Is dating just a means to an end for 50+ men?

[Anonymous]

Isn't dating always a means to an end for all of us? What "end" differs, but always a means to an end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gross. These 50+ women banging guys my son’s age. I’m 55 and my nephews are mid 20s-30, mine are 20 and 17.

Yuck. Just yuck.

And “they own homes”….so they are going to be in their 30s, 40s with a 60/70 year old woman if you make it something more?

Sorry, no apps. Then again, these women belong to the apps on a weird pedo fk fest.

Normal people can work IRL. Meet through colleagues and co-workers and friends….

It is not easy to date IRL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Isn't dating a means to an end for men of all ages?

And women too. They're on the apps because they want to get something out of it. Nothing wrong with that.

What are the main things they want to “get out of it?

What are these “means to an end” you cliche on about?

Pls provide examples - separate ones or ones that overlap.

A means to an end is an activity or process done in order to accomplish a goal.
Often, the activity itself is not enjoyable or considered important.
The phrase means to an end is used to describe things that a person considers to be necessary to suffer through in order to achieve their ultimate goal.

I’m OP. That is exactly what I meant.

When DH and I were newly dating about a decade ago as roughly forty-somethings, I could tell that he genuinely enjoyed the activities we did. We had a few activities in frequent rotation, but we also challenged each other to find interesting new things to do. If the activity bombed for some reason, we’d ditch it and go walk around or find a place for drinks and talk. We weren’t sleeping together yet.

My cousin says that she feels the men she’s dated have a good time right up until it is time to part ways for the night. At that point, she gets the feedback that sex was expected although it’s the first date. She’s been careful to split date costs to avoid a sense that she owes them something.

She is dating losers.

Either she is sending or missing signals being sent.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I’m a 40sF who dates men from 25-55.

She needs to fire her dating coach. Do some men want sex on the first date? Yes. Are there men who don’t? Also yes. At no point should she ever sleep with a man just to try to keep him.

She needs to get clear on what she wants and what she will and won’t do. For example, I’m very clear and upfront that I am dating for marriage. Sometimes I do sleep with men on a first date if I’m very attracted to them, knowing full well it’s just going to be a good time for us both with zero expectations of a second date. Sometimes I’ll go on 10 dates with a man I’m not attracted to but he has marriage potential, and I won’t sleep with him because the chemistry just doesn’t grow. And everything in between (such as currently sleeping with a man where the sex is ok, good not great, but he loves to spoil me with gifts and trips so it’s fine for now).

She needs to get comfortable with doing whatever SHE wants, not trying to bend to what men want.

As a 45 years old woman tell me about your dating experience dating a man who is 25 ie 20 years younger. Besides sex which we all is obviously amazing, what else is exciting about dating a 25 years old man?

Pure speculation, but you'd get high energy, openness, less cynicism more optimism, more fun-loving and not yet weighed down by life.

Exactly. The optimism is truly refreshing.

So true! I’m the PP that just came back from a date with a young man. Another 26 y.o. man is planning a date at a restaurant with me and texted tonight: [b]“I’m sure it’ll be a great date! We’ll have a great time and go on more dates in the future”. [/b]

No, he didn't text this because nobody talks like this. You sound crazy.

How do you think you sound? He sounds and looks like a super sweet excited young man, and I quoted precisely what he texted me yesterday evening.

Is English his second language?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A DATE is the means to a…. Free dinner? Sex? Marriage? Not being bored? Looking like a family guy again? Sex? Get back at ex? Show my adult kids I’m likable and wonderful? Make more babies? Sex? Nurse & a purse? Show mom her son is fantastic and the ex is not.

Good company over dinner or someone to discuss the movie with? Hike with.

Not really an end. Just enhancing your chosen activity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Sex is the most important part of the human experience, so getting to know whether you are compatible there is critical. That said, some level of trust is important, so it depends on the interactions prior to the first date.

I totally disagree with your initial premise .

Would you leave someone you loved if their medical condition prevented them from having sex?

NP and a woman, but I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that it is much more common for men to leave their wife when she is diagnosed with cancer or other debilitating disease. Here's a source: https://www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2009/11/sickness-and-health.html

I do believe that most men, unless elderly, would not happily remain in a relationship without sex, and would move on if possible in their specific situation.

That is very sad.

It is very hard to retain equal respect for males, the longer I am on this planet.

(They really are inferior beings.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos. Funny how triggering that was for some people (and happy to see other women who also date younger! Life is too short to not go after what you want).

To address what people have brought up:

1. I know 25 year olds will bang anything. Who cares? I’m way past needing to prove my worth through getting commitment/marriage from a man. Men typically aren’t that picky about who they marry so I don’t see commitment as a good indicator of one’s value.

