Is this divorce hypocritical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

No
Very common reason for divorce, mental disorders in parent and child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

[Anonymous]

As someone in a similar scenario as the OP's sister, to the outside world my husband presents as this pleasant but socially awkward quirky genial guy. At home, he's completely checked out and disengaged for most parts and has left everything to me - parenting our kids including the special needs kid who needs so much support, running the household - cooking, cleaning, pets - while we both work. When he isnt checked out, its outbursts or temper tantrums directed at me and our kids. I could plan an outing or a trip, sign up my kid for an activity, have a kid struggle with academics and it all ends up being my fault if something goes wrong simply because I did all the work to get it going while he did zilch.

It is so so isolating and lonely and dispiriting to live like this and to be the sole parent for our kids. To the outside world, it seems like our family has 2 functional adults, that there are 2 actively engaged parents running things but only we at home know what its really like. I am tired and cant wait for the kids to be out the house, not sure if that will happen with my SN kid but I have to wait till they are adults to divorce so that I dont put them through any financial hardships or share custody with a parent who has no clue on how to be a father to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone in a similar scenario as the OP's sister, to the outside world my husband presents as this pleasant but socially awkward quirky genial guy. At home, he's completely checked out and disengaged for most parts and has left everything to me - parenting our kids including the special needs kid who needs so much support, running the household - cooking, cleaning, pets - while we both work. When he isnt checked out, its outbursts or temper tantrums directed at me and our kids. I could plan an outing or a trip, sign up my kid for an activity, have a kid struggle with academics and it all ends up being my fault if something goes wrong simply because I did all the work to get it going while he did zilch.

It is so so isolating and lonely and dispiriting to live like this and to be the sole parent for our kids. To the outside world, it seems like our family has 2 functional adults, that there are 2 actively engaged parents running things but only we at home know what its really like. I am tired and cant wait for the kids to be out the house, not sure if that will happen with my SN kid but I have to wait till they are adults to divorce so that I dont put them through any financial hardships or share custody with a parent who has no clue on how to be a father to them.

💔

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

Nope PP, OP Troll.

That’s all totally incorrect. You keep trying this manufactured angle while pretending to be someone’s sister.

Just stop, you’re making a fool of yourself.

Most neurodivergent kids won’t be thinking of either parent or themselves, just who will feed them, buy them extra stuff, give them screen time, and let them off the hook the most.

And even if there was some huge psych study that stated kids internalize divorce only that way, so what. People are still going to divorce. Being in a krappy, lonely, disrespectful, insane fake marriage will drive everyone off a cliff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

Nope PP, OP Troll.

That’s all totally incorrect. You keep trying this manufactured angle while pretending to be someone’s sister.

Just stop, you’re making a fool of yourself.

Most neurodivergent kids won’t be thinking of either parent or themselves, just who will feed them, buy them extra stuff, give them screen time, and let them off the hook the most.

And even if there was some huge psych study that stated kids internalize divorce only that way, so what. People are still going to divorce. Being in a krappy, lonely, disrespectful, insane fake marriage will drive everyone off a cliff.

Okie doke. If you need to believe your kids love your new boyfriend/husband and can't wait to be part of a blended stepfamily, you go right ahead and believe that. A healthy fantasy life is important for everyone, after all.

[Anonymous]

She's tired of mothering 2 sons. She's willing to mother her child, but now she wants a real relationship with a man who is not also her son.

I think she said it best- she's tired of socializing him. What else do you want?
She doesn't hate him, she probably still loves him
- just not romantically.
Please don't conflate this with her being unaware of her son's behavior. She loves her son like a mother would. This has nothing to do with her spouse. 2 different issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

Nope PP, OP Troll.

That’s all totally incorrect. You keep trying this manufactured angle while pretending to be someone’s sister.

Just stop, you’re making a fool of yourself.

Most neurodivergent kids won’t be thinking of either parent or themselves, just who will feed them, buy them extra stuff, give them screen time, and let them off the hook the most.

And even if there was some huge psych study that stated kids internalize divorce only that way, so what. People are still going to divorce. Being in a krappy, lonely, disrespectful, insane fake marriage will drive everyone off a cliff.

Okie doke. If you need to believe your kids love your new boyfriend/husband and can't wait to be part of a blended stepfamily, you go right ahead and believe that. A healthy fantasy life is important for everyone, after all.

Wrong thread PP!
No remarriage or blended family talk here.

In fact sounds like OP’s divorcing sister has her hands full with an autistic child and a deadbeat Ex.

[Anonymous]

She isnt rejecting her husband because he is autistic but because his autism makes him a poor partner - lack of executive functioning, emotional control , attention deficiency and what have you. Its one thing to support and love your kid with ASD because that's what a good parent would do but another thing to live with that in a spouse. Its not a partnership then, more like dealing with an adult child that you didnt sign up to take care of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people.

Sure. Just don't expect the child to feel the same way. The child will know that he is unworthy himself, just like dad, but that mom didn't kick him out, unlike dad, due to parental obligation. As long as we acknowledge the trade off between mom's happiness and the child's self-esteem, we're in agreement.

[Anonymous]

Well maybe she already has to “socialize” her son and doesn’t want to also have to parent her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people.

Sure. Just don't expect the child to feel the same way. The child will know that he is unworthy himself, just like dad, but that mom didn't kick him out, unlike dad, due to parental obligation. As long as we acknowledge the trade off between mom's happiness and the child's self-esteem, we're in agreement.

Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder from being a child of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people.

Sure. Just don't expect the child to feel the same way. The child will know that he is unworthy himself, just like dad, but that mom didn't kick him out, unlike dad, due to parental obligation. As long as we acknowledge the trade off between mom's happiness and the child's self-esteem, we're in agreement.

DP. I think it's absolutely fine for a kid to understand that his mom did not and will not kick him out, because she's his mother and she loves him - but that a romantic partner might kick him out, if he acts like his dad. There's nothing wrong with this message.

Your framing the divorce as mom being selfish assumes that the dad is a safe, loving, and involved presence for the kid, and that's just not likely to be true. The kid may have no trouble at all understanding the divorce, either right away or as he matures. But even if he is never okay with it, the mom has an obligation as a parent to choose the best living situation for the kid she is raising.