Restaurant Checks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you know it's an issue, on her bday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, whenever you should offer to pay. You are not married and she wants to be romanced. There is nothing wrong with that. You could ask her what the root of her concern is. It might be worth the convo. I expect she is over the limitation of your income and doesn't want to finance you any more.

I always pay 100% for these except once when there were two VD meals and I put one on the joint card. VD day is for both partners, amirite? And where did I reveal our sexes?

LOL you didn’t reveal your sexes but any man who earned more than his partner and expected to be treated all the time would be kicked to the curb immediately, so it was obvious. I’m a woman and I’d kick her to the curb too but I’ve always believed in equality

To be fair, my partner certainly doesn’t want/expect to be treated all the time; they just are clearly not loving/respecting the 50/50 imposed by the joint card. BTW, my partner is half a decade older than me and has inherited a lot of money, something that will happen to me too but on a different schedule because of the age difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

For instance, their large property is manicured by gardeners who come weekly; I mow my own grass and DIY the gardening/pruning/cleanups on my larger property. They think they sharpen their pencil and are thrifty (much of the time they are), but they can and do spend more lavishly than I do when they feel like it and think that I am just being cheap in regards to grabbing restaurant checks.

Is it ok for them to just think this and you live with them thinking this, and continue to pay out of the joint account and let them be annoyed you're not treating them? I know it sounds bad, but it's the opposite end of the spectrum of them agreeing to have this joint account for this and then making you nervous/anxious about paying anyway and them being able to live with the fact that you feel that way.

I feel like this is a good point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else find this joint entertainment account weird? I mean, it's not a horrible idea or anything, but I have never heard of anyone doing this.

So I want to know how this came about. Was there tension over who was paying for dates?

OP here. This should answer a number of questions. The joint entertainment account arose because the previous arrangement — my partner occasionally picking up checks — was clearly creating tension — are they going to pick up this check? So I advocated the joint approach: since we’re together forever, why shouldn't picking up restaurant checks be the same as married couples with one-pot finances — it matters not whose card is used to pay the bill.

But my partner, while seeing the (irrefutable) logic of this, was not a fan I think. They were in a mindset of wanting to be taken out for dinner.

Is this part of a larger pattern or is this literally their only issue in which they are like this?

Also, how expensive are their tastes and how often do you eat out? What kind of expectations does this person have? Do they make up bill splitting elsewhere?

If this is their one weird quirk and it's not terribly expensive, I'd roll with it.

If their expectations are very expensive or this is part of a larger pattern of them not contributing equally, I'd reconsider this relationship.

My partner has been very generous — my life has received a definite upgrade thanks to what they bring to the table. This upgrade brought my lifestyle up to theirs. But they can easily afford this lifestyle.

For instance, their large property is manicured by gardeners who come weekly; I mow my own grass and DIY the gardening/pruning/cleanups on my larger property. They think they sharpen their pencil and are thrifty (much of the time they are), but they can and do spend more lavishly than I do when they feel like it and think that I am just being cheap in regards to grabbing restaurant checks.

My love language is acts of service — I love to feed people, fix broken machines, DIY car maintenance, etc. etc. They normally treasure this, and it saves them thousands off dollars and hundreds of hours, but I think they would give it all up if it meant I could have the same spending horsepower that they have.

Okay so it sounds like your partner has spent a lot on you and wants you to reciprocate on this?

I dunno sounds like that might be reasonable if they're funding you in other ways. Especially if the eating out is less than what they spent on you. They don't want to feel like they're always giving monetarily and even with the other stuff, it seems reasonable.

OP here. I’m sure they think they’re being reasonable and generous. A lot of their generosity involves using travel points that they get as a business owner buying with a rewards card, whereas I always have to pony up cash. But I don’t understand why they can’t embrace the idea that they have a lot more income/wealth than I do and that I need to use our joint account for entertainment to avoid spending beyond my means. Married couples don’t normally have this tension, despite huge earning disparities between spouses, and we are going to be together forever, so why are we stuck in this bind? I think it’s just become an ick factor for them, and they need to get over it if we are going to stay happy together.

Lol.

You are wrong on this, OP. People get divorced over this. All the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you know it's an issue, on her bday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, whenever you should offer to pay. You are not married and she wants to be romanced. There is nothing wrong with that. You could ask her what the root of her concern is. It might be worth the convo. I expect she is over the limitation of your income and doesn't want to finance you any more.

I always pay 100% for these except once when there were two VD meals and I put one on the joint card. VD day is for both partners, amirite? And where did I reveal our sexes?

"Sexes" shouldn't matter, but the truth is that many of us grew up with (admittedly wrong) gender expectations that are hard to shake. And the man paying for dinners out is one of them. I'm not saying it's right -- I'm saying that sometimes it is there and almost impossible to outthink. I think this is where assumptions are coming into play here, given that you have said your partner wants you to be paying for the fancy dinners. It's an assumption of course, and may be incorrect. You might not even be different sexes, of course. But gender expectations can fuel the exact problem that you are having.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you know it's an issue, on her bday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, whenever you should offer to pay. You are not married and she wants to be romanced. There is nothing wrong with that. You could ask her what the root of her concern is. It might be worth the convo. I expect she is over the limitation of your income and doesn't want to finance you any more.

I always pay 100% for these except once when there were two VD meals and I put one on the joint card. VD day is for both partners, amirite? And where did I reveal our sexes?

