How to overcome shame and be truthful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

Well yeah, because it's unnatural for children not to be with their mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

Are you really this dense?

No one "presumed he did something to not have custody" because, as I said, the "presumption" has always been that the kids go with the mother. When the mother doesn't have custody that's why "assumptions" are made.

[Anonymous]

Lying only exacerbates shame and it puts a wall between you and others that will make you feel more and more alone. As you recover, build back self esteem, seek therapy etc maybe you can try to expand your social network to include more compassionate people - try a church or reconnecting with old friends - who can sit with your whole story and help you accept your history and build a new future. You will likely find over time that it brings relief and a more realistic self-image

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you get emergency child support from the get go? You sent the kids to live with a man you knew/thought was abusive.

This thread is confirming my fears. What can I say?

Well, you described this horrible man -- and you shipped your kids off to live with him? Really?

I guess I just pray you never find yourself in that position. Thank you anyway.

OP, people won't get it until they have been there or seen it close up. I have seen it close up more than once. Financial abusers have you right where they want you by the time the divorce happens. You were impoverished by them and with them through many micro decisions and macro ones that you did not know about or were not able to put a stop to because of the dynamic. It is out of control by the time you manage to leave.

I saw the husband ruin my friend's credit and spend all the cash before leaving, including padding his own nest elsewhere. She was working but drowning in debt, including his purchases that she had tried to oppose. I have talked another friend down who was going to finally give the children to the ex during the separation, because she was out of money and needed to move for the only job she could find. She didn't want to disrupt the kids' schooling and the husband treated the kids much better than he treated her. Her divorce lawyer finally convinced her that doing so would hurt her for custody later. She continues to scrape by on gig work without a real job and is building a legal debt at the same time. It is a mess. Only the people who know how bad the ex is can even imagine how you got in this position.

At some point, you may just be honest about the fact that you were fighting an abusive narcissist and lost.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried to get 50/50 custody since the divorce? Seeing them 10 weeks out of 52 is not good for any of you. But why bring it up to others? If they ask, you have your kids at this time period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I think you are reading negativity into the two posts that offered sample dialogue because you judge yourself. Sending your kids to live with their dad because he could better provide for them at that time is a sound and courageous parenting decision. The unintended consequence has been bad, and perhaps you would have done things differently if you'd known how it would play out, but there's nothing wrong with you having said, "I think my kids are better off with their father right now." I think you have to give yourself grace and absolution before you can feel confident engaging with others. You come across as defensive, even when people aren't judging, because you're still judging yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I think you are reading negativity into the two posts that offered sample dialogue because you judge yourself. Sending your kids to live with their dad because he could better provide for them at that time is a sound and courageous parenting decision. The unintended consequence has been bad, and perhaps you would have done things differently if you'd known how it would play out, but there's nothing wrong with you having said, "I think my kids are better off with their father right now." I think you have to give yourself grace and absolution before you can feel confident engaging with others. You come across as defensive, even when people aren't judging, because you're still judging yourself.

+1

Yes - several people have offered great sample responses you could use that I would not judge. You will have to heal yourself internally and practice being honest and calm as you share more and accept your own imperfections. You may be surprised by how accepting many (even if not all) people are - give yourself this opportunity instead of preemptively deciding people are judging you. Give people the chance to help you and accept you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I definitely make negative judgements about it.

Do you see your kids at all?

Honestly I think the problem here is that you don’t seem to be owning up to whatever led to this. You shouldn’t have been in such a precarious financial situation in the first place and shouldn’t have sent your kids away.

This is OP. I see my kids 10 weeks during the year, and travel to see them/coordinate additional travel on top of agreed-upon throughout the year and have since I could afford it.

I was a SAHM and pregnant when I found out my ex cheated, then I took out a credit card to escape an abusive situation. I was poor and I didn’t get a salaried job until 2021, right after the divorce. I just never had money and my ex was financially abusive so wasn’t able to save anything to leave. Like I posted previously, no family support or other people I could ask for help.

I do regret sending my kids away, but I was living in a car-dependent place, taking classes and working full-time with my kids in daycare and preschool. Which I wouldn’t have been able to sustain without a car. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t think my husband would try to keep custody, and would weaponize the custody he had/the court system.

So yeah - your reaction is why I don’t disclose. And probably will continue not to disclose. People really assume the worst! And I’m not going to tell everyone this tale, obviously.

OP most of us would go to a homeless shelter before sending our infants to live with an abusive person. Your story is just really unclear. Also unclear why you didn’t move to where your kids are. I’m not assuming the worst, I just think your circumstances must be different than what you describe. I think therapy for you is probably the best plan as is a plan to move near your kids to get more regular custody every week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

If a man had zero custody or an every other weekend deal, or lived in another city from his small kids, I would definitely judge him.

[Anonymous]

I think you don't tell anyone as a general rule. I would try opening up to one person you trust and see how that goes: someone who will listen and sympathize. And if it goes well, maybe it will help you move forward with your life becauseyou can now talk honestly. But I wouldn't start talking about it to everyone you know. Be selective and see how it goes. Some people are not going to accept you and that's unfortunate but maybe when you open up to the right person, you will find a friend. It may mean more than one attempt and you may be rejected so know that. You need support though so I woukd try to find some. There are free 12-step programs that may help. If you can afford it, I would try therapy.

[Anonymous]

I think I might know you in real life. And I do not judge you, at all. Not in the slightest.

Life gets tangled and messy, and somethings how things seem to work best in the moment, doesn't tell the whole picture. Most of time, actually.

You love and care deeply about your kids, and it's evident. There will always be judgement people. Those that matter, will acknowledge your humanity. You're not a perfect parents, but who is? Maybe a lot of people who are just pretending.

[Anonymous]

This is OP, in tears because of all this support. I’m sure I do come across as defensive, because I am still judging myself, and I feel like a failure as a mother, even though my kids love me and I love them, because I know this is overall not a good situation. It’s hard not to feel like it’s my fault.

I’m apprehensive to move to where my ex lives, because I’ve finally developed a career and something of a support system, and I would be starting over again. I would also be playing into his game, supporting his career etc by relocating myself. It’s just difficult.

I posted this to check the temperature on how being truthful would be perceived, and it’s confirmed that there is judgement around this. I know it’s gendered. The friends I have do know the truth, and are supportive and sympathetic, but it’s just difficult when meeting people at work, at the gym, etc - so much casual conversation centers around school schedules, kids sports etc. it just comes up frequently and I lie through my teeth to save face. Like I said, I carry a lot of shame.

I do need to go back to therapy. I just wish I could go back in time. But I appreciate the candor here. And the support. Thank you all and Merry Christmas.