Is dating just a means to an end for 50+ men?

Anonymous
I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos. Funny how triggering that was for some people (and happy to see other women who also date younger! Life is too short to not go after what you want).

To address what people have brought up:

1. I know 25 year olds will bang anything. Who cares? I’m way past needing to prove my worth through getting commitment/marriage from a man. Men typically aren’t that picky about who they marry so I don’t see commitment as a good indicator of one’s value.

2. Yes, I often pay. Again, I don’t need a man’s money to prove my worth. I already earn more money than most men. My priorities with men are physical attractiveness, charisma, and playfulness. I want to have fun, not get free meals. If a guy pays (and many do because they get their own validation from it), great. If not, no problem, I’d rather pay for a weekend getaway with a guy who has a six pack than go on a free trip with a guy with a potbelly.

I do like to go on a lot of last minute trips when my kids are with their dad (last week went to Laguna Beach), so I like someone who has the flexibility to accompany me. That’s usually younger men. A 55 year old attorney with 3 kids can’t do what I want to do.

3. I don’t find it hollow or meaningless. I’m well past needing “true love” to feel fulfilled and statistics show married women are the unhappiest. I can still have feelings for the men I date and vice versa - there *is* affection, care, tenderness, etc. Usually more than men give once in a LTR, and they stop trying because they “got” her. One of the men I’m dating is 30, literally spends hours kissing my body all over, after sex we’ll cuddle and talk for 1-2 hours, and we say ILY to each other because we do love each other, but not in the “get married and have kids” way. WAY better than a 50yo who will struggle to get it up, doesn’t know what foreplay is, and immediately rolls over to go to sleep.

It’s not for everyone, and I’m not saying all women should do this. Everyone should do what is right for them. And right now, settling down with a 50-something man is definitely not right for me. Maybe one day, but not today.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos. Funny how triggering that was for some people (and happy to see other women who also date younger! Life is too short to not go after what you want).

To address what people have brought up:

1. I know 25 year olds will bang anything. Who cares? I’m way past needing to prove my worth through getting commitment/marriage from a man. Men typically aren’t that picky about who they marry so I don’t see commitment as a good indicator of one’s value.

2. Yes, I often pay. Again, I don’t need a man’s money to prove my worth. I already earn more money than most men. My priorities with men are physical attractiveness, charisma, and playfulness. I want to have fun, not get free meals. If a guy pays (and many do because they get their own validation from it), great. If not, no problem, I’d rather pay for a weekend getaway with a guy who has a six pack than go on a free trip with a guy with a potbelly.

I do like to go on a lot of last minute trips when my kids are with their dad (last week went to Laguna Beach), so I like someone who has the flexibility to accompany me. That’s usually younger men. A 55 year old attorney with 3 kids can’t do what I want to do.

3. I don’t find it hollow or meaningless. I’m well past needing “true love” to feel fulfilled and statistics show married women are the unhappiest. I can still have feelings for the men I date and vice versa - there *is* affection, care, tenderness, etc. Usually more than men give once in a LTR, and they stop trying because they “got” her. One of the men I’m dating is 30, literally spends hours kissing my body all over, after sex we’ll cuddle and talk for 1-2 hours, and we say ILY to each other because we do love each other, but not in the “get married and have kids” way. WAY better than a 50yo who will struggle to get it up, doesn’t know what foreplay is, and immediately rolls over to go to sleep.

It’s not for everyone, and I’m not saying all women should do this. Everyone should do what is right for them. And right now, settling down with a 50-something man is definitely not right for me. Maybe one day, but not today.


Love this, especially #1. Who cares that men are dogs? Older men are dogs too, so why would that stop you from dating younger men if that is who you like? If you are getting what you want and they are getting what they want, that's wonderful!

- Signed, woman who is not attracted to younger men.

Anonymous
Men have checked out. A lot of the men I know are happy to stay single and play poker or whatever with their male buddies on the weekends. Women are no longer worth a lot of heavy effort or investment in their view. Older men in particular who have been burned in a divorce are pretty cynical and just want their peace. Maybe dip into a dating app here and there for some fun, but they're protecting their peace.
Anonymous
“ I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos.”

When I was 25, I would have considered dating a 40yo weird and creepy. Ewww, grandma. Never knew a guy my age who dated that old - would have thought he was a loser who couldn’t pull girls his own age.
Anonymous
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Anonymous wrote:Sex is the most important part of the human experience, so getting to know whether you are compatible there is critical. That said, some level of trust is important, so it depends on the interactions prior to the first date.


I totally disagree with your initial premise .

Would you leave someone you loved if their medical condition prevented them from having sex?


