How to overcome shame and be truthful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP and these responses are helpful, but kind of confirm that there would be a judgement/negative assumptions made if I state I don’t have custody without context. I mean, I get it, but it sucks. I don’t think people make negative judgements about men who don’t have custody.

I definitely make negative judgements about it.

Do you see your kids at all?

Honestly I think the problem here is that you don’t seem to be owning up to whatever led to this. You shouldn’t have been in such a precarious financial situation in the first place and shouldn’t have sent your kids away.

This is OP. I see my kids 10 weeks during the year, and travel to see them/coordinate additional travel on top of agreed-upon throughout the year and have since I could afford it.

I was a SAHM and pregnant when I found out my ex cheated, then I took out a credit card to escape an abusive situation. I was poor and I didn’t get a salaried job until 2021, right after the divorce. I just never had money and my ex was financially abusive so wasn’t able to save anything to leave. Like I posted previously, no family support or other people I could ask for help.

I do regret sending my kids away, but I was living in a car-dependent place, taking classes and working full-time with my kids in daycare and preschool. Which I wouldn’t have been able to sustain without a car. Hindsight is 20/20. I didn’t think my husband would try to keep custody, and would weaponize the custody he had/the court system.

So yeah - your reaction is why I don’t disclose. And probably will continue not to disclose. People really assume the worst! And I’m not going to tell everyone this tale, obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you get emergency child support from the get go? You sent the kids to live with a man you knew/thought was abusive.

This thread is confirming my fears. What can I say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you get emergency child support from the get go? You sent the kids to live with a man you knew/thought was abusive.

This thread is confirming my fears. What can I say?

Well, you described this horrible man -- and you shipped your kids off to live with him? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you get emergency child support from the get go? You sent the kids to live with a man you knew/thought was abusive.

This thread is confirming my fears. What can I say?

Well, you described this horrible man -- and you shipped your kids off to live with him? Really?

I guess I just pray you never find yourself in that position. Thank you anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"The court decided to award him custody because his financial position offered more financial security at the time."

This is pretty good. But honestly OP what you describe is heartbreaking and you deserve kindness and sympathy not shame or guilt. Instead of saying you don’t have custody, could you (honestly and fairly) say instead you have shared custody? I assume you see your kids sometimes, and no one needs to know what the shared split is percentage-wise. Shared custody is the norm and would shut down the issue. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

[Anonymous]

Wait, are you saying you don't even live in the same city as your kids and have to travel to see them??

C'mon OP you're not without blame here.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like you were a victim of domestic abuse. Are you in therapy? I think seeking one-on-one therapy, and in addition a support group, would provide more productive answers to you than what you'll get in this thread.
There are PPs that are saying you need to own what you did to create this situation. I agree with you this is perhaps too knee jerk judgmental for people that have not lived your experience. However, to move forward in your life, it's valuable for you to understand something about your reactions during the marriage and the divorce proceedings. Not from a "you screwed up" place, but from a "what have I learned about myself from this experience, and how can I make the most positive path forward for myself and my kids?"
When you have a answer to those questions, and you feel good about those answers, you won't fret so much about what you "think" other people are thinking, because they might "think" but you will KNOW.
I hope you can find some peace this holiday season. I know it can be a challenging time for folks with custody challenges.

[Anonymous]

I think you'll overcome the shame when you take accountability.

[Anonymous]

OP in your case I would lie without a second thought. You don't owe anyone an explanation. I would just say "we're divorced and our kids split time with us." That's not even a lie. Who are you talking to that they need to know whether you have primary legal custody or an exact breakdown of how much time the kids spend where? This information should be reserved on a need to know basis... your family if they assist you with the kids, a romantic partner if it gets serious, and doctors/therapists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you were a victim of domestic abuse. Are you in therapy? I think seeking one-on-one therapy, and in addition a support group, would provide more productive answers to you than what you'll get in this thread.
There are PPs that are saying you need to own what you did to create this situation. I agree with you this is perhaps too knee jerk judgmental for people that have not lived your experience. However, to move forward in your life, it's valuable for you to understand something about your reactions during the marriage and the divorce proceedings. Not from a "you screwed up" place, but from a "what have I learned about myself from this experience, and how can I make the most positive path forward for myself and my kids?"
When you have a answer to those questions, and you feel good about those answers, you won't fret so much about what you "think" other people are thinking, because they might "think" but you will KNOW.
I hope you can find some peace this holiday season. I know it can be a challenging time for folks with custody challenges.

The problem is that she is not able to convince anyone, including here sadly, that it was abuse since he was given full custody. She didn't have $$ for a decent lawyer and that's the problem here.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you need to go into any type of explanation. "At the time of separation, kids were living with Dad and then by the time the divorce was settled nearly 2 years later after Covid, we didn't want to disturb their routine and the lives they had set up". It's not 100% the truth but it makes sense. If people are going to judge you, you don't want them in your life anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What no one ever questions- when a man does not have full custody. Ever.

He is the reason this woman is in a poor financial position. No one gets that?

Oh please. There was a long-standing presumption that the kids were better off with the mother. That's why no one questioned it.

You misunderstand. When a man does not have custody, no one presumes he did something to not have custody, or they even assume he's ok with it. No onr questions it, no shame, no gossip. When a woman does not have custody, all types of assumptions are made. As shown here.

[Anonymous]

Why did the second case fail?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you were a victim of domestic abuse. Are you in therapy? I think seeking one-on-one therapy, and in addition a support group, would provide more productive answers to you than what you'll get in this thread.
There are PPs that are saying you need to own what you did to create this situation. I agree with you this is perhaps too knee jerk judgmental for people that have not lived your experience. However, to move forward in your life, it's valuable for you to understand something about your reactions during the marriage and the divorce proceedings. Not from a "you screwed up" place, but from a "what have I learned about myself from this experience, and how can I make the most positive path forward for myself and my kids?"
When you have a answer to those questions, and you feel good about those answers, you won't fret so much about what you "think" other people are thinking, because they might "think" but you will KNOW.
I hope you can find some peace this holiday season. I know it can be a challenging time for folks with custody challenges.

The problem is that she is not able to convince anyone, including here sadly, that it was abuse since he was given full custody. She didn't have $$ for a decent lawyer and that's the problem here.

Oh I have no trouble believing that. Abusive men get custody all that time. If it wasn't physical abuse I doubt the court would even consider it, and they don't care much about physical either if it's only against the mother.