Korean) but I'm also Korean so despite the fact that my white husband has been asked a few times if she was adopted, no one has ever asked just me that, or asked that to us when we're together as a family. I wish I could give you some suggestions (I think about this a lot) but have never really found anything that satisfies me (I can think of a ton of snarky things though )

BUT, I was also adopted to white parents and as an adoptee, I want to say thank you for guarding your daughter's privacy. I was adopted in the 70s and transracial adoptions were rare and this new oddity, as you put it. My parents were asked a ton of questions and while they could honestly say they knew nothing of my background, it always bothered me that they felt so free to discuss my personal history. I know my mom was excited and proud but I felt slightly violated.

Anyway, each child is different and will react differently to these issues. As an adoptee and an adoptive parent, I agree that we should provide the tools for them to determine if/how/when they share their own story.

[Anonymous]

Adoptee/adoptive parent here again.

Forgot to add that we also have a child by birth and you can tell that he's mixed and she's 100% Korean. People have commented on how much more Asian she looks than he, but no one has ever deduced that she was adopted.

Also, this brings up a question I've been thinking about for a long time. For those of us who have "different" situations (children with special needs, adopted children, gay/lesbian families, etc- anything that's not the "typical" family), what sort of burden/responsibility do we have to be ambassadors for our families? Is it our responsibility to educate the people we meet about adoption? Autism? Or do we enjoy the same right to privacy that typical families have?

[Anonymous]

When someone asks me a question that I find rude or intrusive or I just don't want to answer I say: "Why do you ask?". It usually makes them stop and think. At the very least it shows that you aren't totally open to discuss.

[Anonymous]

PP 23:00 here. I'm divorced, shared custody, my child was a toddler when we split, and people asked me questions about our situation all the time, and it first it really bothered me, for the same reasons these questions about your daughter bother you, but I decided to be open about it (though not getting into details about how difficult my ex can be!). It is who we are, and to me not responding to questions that seemed to be coming from a good place might unnecessarily stigmatize the situation. Also, your daughter is too young to have a voice in this. She may be fine with your sharing her story! Adoption stories are always so beautiful to me. I never ask parents about a child who looks to be adopted, but I am curious.

As for tools of deflecting these questions, I don't know. Have you posted this on a listserv for adoptive parents?

Also this will end when your daughter is older.

[Anonymous]

People ask all sorts of questions when something is different. And although you say its her story to tell or not, its actually not. Its obvious that she is adopted, so its not like she can hide it. Also, she doesn't know the story - you do.

[Anonymous]

It is really none of their business. I like the response, why do you ask? If the response is, I am considering adoption and I was looking for insight into the process, etc, I would then respond based on that. However, if they are just being a nosey body, I would not respond. It is none of their business. It is your child's story to tell, and only if your child wants to tell

Although she cannot speak for all adoptees, I think the adoptee on this thread can speak on behalf of how many adopted children would feel when their parents are spreading their origins with strangers, friends and even some family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People ask all sorts of questions when something is different. And although you say its her story to tell or not, its actually not. Its obvious that she is adopted, so its not like she can hide it. Also, she doesn't know the story - you do.

I disagree. Depending upon the age of adoption, the DC would no their story better than the AP. Many dossiers are false or incomplete at best.

[Anonymous]

Why not just say with a polite smile, "Oh, that's pretty personal" and then immediately follow up with a pleasant question or comment that changes the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People ask all sorts of questions when something is different. And although you say its her story to tell or not, its actually not. Its obvious that she is adopted, so its not like she can hide it. Also, she doesn't know the story - you do.

My child looks exactly like me. It is a striking resemblance. Random people do not feel it is polite to say to me, "we are trying to conceive and it's just not working. She is obviously your daughter. Can I ask what position you and DH used when you had sex? Did you use in vitro? What time of the month did you have sex? How painful was the birth?" Do you see where I am going with this? If you see someone in a wheelchair, do you feel it is ok to ask them why just because it is obvious and you are curious? When you see gay couples, do you ask about their sex life? People need to mind their own business. Adoptees are not public property.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - because being adopted isn't in her mind the most important initial or "defining" thing someone should know about her and we believe it's her story to tell or not more than ours and her decision on if or when she wants to share any part of it to anyone we've just met. The best gift we can give her (in this situation) is the tools to determine if or when or how to share something personal. Adoption seems like an oddity/curiousity to some and that's not who she is, especially at an age when she just wants to be like everyone else. Just because someone wants to start a discussion about it doesn't mean she (or we) need to go along with it. There are a hundred other things we would like to share about our DD. We're looking for ways to move away from personal questions.

Once she learns how to address and move on easily, she'll be free of the burden. Hitting the right tone of briskly moving past this bit of information is useful. I mean, you put her in a situation where she's going to be facing questions about her origins for a while, if not always. In teaching her to avoid sharing "personal" information, be careful that she doesn't pick up the idea that there's something shameful about how she came to join the family.

"I came to my parent's the same way you did: They wanted a baby to love."
"I was born in China, my sister was born in New Jersey."

Being like everyone else is boring. She's more interesting. I'm sure you also find her special in other ways as well. A line that acknowledges adoption, but effectively shuts down further conversation is necessary. I faced this sort of situation as a mixed-race child in the early 70s. Avoiding the obvious (and often ill-phrased!) questions ("What are you?") would have left me feeling trapped. Instead, my folks wrapped my difference in pride and gave me the tools to appropriately address (confront?) the curiosity of others. Looking back, it made me feel empowered. I was never at a loss. I've seen other children cringe or get embarrassed.

You're in a position to spare her all of this.