Widower dating again & my adult children are not happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Dating is fine, but no marriage. It’s risky and will be terrible for your kids. Your wife wanted to leave her estate to them, don’t give it to some stranger.
Whoever you date must respect your time with your kids. No pushing in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dating is fine, but no marriage. It’s risky and will be terrible for your kids. Your wife wanted to leave her estate to them, don’t give it to some stranger.
Whoever you date must respect your time with your kids. No pushing in.

And to everyone else, don't be stupid like OP's wife and leave everything to your husband. Give your kids half of your estate at your death, and maybe even put the other half in a trust for your spouse with your kids as the trustee and successor beneficiaries.

[Anonymous]

This is a troll. Nobody says this: "I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of." He had not even met anyone yet. This was hypothetical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m 72. My kids are 35 and 39. I was with my wife for 51 years, and she unexpectedly passed in August 2024.

I told my daughter (34 at the time) in February that I wanted to date, maybe get remarried. She said “mom has been gone only 6 months. I personally think it’s too soon but it’s your life, so do what you want. All I ask is that you don’t talk about your dating life with me because it’s too hard and too soon for me right now”.

I had my daughter and my wife’s sister clear out my wife things in September because I told them it’s time to move on. I told her that I was going to put the house up for sale and that I had no ties here anymore so I plan on moving states away. I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of.

Fast forward to this day, I asked her to sit down for a chat. I told her that I’m dating someone, have been for 3 months, she’s special to me, and that she needs to respect her. She asked me what I meant. I told her that when she comes around she needs to be pleasant because my girlfriend is terrified of meeting you and your brother (I’m not sure why. I told my girlfriend that my children are not mean). To which my daughter replied that I can do what I want but she’s not ready to meet her. I told her that was rude. She said her not being ready for something and expressing her boundary isn’t rude. I told her I was going to call her brother. She said she knows he’ll feel the exact same way. I told her that this was a defense mechanism and that this will hurt my girlfriend’s feelings. She then told me that if she’s a decent person she will understand and she’ll be fine.

So, I turned to her and asked, “Are you telling me not date anyone and die alone? Should I just pick out a plot in the backyard?”. She said that she never said not to date but that she just isn’t ready and I’m not going to make her feel guilty for not feeling ready. I told her she should feel guilty. She got of her chair, looked at me and said, “Wxcuse me? What an awful thing to say”. She then left.

It’s as if my kids want me to die alone? I told them no one will replace their mother but they don’t seem to get that. Instead, they just seem like brats when it comes to this. What do I do?

Your dd actually sounds like a very mature, sensitive and grounded person. She literally told you it's fine for you to date so where do you get the "my kids want me to die alone" part? You want your dd to let you feel and do whatever you want, and she agrees to all of that. Then you don't extend the same respect to her at ALL and want to force her to do things she doesn't want to do and feel ways she doesn't feel. It's completely unfair.

And I'd be very careful with anything financial when it comes to this. There are too many stories of opportunistic younger second wives with greedy kids swooping in and damaging both relationships between first marriage kids AND finances. The harsh reality of this is you've known this woman for 3 months and you are an older, vulnerable man clearly desperate for fast, serious companionship. So you should be careful for everyone's sake, including your own. And your dd is right: the right woman would absolutely understand your kids' reticence over all this and have empathy and patience. So pay close attention to how your girlfriend handles it.

There's a chance his girlfriend does understand and have empathy, and OP is the one pushing the relationship on both his GF and his kids. That's the usual story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are an a$$. And I say that as a young-ish widow who started dating less than a year after my DH died.

You don't have to die alone and you absolutely can date. What you should not be doing is planning to leave money to a hypothetical person instead of your children. The fact that you already told your children that you will prioritize someone you hadn't met yet above them says all they need to know about you.

Where did you get that I prioritized her over my kids?

I also read the OP as OP prioritizing the new woman over his kids as well. The message to his daughter was clearly implied.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll. Nobody says this: "I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of." He had not even met anyone yet. This was hypothetical.

OP is giving off vibes of that awkward boy in high school who is so desperate for a girlfriend!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dating is fine, but no marriage. It’s risky and will be terrible for your kids. Your wife wanted to leave her estate to them, don’t give it to some stranger.
Whoever you date must respect your time with your kids. No pushing in.

