Is this divorce hypocritical?

[Anonymous]

If the mother is rejecting the father because of Asperger's, why would the son not feel rejected having the same condition?

Even if the mother "accepts" and "loves" the son, he will know it's not what she really wanted and will expect rejection from romantic partners himself on the basis of his Asperger's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the mother is rejecting the father because of Asperger's, why would the son not feel rejected having the same condition?

Even if the mother "accepts" and "loves" the son, he will know it's not what she really wanted and will expect rejection from romantic partners himself on the basis of his Asperger's.

This is a nutty take. You need to think about the ways adult partner relationships are different from parent-child relationships.

The sister is divorcing because of her husband's behavior. Kids with cowlicks don't think their divorced mom hates them because dad also has a cowlick - they are perfectly capable of seeing that the divorce is about the two married people and the way those people behave.

Also, so far as we know, the DH has no diagnosis. OP thinks he's undiagnosed and on the spectrum, and it's pretty common for romantic partners to get fed up with their apparently-ND partners refusing to seek a diagnosis or any help, a situation which is only highlighted by the help she is presumably getting her diagnosed son so that he can develop relationship and life skills. But even if that's the case, the DH's "condition" is not the reason for the divorce. His behavior is. (BTW, nobody is diagnosed with "Asperger's anymore, that is an outdated term.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the mother is rejecting the father because of Asperger's, why would the son not feel rejected having the same condition?

Even if the mother "accepts" and "loves" the son, he will know it's not what she really wanted and will expect rejection from romantic partners himself on the basis of his Asperger's.

I’m sure she’s worried about her son’s future and potential difficulties. Who wouldn’t be (well the aspergers father, that’s who).

The key to mental disorders however, is (a) getting diagnosed, (b) getting tested, (c) accepting your Dx and Rx, and (d) managing your symptoms.

The spouse may not have done any of those four, or be in denial, or believe his IQ or income is what matters, or too whatever to manage his symptoms (pompous, scare, told he a golden child’s toy name it)., whereas the son is on Thea totally different path already: that matters.

And guess what else? A-holes can both have asd and not have asd. They usually ended up divorced as well. So at that point. it doesn’t matter.

[Anonymous]

Meant to write (b) getting treated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the mother is rejecting the father because of Asperger's, why would the son not feel rejected having the same condition?

Even if the mother "accepts" and "loves" the son, he will know it's not what she really wanted and will expect rejection from romantic partners himself on the basis of his Asperger's.

This is a nutty take. You need to think about the ways adult partner relationships are different from parent-child relationships.

The sister is divorcing because of her husband's behavior. Kids with cowlicks don't think their divorced mom hates them because dad also has a cowlick - they are perfectly capable of seeing that the divorce is about the two married people and the way those people behave.

Also, so far as we know, the DH has no diagnosis. OP thinks he's undiagnosed and on the spectrum, and it's pretty common for romantic partners to get fed up with their apparently-ND partners refusing to seek a diagnosis or any help, a situation which is only highlighted by the help she is presumably getting her diagnosed son so that he can develop relationship and life skills. But even if that's the case, the DH's "condition" is not the reason for the divorce. His behavior is. (BTW, nobody is diagnosed with "Asperger's anymore, that is an outdated term.)

That sounds rational but children don't always internalize parents' actions rationally. Also neurodivergent mental states cause divergent behaviour. There is no clean isolation between diagnosis and behavior; the diagnosis is primarily based on behavioral symptoms. At best the son will develop coping skills to minimize his symptoms. He will mostly be "performing" normalcy. There is a good chance he will see his mother's rejection of his father as a rejection of his true self. Maybe it's not fair but he's not operating from a place or abstract detachment--no children are.

[Anonymous]

So what.

Maybe when older he will and will choose not to have kids because he knows he too cannot handle it.

Or maybe he can go live a life of Riley with dad and hide the truth from his girlfriends.

The NT mom will have fully detached by then. Too much codependency and accommodating dysfunction. Even elon musk, multi billionaire ASD 1, and no one wants to live with him.

[Anonymous]

Spouse accounts and child accounts are different in terms of where you want to have the time, finances and energy. It's one thing to know for life that you will have a child who needs extra help/assistance with awareness. It's another to have to play that role for a spouse/another adult. She sounds tapped out.

I would ask her what her plans are to trying to ensure her child's apple falls as far from that tree as possible. Just removing the bad role model doesn't remove the genetics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse accounts and child accounts are different in terms of where you want to have the time, finances and energy. It's one thing to know for life that you will have a child who needs extra help/assistance with awareness. It's another to have to play that role for a spouse/another adult. She sounds tapped out.

I would ask her what her plans are to trying to ensure her child's apple falls as far from that tree as possible. Just removing the bad role model doesn't remove the genetics.

That is none of OP's business.

