Is this divorce hypocritical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is a lot easier to tpit up.with someone's 'quirks' for a weekend or a holiday as a guest in their life than it is to commit to living with those same 'quirks' forever. You like the version of your sister's husband that she fell in love with. If you had to live with him indefinitely and be his support system, you might change your mind too.

Also true

Op is getting the aspie spouse masking in spurts during occasional social gatherings. Thats the total opposite of him masking at work all day, coming home, crashing, disappearing, stonewalling or exploding on his family from 6-9pm bc he can’t handle adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an autistic son and husband. I was the primary parent for my son during his childhood, because my husband could not parent effectively, due to socio-emotional communication deficits. It was hand-on, therapeutic-level parenting from morning til night, with a break during school hours: meaning, I narrated the day, we practiced his PT, OT and speech tasks (because he was behind in so many things), and I retaught what he had missed in school every afternoon. He couldn't do normal things like tie his shoes for a very long time, so I did a lot for him.

And then I had to mediate between them, because my husband couldn't accept that his son had communication deficits as well, and would get irrationally angry. The first 10 years of my son's life were really hard for me, and I felt completely trapped, because I WANTED to divorce... but then I'd be forced to parent with less money and I feared for my son's psychological wellbeing in my husband's custody, with the yelling and punitive parenting.

Now my son has clawed his way to college, thanks to his very hard work, my dedication and lots of tutoring... and my husband is doing much better. Essentially he's gone back to being the person I married 20+ years ago.

So I completely feel for your sister, OP, but I'm not sure divorce is the solution, unless she has support lined up and enough money.

Yeah they opt out for the 20 difficult years of child raising and maintaining a household and house. Then it’s back to easy peasy bachelor dating days. Where the woman is still doing everything but at least the kids are gone and maybe the house is smaller.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

It's legitimate for someone to underestimate the toll of dealing with behavior like this. And just because he's nice to you doesn't mean that he is nice to her. I live that every day.

+1000

[Anonymous]

No, this divorce is not hypocritical.
The marriage was, however.

80% of married men with UNTREATED adhd or asd get divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

It is sort of strange that she married him knowing he was introverted and quirky but expected him to change after marriage and having a son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

It is sort of strange that she married him knowing he was introverted and quirky but expected him to change after marriage and having a son.

No it isn’t. He could more easily pretend to be an adult when he barely had any adult responsibilities.

Throw in a kid, house, wife, both working, two sets of elderly parents and hit his max pretty early and checked out. He can’t handle it; he needs a simple life of just himself, his job and ideally a functional adult to take care of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

It is sort of strange that she married him knowing he was introverted and quirky but expected him to change after marriage and having a son.

Let’s be clear, they are divorcing for many concrete reasons beyond he’s “introverted and quirky.”

OP is either a troll post or dense or clearly not the go-to person for her sister’s marital issues. Which is fine. The sister is taking the high road and publicly still protecting her ASD spouse’s image.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think.

She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky.

The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

There is no clincher here OP. The son has social needs and needs strong proactively parenting to become a functional adult. That’s unlikely to come from a special needs father, in fact there may be undermining.

The women I know who tried to hang on in these lopsided marriages were being emotionally abused and neglected, as were the kids.

Then one day the special needs husband decided to leave and divorce, blaming the wife for not paying him enough love and attention, yet she was forced to do everything and prop him up. He continues to be very needy.

[Anonymous]

* special needs

[Anonymous]

OP is the hypocrite. I wonder why.

[Anonymous]

No

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

It is sort of strange that she married him knowing he was introverted and quirky but expected him to change after marriage and having a son.

It reads like she settled for him just so she could have a child while young knowing that she’d divorce him after. She took advantage of a disabled man.

Now we’re trolling with grease!! Nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is a lot easier to tpit up.with someone's 'quirks' for a weekend or a holiday as a guest in their life than it is to commit to living with those same 'quirks' forever. You like the version of your sister's husband that she fell in love with. If you had to live with him indefinitely and be his support system, you might change your mind too.

Also true

Op is getting the aspie spouse masking in spurts during occasional social gatherings. Thats the total opposite of him masking at work all day, coming home, crashing, disappearing, stonewalling or exploding on his family from 6-9pm bc he can’t handle adult life.

DP. I think my father was probably an aspie. He would disappear into his room every night after dinner, discourage my mom from having people over except for us, make everyone stick to his schedule and standards even when retired, etc. If it wasn't for us, my mother would have been very lonely. It undoubtably led to her being enmeshed with us and dealing poorly with us leaving as young adults. Her resentment built until she was openly hostile to him in their later years. I had two siblings that could have used more support with their undiagnosed special needs but he refused to acknowledge that we were anything less than above average/perfect. I have an adult child with severe nonverbal autism. My DH has always been all-in and that is how our family has survived intact. OP's sister is entirely justified in her decision to divorce to keep her life manageable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think.

She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky.

The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

There is no clincher here OP. The son has social needs and needs strong proactively parenting to become a functional adult. That’s unlikely to come from a special needs father, in fact there may be undermining.

The women I know who tried to hang on in these lopsided marriages were being emotionally abused and neglected, as were the kids.

Then one day the special needs husband decided to leave and divorce, blaming the wife for not paying him enough love and attention, yet she was forced to do everything and prop him up. He continues to be very needy.

+1000

Give your sister a big long hug Op. she probably hasn’t had someone hug her in years. (Besides a baby).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

I agree with a lot of the PPs but I wanted to highlight the bolded because that seems to be where "hypocritical" is coming from.
You're suggesting that if she divorces the BIL, that means she thinks her child is unlovable by others or thinks that her child shouldn't marry. Please internalize that her marital status does not change anything about her kid or her feelings. She loves her kid. She may or may not believe an adult with her kid's condition should marry, and she'll hold that belief (whatever it is) regardless of whether she divorces your BIL. The divorce is not a statement about the worth of the child or her hopes for the child's future.