Is dating just a means to an end for 50+ men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here, that hasnt been my experience at all. My 2 cents:

1- She needs to do a better job of vetting men before she goes out on dates. Get to know them a bit first before agreeing to meet. Make it a little harder for them to get your precious time. The ones who arent interested in even a phone call before a date will see themselves to the door.

2- Along those lines, the men who discuss sex within the first few messages are saying who they are loud and clear. Dont entertain them.

3- Is she only going for super hot men? Slick dudes? Dudes super into appearance (yeH, yeah, I know its Miami). Imho you can tell by a mans profile pics/profile content what he is looking for.

Thank you.

Now that you mention it, #3 might be most of the problem. She was married to a very attractive, but very nice man. I think she doesn’t have good player radar.

After age 50, a man who is good looking and capable of having sex has his choice of women.

lol no. Even at that age, every woman on the apps is juggling at least five other guys in addition to you, and she will drop you instantly if she thinks a better deal is available. This is especially true of the desirable women whom you (the good looking and capable man) would naturally choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dating a means to an end for men of all ages?

And women too. They're on the apps because they want to get something out of it. Nothing wrong with that.

What are the main things they want to “get out of it?

What are these “means to an end” you cliche on about?

Pls provide examples - separate ones or ones that overlap.

Well duh it depends on the woman, could be many things. But if she's on the apps then presumably the minimum she wants to get out of it are... dates with men.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, is your friend actually asking men directly what they are looking for when they first start messaging? I know that society historically tells us that women aren't supposed to ask that as to appear too needy and scare a man off, but a man who is looking for a relationship will be honest and say so. A man looking for a hookup may be honest and say so, or he might say he doesnt know what he is looking for, he just wants to wait and see what happens, depends on the woman, etc.

Conversely, is she putting out “just want to have fun” vibes either in her pics or profile or both? If she wants a relationship she needs to own it. The fact that many of her first dates are dancing leads me to believe that she is portraying herself as a party girl/doesnt want anything serious.

Fwiw, I have a good male friend in ftlaud/miami who met his long-term gf on old. They are both normal people (albeit tan and in shape, he much moreso before he moved to S Florida) who found each other. It can happen!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a newly divorced man in his 50s, I ll say she is better off with a much younger man since she is only 50. A lot of divorced men in their 50s such as myself are often squeezed to the max financially between alimony child support and college tuition expenses etc.

I think she will have a better experience is she stays in the bracket 35-45.

To answer your question since I really can't offer a woman who is seeking a serious relationship anything given how squeezed I am financially and also being an executive in my mid 50s, I just date casually and expect sex as soon as possible. And I am upfront about it, I won't lie to any woman. Sure I make $425k, but I have 3 kids in college and ex-wife to support. So relationship is just not reasonable.

This resonates as I have a single friend in her late forties, and she noticed a pattern that single divorced dads between 45-55 with more than one kid in high school or college were not "dateable" for her because they were generally too short on time and money. This friend isn't particularly attractive - think slightly overweight, not a great sense of style, poor posture, so dating younger wasn't an easy option. She's settled into hardly dating and spending time with friends instead. That said, I have another friend about the same age who is married and not looking, but she's outgoing and beautiful (tall, thin/athletic, long legs, long hair), and all her son's teenage friends love her, along with many other guys. So, like all things, dating younger depends on the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, is your friend actually asking men directly what they are looking for when they first start messaging? I know that society historically tells us that women aren't supposed to ask that as to appear too needy and scare a man off, but a man who is looking for a relationship will be honest and say so. A man looking for a hookup may be honest and say so, or he might say he doesnt know what he is looking for, he just wants to wait and see what happens, depends on the woman, etc.

Conversely, is she putting out “just want to have fun” vibes either in her pics or profile or both? If she wants a relationship she needs to own it. The fact that many of her first dates are dancing leads me to believe that she is portraying herself as a party girl/doesnt want anything serious.

Fwiw, I have a good male friend in ftlaud/miami who met his long-term gf on old. They are both normal people (albeit tan and in shape, he much moreso before he moved to S Florida) who found each other. It can happen!!

I had just gotten out of a long-term, unhappy relationship when I met DH, and I was putting out fun-only vibes. I had no interest in commitment, exclusivity, or expectations of any kind. It drove him crazy. He was ready to get married in 3 months, but we waited. Maybe if your cousin tries taking off the pressure and dating for fun with no expectations, she will find what she is looking for in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily (re)married so I haven’t dated in well over a decade, but my cousin is newly divorced and very confounded by feedback she’s gotten as she ventures “out there”.

She’s an attractive 50 year old who looks younger, is fit, and dresses fashionably without being ridiculous. She’s well-educated, well-travelled, and successful in her career. She has pretty standard hobbies and interests.

She has one adult child in the military who hasn’t lived at home since he left for boot camp five years ago. And one very chill medium sized dog.

There’s no drama with her ex. He was wanted to live in his native country after their son left the nest. She did not. The pandemic kept them apart for over a year. After trying to revive things long distance for a few years, they amicably separated. She never bad mouths him. He doesn’t pay alimony or anything.

She expects to split the expenses of dating.

