Restaurant Checks
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Anonymous
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I am in a long term committed relationship (3 years so far); we love each other very much (as in ‘til death do is part). Each of us are in only our second serious relationship, after tragically losing our spouses of multiple decades.
In our marriages, finances were joint, and it never mattered a whit who paid a restaurant bill, from inexpensive to lavish, because everything was from one pot. Now in this relationship we have separate finances but a joint account to pay for hotels and restaurants. However, my partner, despite significantly out earning me and with a higher net worth, doesn’t like it when an expensive meal goes on the joint card — they want to be treated. This is a source of sporadic tension. I like things to be as fair and equitable as possible. They just like to be treated. Well doesn’t everybody? I’m not sure how to prevent these flair-ups, but consistently picking up big checks for my richer partner is not sustainable. And talking about it is unpleasant and ruins the mood. Has anyone out there successfully navigated this kind of situation? |
Anonymous
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Why would you even head to an expensive restaurant and ruing it all? You two seem tired of one another if spending money is the way to go.
I'd never leave the bed if the love of my life was in my house. |
Anonymous
Then, there is no point to having this joint account and you should withdraw your money and take your name off it. |
Anonymous
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It seems weird to me that you would literally have a joint account, solely for this purpose, and then one of you would insist on the bill being paid in some other way.
Except if it's a birthday or something? Were you trying to pay for a special occasion for them out of the joint pot? |
Anonymous
| So what is the purpose of the joint account for restaurants if it cannot be used for restaurants? Why does your partner want to be treated? Yes, everybody would like to be treated. Every day. Forever. |
Anonymous
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Can you agree on funding that account pro-rata your earnings post tax and post obligations to other parties ?
If this is a lifestyle issue (eg the partner considers expensive restaurants a waste) then you shouldn’t be with them at all. This is very hard to overcome |
Anonymous
I agree with all of this. You have a joint account and should use it. If you want to treat for a special occasion that's something else. But unless this was a birthday or something similar, it's a strange expectation. |
Anonymous
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Anyone else find this joint entertainment account weird? I mean, it's not a horrible idea or anything, but I have never heard of anyone doing this.
So I want to know how this came about. Was there tension over who was paying for dates? |
Anonymous
OP here. This should answer a number of questions. The joint entertainment account arose because the previous arrangement — my partner occasionally picking up checks — was clearly creating tension — are they going to pick up this check? So I advocated the joint approach: since we’re together forever, why shouldn't picking up restaurant checks be the same as married couples with one-pot finances — it matters not whose card is used to pay the bill. But my partner, while seeing the (irrefutable) logic of this, was not a fan I think. They were in a mindset of wanting to be taken out for dinner. |
Anonymous
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Your partner is cheap. That’s not working for you. Take it for what it is or End the situation- ship you’re in. |
Anonymous
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I’m guessing your partner is a woman, because if genders were reversed it would be completely absurd (higher earning man wanting to be taken out all the time).
I am a woman, 50s, with higher earnings and NW than my boyfriend. He does well by most standards but I had a high earning career and my ex did well too so I don’t have alimony and I share child support (unlike him), so I’m all around in a better position. I wouldn’t call us LTR yet (a year but still “dating,” haven’t had the talk or anything). But we take turns paying, and I try to get the more expensive ones without making a show of it. I would not be pleased in your shoes. That said, my BF does other stuff to make me feel taken care of and appreciated (like always brings me coffee in bed, helps me with stuff in my house, would carry heavy stuff for me if I needed it, etc). Who pays for dinner or even travel is a total non issue because I can afford it and I want to spend time doing these things with hik with him and he does other things that matter more to me than money. If you are doing those things and sh still expects you to pay just because you’re the man, she doesn’t sound like a catch. |
Anonymous
Is this part of a larger pattern or is this literally their only issue in which they are like this? Also, how expensive are their tastes and how often do you eat out? What kind of expectations does this person have? Do they make up bill splitting elsewhere? If this is their one weird quirk and it's not terribly expensive, I'd roll with it. If their expectations are very expensive or this is part of a larger pattern of them not contributing equally, I'd reconsider this relationship. |
Anonymous
That's exactly it. |
Anonymous
| Stop going to expensive restaurants. Get rid of the joint account. Only agree to go places that are within your budget. |
Anonymous
| The devil is in the detail. You haven't said if the partner is paying for hotels, flights etc. If they are footing larger bills, some women would be not okay paying for a man's meals regardless. It seems the wealthier partner is the woman |