LOL you didn’t reveal your sexes but any man who earned more than his partner and expected to be treated all the time would be kicked to the curb immediately, so it was obvious. I’m a woman and I’d kick her to the curb too but I’ve always believed in equality

To be fair, my partner certainly doesn’t want/expect to be treated all the time; they just are clearly not loving/respecting the 50/50 imposed by the joint card. BTW, my partner is half a decade older than me and has inherited a lot of money, something that will happen to me too but on a different schedule because of the age difference.

This is 5 years ... which really isn't that much once you are out of your 20s.

[Anonymous]

Does you paying but it coming out of the jaunt account not allow your partner the plausible deniability to feel “treated” when you pay? I thought that’s what it was for. So if you say, “it’s coming out of the joint account, will you just pay while I’m in the bathroom?” that definitely doesn’t feel like being treated. But if you always reach for the check does it still not count because they know it’s coming from the joint funds?

I think you need to have a convo at a time when you are not out to dinner to see what the issue is and to make your case that you can’t afford to “treat” for all meals out. You can point out ways you “treat” with your labor, and ask if they can see that and adjust their expectations. But ultimately, if it’s a difference in values about how much money is ok to spend, then there may not be a solution.

[Anonymous]

OP, make is clear these "flair-ups" could end the relationship

Honestly, you need to be very clear. This is causing you resentment. Resentment is a relationship killer. If would be disrespectful for him to continue, knowing it bothers you.

Don't get into any debate with him about this. This needs no discussion. Are you entitled to a preference. You have one. Make it known.

[Anonymous]

I think you should quit saying how happy you both are and how this relationship is "forever". It sounds like you are both having resentment about this issue for opposite reasons.

I'd like to know how the joint account is funded. Do you each put in $1000? Or does your partner put in $1500 and you put in $500 because they earn 3x your income? It seems like just funding the account is going to lead to the issues you're trying to avoid.

Your partner wants you to spend beyond your budget because they want to enjoy entertainment equivalent to their income. Just going to Bob's Bar & Grill instead of the fancy steakhouse isn't going to solve this issue. They want the upscale dinner and it sounds like they want you to pay for it all.

Probably because they have tallied up the value of hotel and travel expenses that they are covering from points and other perks. And they probably push for the $1000/night hotel when you might have chosen the $200/night option. So even if you pay half, you are still straining your budget.

I don't think they "love" you enough to want to carry you, in order for you to join them in their more expensive lifestyle. If you are paying half and sometimes all, they don't have to face the fact that your wealth class is a notch or two below them.

And they aren't looking at your income/expenses spreadsheet to see how much this is stretching you thin.

You are dating for now and with kids (even adult kids) on both sides, getting married would be a mess financially.

I'd bet if they were writing about this issue, they wouldn't be saying they know that you two are going to be together forever.

Something is going to break soon - either you say you've reached your financial limit and can't pay for more. Or they are going to be resentful that they are putting so much more cash into a dating relationship where they have nice tastes and an expectation that you should share the entertainment expenses equally, or even that you pay a little more because they have *reasons*.

Have that talk now, even if it means they decide they can find a future partner that can equal them in affording travel & dining expenses.

[Anonymous]

Don’t marry this prima Donna.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t marry this prima Donna.

I don't think the partner is a prima Donna if they're paying OP's way through vacations and other expenses. They just want some fair play.

OP admits their lifestyle is significantly nicer because of this person's income. Are they willing to give that up?

[Anonymous]

OP here: my partner was raised on perhaps the largest estate on the most prominent point of the richest island in the USA. But they say they are by no means to the manor born. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on. If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them. If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.

We both have kids and no intention or need to leave money/assets to each other or each other’s kids. We don’t need a joint budget for everything; we maintain separate households. We just need to solve our T&E budget/funding.

I think it upsets my partner and makes them feel bad about themself whenever they find themselves wishing I could 100% keep up with them. Because no two people are exact equals in this regard, and married people don’t struggle this way.

[ArlingtonMom22]

My late husband and I had joint everything so I totally get the adjustment. When I started dating again the money stuff was honestly the most awkward part. What worked for us was kind of a loose system where whoever picked the restaurant paid, and the other person would get the next one. It wasn't perfectly equal but it took the weirdness out of it. For the really fancy places we'd just split it. I think the key is having one calm conversation about it when you're NOT at a restaurant and nobody's feelings are raw. Once you agree on a system it gets way easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: my partner was raised on perhaps the largest estate on the most prominent point of the richest island in the USA. But they say they are by no means to the manor born. Go figure.

So you are definitely a man and she’s the woman. You mentioning your love language being taking care of the repairs and cars also reveals you are a man.

Why are you dating the heiress ? Date a fellow teacher take her to McDonalds and be happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t marry this prima Donna.

I don't think the partner is a prima Donna if they're paying OP's way through vacations and other expenses. They just want some fair play.

OP admits their lifestyle is significantly nicer because of this person's income. Are they willing to give that up?

He’s taking her using her travel points as granted. As if there is no monetary value while in fact some points are worth a lot. I’m a long term member of homeexchange - each point can be $1.5-2.5 if you convert into nightly cost at comparable properties.
His partner can take her kids and friends to enjoy the lifestyle on these points.

I personally see no value in such a man when she arranges free accommodations he can’t even organize a travel program and restaurants ? WTF

Go get a side gig, dude . Or date nurses or teachers not heiress from Martha Vinyard