I say all this to explain that I am also confused by the feedback she is getting from both dates and a dating coach. She’s being told that the getting to know you activities on dates don’t matter to men over 50. They prefer first date sex and if it’s a good experience, they’ll invest time in a second date.

If this is true, it seems like a considerable acceleration from the third date norm when I was last dating. I asked DH about his few single friends’ expectations. He said expecting and getting are two different things and most of them are smart enough to not write off a good woman simply because she didn’t sleep with them on the first date. My single brother said that the dynamics are weird where he lives because older single men considerably outnumber older single women.

If you are dating, is it really like that?

I wouldn't do that (50+ guy). I actually would like to know the lady first.

[Anonymous]

I’m a 40sF who dates men from 25-55.

She needs to fire her dating coach. Do some men want sex on the first date? Yes. Are there men who don’t? Also yes. At no point should she ever sleep with a man just to try to keep him.

She needs to get clear on what she wants and what she will and won’t do. For example, I’m very clear and upfront that I am dating for marriage. Sometimes I do sleep with men on a first date if I’m very attracted to them, knowing full well it’s just going to be a good time for us both with zero expectations of a second date. Sometimes I’ll go on 10 dates with a man I’m not attracted to but he has marriage potential, and I won’t sleep with him because the chemistry just doesn’t grow. And everything in between (such as currently sleeping with a man where the sex is ok, good not great, but he loves to spoil me with gifts and trips so it’s fine for now).

She needs to get comfortable with doing whatever SHE wants, not trying to bend to what men want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily (re)married so I haven’t dated in well over a decade, but my cousin is newly divorced and very confounded by feedback she’s gotten as she ventures “out there”.

She’s an attractive 50 year old who looks younger, is fit, and dresses fashionably without being ridiculous. She’s well-educated, well-travelled, and successful in her career. She has pretty standard hobbies and interests.

She has one adult child in the military who hasn’t lived at home since he left for boot camp five years ago. And one very chill medium sized dog.

There’s no drama with her ex. He was wanted to live in his native country after their son left the nest. She did not. The pandemic kept them apart for over a year. After trying to revive things long distance for a few years, they amicably separated. She never bad mouths him. He doesn’t pay alimony or anything.

She expects to split the expenses of dating.

I say all this to explain that I am also confused by the feedback she is getting from both dates and a dating coach. She’s being told that the getting to know you activities on dates don’t matter to men over 50. They prefer first date sex and if it’s a good experience, they’ll invest time in a second date.

If this is true, it seems like a considerable acceleration from the third date norm when I was last dating. I asked DH about his few single friends’ expectations. He said expecting and getting are two different things and most of them are smart enough to not write off a good woman simply because she didn’t sleep with them on the first date. My single brother said that the dynamics are weird where he lives because older single men considerably outnumber older single women.

If you are dating, is it really like that?

Look a small number men on dating apps get like 80% of the matches(or whatever for different sites). These man have endless choices but they only represent like 5% of the men on the site. You can do the numbers- single man, 50ish years old(27% of men 50-60), not over weight(30%), over 6’(14%), makes $100k(16%) and college educated(44%). Now add in 50ish men who want to date someone under 45 and the dating apps pushing the more popular men.

The number go something like this 5% of men on dating apps gets 65% of all the matches, 25% get 80% and 60% of men get no matches. So the top men do great and have an endless options. The rest will be lucky to get one match. The most desirable men are in high demand and the competition is fierce.

I do not think men in the 50’s are pushing for sex on the first date but if it is a lukewarm date they have other options. This applies to the top 10%. The others men are desperate but are not selected. Dating apps, etc are not a great experience for either women or men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily (re)married so I haven’t dated in well over a decade, but my cousin is newly divorced and very confounded by feedback she’s gotten as she ventures “out there”.

She’s an attractive 50 year old who looks younger, is fit, and dresses fashionably without being ridiculous. She’s well-educated, well-travelled, and successful in her career. She has pretty standard hobbies and interests.

She has one adult child in the military who hasn’t lived at home since he left for boot camp five years ago. And one very chill medium sized dog.

There’s no drama with her ex. He was wanted to live in his native country after their son left the nest. She did not. The pandemic kept them apart for over a year. After trying to revive things long distance for a few years, they amicably separated. She never bad mouths him. He doesn’t pay alimony or anything.

She expects to split the expenses of dating.

I say all this to explain that I am also confused by the feedback she is getting from both dates and a dating coach. She’s being told that the getting to know you activities on dates don’t matter to men over 50. They prefer first date sex and if it’s a good experience, they’ll invest time in a second date.

If this is true, it seems like a considerable acceleration from the third date norm when I was last dating. I asked DH about his few single friends’ expectations. He said expecting and getting are two different things and most of them are smart enough to not write off a good woman simply because she didn’t sleep with them on the first date. My single brother said that the dynamics are weird where he lives because older single men considerably outnumber older single women.

If you are dating, is it really like that?

Look a small number men on dating apps get like 80% of the matches(or whatever for different sites). These man have endless choices but they only represent like 5% of the men on the site. You can do the numbers- single man, 50ish years old(27% of men 50-60), not over weight(30%), over 6’(14%), makes $100k(16%) and college educated(44%). Now add in 50ish men who want to date someone under 45 and the dating apps pushing the more popular men.