2. Yes, I often pay. Again, I don’t need a man’s money to prove my worth. I already earn more money than most men. My priorities with men are physical attractiveness, charisma, and playfulness. I want to have fun, not get free meals. If a guy pays (and many do because they get their own validation from it), great. If not, no problem, I’d rather pay for a weekend getaway with a guy who has a six pack than go on a free trip with a guy with a potbelly.

I do like to go on a lot of last minute trips when my kids are with their dad (last week went to Laguna Beach), so I like someone who has the flexibility to accompany me. That’s usually younger men. A 55 year old attorney with 3 kids can’t do what I want to do.

3. I don’t find it hollow or meaningless. I’m well past needing “true love” to feel fulfilled and statistics show married women are the unhappiest. I can still have feelings for the men I date and vice versa - there *is* affection, care, tenderness, etc. Usually more than men give once in a LTR, and they stop trying because they “got” her. One of the men I’m dating is 30, literally spends hours kissing my body all over, after sex we’ll cuddle and talk for 1-2 hours, and we say ILY to each other because we do love each other, but not in the “get married and have kids” way. WAY better than a 50yo who will struggle to get it up, doesn’t know what foreplay is, and immediately rolls over to go to sleep.

It’s not for everyone, and I’m not saying all women should do this. Everyone should do what is right for them. And right now, settling down with a 50-something man is definitely not right for me. Maybe one day, but not today.

I don’t disagree with any of this- other than why 25? I’m 49 and have found around 40-45 to be my sweet spot. My son is 19- I don’t know any 25 year olds who own homes and have the means to spontaneously travel to Laguna for the weekend. At 25 most of them are going to engagement parties and starting careers not cougaring off to Laguna for string free sex with older women. I like younger men because I don’t want to deal with ED issues-I’m not in it for marriage so chemistry is critical.

I take no offense to any of your points, they’re all valid, you’re just insisting that you like very very young men and I find it a bit strange- just like I would with a single midlife man who insists 20 year olds women are “better”.

[Anonymous]

I’m a 56 year old male and I never expect or ask for sex on a first date. I am surprised by how many women offer it on a first date. I’m a decent looking guy but I’m no Brad Pitt so I don’t have that going for me. I take up the offer about half the time if I’m attracted to her. My assumption is that these women have lacked sex for a long time and have their needs. I didn’t sleep with my current GF until our fifth date and the wait was well worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DATE is the means to a…. Free dinner? Sex? Marriage? Not being bored? Looking like a family guy again? Sex? Get back at ex? Show my adult kids I’m likable and wonderful? Make more babies? Sex? Nurse & a purse? Show mom her son is fantastic and the ex is not.

Good company over dinner or someone to discuss the movie with? Hike with.

Not really an end. Just enhancing your chosen activity.

Exactly! Has everything become either transactional or about self-affirmation? Don’t people still do things for the things own sake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos. Funny how triggering that was for some people (and happy to see other women who also date younger! Life is too short to not go after what you want).

To address what people have brought up:

1. I know 25 year olds will bang anything. Who cares? I’m way past needing to prove my worth through getting commitment/marriage from a man. Men typically aren’t that picky about who they marry so I don’t see commitment as a good indicator of one’s value.

2. Yes, I often pay. Again, I don’t need a man’s money to prove my worth. I already earn more money than most men. My priorities with men are physical attractiveness, charisma, and playfulness. I want to have fun, not get free meals. If a guy pays (and many do because they get their own validation from it), great. If not, no problem, I’d rather pay for a weekend getaway with a guy who has a six pack than go on a free trip with a guy with a potbelly.

I do like to go on a lot of last minute trips when my kids are with their dad (last week went to Laguna Beach), so I like someone who has the flexibility to accompany me. That’s usually younger men. A 55 year old attorney with 3 kids can’t do what I want to do.

3. I don’t find it hollow or meaningless. I’m well past needing “true love” to feel fulfilled and statistics show married women are the unhappiest. I can still have feelings for the men I date and vice versa - there *is* affection, care, tenderness, etc. Usually more than men give once in a LTR, and they stop trying because they “got” her. One of the men I’m dating is 30, literally spends hours kissing my body all over, after sex we’ll cuddle and talk for 1-2 hours, and we say ILY to each other because we do love each other, but not in the “get married and have kids” way. WAY better than a 50yo who will struggle to get it up, doesn’t know what foreplay is, and immediately rolls over to go to sleep.

It’s not for everyone, and I’m not saying all women should do this. Everyone should do what is right for them. And right now, settling down with a 50-something man is definitely not right for me. Maybe one day, but not today.

