Restaurant Checks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop going to expensive restaurants. Get rid of the joint account. Only agree to go places that are within your budget.

Yeah, but that sounds like part of the problem ... it sounds like it is within "their" budget. But there is tension anyway. Sounds like one person likes spending on entertainment, perhaps more than the average person, and the other person is cheaper than the average person. Not a great situation, even if there is always enough money to pay for it there will still be disagreement over that.

[Anonymous]

Skip expensive restaurants or go to those with your friends instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The devil is in the detail. You haven't said if the partner is paying for hotels, flights etc. If they are footing larger bills, some women would be not okay paying for a man's meals regardless. It seems the wealthier partner is the woman

I was thinking this too, but I'm not sure why I was thinking this? And perhaps they are the cheap one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else find this joint entertainment account weird? I mean, it's not a horrible idea or anything, but I have never heard of anyone doing this.

So I want to know how this came about. Was there tension over who was paying for dates?

OP here. This should answer a number of questions. The joint entertainment account arose because the previous arrangement — my partner occasionally picking up checks — was clearly creating tension — are they going to pick up this check? So I advocated the joint approach: since we’re together forever, why shouldn't picking up restaurant checks be the same as married couples with one-pot finances — it matters not whose card is used to pay the bill.

But my partner, while seeing the (irrefutable) logic of this, was not a fan I think. They were in a mindset of wanting to be taken out for dinner.

Is this part of a larger pattern or is this literally their only issue in which they are like this?

Also, how expensive are their tastes and how often do you eat out? What kind of expectations does this person have? Do they make up bill splitting elsewhere?

If this is their one weird quirk and it's not terribly expensive, I'd roll with it.

If their expectations are very expensive or this is part of a larger pattern of them not contributing equally, I'd reconsider this relationship.

My partner has been very generous — my life has received a definite upgrade thanks to what they bring to the table. This upgrade brought my lifestyle up to theirs. But they can easily afford this lifestyle.

For instance, their large property is manicured by gardeners who come weekly; I mow my own grass and DIY the gardening/pruning/cleanups on my larger property. They think they sharpen their pencil and are thrifty (much of the time they are), but they can and do spend more lavishly than I do when they feel like it and think that I am just being cheap in regards to grabbing restaurant checks.

My love language is acts of service — I love to feed people, fix broken machines, DIY car maintenance, etc. etc. They normally treasure this, and it saves them thousands off dollars and hundreds of hours, but I think they would give it all up if it meant I could have the same spending horsepower that they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Skip expensive restaurants or go to those with your friends instead.

Sounds reasonable ... but my partner (for me, my DH) is the one I want to go out to eat with. (Not OP)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else find this joint entertainment account weird? I mean, it's not a horrible idea or anything, but I have never heard of anyone doing this.

So I want to know how this came about. Was there tension over who was paying for dates?

OP here. This should answer a number of questions. The joint entertainment account arose because the previous arrangement — my partner occasionally picking up checks — was clearly creating tension — are they going to pick up this check? So I advocated the joint approach: since we’re together forever, why shouldn't picking up restaurant checks be the same as married couples with one-pot finances — it matters not whose card is used to pay the bill.

But my partner, while seeing the (irrefutable) logic of this, was not a fan I think. They were in a mindset of wanting to be taken out for dinner.

Is this part of a larger pattern or is this literally their only issue in which they are like this?

Also, how expensive are their tastes and how often do you eat out? What kind of expectations does this person have? Do they make up bill splitting elsewhere?

If this is their one weird quirk and it's not terribly expensive, I'd roll with it.

If their expectations are very expensive or this is part of a larger pattern of them not contributing equally, I'd reconsider this relationship.

My partner has been very generous — my life has received a definite upgrade thanks to what they bring to the table. This upgrade brought my lifestyle up to theirs. But they can easily afford this lifestyle.

For instance, their large property is manicured by gardeners who come weekly; I mow my own grass and DIY the gardening/pruning/cleanups on my larger property. They think they sharpen their pencil and are thrifty (much of the time they are), but they can and do spend more lavishly than I do when they feel like it and think that I am just being cheap in regards to grabbing restaurant checks.