And to everyone else, don't be stupid like OP's wife and leave everything to your husband. Give your kids half of your estate at your death, and maybe even put the other half in a trust for your spouse with your kids as the trustee and successor beneficiaries.

She didn’t leave everything to me because my wife didn’t know she had anything to leave. She was still working (long term substitute) and didn’t know her school automatically took out life insurance. We thought she had passed with nothing. Months later after she died we were notified that she had life insurance.

[Anonymous]

You didn't even wait a year and your girlfriend is two decades younger than you are. Dude, you are having an old life crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll. Nobody says this: "I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of." He had not even met anyone yet. This was hypothetical.

I told my daughter four different times about wanting to get remarried, in hopes of preparing her. The first time was in February when I initially told her I wanted to remarry. Second time we had a gathering to say a few words on the one-year anniversary of my wife’s passing. The third time was in October when I told her I was selling the house. The fourth time was today.

I didn’t mentioned the will until the third and time discussing getting married again. It was a natural time to bring it up since I was telling her that I was going to sell the house. It made sense, in my opinion, to bring it then (October) and today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll. Nobody says this: "I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of." He had not even met anyone yet. This was hypothetical.

I told my daughter four different times about wanting to get remarried, in hopes of preparing her. The first time was in February when I initially told her I wanted to remarry. Second time we had a gathering to say a few words on the one-year anniversary of my wife’s passing. The third time was in October when I told her I was selling the house. The fourth time was today.

I didn’t mentioned the will until the third and time discussing getting married again. It was a natural time to bring it up since I was telling her that I was going to sell the house. It made sense, in my opinion, to bring it then (October) and today.

OP, please re-read what you wrote here. It seems that you are much more focused on the getting remarried part and that is your main priority. I say this gently, but in your grief and loneliness could you be prioritizing being married again over the specific person that you might actually remarry? If so, that is a very dangerous approach for any relationship. You basically stated your goal before even meeting your gf so it is not unfair for others to view your actions as rash. Please proceed carefully.

[Anonymous]

You're determined to get remarried and you will. That's your priority.

You will leave your money to this second wife.

You want your kids to go along with these decisions.They don't.

You will have to live with your decisions. You will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a troll. Nobody says this: "I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of." He had not even met anyone yet. This was hypothetical.

I told my daughter four different times about wanting to get remarried, in hopes of preparing her. The first time was in February when I initially told her I wanted to remarry. Second time we had a gathering to say a few words on the one-year anniversary of my wife’s passing. The third time was in October when I told her I was selling the house. The fourth time was today.

I didn’t mentioned the will until the third and time discussing getting married again. It was a natural time to bring it up since I was telling her that I was going to sell the house. It made sense, in my opinion, to bring it then (October) and today.

Why do you want to get remarried at 72? Are you religious and trying to avoid fornication? Otherwise, why not just live with your girlfriend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're determined to get remarried and you will. That's your priority.

You will leave your money to this second wife.

You want your kids to go along with these decisions.They don't.

You will have to live with your decisions. You will.

If OP approached getting married again rationally like an adult would instead of a love-sick puppy his kids would be more open to the idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're determined to get remarried and you will. That's your priority.

You will leave your money to this second wife.

You want your kids to go along with these decisions.They don't.

You will have to live with your decisions. You will.

He doesn't sound like he has any money other than a little life insurance from his late wife's employer. Maybe the new woman is a nurse and a purse!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're determined to get remarried and you will. That's your priority.

You will leave your money to this second wife.

You want your kids to go along with these decisions.They don't.

You will have to live with your decisions. You will.

He doesn't sound like he has any money other than a little life insurance from his late wife's employer. Maybe the new woman is a nurse and a purse!

Yes. Either way, he's determined to remarry. I know of an older guy who was divorced, remarried and widowed and remarried in his 80s to his third wife! If you want to, you will. Lots of headaches for all the kids and stepkids is this guy's orbit. But he doesn't care! And that's the point. Why pretend that you do? You want your nurse and purse and your kids don't matter.