Is this divorce hypocritical?

[Anonymous]

My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

[Anonymous]

Remember, this may be the excuse she's giving so she doesn't divulge something more sensitive, or it may be a shorthand for a more serious version of what she's saying (for example, he's severely depressed and locks himself in his room and doesn't participate in any family activities at all).

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they are not good matches for each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember, this may be the excuse she's giving so she doesn't divulge something more sensitive, or it may be a shorthand for a more serious version of what she's saying (for example, he's severely depressed and locks himself in his room and doesn't participate in any family activities at all).

True. But if it’s the latter, she doesn’t need to sugar coat it. We all feel weird about it, considering DNephew. She’s really laying it on thick and repeating “socializing him”. But you’re right; I’m sure there is more to it.

[Anonymous]

I have an autistic son and husband. I was the primary parent for my son during his childhood, because my husband could not parent effectively, due to socio-emotional communication deficits. It was hand-on, therapeutic-level parenting from morning til night, with a break during school hours: meaning, I narrated the day, we practiced his PT, OT and speech tasks (because he was behind in so many things), and I retaught what he had missed in school every afternoon. He couldn't do normal things like tie his shoes for a very long time, so I did a lot for him.

And then I had to mediate between them, because my husband couldn't accept that his son had communication deficits as well, and would get irrationally angry. The first 10 years of my son's life were really hard for me, and I felt completely trapped, because I WANTED to divorce... but then I'd be forced to parent with less money and I feared for my son's psychological wellbeing in my husband's custody, with the yelling and punitive parenting.

Now my son has clawed his way to college, thanks to his very hard work, my dedication and lots of tutoring... and my husband is doing much better. Essentially he's gone back to being the person I married 20+ years ago.

So I completely feel for your sister, OP, but I'm not sure divorce is the solution, unless she has support lined up and enough money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an autistic son and husband. I was the primary parent for my son during his childhood, because my husband could not parent effectively, due to socio-emotional communication deficits. It was hand-on, therapeutic-level parenting from morning til night, with a break during school hours: meaning, I narrated the day, we practiced his PT, OT and speech tasks (because he was behind in so many things), and I retaught what he had missed in school every afternoon. He couldn't do normal things like tie his shoes for a very long time, so I did a lot for him.

And then I had to mediate between them, because my husband couldn't accept that his son had communication deficits as well, and would get irrationally angry. The first 10 years of my son's life were really hard for me, and I felt completely trapped, because I WANTED to divorce... but then I'd be forced to parent with less money and I feared for my son's psychological wellbeing in my husband's custody, with the yelling and punitive parenting.

Now my son has clawed his way to college, thanks to his very hard work, my dedication and lots of tutoring... and my husband is doing much better. Essentially he's gone back to being the person I married 20+ years ago.

So I completely feel for your sister, OP, but I'm not sure divorce is the solution, unless she has support lined up and enough money.

I'm glad this person posted because it was exactly what I was thinking, but don't have the lived experience to share.

[Anonymous]

There's probably more that you don't know. But when she married him, she probably was way less knowledgeable and didn't understand what she was getting into, and she didn't have the kid. She didn't know the kid would also have it. So yes, things have changed. And she's older and less energetic than she was before.

It's an uncomfortable topic on this board, for sure. But there are a lot of us who understand.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t really matter if she always knew he was quirky. She knows *now* that his personality isn’t working for her, and she’s calling it quits. It’s not like you’re only allowed to get divorced based on information discovered after marriage. But even if that were true, I’m sure your sister didn’t know she would find his personality incompatible *during marriage.* She thought she liked it (or could tolerate it) pre-marriage. She can’t or doesn’t want to anymore.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes people become more difficult as they grow older. People say with AdHD you hit a wall at age 50 and coping gets much harder. Burnout and the natural changes of growing older just make it more difficult. So maybe it's that, for both of them.

[Anonymous]

Your judgment is a problem

[Anonymous]

Yeah this isn’t your problem. Respect your sisters choice

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister just filed for divorce. My BIL was always a quirky guy, awkward, but super nice. Likely on the spectrum. I always liked him a lot and found him pleasant company. My opinion doesn’t matter to their divorce, but mentioning him matters to the divorce, I think. She’s divorcing him because she’s tired of “socializing him”. He’s who he always was; he’s always been the same man she married. But he’s quiet, and awkward, and quirky. The clincher? Their son is also autistic, and will likely have the same issues his whole life. I feel really weird about her stance towards her husband when their son is so similar. What does that say about how she feels about her own son’s future? I don’t know, I’m probably not thinking objectively. What am I missing? I need an unbiased lens.

It's legitimate for someone to underestimate the toll of dealing with behavior like this. And just because he's nice to you doesn't mean that he is nice to her. I live that every day.

[Anonymous]

It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It means she’s tired of living life like that and is done. I don’t get why you are confused. She doesn’t want to be married to him anymore and be intimate with him. Totally different from your relationship ship with your kid.

Well said. It's pretty simple, at the end of the day. Though I'm sure it's anything but simple to live out.