Is this divorce hypocritical?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people.

Sure. Just don't expect the child to feel the same way. The child will know that he is unworthy himself, just like dad, but that mom didn't kick him out, unlike dad, due to parental obligation. As long as we acknowledge the trade off between mom's happiness and the child's self-esteem, we're in agreement.

No one’s in agreement with you PP. We’ve already told you that. Go post your fixations somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

Nope PP, OP Troll.

That’s all totally incorrect. You keep trying this manufactured angle while pretending to be someone’s sister.

Just stop, you’re making a fool of yourself.

Most neurodivergent kids won’t be thinking of either parent or themselves, just who will feed them, buy them extra stuff, give them screen time, and let them off the hook the most.

And even if there was some huge psych study that stated kids internalize divorce only that way, so what. People are still going to divorce. Being in a krappy, lonely, disrespectful, insane fake marriage will drive everyone off a cliff.

Okie doke. If you need to believe your kids love your new boyfriend/husband and can't wait to be part of a blended stepfamily, you go right ahead and believe that. A healthy fantasy life is important for everyone, after all.

Quite the projection PP, quite the projection.

You must be the same loony bins poster as half these posts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people.

Sure. Just don't expect the child to feel the same way. The child will know that he is unworthy himself, just like dad, but that mom didn't kick him out, unlike dad, due to parental obligation. As long as we acknowledge the trade off between mom's happiness and the child's self-esteem, we're in agreement.

DP. I think it's absolutely fine for a kid to understand that his mom did not and will not kick him out, because she's his mother and she loves him - but that a romantic partner might kick him out, if he acts like his dad. There's nothing wrong with this message.

Your framing the divorce as mom being selfish assumes that the dad is a safe, loving, and involved presence for the kid, and that's just not likely to be true. The kid may have no trouble at all understanding the divorce, either right away or as he matures. But even if he is never okay with it, the mom has an obligation as a parent to choose the best living situation for the kid she is raising.

There is no evidence from the OP that he is an unsafe parent. That's all projection from other posters posting about other hypothetical ASD parents. "Not pulling his weight" is not a safety issue. Poor socialization, which is what the OP did mention, is not a safety issue. There is also no evidence that the sister is a dynamite parent either. Yes if he is having severe temper tantrums, he should be kept away. On the other hand, if she is screaming at DH because he sucks at planning or whatever, then she isn't so great either.

There's insufficient information here and the specifics of the situation matter. But the casual ableism against people with ASD is appalling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

I wasn't actually asking for anyone to elaborate on this issue. I pointed out that we parent our children and absorb the effort and sometimes thankless job of it because that is the parenting contract. That is not a marriage contract. OP's sister does not have to resign herself to an unhappy marriage because her husband shares their child's neurodivergence.

Women's lives do not have to be permanently in service to the men around them, as convenient as that would be for many people.

Sure. Just don't expect the child to feel the same way. The child will know that he is unworthy himself, just like dad, but that mom didn't kick him out, unlike dad, due to parental obligation. As long as we acknowledge the trade off between mom's happiness and the child's self-esteem, we're in agreement.

DP. I think it's absolutely fine for a kid to understand that his mom did not and will not kick him out, because she's his mother and she loves him - but that a romantic partner might kick him out, if he acts like his dad. There's nothing wrong with this message.

Your framing the divorce as mom being selfish assumes that the dad is a safe, loving, and involved presence for the kid, and that's just not likely to be true. The kid may have no trouble at all understanding the divorce, either right away or as he matures. But even if he is never okay with it, the mom has an obligation as a parent to choose the best living situation for the kid she is raising.

There is no evidence from the OP that he is an unsafe parent. That's all projection from other posters posting about other hypothetical ASD parents. "Not pulling his weight" is not a safety issue. Poor socialization, which is what the OP did mention, is not a safety issue. There is also no evidence that the sister is a dynamite parent either. Yes if he is having severe temper tantrums, he should be kept away. On the other hand, if she is screaming at DH because he sucks at planning or whatever, then she isn't so great either.

There's insufficient information here and the specifics of the situation matter. But the casual ableism against people with ASD is appalling.

Even if the father is a loving involved parent, he might not be the supportive loving spouse to her. This isnt ableism against people with ASD, rather that he might not be a good partner due to his ASD traits and refuses to acknowledge them and improve himself to make a better life for his family. Life is hard parenting a SN child, doing that in a lonely unhappy marriage with an unsupportive or difficult spouse, way way worse. There might be emotional neglect or abuse. Infidelity and physical abuse arent the only reasons why someone might seek divorce. You have no idea what others are going through in their lives, no need to make assumptions and judge their life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As/nt divorces are better for all involved. Same with special needs kids. The parents can recharge during the other parents custody time.

In this case if the AS parent walks back his custody time due to his overwhelm, then he will be a better person on his child weekends or dinners as well. He will welcome a simpler life again.