[Anonymous]

As/nt divorces are better for all involved. Same with special needs kids. The parents can recharge during the other parents custody time.

In this case if the AS parent walks back his custody time due to his overwhelm, then he will be a better person on his child weekends or dinners as well. He will welcome a simpler life again.

The kid can keep with the functional parent more and his therapy schedule, learning good habits, conversational skills, school demands.

Your sister has a tough slog ahead of her, she and the child are forever tethered to the AS father. Therapy and boundaries may need to be set. It is never a cake walk to co-parent with a mentally disordered individual. And she has an AS child to parent and develop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the mother is rejecting the father because of Asperger's, why would the son not feel rejected having the same condition?

Even if the mother "accepts" and "loves" the son, he will know it's not what she really wanted and will expect rejection from romantic partners himself on the basis of his Asperger's.

I’m sure she’s worried about her son’s future and potential difficulties. Who wouldn’t be (well the aspergers father, that’s who).

The key to mental disorders however, is (a) getting diagnosed, (b) getting treated, (c) accepting your Dx and Rx, and (d) managing your symptoms.

The spouse may not have done any of those four, or be in denial, or believe his IQ or income is what matters, or too whatever to manage his symptoms (pompous, scare, told he a golden child’s toy name it)., whereas the son is on Thea totally different path already: that matters.

And guess what else? A-holes can both have asd and not have asd. They usually ended up divorced as well. So at that point. it doesn’t matter.

This is a good wrap up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the mother is rejecting the father because of Asperger's, why would the son not feel rejected having the same condition?

Even if the mother "accepts" and "loves" the son, he will know it's not what she really wanted and will expect rejection from romantic partners himself on the basis of his Asperger's.

This is a nutty take. You need to think about the ways adult partner relationships are different from parent-child relationships.

The sister is divorcing because of her husband's behavior. Kids with cowlicks don't think their divorced mom hates them because dad also has a cowlick - they are perfectly capable of seeing that the divorce is about the two married people and the way those people behave.

Also, so far as we know, the DH has no diagnosis. OP thinks he's undiagnosed and on the spectrum, and it's pretty common for romantic partners to get fed up with their apparently-ND partners refusing to seek a diagnosis or any help, a situation which is only highlighted by the help she is presumably getting her diagnosed son so that he can develop relationship and life skills. But even if that's the case, the DH's "condition" is not the reason for the divorce. His behavior is. (BTW, nobody is diagnosed with "Asperger's anymore, that is an outdated term.)

That sounds rational but children don't always internalize parents' actions rationally. Also neurodivergent mental states cause divergent behaviour. There is no clean isolation between diagnosis and behavior; the diagnosis is primarily based on behavioral symptoms. At best the son will develop coping skills to minimize his symptoms. He will mostly be "performing" normalcy. There is a good chance he will see his mother's rejection of his father as a rejection of his true self. Maybe it's not fair but he's not operating from a place or abstract detachment--no children are.

Okay, assume this is correct.

Now ask what the son learns if his mom stays in a marriage where she does all the work, is expected to essentially parent her husband, and where she feels miserable and unfulfilled because she is always in service to both her husband and child. What does the son learn about relationships, what expectations might he have for a future partner if that is what he sees? Is that really a preferable outcome? I don't think it is, not for the mom, or the son, or anyone the son might be with in the future. It might be preferable for the dad, but that's it.

But I also disagree with your premise that the son will automatically view the divorce as a rejection of his "true self." That assumes that all people with ASD have the same true self. They don't. And a good mom will make it clear to her son that (1) his dad's life is not automatically the son's fate -- they can and almost definitely will have different experiences that will shape them in different ways, and (2) her rejection of his father within the context of a romantic marriage is totally independent of her maternal love for her son. Because that's true. And if she shows and expresses that enough to her son, *that* is what he will internalize. Not an assumption that because his mom divorced his ASD dad, then his mom must not love her ASD son.

[Anonymous]

Why did she have a kid and get married to this man if she was just going to divorce him? I question your sisters judgement and you’re right that this is hypocritical.

Was she really that desperate for marriage and a kid?

[Anonymous]

No.

It’s a failed marriage. That’s never hypocritical, nor taken lightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did she have a kid and get married to this man if she was just going to divorce him? I question your sisters judgement and you’re right that this is hypocritical.

Was she really that desperate for marriage and a kid?

Why you reversing the order of events? R u a troll?

Of course she didn’t know upon marriage and pregnancy that her spouse was going to hit the wall and be a terrible adult, never growing into the role of husband, father and homeowner. Or carried autism 2 genetics and traits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did she have a kid and get married to this man if she was just going to divorce him? I question your sisters judgement and you’re right that this is hypocritical.

Was she really that desperate for marriage and a kid?

No one gets married to get divorced dimwit.