I don’t disagree with any of this- other than why 25? I’m 49 and have found around 40-45 to be my sweet spot. My son is 19- I don’t know any 25 year olds who own homes and have the means to spontaneously travel to Laguna for the weekend. At 25 most of them are going to engagement parties and starting careers not cougaring off to Laguna for string free sex with older women. I like younger men because I don’t want to deal with ED issues-I’m not in it for marriage so chemistry is critical.

I take no offense to any of your points, they’re all valid, you’re just insisting that you like very very young men and I find it a bit strange- just like I would with a single midlife man who insists 20 year olds women are “better”.

PP. I date from 25-45. Next month I'm going on a trip with a 43yo man I've been dating.

It's not about age as much as: I want someone with a 6 pack and a full head of hair, who is fun to be around, has stamina in bed, and can go on spontaneous trips and dates. That rules out most 40s men. I don't think any particular group of men is better than others, but some don't align with what I want at this point in time.

[Anonymous]

52 year old woman here and I’ve been divorced for eight years. Only once have I had sex with a guy on the first date and that was because he was a real Adonis and I couldn’t resist. Sadly, he had nothing to offer beyond his body.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 40sF who dates men from 25-55.

She needs to fire her dating coach. Do some men want sex on the first date? Yes. Are there men who don’t? Also yes. At no point should she ever sleep with a man just to try to keep him.

She needs to get clear on what she wants and what she will and won’t do. For example, I’m very clear and upfront that I am dating for marriage. Sometimes I do sleep with men on a first date if I’m very attracted to them, knowing full well it’s just going to be a good time for us both with zero expectations of a second date. Sometimes I’ll go on 10 dates with a man I’m not attracted to but he has marriage potential, and I won’t sleep with him because the chemistry just doesn’t grow. And everything in between (such as currently sleeping with a man where the sex is ok, good not great, but he loves to spoil me with gifts and trips so it’s fine for now).

She needs to get comfortable with doing whatever SHE wants, not trying to bend to what men want.

As a 45 years old woman tell me about your dating experience dating a man who is 25 ie 20 years younger. Besides sex which we all is obviously amazing, what else is exciting about dating a 25 years old man?

Pure speculation, but you'd get high energy, openness, less cynicism more optimism, more fun-loving and not yet weighed down by life.

Exactly. The optimism is truly refreshing.

So true! I’m the PP that just came back from a date with a young man. Another 26 y.o. man is planning a date at a restaurant with me and texted tonight: [b]“I’m sure it’ll be a great date! We’ll have a great time and go on more dates in the future”. [/b]

No, he didn't text this because nobody talks like this. You sound crazy.

How do you think you sound? He sounds and looks like a super sweet excited young man, and I quoted precisely what he texted me yesterday evening.

Is English his second language?

No. He is originally from MA and is quite well-spoken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos.”

When I was 25, I would have considered dating a 40yo weird and creepy. Ewww, grandma. Never knew a guy my age who dated that old - would have thought he was a loser who couldn’t pull girls his own age.

No one cares what you think, Grandpa.

Did you read what PP wrote? She does not give an Eff, and she does not need validation from you.

Well grandma whenever the issue of older men dating younger women comes up, the DCUM women shriek "ewww gross that's age-inappropriate!" and DCUM women can certainly benefit from hearing about the flip side of that coin. You know, because women pride themselves on empathy, which entails understanding how other people think and feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A DATE is the means to a…. Free dinner? Sex? Marriage? Not being bored? Looking like a family guy again? Sex? Get back at ex? Show my adult kids I’m likable and wonderful? Make more babies? Sex? Nurse & a purse? Show mom her son is fantastic and the ex is not.

Good company over dinner or someone to discuss the movie with? Hike with.

Not really an end. Just enhancing your chosen activity.

Don’t you already have other people in your life to do that with? Even people that you feel like you ought to do that stuff with more often but don’t make the time for?

I don’t think many men in their 40’s and 50’s are in the situation that the OP’s friend is in. She basically has the social obligations of a 25 year old again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“ I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos.”

When I was 25, I would have considered dating a 40yo weird and creepy. Ewww, grandma. Never knew a guy my age who dated that old - would have thought he was a loser who couldn’t pull girls his own age.

No one cares what you think, Grandpa.

Did you read what PP wrote? She does not give an Eff, and she does not need validation from you.

Well grandma whenever the issue of older men dating younger women comes up, the DCUM women shriek "ewww gross that's age-inappropriate!" and DCUM women can certainly benefit from hearing about the flip side of that coin. You know, because women pride themselves on empathy, which entails understanding how other people think and feel.

You are preaching to the choir. I read too many Mills and Boons and Harlequin romance novels as a child, and grew up thinking older men were hot. Let OP have her fun!