How to overcome shame and be truthful

[Anonymous]

Through a variety of factors, including being massively financially disadvantaged at the time and court proceedings that were prolonged by over a year due to Covid, my ex-husband ended up with primary custody of our two children. (We were found to be equally as fit as parents, but because our kids lived with him at the time of our divorce, it was decided he’d maintain custody.)

This has been a source of incredible shame and grief for me, and it’s very difficult for me to speak matter-of-factly about this: I can’t tell everyone I meet my whole life story, and I assume that people are assuming the worst about me if I tell them I don’t have custody of my kids. As a result, I’ve lied quite a bit about having custody, which only brings me more shame, and obviously weakens my trustworthiness and credibility with others (in addition to dishonesty being wrong). It’s prevented me from becoming close to people, too - you can’t build relationships on lies.

How can I approach this conversation frankly and be unafraid of other people’s judgement? (FWIW my kids and I have a great relationship.). TIA.

[Anonymous]

I think the first step is acknowledging what role you played in losing primary custody of your children in the first place. I don’t say that to be mean or heartless and I’m sure they were at factors that play against you. But to really move forward you need to acknowledge your role in the events that occurred.

You don’t need to broadcast these but I think you do need to recognize what happened and why. Then you simply state facts as you need to. I’m not sure why you need to tell people you have primary custody when you don’t. You just say I have the kids this weekend and that weekend or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the first step is acknowledging what role you played in losing primary custody of your children in the first place. I don’t say that to be mean or heartless and I’m sure they were at factors that play against you. But to really move forward you need to acknowledge your role in the events that occurred.

You don’t need to broadcast these but I think you do need to recognize what happened and why. Then you simply state facts as you need to. I’m not sure why you need to tell people you have primary custody when you don’t. You just say I have the kids this weekend and that weekend or whatever.

This is OP and this is what I mean: you’re assuming there’s something deficient or wrong with me because I don’t have custody. What I did wrong was (a) marry my ex in the first place - a person who is cruel, vindictive, and abusive, and was more than willing to kick me when I was down, (b) divorce in the wrong jurisdiction, and (c) be poor.

I sent the kids to live with him around the time he filed for divorce - we’d already been separated for two years, with the kids living with me - because I lost my car and couldn’t afford to replace it. I was on welfare and I had no family support and nowhere to get more money. Everything I made I gave to my divorce attorney. In hindsight, I shouldn’t have sent the kids to live with my ex, because instead of being able to divorce in March of 2020 - remember what happened then? - our case wasn’t heard until April of 2021. By then the kids had been with him for nearly two years.

Our marriage ended due to his infidelity (and ancillary abuse and substance abuse).

My ex-husband’s lawyer mysteriously wins ALL - this is not an exaggeration - of the divorce cases he takes on. His name precedes him. I retained a malpractice lawyer after the case concluded and was informed I had a valid case, but the financial return wouldn’t have made the effort worthwhile.

I went back to court to fight for custody again, and lost.

Like I said, I don’t have time to inform anyone of all these vagaries, and I still carry an enormous amount of sorrow for this whole experience. It’s very hard for me to acknowledge to people I don’t have custody because I feel I was wronged, it still feels wrong, and my kids suffer to this day as a result.

I didn’t start this thread to unload like this but your post is EXACTLY why I don’t want to share that I don’t have my kids full time. You assume I did something wrong. You have a judgement about it that precedes any empathy. And I understand why people would make those assumptions. But it only makes me feel worse about a situation that has been the greatest heartbreak of my life. This is why I lie and it seems like it makes sense to keep lying, and why it feels so scary not to lie - because people will make unfavorable judgments about me.

[Anonymous]

im so sorry, OP.

I haven't even read past the beginning of your second post, but for what it's worth, I think it's a fairly judge-free thing to say:

"I had to send the kids to live with my ex when we were splitting up, as I couldn't afford to keep them with me on my salary. I was heartbreaking. Even more heartbreaking is that the law said that because they were with him and I left, the court awarded him full time custody"

something like that. i don't know how you feel about people feeling sorry for you, but i would -- not judgey.

i am really sorry for what you are going through

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:im so sorry, OP.

I haven't even read past the beginning of your second post, but for what it's worth, I think it's a fairly judge-free thing to say:

"I had to send the kids to live with my ex when we were splitting up, as I couldn't afford to keep them with me on my salary. I was heartbreaking. Even more heartbreaking is that the law said that because they were with him and I left, the court awarded him full time custody"

something like that. i don't know how you feel about people feeling sorry for you, but i would -- not judgey.

i am really sorry for what you are going through

you could also say you are fighting to get them back, or need to rebuild financailly or whatever but i don't thin kyou need to add anything. plus it's not their business

[Anonymous]

Yeah. The shame over not having money is misguided.

[Anonymous]

"The court decided to award him custody because his financial position offered more financial security at the time."

[Anonymous]

This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I definitely make negative judgements about it.

Do you see your kids at all?

Honestly I think the problem here is that you don’t seem to be owning up to whatever led to this. You shouldn’t have been in such a precarious financial situation in the first place and shouldn’t have sent your kids away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the first step is acknowledging what role you played in losing primary custody of your children in the first place. I don’t say that to be mean or heartless and I’m sure they were at factors that play against you. But to really move forward you need to acknowledge your role in the events that occurred.

You don’t need to broadcast these but I think you do need to recognize what happened and why. Then you simply state facts as you need to. I’m not sure why you need to tell people you have primary custody when you don’t. You just say I have the kids this weekend and that weekend or whatever.

Great job in doing exactly what OP is explaining, troll. I swear there's ALWAYS one on any thread. Seriously pissed off and mentally depressed people just waiting for an opportunity to pounce. Disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I definitely make negative judgements about it.

Do you see your kids at all?

Honestly I think the problem here is that you don’t seem to be owning up to whatever led to this. You shouldn’t have been in such a precarious financial situation in the first place and shouldn’t have sent your kids away.

Oh man, here's another one. Good lord.

[Anonymous]

What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I definitely make negative judgements about it.

Do you see your kids at all?

Honestly I think the problem here is that you don’t seem to be owning up to whatever led to this. You shouldn’t have been in such a precarious financial situation in the first place and shouldn’t have sent your kids away.

Oh man, here's another one. Good lord.

OP can’t be honest and deal with shame if she doesn’t accept what happened and tolerate the discomfort. She doesn’t seem to be telling the full story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I definitely make negative judgements about it.

Do you see your kids at all?

Honestly I think the problem here is that you don’t seem to be owning up to whatever led to this. You shouldn’t have been in such a precarious financial situation in the first place and shouldn’t have sent your kids away.

Oh man, here's another one. Good lord.

OP can’t be honest and deal with shame if she doesn’t accept what happened and tolerate the discomfort. She doesn’t seem to be telling the full story.

What facts are you looking for?

[Anonymous]

Why didn't you get emergency child support from the get go? You sent the kids to live with a man you knew/thought was abusive.