Is dating just a means to an end for 50+ men?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily (re)married so I haven’t dated in well over a decade, but my cousin is newly divorced and very confounded by feedback she’s gotten as she ventures “out there”.

She’s an attractive 50 year old who looks younger, is fit, and dresses fashionably without being ridiculous. She’s well-educated, well-travelled, and successful in her career. She has pretty standard hobbies and interests.

She has one adult child in the military who hasn’t lived at home since he left for boot camp five years ago. And one very chill medium sized dog.

There’s no drama with her ex. He was wanted to live in his native country after their son left the nest. She did not. The pandemic kept them apart for over a year. After trying to revive things long distance for a few years, they amicably separated. She never bad mouths him. He doesn’t pay alimony or anything.

She expects to split the expenses of dating.

I say all this to explain that I am also confused by the feedback she is getting from both dates and a dating coach. She’s being told that the getting to know you activities on dates don’t matter to men over 50. They prefer first date sex and if it’s a good experience, they’ll invest time in a second date.

If this is true, it seems like a considerable acceleration from the third date norm when I was last dating. I asked DH about his few single friends’ expectations. He said expecting and getting are two different things and most of them are smart enough to not write off a good woman simply because she didn’t sleep with them on the first date. My single brother said that the dynamics are weird where he lives because older single men considerably outnumber older single women.

If you are dating, is it really like that?

Look a small number men on dating apps get like 80% of the matches(or whatever for different sites). These man have endless choices but they only represent like 5% of the men on the site. You can do the numbers- single man, 50ish years old(27% of men 50-60), not over weight(30%), over 6’(14%), makes $100k(16%) and college educated(44%). Now add in 50ish men who want to date someone under 45 and the dating apps pushing the more popular men.

The number go something like this 5% of men on dating apps gets 65% of all the matches, 25% get 80% and 60% of men get no matches. So the top men do great and have an endless options. The rest will be lucky to get one match. The most desirable men are in high demand and the competition is fierce.

I do not think men in the 50’s are pushing for sex on the first date but if it is a lukewarm date they have other options. This applies to the top 10%. The others men are desperate but are not selected. Dating apps, etc are not a great experience for either women or men.

I think you can remove the over-6-foot requirement for most women and expand the dating pool by a lot. The average height for a woman is 5'6, so anyone over 5'7 is fine for the majority of women. Also, women dating 50+ men are rarely looking to procreate, so genetic factors like height don't matter.

Uh, the average height for women is 5'3".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men dating over 50 want a nurse and a housekeeper. Maybe a social chair. Hard pass.

Cruise director. Go pick a vacation.

Men over 50 are just looking for someone to plan their vacations? Now I've heard it all.

[Anonymous]

I have a professional acquaintance who married his third wife in his late fifties. She was within ten years of his age (the last wife was significantly younger, and they were miserable) and shared his favorite hobby, so they had an instant connection. He is very fit, charming, and uber wealthy (think houses, plane), so I guess he had a lot of options, but he didn't want to remain a playboy forever, and when he met a woman who was beautiful, whose only kid was launched, and who shared his main hobby, he proposed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married man over 50 here:

While I’m not dating and not in the market, I’ve talked about what I would do if (god forbid) something happened to DW.

First of all, there’s no second marriage. Period. I want to hang out and have fun, which includes sex. If you don’t want those things or you do want to get married, I’m not for you.

Also, a PP is right. Where women had the advantage in their late teens and 20’s, that dynamic slowly shifts in the opposite direction over time and age. While the other PP who says older women are juggling 5 men on the apps may be right about some, I know that’s not universally true.

The endgame isn’t necessarily sex on the first date, but men in their 50’s have greater agency in their choices.

I’m a 48 y.o. woman, have been on a dating app for about 10 days. After removing the age requirements, I received a lot of likes from the young guys, as young as 19! Today I’m going out with a very athletic and enthusiastic 29 y.o. man, an engineer. Who cares about men in their 50s if they can date someone young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married man over 50 here:

While I’m not dating and not in the market, I’ve talked about what I would do if (god forbid) something happened to DW.

First of all, there’s no second marriage. Period. I want to hang out and have fun, which includes sex. If you don’t want those things or you do want to get married, I’m not for you.

Also, a PP is right. Where women had the advantage in their late teens and 20’s, that dynamic slowly shifts in the opposite direction over time and age. While the other PP who says older women are juggling 5 men on the apps may be right about some, I know that’s not universally true.

The endgame isn’t necessarily sex on the first date, but men in their 50’s have greater agency in their choices.

I’m a 48 y.o. woman, have been on a dating app for about 10 days. After removing the age requirements, I received a lot of likes from the young guys, as young as 19! Today I’m going out with a very athletic and enthusiastic 29 y.o. man, an engineer. Who cares about men in their 50s if they can date someone young.

