Friends husband touched my butt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, he brushed past me and I felt his hand graze over the top of my butt, from left to right. I would have thought it was a mistake or a very light touch to just say “excuse me, right behind you”, but there was no excuse or apology. I always say excuse me if I’m passing someone or I accidentally graze them.

I guess a good piece of advice for all of us is to exclaim "what was that!" if it happens to make sure it's known that it was noticed and unwelcome but without accusing. Easy to say now. In the moment I'm sure I would have frozen. I'm sorry it happened to you. It sounds intentional but with enough plausible deniability. If your husband is not a jerk you should ask what he thinks of this guy and let him know what you said here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be sending him the vibes that made him feel okay to touch your butt

I would keep my distance from that man. I wouldn’t mention this to my friend unless you intend to lose her. She might have an even more ignorant view than the one posted above and try to blame you.

I would mention this to my own DH though to make sure someone has my back.

She should tell the friend. Obviously the aren't going to keep hanging out with handsy husband so friend deserves to know why. Also, I would want to know if my husband was going around grabbing my friends' butts. I would want Op to tell me.

Op I’m circling back to warn you strongly not to say anything about this to your friend. She will be embarrassed and blame you or she will outright blame you and she will distance herself from you to keep her husband. That won’t end well it never does. Remember women are always wrong and men are blameless or forgiven.

+++ Even if this is a good friend, her family will come first and she may go on a subtle campaign against you. Don't tell her, and don't tell your husband and don't tell any other girlfriends. Avoid him, make distance, never be alone with him and avoid drinking events with the couple.

[Anonymous]

That’s SA to me.
I’d tell the friend and report him.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible it was an accident? This is the sort of thing if it might be an accident you let it go once but not a second time. If it happens a second time then you know 100% it wasn't an accident and then you should say or do something.

From your post, it sounds like you think it might not have been an accident. If that is the case, I would stay away from him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be sending him the vibes that made him feel okay to touch your butt

I would keep my distance from that man. I wouldn’t mention this to my friend unless you intend to lose her. She might have an even more ignorant view than the one posted above and try to blame you.

I would mention this to my own DH though to make sure someone has my back.

She should tell the friend. Obviously the aren't going to keep hanging out with handsy husband so friend deserves to know why. Also, I would want to know if my husband was going around grabbing my friends' butts. I would want Op to tell me.

Op I’m circling back to warn you strongly not to say anything about this to your friend. She will be embarrassed and blame you or she will outright blame you and she will distance herself from you to keep her husband. That won’t end well it never does. Remember women are always wrong and men are blameless or forgiven.

+++ Even if this is a good friend, her family will come first and she may go on a subtle campaign against you. Don't tell her, and don't tell your husband and don't tell any other girlfriends. Avoid him, make distance, never be alone with him and avoid drinking events with the couple.

Huh, it just occurred to me this could be the answer to so many "why did my friend fade out on me" posts. But wondering why you think she shouldn't tell her DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You must be sending him the vibes that made him feel okay to touch your butt

I would keep my distance from that man. I wouldn’t mention this to my friend unless you intend to lose her. She might have an even more ignorant view than the one posted above and try to blame you.

I would mention this to my own DH though to make sure someone has my back.

She should tell the friend. Obviously the aren't going to keep hanging out with handsy husband so friend deserves to know why. Also, I would want to know if my husband was going around grabbing my friends' butts. I would want Op to tell me.

Op I’m circling back to warn you strongly not to say anything about this to your friend. She will be embarrassed and blame you or she will outright blame you and she will distance herself from you to keep her husband. That won’t end well it never does. Remember women are always wrong and men are blameless or forgiven.

+++ Even if this is a good friend, her family will come first and she may go on a subtle campaign against you. Don't tell her, and don't tell your husband and don't tell any other girlfriends. Avoid him, make distance, never be alone with him and avoid drinking events with the couple.

Huh, it just occurred to me this could be the answer to so many "why did my friend fade out on me" posts. But wondering why you think she shouldn't tell her DH.

Because you don't know if it will come out at some point in the future or if her DH will confront or bring up in anger if he sees somethign else that makes him think of it, or tell other dads. Or act oddly cold in a way that blows back on OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is this guy like? What are your interactions with him like? Does this seem in character for him? Was it a crowded space? Was he drinking?

If you aren’t sure it was intentional, I’d err on the side of caution and treat it like an accident—one he didn’t notice. But I’d keep a sharp eye out for next time.

