Is this divorce hypocritical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an autistic son and husband. I was the primary parent for my son during his childhood, because my husband could not parent effectively, due to socio-emotional communication deficits. It was hand-on, therapeutic-level parenting from morning til night, with a break during school hours: meaning, I narrated the day, we practiced his PT, OT and speech tasks (because he was behind in so many things), and I retaught what he had missed in school every afternoon. He couldn't do normal things like tie his shoes for a very long time, so I did a lot for him.

And then I had to mediate between them, because my husband couldn't accept that his son had communication deficits as well, and would get irrationally angry. The first 10 years of my son's life were really hard for me, and I felt completely trapped, because I WANTED to divorce... but then I'd be forced to parent with less money and I feared for my son's psychological wellbeing in my husband's custody, with the yelling and punitive parenting.

Now my son has clawed his way to college, thanks to his very hard work, my dedication and lots of tutoring... and my husband is doing much better. Essentially he's gone back to being the person I married 20+ years ago.

So I completely feel for your sister, OP, but I'm not sure divorce is the solution, unless she has support lined up and enough money.

Even if the sister’s husband didn’t have the anger issues that PP above shared, I would bet that sister had a similar experience where she had to intensively parent her son and found that the “quirky” guy she married also required her to essentially parent him. The sister is not rejecting her son. She’s exhausted and sees no end in sight.

OP, why are you so judgmental about your sister?

[Anonymous]

You are not a good person! Is a divorce hypocrytical? One that you aren't involved with? What are you talking about??

[Anonymous]

I have ASD son and parenting him is a full time job. Everything has to be explained. It's exhausting. Things that he should be able to do at his age, he can't. Add to it his anxiety and ADHD and we need a very structured household.

How I feel about my child and my role as a parent is very different than how I feel as a wife and my role as a spouse. My job as a parent is to help my kid become a functioning adult. My role as a spouse is to be a partner with someone. If I have to parent my spouse, it's not working for me.

No matter how many times people share or explain what it's like to be a parent, even to a neurotypical kid, until you're doing it, you really have no idea. A person that is able to manage their own life or even share in the life of 2 capable adults can be reduced to a pile of ineptitude once a kid shows up. Now, not only are you responsible for yourself, you're responsible for someone else and for some people it's just overwhelming. You can't return a kid so you have to figure it out but it's a shock and some people just don't adapt.

What I tolerate from my kid, I would never tolerate from a spouse. I don't think how your sister feels about her husband can be correlated to how she feels about her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an autistic son and husband. I was the primary parent for my son during his childhood, because my husband could not parent effectively, due to socio-emotional communication deficits. It was hand-on, therapeutic-level parenting from morning til night, with a break during school hours: meaning, I narrated the day, we practiced his PT, OT and speech tasks (because he was behind in so many things), and I retaught what he had missed in school every afternoon. He couldn't do normal things like tie his shoes for a very long time, so I did a lot for him.

And then I had to mediate between them, because my husband couldn't accept that his son had communication deficits as well, and would get irrationally angry. The first 10 years of my son's life were really hard for me, and I felt completely trapped, because I WANTED to divorce... but then I'd be forced to parent with less money and I feared for my son's psychological wellbeing in my husband's custody, with the yelling and punitive parenting.

Now my son has clawed his way to college, thanks to his very hard work, my dedication and lots of tutoring... and my husband is doing much better. Essentially he's gone back to being the person I married 20+ years ago.

So I completely feel for your sister, OP, but I'm not sure divorce is the solution, unless she has support lined up and enough money.

This nails it. Your relationship to your ND spouse is very different to your relationship to your ND kid. Your spouse is supposed to be your partner and coparent. You expect more from them, and rightly so. You know when you have kids that you are going to be parenting them -- you don't know when you get married that you will one day be expected to parent your spouse.

Divorcing might enable your sister to be the parent she needs to be for her son without having to parent the full grown adult she married.