NP and a woman, but I'm sorry to be the one to tell you that it is much more common for men to leave their wife when she is diagnosed with cancer or other debilitating disease. Here's a source: https://www.fredhutch.org/en/news/center-news/2009/11/sickness-and-health.html

I do believe that most men, unless elderly, would not happily remain in a relationship without sex, and would move on if possible in their specific situation.


It’s still only 10% of 20%. That’s a very low number.

So it’s very unusual to abandon a spouse because you’re not having sex.


No, it really isn't.


Because they already abandoned family life and their spouse well before the sex dwindled to nothing.

Sex (within marriage, not ONS or casual) is the output of safe, happy, respectful, connected relationship.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:“ I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos.”

When I was 25, I would have considered dating a 40yo weird and creepy. Ewww, grandma. Never knew a guy my age who dated that old - would have thought he was a loser who couldn’t pull girls his own age.

The 40 y.o. now look much younger than they did when you were 25.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Men have checked out. A lot of the men I know are happy to stay single and play poker or whatever with their male buddies on the weekends. Women are no longer worth a lot of heavy effort or investment in their view. Older men in particular who have been burned in a divorce are pretty cynical and just want their peace. Maybe dip into a dating app here and there for some fun, but they're protecting their peace.


Don’t see that.

See older divorced men pitching themselves as victims of their demanding ex wife, kids, and marriage.

Now they are free, free to love and be loved again! Prove to everyone they are the best! Just like at work!

Rinse and repeat.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:“ I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos.”

When I was 25, I would have considered dating a 40yo weird and creepy. Ewww, grandma. Never knew a guy my age who dated that old - would have thought he was a loser who couldn’t pull girls his own age.

The 40 y.o. now look much younger than they did when you were 25.


This. Gen Z embraced body positivity, which is great, but most are overweight. They also tend to wear clothes, makeup, and hair that ages them quite a bit (along with getting massive amounts of fillers prematurely).

40s women nowadays can look amazing if they workout, get Botox, and style themselves right. I know women who are 50 and look 30 because of the incredible cosmetic work they’ve had done.

Sexual attitudes are also very different for young men nowadays than they were 20-30 years ago. I was pretty shocked when I got back on dating apps in my 40s - MANY younger men are focused on pleasing a woman and find an older woman who knows what she likes and can direct them desirable. When I was in my 20s, men were focused on getting themselves off first and foremost.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Sexual attitudes are also very different for young men nowadays than they were 20-30 years ago. I was pretty shocked when I got back on dating apps in my 40s - MANY younger men are focused on pleasing a woman and find an older woman who knows what she likes and can direct them desirable. When I was in my 20s, men were focused on getting themselves off first and foremost.


No ****, you just have exposure to a much different crowd. Plenty of men your age care about their woman's pleasure first and foremost.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Sexual attitudes are also very different for young men nowadays than they were 20-30 years ago. I was pretty shocked when I got back on dating apps in my 40s - MANY younger men are focused on pleasing a woman and find an older woman who knows what she likes and can direct them desirable. When I was in my 20s, men were focused on getting themselves off first and foremost.


No ****, you just have exposure to a much different crowd. Plenty of men your age care about their woman's pleasure first and foremost.


**** and always have - hit enter too soon
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Sexual attitudes are also very different for young men nowadays than they were 20-30 years ago. I was pretty shocked when I got back on dating apps in my 40s - MANY younger men are focused on pleasing a woman and find an older woman who knows what she likes and can direct them desirable. When I was in my 20s, men were focused on getting themselves off first and foremost.


No ****, you just have exposure to a much different crowd. Plenty of men your age care about their woman's pleasure first and foremost.


I never said men in their 40s/50s don't. I said that when we were that age, men were primarily focused on their own pleasure, which explains partially why they would not have been interested in older women 20 years ago. Young men nowadays are more interested in pleasing women than men of my generation were at 25, so they care less about age.

But nice name calling. Someone's triggered, LOL.
Anonymous
If you’re a woman in your 40s (or 50s I guess) and you want young guys to find you sexy in bed, the most important thing is how smooth your skin and flesh feel to the touch. I once tried to do the deed with a beautiful slim woman of that age when I was 20 but once her clothes were off everything felt so leathery and slack that I had to call it a night.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Sexual attitudes are also very different for young men nowadays than they were 20-30 years ago. I was pretty shocked when I got back on dating apps in my 40s - MANY younger men are focused on pleasing a woman and find an older woman who knows what she likes and can direct them desirable. When I was in my 20s, men were focused on getting themselves off first and foremost.


No ****, you just have exposure to a much different crowd. Plenty of men your age care about their woman's pleasure first and foremost.


