Widower dating again & my adult children are not happy about it.

[Anonymous]

I’m 72. My kids are 35 and 39. I was with my wife for 51 years, and she unexpectedly passed in August 2024.

I told my daughter (34 at the time) in February that I wanted to date, maybe get remarried. She said “mom has been gone only 6 months. I personally think it’s too soon but it’s your life, so do what you want. All I ask is that you don’t talk about your dating life with me because it’s too hard and too soon for me right now”.

I had my daughter and my wife’s sister clear out my wife things in September because I told them it’s time to move on. I told her that I was going to put the house up for sale and that I had no ties here anymore so I plan on moving states away. I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of.

Fast forward to this day, I asked her to sit down for a chat. I told her that I’m dating someone, have been for 3 months, she’s special to me, and that she needs to respect her. She asked me what I meant. I told her that when she comes around she needs to be pleasant because my girlfriend is terrified of meeting you and your brother (I’m not sure why. I told my girlfriend that my children are not mean). To which my daughter replied that I can do what I want but she’s not ready to meet her. I told her that was rude. She said her not being ready for something and expressing her boundary isn’t rude. I told her I was going to call her brother. She said she knows he’ll feel the exact same way. I told her that this was a defense mechanism and that this will hurt my girlfriend’s feelings. She then told me that if she’s a decent person she will understand and she’ll be fine.

So, I turned to her and asked, “Are you telling me not date anyone and die alone? Should I just pick out a plot in the backyard?”. She said that she never said not to date but that she just isn’t ready and I’m not going to make her feel guilty for not feeling ready. I told her she should feel guilty. She got of her chair, looked at me and said, “Wxcuse me? What an awful thing to say”. She then left.

It’s as if my kids want me to die alone? I told them no one will replace their mother but they don’t seem to get that. Instead, they just seem like brats when it comes to this. What do I do?

[Anonymous]

Why are you bringing up your will? Would you expect your hypothetical new wife to also change her will to include you? This seems like an odd start to this whole conversation.

[Anonymous]

Are you real or a troll?

If you are real, you are completely disregarding the feelings of your children. Your wife only died around a year ago. They are not ready to move on. You are.

You are being a real jerk by escalating the situation when you ask, "Do you want me to die alone?" No, they are not telling you to die alone. They are telling you they are not ready to meet someone yet. They can't grieve on your accelerated timeline.

And you definitely should make sure you have a trust to have at least some of your money go to your children because some of that money belonged to your dead wife.

Have some compassion, man.

[Anonymous]

It's fine that you are ready to move on and date. It's not fine to shove it down the throat of your kids. They are grown and can feel however they want to feel. You don't need their approval and they certainly don't owe you to meet your new girlfriend.

You need to understand that you are replacing their mother in their eyes and their feelings are valid.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to leave your children alone.

Your kids remember 34-39 years of mom. You found a replacement in 1. Got serious in 3 months. You really don't even know this lady. How long was it between dating your wife and getting married?

You don't have to die alone. Your kids told you they were okay with your dating, just to keep it out of their faces.

What real reason do you have to force this? I think none. You don't have to have holidays all together. You also don't need to marry your girlfriend right now or ever. Your girlfriend doesn't need your children's approval.

Cool your jets. Give your kids another year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

[Anonymous]

It's way too soon to talk to your children about remarriage and wills. Put yourself in their shoes.

It's not too soon to start dating, but you need to compartmentalize for now, and don't force a relationship with your new GF before they are ready. Give it time. It's better for everyone if they are prepared before you make an introduction.

Also, who in their right mind gets remarried at 72? Like, what's the point? Fine to live together, but don't go complicating your estate and end-of-life plans.

[Anonymous]

This is a dysfunctional father for sure. Too bad that the kids lost their mom and now this man is making them feel like orphans.

He tries to control them with his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

My girlfriend is 54.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a dysfunctional father for sure. Too bad that the kids lost their mom and now this man is making them feel like orphans.

He tries to control them with his money.

How am I dysfunctional?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to leave your children alone.

Your kids remember 34-39 years of mom. You found a replacement in 1. Got serious in 3 months. You really don't even know this lady. How long was it between dating your wife and getting married?

You don't have to die alone. Your kids told you they were okay with your dating, just to keep it out of their faces.

What real reason do you have to force this? I think none. You don't have to have holidays all together. You also don't need to marry your girlfriend right now or ever. Your girlfriend doesn't need your children's approval.

Cool your jets. Give your kids another year.

My wife and I were 18 when we met in college. Got engaged at 22. We broke up for two years and eventually married at 27.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a dysfunctional father for sure. Too bad that the kids lost their mom and now this man is making them feel like orphans.

He tries to control them with his money.

Out of curiosity, what money? Isn't the risk here that he pushes his kids too hard and ends up truly dying alone, not just threatening to die alone?

This is why half my estate goes to my kids if I die first. They won't be beholden to my surviving spouse's whims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

My girlfriend is 54.

Yuck!