If that’s what you’re looking for, go for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One man's experience:

I'm 49, low-drama divorced (3 kids), 6'1", trim, no balding, well dressed, make $800k. Currently dating a woman who's 53. We didn't have sex until date 6 or 7. We had intense chemistry from the minute we sat down on the first date (I find her incredibly sexy, and she feels the same about me), but jumping into bed wasn't the priority. I'm not necessarily looking for marriage, but I want a real relationship. I dated some younger women and I felt like the whole experience for them was figuring out whether they were going to have sex with me right off the bat. If I did that, it would only be with someone I found very sexy but not worth trying to develop a serious relationship with.

That is reassuring. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Not first date sex, but yes, it is very accelerated. Men will want sex on a second or third date. I am 47. I only date younger men for logistics reasons (I have dated 25-50 and it is all the same). It is different than the last time she dated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married man over 50 here:

While I’m not dating and not in the market, I’ve talked about what I would do if (god forbid) something happened to DW.

First of all, there’s no second marriage. Period. I want to hang out and have fun, which includes sex. If you don’t want those things or you do want to get married, I’m not for you.

Also, a PP is right. Where women had the advantage in their late teens and 20’s, that dynamic slowly shifts in the opposite direction over time and age. While the other PP who says older women are juggling 5 men on the apps may be right about some, I know that’s not universally true.

The endgame isn’t necessarily sex on the first date, but men in their 50’s have greater agency in their choices.

I'm 47. It is true for me. It is ridiculous. There are people I have met once or twice, not slept with, and circle back years later to see if I have changed my mind. It is crazy. If you are attractive, there are tons of options (I am not talking about marriage...just dating...I would never ever remarry). All the men are 10-20 years younger than me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, is your friend actually asking men directly what they are looking for when they first start messaging? I know that society historically tells us that women aren't supposed to ask that as to appear too needy and scare a man off, but a man who is looking for a relationship will be honest and say so. A man looking for a hookup may be honest and say so, or he might say he doesnt know what he is looking for, he just wants to wait and see what happens, depends on the woman, etc.

Conversely, is she putting out “just want to have fun” vibes either in her pics or profile or both? If she wants a relationship she needs to own it. The fact that many of her first dates are dancing leads me to believe that she is portraying herself as a party girl/doesnt want anything serious.

Fwiw, I have a good male friend in ftlaud/miami who met his long-term gf on old. They are both normal people (albeit tan and in shape, he much moreso before he moved to S Florida) who found each other. It can happen!!

My cousin. I think she just wants to get her feet wet. She was with one man her entire adult life with only a few teenage boyfriends before that.

Her profile includes a photo of her in a bikini, which surprised me but she said everyone wears bikinis there. It isn’t a sexy shot, just showing that she isn’t out of shape, but maybe it’s attracting men who only want sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m happily (re)married so I haven’t dated in well over a decade, but my cousin is newly divorced and very confounded by feedback she’s gotten as she ventures “out there”.

She’s an attractive 50 year old who looks younger, is fit, and dresses fashionably without being ridiculous. She’s well-educated, well-travelled, and successful in her career. She has pretty standard hobbies and interests.

She has one adult child in the military who hasn’t lived at home since he left for boot camp five years ago. And one very chill medium sized dog.

There’s no drama with her ex. He was wanted to live in his native country after their son left the nest. She did not. The pandemic kept them apart for over a year. After trying to revive things long distance for a few years, they amicably separated. She never bad mouths him. He doesn’t pay alimony or anything.

She expects to split the expenses of dating.

I say all this to explain that I am also confused by the feedback she is getting from both dates and a dating coach. She’s being told that the getting to know you activities on dates don’t matter to men over 50. They prefer first date sex and if it’s a good experience, they’ll invest time in a second date.

If this is true, it seems like a considerable acceleration from the third date norm when I was last dating. I asked DH about his few single friends’ expectations. He said expecting and getting are two different things and most of them are smart enough to not write off a good woman simply because she didn’t sleep with them on the first date. My single brother said that the dynamics are weird where he lives because older single men considerably outnumber older single women.

If you are dating, is it really like that?

Look a small number men on dating apps get like 80% of the matches(or whatever for different sites). These man have endless choices but they only represent like 5% of the men on the site. You can do the numbers- single man, 50ish years old(27% of men 50-60), not over weight(30%), over 6’(14%), makes $100k(16%) and college educated(44%). Now add in 50ish men who want to date someone under 45 and the dating apps pushing the more popular men.

The number go something like this 5% of men on dating apps gets 65% of all the matches, 25% get 80% and 60% of men get no matches. So the top men do great and have an endless options. The rest will be lucky to get one match. The most desirable men are in high demand and the competition is fierce.