My love language is acts of service — I love to feed people, fix broken machines, DIY car maintenance, etc. etc. They normally treasure this, and it saves them thousands off dollars and hundreds of hours, but I think they would give it all up if it meant I could have the same spending horsepower that they have.

Okay so it sounds like your partner has spent a lot on you and wants you to reciprocate on this?

I dunno sounds like that might be reasonable if they're funding you in other ways. Especially if the eating out is less than what they spent on you. They don't want to feel like they're always giving monetarily and even with the other stuff, it seems reasonable.

[Anonymous]

For instance, their large property is manicured by gardeners who come weekly; I mow my own grass and DIY the gardening/pruning/cleanups on my larger property. They think they sharpen their pencil and are thrifty (much of the time they are), but they can and do spend more lavishly than I do when they feel like it and think that I am just being cheap in regards to grabbing restaurant checks.

Is it ok for them to just think this and you live with them thinking this, and continue to pay out of the joint account and let them be annoyed you're not treating them? I know it sounds bad, but it's the opposite end of the spectrum of them agreeing to have this joint account for this and then making you nervous/anxious about paying anyway and them being able to live with the fact that you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

I don't know, if I was in your shoes I'd just pay with the card connected to joint account without saying anything. If they complain, you say that this is what it is for. Otherwise it sounds kind of weird to be honest, like what's the point of going to a fancy restaurant and then ruin the evening.

[Anonymous]

Since you know it's an issue, on her bday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, whenever you should offer to pay. You are not married and she wants to be romanced. There is nothing wrong with that. You could ask her what the root of her concern is. It might be worth the convo. I expect she is over the limitation of your income and doesn't want to finance you any more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else find this joint entertainment account weird? I mean, it's not a horrible idea or anything, but I have never heard of anyone doing this.

So I want to know how this came about. Was there tension over who was paying for dates?

OP here. This should answer a number of questions. The joint entertainment account arose because the previous arrangement — my partner occasionally picking up checks — was clearly creating tension — are they going to pick up this check? So I advocated the joint approach: since we’re together forever, why shouldn't picking up restaurant checks be the same as married couples with one-pot finances — it matters not whose card is used to pay the bill.

But my partner, while seeing the (irrefutable) logic of this, was not a fan I think. They were in a mindset of wanting to be taken out for dinner.

Is this part of a larger pattern or is this literally their only issue in which they are like this?

Also, how expensive are their tastes and how often do you eat out? What kind of expectations does this person have? Do they make up bill splitting elsewhere?

If this is their one weird quirk and it's not terribly expensive, I'd roll with it.

If their expectations are very expensive or this is part of a larger pattern of them not contributing equally, I'd reconsider this relationship.

My partner has been very generous — my life has received a definite upgrade thanks to what they bring to the table. This upgrade brought my lifestyle up to theirs. But they can easily afford this lifestyle.

For instance, their large property is manicured by gardeners who come weekly; I mow my own grass and DIY the gardening/pruning/cleanups on my larger property. They think they sharpen their pencil and are thrifty (much of the time they are), but they can and do spend more lavishly than I do when they feel like it and think that I am just being cheap in regards to grabbing restaurant checks.

My love language is acts of service — I love to feed people, fix broken machines, DIY car maintenance, etc. etc. They normally treasure this, and it saves them thousands off dollars and hundreds of hours, but I think they would give it all up if it meant I could have the same spending horsepower that they have.

Okay so it sounds like your partner has spent a lot on you and wants you to reciprocate on this?

I dunno sounds like that might be reasonable if they're funding you in other ways. Especially if the eating out is less than what they spent on you. They don't want to feel like they're always giving monetarily and even with the other stuff, it seems reasonable.

OP here. I’m sure they think they’re being reasonable and generous. A lot of their generosity involves using travel points that they get as a business owner buying with a rewards card, whereas I always have to pony up cash. But I don’t understand why they can’t embrace the idea that they have a lot more income/wealth than I do and that I need to use our joint account for entertainment to avoid spending beyond my means. Married couples don’t normally have this tension, despite huge earning disparities between spouses, and we are going to be together forever, so why are we stuck in this bind? I think it’s just become an ick factor for them, and they need to get over it if we are going to stay happy together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since you know it's an issue, on her bday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, whenever you should offer to pay. You are not married and she wants to be romanced. There is nothing wrong with that. You could ask her what the root of her concern is. It might be worth the convo. I expect she is over the limitation of your income and doesn't want to finance you any more.