The number go something like this 5% of men on dating apps gets 65% of all the matches, 25% get 80% and 60% of men get no matches. So the top men do great and have an endless options. The rest will be lucky to get one match. The most desirable men are in high demand and the competition is fierce.

I do not think men in the 50’s are pushing for sex on the first date but if it is a lukewarm date they have other options. This applies to the top 10%. The others men are desperate but are not selected. Dating apps, etc are not a great experience for either women or men.

I think you can remove the over-6-foot requirement for most women and expand the dating pool by a lot. The average height for a woman is 5'6, so anyone over 5'7 is fine for the majority of women. Also, women dating 50+ men are rarely looking to procreate, so genetic factors like height don't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dating a means to an end for men of all ages?

Huh, what end? Somewhere to live with a cook, maid, sx, and social coordinator?

I dunno. No one is giving examples .

They want a dinner date?
They want a lover?
They want a travel buddy?
They want a nurse & a purse?
They want a trophy?
They want someone to fill their time?

Then if they ever move in together they suddenly want a cook, cleaner, scheduler, tv time & sleeper friend.

[Anonymous]

They want marriage, settling down. Not sex. They can’t even get it up at that age!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men dating over 50 want a nurse and a housekeeper. Maybe a social chair. Hard pass.

Cruise director. Go pick a vacation.

[Anonymous]

Married man over 50 here:

While I’m not dating and not in the market, I’ve talked about what I would do if (god forbid) something happened to DW.

First of all, there’s no second marriage. Period. I want to hang out and have fun, which includes sex. If you don’t want those things or you do want to get married, I’m not for you.

Also, a PP is right. Where women had the advantage in their late teens and 20’s, that dynamic slowly shifts in the opposite direction over time and age. While the other PP who says older women are juggling 5 men on the apps may be right about some, I know that’s not universally true.

The endgame isn’t necessarily sex on the first date, but men in their 50’s have greater agency in their choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily (re)married so I haven’t dated in well over a decade, but my cousin is newly divorced and very confounded by feedback she’s gotten as she ventures “out there”.

She’s an attractive 50 year old who looks younger, is fit, and dresses fashionably without being ridiculous. She’s well-educated, well-travelled, and successful in her career. She has pretty standard hobbies and interests.

She has one adult child in the military who hasn’t lived at home since he left for boot camp five years ago. And one very chill medium sized dog.

There’s no drama with her ex. He was wanted to live in his native country after their son left the nest. She did not. The pandemic kept them apart for over a year. After trying to revive things long distance for a few years, they amicably separated. She never bad mouths him. He doesn’t pay alimony or anything.

She expects to split the expenses of dating.

I say all this to explain that I am also confused by the feedback she is getting from both dates and a dating coach. She’s being told that the getting to know you activities on dates don’t matter to men over 50. They prefer first date sex and if it’s a good experience, they’ll invest time in a second date.

If this is true, it seems like a considerable acceleration from the third date norm when I was last dating. I asked DH about his few single friends’ expectations. He said expecting and getting are two different things and most of them are smart enough to not write off a good woman simply because she didn’t sleep with them on the first date. My single brother said that the dynamics are weird where he lives because older single men considerably outnumber older single women.

If you are dating, is it really like that?

Look a small number men on dating apps get like 80% of the matches(or whatever for different sites). These man have endless choices but they only represent like 5% of the men on the site. You can do the numbers- single man, 50ish years old(27% of men 50-60), not over weight(30%), over 6’(14%), makes $100k(16%) and college educated(44%). Now add in 50ish men who want to date someone under 45 and the dating apps pushing the more popular men.

The number go something like this 5% of men on dating apps gets 65% of all the matches, 25% get 80% and 60% of men get no matches. So the top men do great and have an endless options. The rest will be lucky to get one match. The most desirable men are in high demand and the competition is fierce.

I do not think men in the 50’s are pushing for sex on the first date but if it is a lukewarm date they have other options. This applies to the top 10%. The others men are desperate but are not selected. Dating apps, etc are not a great experience for either women or men.

I think you can remove the over-6-foot requirement for most women and expand the dating pool by a lot. The average height for a woman is 5'6, so anyone over 5'7 is fine for the majority of women. Also, women dating 50+ men are rarely looking to procreate, so genetic factors like height don't matter.

Oops. The average height for a woman is 5'4. I don't think there's much, if any, premium for height in the 50-plus category.

[Anonymous]

One man's experience:

I'm 49, low-drama divorced (3 kids), 6'1", trim, no balding, well dressed, make $800k. Currently dating a woman who's 53. We didn't have sex until date 6 or 7. We had intense chemistry from the minute we sat down on the first date (I find her incredibly sexy, and she feels the same about me), but jumping into bed wasn't the priority. I'm not necessarily looking for marriage, but I want a real relationship. I dated some younger women and I felt like the whole experience for them was figuring out whether they were going to have sex with me right off the bat. If I did that, it would only be with someone I found very sexy but not worth trying to develop a serious relationship with.