Need ideas on how to quickly change the subject from adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel sorry for this poster and the OP for that matter. We are a same-sex couple with a transracially adopted child in Arlington and we rarely get questions, let alone "intense scrutiny" or "constant glare of attention." There are lots of adoptive families in Arlington, many of them transracial. Adoption here is just another way that people form families.

I don't know the posters who feel overwhelmed but a lot of it really may be their own attitude and insecurity. I don't know where these people live but in many years as an adoptive parent (and a same sex couple family on top of it), it's been very rare for us to get intrusive questions. Curiosity, yes. Basic questions, yes. Rude questions (why didn't you adopt X way?, why didn't DC's birthfamily want her? etc etc) extremely rarely. We certainly don't feel everyone staring at us. Seriously, unless these posters are the only adoptive family for miles around and unless their child is the only person of color for miles around (hope that's not the case for the child's sake...and it's hard to imagine either scenario being true if they live in the DC area), I'd suggest that people who adopt transracially and then complain about the intrusiveness either 1) have a lot of unresolved adoption/fertility issues; and/or 2) really did not think about what it means to become a transracial family -- for the sake of their children, I hope they start doing some soul-searching.

Really??? Whatever, it sounds like you are the insecure one who seeks validation for your family in random passerby-ers. Anyway, I am tired of playing the "Someone is wrong on the internet" game.

Hardly - it's just that when you are a transracial family (and a same-sex couple-headed one in addition), you're visible. No need for validation from anyone, and no fear/hang-ups about dealing with basic questions like "where did you adopt your child from?"

[Anonymous]

Joining this discussion late. We're a transracial adoptive family and I asked DS yesterday (he's 9) what he thinks about this discussion. FWIW, he has no problems with questions like "where is he from?" or "did you adopt/how long did it take?" He understands the difference between curiosity/basic interest/basic conversation and intrusive questions.

[Anonymous]

So far the politest way has been to ask "Why do you ask?" that usually stops people dead in their tracks and they start backing off and babbling.

I'm a new poster here, and I have a child conceived from donor egg w/ husband's sperm, so I don't have the up front lesbian couple / different races issue but I do get a lot of intrusive questions - some of which DD is not ready for. And while not at all shameful, I need to protect our privacy (all of us, not just DD's). I say, "What can I help you with?" or "How can our journey help you?" and in a very polite way. I want DD to feel the love in the lengths we took, but not the burden - and I don't want anyone intruding or asking nasty questions (seriously, graphic questions are common). And I have found that people would rather share their story then hear about mine anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

So far the politest way has been to ask "Why do you ask?" that usually stops people dead in their tracks and they start backing off and babbling.

I'm a new poster here, and I have a child conceived from donor egg w/ husband's sperm, so I don't have the up front lesbian couple / different races issue but I do get a lot of intrusive questions - some of which DD is not ready for. And while not at all shameful, I need to protect our privacy (all of us, not just DD's). I say, "What can I help you with?" or "How can our journey help you?" and in a very polite way. I want DD to feel the love in the lengths we took, but not the burden - and I don't want anyone intruding or asking nasty questions (seriously, graphic questions are common). And I have found that people would rather share their story then hear about mine anyway.

I am probably being dense here, but if there is nothing obvious blinking out that your child is from a donor egg, how do people even know to ask graphic, intrusive questions?

[Anonymous]

I am probably being dense here, but if there is nothing obvious blinking out that your child is from a donor egg, how do people even know to ask graphic, intrusive questions?

Not PP: But this points out the perils of telling the story... you can not put it back in the bag.

[Anonymous]

I'm the PP w/ the DS from donor egg. People ask graphic intrusive questions about infertility. I don't really think, hear this gently, that some people need an excuse to ask instrusive questions. They just start: when are you having another? aren't you old for a first child? you've been married a long time w/o kids. And then: cost?, shots?, where?, etc. And some do look at DS and say "he looks nothing like you! how can that be?" and I don't say, oh donor egg, but I do say "looks just like DH!". I don't think people know to ask, as they are the ones who don't to not ask.

[Anonymous]

I don't think people know to ask, as they are the ones who don't to not ask.

I don't think people know to ask, as they are the ones who don't know they should not ask.
Meaning those intrusive people don't need an excuse. They lack a filter.

[Anonymous]

OP personally I'm not sure why you wouldn't answer. She's your daughter and it's a part of her history and you don't want to make it seem as though you're ashamed of it. You also can be the one to model how to respond and how to feel about those types of questions. You don't want her to be embarrassed or ashamed of her adoption - you want her to embrace it as a part of who she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a child whom we adopted from China. It seems like whenever we as a family, meet someone new and engage in a conversation, one of the first questions/comments when our daughter is somewhere else is "is she adopted? is she from China? how old was she when you adopted her? etc. We understand people being curious, but her adoption status is not something we want to discuss. There are so many other things about her and things in general we would love to talk about. (as an aside, why do people think it is quite alright to grill a new acquaintance about their child's beginnings?).

We're looking for things to say that veers away from the questions and helpe make sure such personal questions aren't asked again (unless we bring them up) but we don't want to alienate our new acquaintenances.

How about, "It's not something we discuss. I, on the other hand, am from [your home state] and I'm happy to tell you all about it."

[Anonymous]

How about I say:
Was your kid a black market baby? How much did you pay for it?
The family in Massachusetts has been ordered to give back their black market baby. They paid a lot for it.
The judge who authorized the adoption has been arrested and the birth mother has been fighting to get her back for years.

