Widower dating again & my adult children are not happy about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

My girlfriend is 54.

20 yrs than you. LOL. Does your girlfriend not have her own money?

[Anonymous]

Do not remarry. Older women are just after your money. Just live together. Why would you talk about remarrying before you even date?? The only reason to marry is to have children.

If you were married for 51 years, don't you think your children deserve your former wife's savings? I can't imagine a widower giving his former wife of 51 year's lifetime savings to a new wife. You are disinheriting your kids when you don't need to. Just live together and enjoy a girlfriend.

I know so many older men who get remarried, pass away, and then their new wife gets 100% of everything. New wife's kids get everything when she passes away because new wife can change her will.

At the very least, get a prenup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

My girlfriend is 54.

She's hoping you kick the bucket quick so she can get at your retirement accounts. It's the best plan for older women who haven't saved enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not remarry. Older women are just after your money. Just live together. Why would you talk about remarrying before you even date?? The only reason to marry is to have children.

If you were married for 51 years, don't you think your children deserve your former wife's savings? I can't imagine a widower giving his former wife of 51 year's lifetime savings to a new wife. You are disinheriting your kids when you don't need to. Just live together and enjoy a girlfriend.

I know so many older men who get remarried, pass away, and then their new wife gets 100% of everything. New wife's kids get everything when she passes away because new wife can change her will.

At the very least, get a prenup.

But he wants to give his new wife his money. My guess is that because why else would a 54 year old woman date him if not for his money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

My girlfriend is 54.

She's hoping you kick the bucket quick so she can get at your retirement accounts. It's the best plan for older women who haven't saved enough.

Yep and she sees a pot of gold for her two kids too. Especially since OP is getting frustrated with his own kids. She’s hoping he will cut them out completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a dysfunctional father for sure. Too bad that the kids lost their mom and now this man is making them feel like orphans.

He tries to control them with his money.

How am I dysfunctional?

You’re dysfunctional because you can’t see that your children are grieving their mother. Your DD told you if you want to date, fine, just don’t include her. Yet you’re trying to push your much younger girlfriend of a few months onto them. Your kids are adults and may never desire to develop a relationship with this or any other woman.

You’re ridiculous to keep discussing dying alone. Your children will be by your side forever. But if you choose to have another companion that’s fine, but that’s also your choice. They have no desire to have a relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are an a$$. And I say that as a young-ish widow who started dating less than a year after my DH died.

You don't have to die alone and you absolutely can date. What you should not be doing is planning to leave money to a hypothetical person instead of your children. The fact that you already told your children that you will prioritize someone you hadn't met yet above them says all they need to know about you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

My girlfriend is 54.

She's hoping you kick the bucket quick so she can get at your retirement accounts. It's the best plan for older women who haven't saved enough.

And if she does not want to be with you without official marriage - you don’t want her in your life. Because she does not want YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are an a$$. And I say that as a young-ish widow who started dating less than a year after my DH died.

You don't have to die alone and you absolutely can date. What you should not be doing is planning to leave money to a hypothetical person instead of your children. The fact that you already told your children that you will prioritize someone you hadn't met yet above them says all they need to know about you.

Where did you get that I prioritized her over my kids?

[Anonymous]

Why on earth would you bring up your will? Are you holding it over your son and daughter's heads? Is that all you have to lure them into a relationship with some random person? Also, if your girlfriend of 3 months is the one bringing up the will--RUN! No one said you couldn't date. Just don't be an a$$ about it.

Your daughter sounds very patient. I would have told you where you can shove your money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP if you are real you are a very childish, or very controlling, 70-something man.

Nobody said you have to die alone (although we all do), or that you cannot date. You ARE dating, for pity’s sake.

You just don’t get to control your adult children and their feelings about it.

Keep dating your lady friend. Marry her if you want. Don’t expect your kids to want a close relationship with her. Maybe they never will, what difference does it make? What matters is that you’re not alone, right?

I have little doubt you will eventually disinherit your kids because it’s all about control for you. Good for you.

OP sounds like a first class jerk.

As for the will, OP ... how about giving the 50% of the marital assets earned during your marriage to wife#1 to your kids? After all - if you would have divorced your 1st wife, she would have got the 50%. Then, live on your 50% and give everything you earn in the future to your wife#2 and her children. That way you can cut off all relationship with the children of your first wife. You are certainly not acting like a dad to them. Also, if you will not have children with the 2nd wife, why do you need to marry her?

BTW - how old is your wife #2? Hope you are not being led by your pecker. You seem to be a horrid and mean man.

I haven’t quite figured out how I’d divide my assets. I kept most of my wife’s life insurance money (gave them 3k a piece), so I’ll give them more once I die. Without really sitting and really planning I told my daughter I would leave all of social security to my new wife and the rest to my children. This may obviously change. If I marry my girlfriend she has two children as well.

Your inheritance is…social security?

[Anonymous]

I can see why OP is frustrated. At 72, you probably feel a ticking clock and his DD is being vague about timing. Though, OP is combative in response.

However, I agree with PPs that this woman will want your money and screw over your kids. Happened to us, exact same age difference.

If you really care about them, you won't marry or will give them your wife's estate now.

[Anonymous]

OP, why was it on your daughter and your wife's sister to go her things— why didn’t you take part?