Next time you and your spouse see them as couples, you could also work the conversation around to sexual assault and groping and how you think it’s the lowest of the low, etc. Make your point to him through a general conversation. If he’s guilty, he’ll hear your message. If he’s not guilty, he won’t realize you’re being pointed.

[Anonymous]

Why should women suffer in silence? Why are they not allowed to speak up? Why should she have to continue to socialize with this man if she doesn't want to? Why isn't she allowed to have agency? (Of course they will socialize again if she doesn't say anything - there would be no reason not to).

All the posts saying OP, you need to just be quiet, tell no one, carry on. Keep it to yourself and take whatever happens to you.

I completely disagree. Completely. Women do not have to keep things that make them uncomfortable a secret. She doesn't need to cater to this man. She is allowed to have a voice and do as she wishes about the situation. Women are allowed to speak up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That’s SA to me.
I’d tell the friend and report him.

This sound crazy to me. OP is supposed to file a sexual assault report with the police because her friend's husband's hand grazed her butt and it may have been done on purpose -- but maybe not.

OP - If you've been friends with this couple for a while and this is an isolated incident, as I infer from your post, I would give the husband the benefit of the doubt. After this, I'd be on guard. Should there be another incident, it's a different story.

P.S. In case it matters, I'm a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what is this guy like? What are your interactions with him like? Does this seem in character for him? Was it a crowded space? Was he drinking?

If you aren’t sure it was intentional, I’d err on the side of caution and treat it like an accident—one he didn’t notice. But I’d keep a sharp eye out for next time.

Next time you and your spouse see them as couples, you could also work the conversation around to sexual assault and groping and how you think it’s the lowest of the low, etc. Make your point to him through a general conversation. If he’s guilty, he’ll hear your message. If he’s not guilty, he won’t realize you’re being pointed.

I love that advice but won't blame OP if she isn't bold enough. I wouldn't have the balls.

[Anonymous]

This happened to me a few years ago. This is dear friend I’ve known for 20 years and I was even a bridesmaid in their wedding. I was also in shock when he grabbed my butt and kept trying to make excuses in my mind, but deep down I know it was intentional.

I agree with the poster that said these guys are counting on us being shocked/embarrassed into silence which is what I ultimately chose to do (never even told my DH) But I have kept my distance since the incident, making up excuses why I can’t be in his presence. Fortunately we live far away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, he brushed past me and I felt his hand graze over the top of my butt, from left to right. I would have thought it was a mistake or a very light touch to just say “excuse me, right behind you”, but there was no excuse or apology. I always say excuse me if I’m passing someone or I accidentally graze them.

In other words he squeezed by you, and brushed up against you as people do in crowded situations. That’s not "groping" or "grabbing your butt" and you know it. I’d laugh if you mentioned it to me. You’re delusional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, he brushed past me and I felt his hand graze over the top of my butt, from left to right. I would have thought it was a mistake or a very light touch to just say “excuse me, right behind you”, but there was no excuse or apology. I always say excuse me if I’m passing someone or I accidentally graze them.

In other words he squeezed by you, and brushed up against you as people do in crowded situations. That’s not "groping" or "grabbing your butt" and you know it. I’d laugh if you mentioned it to me. You’re delusional.

They were at someone's house, not a packed subway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, he brushed past me and I felt his hand graze over the top of my butt, from left to right. I would have thought it was a mistake or a very light touch to just say “excuse me, right behind you”, but there was no excuse or apology. I always say excuse me if I’m passing someone or I accidentally graze them.

In other words he squeezed by you, and brushed up against you as people do in crowded situations. That’s not "groping" or "grabbing your butt" and you know it. I’d laugh if you mentioned it to me. You’re delusional.

I bet this guy could manage not to squeeze by and accidentally graze OP'S husband's butt or groin, somehow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s SA to me.
I’d tell the friend and report him.

This sound crazy to me. OP is supposed to file a sexual assault report with the police because her friend's husband's hand grazed her butt and it may have been done on purpose -- but maybe not.

OP - If you've been friends with this couple for a while and this is an isolated incident, as I infer from your post, I would give the husband the benefit of the doubt. After this, I'd be on guard. Should there be another incident, it's a different story.

P.S. In case it matters, I'm a woman.

This is quite literally the definition of SA. Attitudes like this are why victims often don’t get proper justice. Benefit of the doubt? What?