The kid can keep with the functional parent more and his therapy schedule, learning good habits, conversational skills, school demands.

Your sister has a tough slog ahead of her, she and the child are forever tethered to the AS father. Therapy and boundaries may need to be set. It is never a cake walk to co-parent with a mentally disordered individual. And she has an AS child to parent and develop.

+1

This is the right decision for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

+1. I'm really confused with the conflation between son and husband's neurodivergence. One is her child. The other is the adult she shares a bed with. I am totally comfortable parenting a child, possibly for life if they need it. This is not why I would or did marry another adult.

Because children generally don't prioritize the happiness/contentment/satisfaction of their parents, at least not until they are well into their own adulthood. Children see the family as a family. There is a very good chance, even among neurotypical children, but especially of neurodivergent children, that if one family member of the family is disposable (the dad, who has genetic reasons for his condition), then they are as well. They might think the only reason the neurotypical parent doesn't dispose of them is because legally they can't, and their existence is something the neurotypical parent grudgingly deals with. They won't feel unconditional level from that parent. Is it "fair"? Is it "right"? Maybe not, but let's not pretend these deep seated emotional wounds don't happen, whether they are "reasonable", or "rational" or not.

Let's analogize. If kids prioritized their parents' happiness/contentment/romantic satisfaction, then surely they would love stepparents, who from the bio-parent's perspective, are far better partners than the person they divorced. But no, kids often can't stand stepparents, or at best learn to tolerate them (yes yes I know there are many anecdotes about exceptions where kids loved the stepparents/stepfamily as much as their biofamily, but the trope exists for a reason and many kids even irrationally hate stepparents who do actually love and try their best).

Yep. That’s a good lesson for a child to learn, neurotypical or not - if you act like a jerk, people will dispose of you. No one is obligated to tolerate you. You want to live with other people - shape up.

[Anonymous]

Mic drop.


Close the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She isnt rejecting her husband because he is autistic but because his autism makes him a poor partner - lack of executive functioning, emotional control , attention deficiency and what have you. Its one thing to support and love your kid with ASD because that's what a good parent would do but another thing to live with that in a spouse. Its not a partnership then, more like dealing with an adult child that you didnt sign up to take care of

Why did she marry him then?

Do people really think he just became autistic all of a sudden after a kid? Isn’t this something you’d vet before starting a family with someone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She isnt rejecting her husband because he is autistic but because his autism makes him a poor partner - lack of executive functioning, emotional control , attention deficiency and what have you. Its one thing to support and love your kid with ASD because that's what a good parent would do but another thing to live with that in a spouse. Its not a partnership then, more like dealing with an adult child that you didnt sign up to take care of

Why did she marry him then?

Do people really think he just became autistic all of a sudden after a kid? Isn’t this something you’d vet before starting a family with someone?

Many people have said it already: lots of autistic males stop being adults once a kid comes along. They start competing for attention and seeing that a baby gets it, they revert into children themselves. Hence the sibling dynamic between an ASD spouse and kid.

[Anonymous]

They just fake it until they no longer can— which is typically when they can’t grow and step up to be home owners, life partners, raising a child. That’s too much for them. For others keeping a job is too much for them. And for even others, the demand to graduate college or high school are too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They just fake it until they no longer can— which is typically when they can’t grow and step up to be home owners, life partners, raising a child. That’s too much for them. For others keeping a job is too much for them. And for even others, the demand to graduate college or high school are too much.

Many adults with ASD who would today qualify for a diagnosis and get help went undiagnosed and grew up into people who do not have the tools to help themselves or be there for those who depend on them and lack the self awareness to know this about themselves. When we married, my husband was this sweet loyal man who could be sometimes inflexible and awkward but no major red flags. Its only after having kids and a SN diagnosis for one child that brought on a lot of hardship that things really started falling apart and all his worst traits came out, he just cannot cope and either retreats or lashes out.

Thing is, not all men with ASD are poor fathers or partners. But there are a lot of ASD traits that make even the regular demands of parenting challenging and hard.

This isnt an ASD specific thing even. Plenty of women fall into this trap - marry and have children with men NT or ND who start off as good partners and on board and eager to have kids. But once the kids happen and responsibilities pile on, they flake and shrug off the work to their wives who are left holding the bag. There's plenty of Married Single Moms who did not think it would have happened to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

Good new concerned sister- most kids NT or ND never out 2 and 2 together that they are the reason their parents are exhausted, unhappy or divorced!

Maybe a few do, one the are marriages and raising children. Or when the read those happiness age group studies…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

Good new concerned sister- most kids NT or ND never put 2 and 2 together that they are the reason their parents are exhausted, unhappy or divorced!

Maybe a few do, once they are married and raising children. Or when they read those (un)happiness age group studies…

Truth! Kids blow up marriages!

But it really is one or both parents not being able to effectively handle raising the children. There are way too many ignorant and neglectful “parents.” Then when that one is actively undermining the other parent? Game over.