I never said men in their 40s/50s don't. I said that when we were that age, men were primarily focused on their own pleasure, which explains partially why they would not have been interested in older women 20 years ago. Young men nowadays are more interested in pleasing women than men of my generation were at 25, so they care less about age.

But nice name calling. Someone's triggered, LOL.


It's not name calling, though they would sensor sh*t - Again the crowd you see on a dating app is different the crowd you met in personal locally in your 20s. I'm saying that those same men were out there, but not advertising it on dating apps like today. Guessing you were in a different point in your life then too, meeting vastly different people.
Anonymous
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Anonymous wrote:I’m a 40sF who dates men from 25-55.

She needs to fire her dating coach. Do some men want sex on the first date? Yes. Are there men who don’t? Also yes. At no point should she ever sleep with a man just to try to keep him.

She needs to get clear on what she wants and what she will and won’t do. For example, I’m very clear and upfront that I am dating for marriage. Sometimes I do sleep with men on a first date if I’m very attracted to them, knowing full well it’s just going to be a good time for us both with zero expectations of a second date. Sometimes I’ll go on 10 dates with a man I’m not attracted to but he has marriage potential, and I won’t sleep with him because the chemistry just doesn’t grow. And everything in between (such as currently sleeping with a man where the sex is ok, good not great, but he loves to spoil me with gifts and trips so it’s fine for now).

She needs to get comfortable with doing whatever SHE wants, not trying to bend to what men want.


As a 45 years old woman tell me about your dating experience dating a man who is 25 ie 20 years younger. Besides sex which we all is obviously amazing, what else is exciting about dating a 25 years old man?


Pure speculation, but you'd get high energy, openness, less cynicism more optimism, more fun-loving and not yet weighed down by life.


Exactly. The optimism is truly refreshing.

So true! I’m the PP that just came back from a date with a young man. Another 26 y.o. man is planning a date at a restaurant with me and texted tonight: “I’m sure it’ll be a great date! We’ll have a great time and go on more
dates in the future”.


I mean- anyone can be someone’s string free fetish. And do your thing- it’s very self
Validating after the blow to one’s ego that divorce offers- but it’s a phase. It’s fluffy and sexy and feels powerful but it’s really just a phase. It’s ultimately purpose serving- if hallow and possibly partially regrettable (especially if you drink. I recommend staying sober for the first year or two or dating just to ensure that whenever you take your clothing off it’s because you want to- not because your sorrow and beer goggles are telling you to.

Get it out of your system now and eventually you’ll tire of young men and taking them places. Once you realize you can just go on vacation and get equally great cock without paying a sidekicks bill- you’ll evolve.

I’ve found it very empowering to know that while I *can* attract younger men with a cougar bent, or validate my self worth by bragging about the ages of my boyfriends- I prefer to take what I want, not what I can get. YMMV. I want an equal partner, not a boy toy, and don’t see boy toys as glory rings to collect and flaunt. Instead I see them as a hollow (delicious) way of scratching a sexual itch.

Well, I have no plans to pay for them. The guys I engage with are college educated, with the good white collar jobs. I’m sure they can pay their own restaurant bills, especially since they were the ones who invited me. I also don’t consider them “boy toys”, they are very smart and self-sufficient men, most of them own their own houses.



“Most of them”- you are dating/have actually met and verified that a majority of the 25 year old (hot athletic educated) llooking to date and pay for dates with 45 year old divorcees are men who own their own homes? That’s extraordinary and off trend given current t home ownership prices and interest rates- only 25 and homeowners with time to online date- this is amazing! Do you live in the DMV?

I’ve met with the two hot, athletic, educated men thus far, 29 and 37 y.o. They do own single family houses, and it’s not in the DMV. The 26 y.o. guy rents a place together with his friend, and he is just super sweet as a person. I’m also about to meet with a 43 y.o., he is divorced and also owns a house. Yesterday I matched with a 32 y.o., also hot, athletic, educated, but don’t know his housing situation yet. I’ve been on the dating app for about ten days thus far, just sharing my experience.


You plan to run a train on both the roommates? Do they call you “mommy”?

I don’t plan on anything yet, besides great conversations and hiking with all of these guys. I haven’t dated anyone yet, since separating from my husband of 24 years earlier this month. These guys are just a nice happy distraction at this moment.


You are very emotionally stunted. Makes sense your level is someone 20 years younger. It’s very weird. I’d assume he was out hiking with his mom. lol
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:“ I’m the 40yo who dates 25yos.”

When I was 25, I would have considered dating a 40yo weird and creepy. Ewww, grandma. Never knew a guy my age who dated that old - would have thought he was a loser who couldn’t pull girls his own age.


No one cares what you think, Grandpa.

Did you read what PP wrote? She does not give an Eff, and she does not need validation from you.
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