[Anonymous]

Say "Oh are you interested in adoption? Call ____ and they can fill you in on the adoption process and what you can and cannot do as well as ask questions" "Good Luck" "Bye"

[Anonymous]

OP- We adopted our DD from Korea; we're caucasian. She's now 5. We live in a diverse neighborhood in NYC where there are all kinds of people and families. I don't know why, but I get asked all these kinds of quesitons on a daily basis. I'm not exaggerating. I'm amazed by all the posters who never get asked. We're living a very different experience.

How I respond depends on many factors, so it varies. Sometimes I'm warm, friendly and open about it (always, of course, only to a degree that I feel respects my DD). Sometimes I'm polite and factual (Yes. 5 months. No. Korea. Yes we do know some information. No, we're the lucky ones.) Sometimes I'm rude but factual (Is she Chinese? no. Does she look like her daddy? no. Is she mine? Yes. Eye roll.) Sometimes I ignore the asker altogether (like the crazy lady on the subway). I'm just trying to help my DD understand that like many things, she has choices and different circumstances call for different responses.

When I really need to end the conversation, which is happening more and more because my DD is getting older, I usually say something like, "OK. Thanks. Have a good day", and turn back to my food or my husband or my grocery cart or whatever. Or I often just say. as silly as this may sound, "Isn't it nice out today?" or "Doesn't this place have great pizza?" even though it doesn't fit into the conversation at all. I'm always surprised by the people who come back to our table over and over again in the course of one meal. To them, I simply stop talking. I just smile, nod, and turn away. At this point, I try hard to never seem exasperated or frustrated about this particular thing in front of my DD.

I love her. I'm proud of her. I want her to not care about all of this. Or maybe I want her to care about it if that's what she wants. I just want her to grow up happy. I know that she is a child who has many facets and I feel bad for her that this one, about which she had no choice or knowledge of at the time these decisions were made, is brought up to her in a very public way all the time. She doesn't seem to mind right now, but how will I know what she is really thinking or feeling? Or what she thinks when someone asks for the 5th time this week if I'm her real mom? It's complicated and I appreciate you posting your questions in the first place so we can discuss it as a caring, thoughtful community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- We adopted our DD from Korea; we're caucasian. She's now 5. We live in a diverse neighborhood in NYC where there are all kinds of people and families. I don't know why, but I get asked all these kinds of quesitons on a daily basis. I'm not exaggerating. I'm amazed by all the posters who never get asked. We're living a very different experience.

How I respond depends on many factors, so it varies. Sometimes I'm warm, friendly and open about it (always, of course, only to a degree that I feel respects my DD). Sometimes I'm polite and factual (Yes. 5 months. No. Korea. Yes we do know some information. No, we're the lucky ones.) Sometimes I'm rude but factual (Is she Chinese? no. Does she look like her daddy? no. Is she mine? Yes. Eye roll.) Sometimes I ignore the asker altogether (like the crazy lady on the subway). I'm just trying to help my DD understand that like many things, she has choices and different circumstances call for different responses.

When I really need to end the conversation, which is happening more and more because my DD is getting older, I usually say something like, "OK. Thanks. Have a good day", and turn back to my food or my husband or my grocery cart or whatever. Or I often just say. as silly as this may sound, "Isn't it nice out today?" or "Doesn't this place have great pizza?" even though it doesn't fit into the conversation at all. I'm always surprised by the people who come back to our table over and over again in the course of one meal. To them, I simply stop talking. I just smile, nod, and turn away. At this point, I try hard to never seem exasperated or frustrated about this particular thing in front of my DD.

I love her. I'm proud of her. I want her to not care about all of this. Or maybe I want her to care about it if that's what she wants. I just want her to grow up happy. I know that she is a child who has many facets and I feel bad for her that this one, about which she had no choice or knowledge of at the time these decisions were made, is brought up to her in a very public way all the time. She doesn't seem to mind right now, but how will I know what she is really thinking or feeling? Or what she thinks when someone asks for the 5th time this week if I'm her real mom? It's complicated and I appreciate you posting your questions in the first place so we can discuss it as a caring, thoughtful community.

I'm one of the posters who rarely gets asked and I think this response was pretty close to gold standard. This parent (unlike the OP) doesn't view the topic as somehow shameful and she models appropriate responses for her daughter, based on who's doing the asking and what the specific topic is (being from Korea is not a big deal, asking questions about birthfamily is rather rude/intrusive). Your daughter is taking all this in and you're teaching her how to answer on her own, and decide what she wants to share. I'm sorry for anyone who gets asked "are you her real mom? (but there are lots of humorous ways to answer this).

[Anonymous]

I dont like to bring up the subject either, im adopted and 15. i never have and still dont. the people who do ask, its like asking us: how old were you when you had your baby, or when did you have s. E. x to have the baby in the first place.
-most of my friends dont know im adopted, because i dont really know how they will react, only a exclusive amount of people know im adopted. i have brung the subject up like i came to the US when i was 18months, or i have lived in china but was too young to speak to learn any of it. so i get what your saying.

-my advice is that you should say, i wouldnt like to discuss this whith you. or say
i dont want to talk about this topic right now. then that wont be like shutup i dont want to talk to you about this.
hope this helps

[Anonymous]

I am always amazed at the number of people who think that curiosity is an entitlement to know. I am a single mother by choice. If people ask inappropriate questions about my child's origins, I just keep repeating that I'm a single parent. The people who don't take the hint, I just drop. They just seem like too much work.