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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Who is paying for the home?
Is this a financial burden for your family?
How much are we talking about and what’s the differential between what you think she needs (nursing home cost if included, gas to visit, time off work, stuff she buys for your mother, care for kids or pets when she’s with your mother, etc) and what she’s getting?
What do you think is fair compensation for your sibling’s services?

I would err on the side of generosity, but if the differential is too high, then feel free to reduce it a bit, while keeping a “fee for services”. You’re essentially paying her to be the boots on the ground, and that cost is added to the actual costs of care. This is what my father paid for his two sisters to care for their mother: actual costs plus extra for their services. They lived in east Asia and we could not visit often.

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My sister has not been paying for any of my mother's care and won't be paying for the home either.  What she has been offering is her time, and no we have not been compensating her for it.  But, honestly, she's been doing much of it voluntarily so far as I'm concerned.  She just didn't want her in a home, point blank, whereas I would have done it in a heartbeat.

No, this isn't a financial burden for my family. [/quote]

OK. I think what’s missing here is what your mother wanted.

My 90 year old MIL with Parkinson’s has been clear she wants to live at home. She’s got all her marbles but she’s physically frail. Her children have supported her wishes by hiring round the clock aides. Two siblings are local and one acts as boots on the grounds, visiting her often, accompanying her to appointments, checking her meds, supervising the aides, maintaining her home, etc. The money comes from sources that my husband manages (considered family money). Another sibling does her taxes.

The wishes of the elder need to be taken into account, OP. It feels as if you resent your sibling for keeping her in her home for so long, but maybe your mother was happier that way?

Anyway. I get there’s family history and differences of opinions as to her care. Ultimately you should give what you are comfortable with and be prepared to live with the consequences.

[/quote]

Well, for starters, we don't have "family money."  We can't afford "round the clock aides."  Our mother doesn't have the financial resources that your MIL for her "wishes" to trump everything else when it comes to her care.

I don't "resent" my sister for keeping her in her home for so long.  I "resent" my mother for guilting my sister into doing it, and I'm perplexed by my sister's need or at least willingness to do what she has been doing for so long.  Not a single one of the siblings would have done it.  As I said, she isn't even the only local sibling.  My brother has no interest in our mother, doesn't visit at all, but still sends money.  But he only does it because of my sister, not my mother.  If we didn't send money my sister would feel the need to visit twice as much as she does.  But that's a need that SHE feels.  Not me.

We have all been sending the money so my sister can get a break from a burden that she herself has decided to take on.

I'm going to continue to send the money to avoid any conflict with my sister.  Not because I think it benefits my mother in any way.  Nothing will make her "happy."  She was never a happy woman in the first place.    [/quote]

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