People grieve differently and your children have lost their mother. What do you “need” from them that you will get from forcing them to meet a woman you are dating? Why are you seeking their validation?

I assume your estate is modest if you gave them $3,000 of your wife’s life insurance. If you are truly trying to make them feel confident you are not planning on gifting their mothers legacy to a stranger, create a family trust. Otherwise, yes, it looks like everything your wife helped build in the expectation it was going to her children may be lost to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m 72. My kids are 35 and 39. I was with my wife for 51 years, and she unexpectedly passed in August 2024.

I told my daughter (34 at the time) in February that I wanted to date, maybe get remarried. She said “mom has been gone only 6 months. I personally think it’s too soon but it’s your life, so do what you want. All I ask is that you don’t talk about your dating life with me because it’s too hard and too soon for me right now”.

I had my daughter and my wife’s sister clear out my wife things in September because I told them it’s time to move on. I told her that I was going to put the house up for sale and that I had no ties here anymore so I plan on moving states away. I reiterated that I wanted to get married again and that if I do, I’ll change my will to include my new wife but that she and her brother will be taken care of.

Fast forward to this day, I asked her to sit down for a chat. I told her that I’m dating someone, have been for 3 months, she’s special to me, and that she needs to respect her. She asked me what I meant. I told her that when she comes around she needs to be pleasant because my girlfriend is terrified of meeting you and your brother (I’m not sure why. I told my girlfriend that my children are not mean). To which my daughter replied that I can do what I want but she’s not ready to meet her. I told her that was rude. She said her not being ready for something and expressing her boundary isn’t rude. I told her I was going to call her brother. She said she knows he’ll feel the exact same way. I told her that this was a defense mechanism and that this will hurt my girlfriend’s feelings. She then told me that if she’s a decent person she will understand and she’ll be fine.

So, I turned to her and asked, “Are you telling me not date anyone and die alone? Should I just pick out a plot in the backyard?”. She said that she never said not to date but that she just isn’t ready and I’m not going to make her feel guilty for not feeling ready. I told her she should feel guilty. She got of her chair, looked at me and said, “Wxcuse me? What an awful thing to say”. She then left.

It’s as if my kids want me to die alone? I told them no one will replace their mother but they don’t seem to get that. Instead, they just seem like brats when it comes to this. What do I do?

Your dd actually sounds like a very mature, sensitive and grounded person. She literally told you it's fine for you to date so where do you get the "my kids want me to die alone" part? You want your dd to let you feel and do whatever you want, and she agrees to all of that. Then you don't extend the same respect to her at ALL and want to force her to do things she doesn't want to do and feel ways she doesn't feel. It's completely unfair.

And I'd be very careful with anything financial when it comes to this. There are too many stories of opportunistic younger second wives with greedy kids swooping in and damaging both relationships between first marriage kids AND finances. The harsh reality of this is you've known this woman for 3 months and you are an older, vulnerable man clearly desperate for fast, serious companionship. So you should be careful for everyone's sake, including your own. And your dd is right: the right woman would absolutely understand your kids' reticence over all this and have empathy and patience. So pay close attention to how your girlfriend handles it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to leave your children alone.

Your kids remember 34-39 years of mom. You found a replacement in 1. Got serious in 3 months. You really don't even know this lady. How long was it between dating your wife and getting married?

You don't have to die alone. Your kids told you they were okay with your dating, just to keep it out of their faces.

What real reason do you have to force this? I think none. You don't have to have holidays all together. You also don't need to marry your girlfriend right now or ever. Your girlfriend doesn't need your children's approval.

Cool your jets. Give your kids another year.

+1
I was your daughter some years back. Almost to the same age and the same amount of time my mom and dad were married before my mom died.
About a year after my mom's death my dad became very serious about a woman in a very short time. In other words, he didn't "date". He met someone and moved on. There is a difference but that is not what I want to say here.
My dad suddenly had this "that was that [his past life] and I deserve this now" attitude that was so different from the man I knew as my father, a man who always put his family first. He was acting so differently perhaps because on some level he was nervous about all the changes too? But this "new dad" scared me and people become defensive when they are scared.
OP, your daughter is scared. She does not want to lose her father as well as her mother and while you will undoubtedly deny doing so, I am willing to bet that you are acting differently and in a way that is unfamiliar to her.
OP, please flip your script. Yes, you should not "die alone". Your children do not want you to be alone. But maybe try to not make this new relationship and the new life you are striving towards all about you right now. Please first think -- and I mean really think -- about what your children need right now. Yes, they are adults but they are your children and they still need you to be their dad. You are still their parent and you still have a responsibility to them. So flip the script and instead of coming at them about "me, me, me" try to communicate these changes you are wanting by recognizing that this is a lot for them to adjust too. That you will always be their dad and that you will always love their mom. Instead, I hear your language to your daughter as being more of a "hey, its my turn now" and that is not the kind of team building that is needed. If my dad had done just a bit of that, I would have instantly recognized his intentions and felt better about all that was happening.

Oh, and there was no way on this good earth that you should have brought up your Will at this time. Your poor daughter. Way to throw everything at her at once. So unfair and a big failure on your part there and I feel you owe your daughter an apology. Let your kids process what is going on in your life one step at a time. You owe them at least that.