I do not think men in the 50’s are pushing for sex on the first date but if it is a lukewarm date they have other options. This applies to the top 10%. The others men are desperate but are not selected. Dating apps, etc are not a great experience for either women or men.

I think you can remove the over-6-foot requirement for most women and expand the dating pool by a lot. The average height for a woman is 5'6, so anyone over 5'7 is fine for the majority of women. Also, women dating 50+ men are rarely looking to procreate, so genetic factors like height don't matter.

Uh, the average height for women is 5'3".

My cousin is tiny (5’1”) and her XH was maybe 5’6 or 5’7. I’m sure she doesn’t have a 6 ft plus requirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married man over 50 here:

While I’m not dating and not in the market, I’ve talked about what I would do if (god forbid) something happened to DW.

First of all, there’s no second marriage. Period. I want to hang out and have fun, which includes sex. If you don’t want those things or you do want to get married, I’m not for you.

Also, a PP is right. Where women had the advantage in their late teens and 20’s, that dynamic slowly shifts in the opposite direction over time and age. While the other PP who says older women are juggling 5 men on the apps may be right about some, I know that’s not universally true.

The endgame isn’t necessarily sex on the first date, but men in their 50’s have greater agency in their choices.

I’m a 48 y.o. woman, have been on a dating app for about 10 days. After removing the age requirements, I received a lot of likes from the young guys, as young as 19! Today I’m going out with a very athletic and enthusiastic 29 y.o. man, an engineer. Who cares about men in their 50s if they can date someone young.

If that’s what you’re looking for, go for it.

I’m looking for a relationship with an emotionally available man who is my type and cares about me - regardless of his age. The older men I matched with are much slower and less enthusiastic to respond, while the younger guys give a ton of attention and ask a lot of questions.

[Anonymous]

51 divorced F here. others have sort of said this, but she needs to make sure she’s clear about what she wants, and also know how to sort the profiles she sees. Lots of divorced men just want sex for a while (nothing wrong with that!), and if you look at their profiles, it’s not that hard to figure out. They don’t say they are looking for long-term relationships (they either say casual/S/T or are cagey); they don’t offer anything meaningful about themselves or what they are looking for, etc. many of the seemingly desirable ones fit into this category because they are enjoying the sex.

If she is looking for a relationship, she should look for men that have put some thought into their profiles, and she should respond to men who appear to have read hers, not just looked at her pictures. She should have enough info in hers to start a real conversation, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, is your friend actually asking men directly what they are looking for when they first start messaging? I know that society historically tells us that women aren't supposed to ask that as to appear too needy and scare a man off, but a man who is looking for a relationship will be honest and say so. A man looking for a hookup may be honest and say so, or he might say he doesnt know what he is looking for, he just wants to wait and see what happens, depends on the woman, etc.

Conversely, is she putting out “just want to have fun” vibes either in her pics or profile or both? If she wants a relationship she needs to own it. The fact that many of her first dates are dancing leads me to believe that she is portraying herself as a party girl/doesnt want anything serious.

Fwiw, I have a good male friend in ftlaud/miami who met his long-term gf on old. They are both normal people (albeit tan and in shape, he much moreso before he moved to S Florida) who found each other. It can happen!!

My cousin. I think she just wants to get her feet wet. She was with one man her entire adult life with only a few teenage boyfriends before that.

Her profile includes a photo of her in a bikini, which surprised me but she said everyone wears bikinis there. It isn’t a sexy shot, just showing that she isn’t out of shape, but maybe it’s attracting men who only want sex.

Ya, I'd take down the bikini pic. Having a nice full-body shot accomplishes the same thing but doesn't run the risk of sending the wrong signal.

[Anonymous]

Her profile includes a photo of her in a bikini, which surprised me but she said everyone wears bikinis there. It isn’t a sexy shot, just showing that she isn’t out of shape, but maybe it’s attracting men who only want sex.

A bikini is fine, men typically want a full body shot to make sure you aren’t fat, but what else is in there? If it’s just pictures, she’s asking for people who are only interested in physical attraction. If she puts down interests, and what she’s looking for, she gives people who might be interested for other reasons a way to connect. And the ones that start with “hey beautiful” are telling her they didn’t read it and just want sex

[Anonymous]

Fire the dating coach immediately. Men of ALL ages would love it if they could have sex on the first date. That is irrelevant to her.

She needs to screen men's profiles and their app chats to rule out the ones who are not exclusively looking for a LTR. No point in responding to a man who includes anything but LTR in his profile. ANY mention of anything sexual rules out a man. Same for any of his comments before they've met in real life. She needs to avoid going dancing as a first date. That's not an environment where you can hear one another talking. It's purely a way to assess whether you feel like sleeping together.

Under no condition should she sleep with someone without testing and exclusivity, for her own safety. Getting herpes from a ONS at her age will seriously screw up her dating prospects.