Also there is sometimes this weird sibling dynamic that emerges between the ND parent and the ND child in families like this. I cannot tell you how frustrating this dynamic is, where your husband and child are competing with each other for your attention or appealing to you to resolve their conflicts because neither of them (one of whom is a full grown adult) has the skills to work out that conflict on their own. Getting out of that dynamic however you can is important because it will screw up everyone's relationships. It ruins your marriage (no one wants to be their husband's mommy), but is also toxic for their relationship with your kid and can also impact *your* relationship to your kid who will very closely watch how you resolve these conflicts. It's awful all around.

It's very easy to judge someone in this position from the outside. Until you've lived it, you can't understand. You should support your sister, not second guess her choices.

[Anonymous]

She's having an affair.

[Anonymous]

SIL is married to a guy on the spectrum, one of their sons is also autistic and the other one isn't the brightest bulb on the tree, to say the least (which underlines the importance of genetics; before you get married, people, and especially, decide to procreate, think twice about who you're doing it with). Anyway, that household is a madhouse. 24/7 there's constant yelling, constant disagreement, even over what to have for dinner, someone is always upset, those boys are always fighting, their father is completely checked out, and SIL ends up dealing with it all. Well, it doesn't hurt that the dude came with a massive trust fund so they can and do outsource a big chunk of daily household/parenting items..but still. Speaking for myself, I wouldn't survive in that 'happy family' for more than 24 hours - all trust funds and inheritances be damned. So I kinda understand where OP's sister might be coming from.

[Anonymous]

Try to be there for your sister right now. Sounds like a tough time for her and it's really not helpful to have your own family questioning your judgement. She gets one shot at life and if she's really unhappy in this marriage, she can move on from it.

[Anonymous]

Being married is so different than having a child. I don’t fault her for this at all. If you’re close maybe you could tell her to tone down the socialization language but otherwise support her completely. She deserves happiness and it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her son.

[Anonymous]

It IS the job of a parent to prepare their child for life, which includes preparation for engaging socially for others.

It is NOT the job of a spouse to do this for a spouse.

I don't see hypocrisy here at all. I am mystified that you do. Your sister probably deserves better than the judgment you're putting on display in this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to be there for your sister right now. Sounds like a tough time for her and it's really not helpful to have your own family questioning your judgement. She gets one shot at life and if she's really unhappy in this marriage, she can move on from it.

Our extended families have been the biggest disappointment in our autism journey. None of them walked in our shoes but everyone judged and criticized us like they were experts.

[Anonymous]

I have an autistic son and while I love him deeply the crises are so draining and challenging. If my partner were the same way I honestly don’t think I could manage. You are assuming she has the same tolerance and inner resources she had early on but he may be more rigid, her goodwill may have run out, and the intensive daily challenge of parenting a kid with autism may have left her without the extra energy to be her husband’s partner too.

[Anonymous]

It is a lot easier to tpit up.with someone's 'quirks' for a weekend or a holiday as a guest in their life than it is to commit to living with those same 'quirks' forever. You like the version of your sister's husband that she fell in love with. If you had to live with him indefinitely and be his support system, you might change your mind too.

[Anonymous]

Also, even the family members I’m close to really have no idea how hard it is to have an autistic child. I spare them a lot because I don’t want them to be upset by some of the things we’ve been through and also because they are incapable of understanding what it’s really like.

You really don’t know what she’s going through—your question reveals how little you understand about living with people with autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

Read up on living with an Asperger’s spouse and kid. Meanwhile shut up.
Dr Kathy marshack and many websites on AS/NT “relationships” would also get you up to speed.
She is very worried about her son, but hopefully he is getting the professionally help he needs (therapy, exec functioning help, learn back & forth conversations).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

No it’s not hypocritical. Your sister is leaving a difficult marriage with someone very difficult to live with and raise children with.

Your post and thoughts, on the other hand, are terrible. You clearly have never had to spend extended time with not rely on someone with mental disorders.