I always pay 100% for these except once when there were two VD meals and I put one on the joint card. VD day is for both partners, amirite? And where did I reveal our sexes?

[Anonymous]

Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on. If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them. If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Since you know it's an issue, on her bday, anniversary, Valentine's Day, whenever you should offer to pay. You are not married and she wants to be romanced. There is nothing wrong with that. You could ask her what the root of her concern is. It might be worth the convo. I expect she is over the limitation of your income and doesn't want to finance you any more.

I always pay 100% for these except once when there were two VD meals and I put one on the joint card. VD day is for both partners, amirite? And where did I reveal our sexes?

LOL you didn’t reveal your sexes but any man who earned more than his partner and expected to be treated all the time would be kicked to the curb immediately, so it was obvious. I’m a woman and I’d kick her to the curb too but I’ve always believed in equality

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on. If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them. If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.

We both have kids and no intention or need to leave money/assets to each other or each other’s kids. We don’t need a joint budget for everything; we maintain separate households. We just need to solve our T&E budget/funding.

I think it upsets my partner and makes them feel bad about themself whenever they find themselves wishing I could 100% keep up with them. Because no two people are exact equals in this regard, and married people don’t struggle this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else find this joint entertainment account weird? I mean, it's not a horrible idea or anything, but I have never heard of anyone doing this.

So I want to know how this came about. Was there tension over who was paying for dates?

OP here. This should answer a number of questions. The joint entertainment account arose because the previous arrangement — my partner occasionally picking up checks — was clearly creating tension — are they going to pick up this check? So I advocated the joint approach: since we’re together forever, why shouldn't picking up restaurant checks be the same as married couples with one-pot finances — it matters not whose card is used to pay the bill.

But my partner, while seeing the (irrefutable) logic of this, was not a fan I think. They were in a mindset of wanting to be taken out for dinner.

Is this part of a larger pattern or is this literally their only issue in which they are like this?

Also, how expensive are their tastes and how often do you eat out? What kind of expectations does this person have? Do they make up bill splitting elsewhere?

If this is their one weird quirk and it's not terribly expensive, I'd roll with it.

If their expectations are very expensive or this is part of a larger pattern of them not contributing equally, I'd reconsider this relationship.

My partner has been very generous — my life has received a definite upgrade thanks to what they bring to the table. This upgrade brought my lifestyle up to theirs. But they can easily afford this lifestyle.

For instance, their large property is manicured by gardeners who come weekly; I mow my own grass and DIY the gardening/pruning/cleanups on my larger property. They think they sharpen their pencil and are thrifty (much of the time they are), but they can and do spend more lavishly than I do when they feel like it and think that I am just being cheap in regards to grabbing restaurant checks.

My love language is acts of service — I love to feed people, fix broken machines, DIY car maintenance, etc. etc. They normally treasure this, and it saves them thousands off dollars and hundreds of hours, but I think they would give it all up if it meant I could have the same spending horsepower that they have.

Okay so it sounds like your partner has spent a lot on you and wants you to reciprocate on this?

I dunno sounds like that might be reasonable if they're funding you in other ways. Especially if the eating out is less than what they spent on you. They don't want to feel like they're always giving monetarily and even with the other stuff, it seems reasonable.

OP here. I’m sure they think they’re being reasonable and generous. A lot of their generosity involves using travel points that they get as a business owner buying with a rewards card, whereas I always have to pony up cash. But I don’t understand why they can’t embrace the idea that they have a lot more income/wealth than I do and that I need to use our joint account for entertainment to avoid spending beyond my means. Married couples don’t normally have this tension, despite huge earning disparities between spouses, and we are going to be together forever, so why are we stuck in this bind? I think it’s just become an ick factor for them, and they need to get over it if we are going to stay happy together.

If you can't keep up maybe scale down some of the expenses? If you can't afford to reciprocate then turn down some of the stuff.

You aren't married, you maintain separate households right now.