Kid Chose Boarding School at Hotchkiss. I'm Torn, Nervous, and Regretting It

[Anonymous]

Parents often lose out on friendships which are made through local private schools where parents socialize and bond through involvement with the local private school and with classmates' parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I may be in the minority, but you’re the parent here. You don’t have to go through this with this. When I was 14, I begged for a dog. My mother put down a deposit on one, and late that day, while we were out shopping, she had me run into a shop. When I got out, she was on the phone canceling the deposit. It’s not quite the same, but I assure you it wasn’t traumatic and my mother knew best about what our family could handle. You don’t have to indulge your 14 year olds desire for boarding school - for so many legitimate reasons. Your kid will get over it. But you do need a backup plan as it sounds like you’ve burned bridges regarding the other options.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

Absolutely correct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These discussions should've been had months ago. You've already accepted your spot there. Just let him have a year in Connecticut.

He will probably love Hotchkiss, by the way. I have experience with the boarding school world, and Hotchkiss is renowned for their close-knit and warm student body and supportive staff. I don't think I've ever met a Hotchkiss alumnus that hated the place. Conversely, I always meet Exeter and Andover alumni that hated their schools.

What about the long-term sexual abuse & rape of Hotchkiss students that is detailed in current lawsuits ?

[Anonymous]

Boarding school grad here. This can go a couple of ways but the one thing it sounds like you have going for you is that your child is leading the process which is so important. The kids who thrive the most at boarding school are the ones who really really want to be there and take the lead in suggesting, pursuing, and asking to attend. The ones who don't are the ones who are pressured into it, who are homesick or nervous more than they are excited, whose families function in a way that is just like "you go to boarding school because that's what we do," or whose parents are too busy to be present parents and choose to send them away early out of convenience or necessity; seen some really disturbing stuff in these regards, some of it subtle but still very serious. Again, this doesn't sound like you.

Another thing that can mess a kid up is the pervasive affluence. Even well-off kids can feel other-ized in the face of families with such grotesque wealth. This really depends on individual circumstances, personalities, and social circles. Of course this can happen in wealther public or private day schools and certainly college, but 4 more years of growth at home is absolutely a buffer against it.

If your child is genuinely 101% on board and you are ok with that, I don't see an issue so long as you are open to changing your mind for the following year should things not go as planned. There is nothing wrong with that, and it will be on you to analyze the situation beyond just what they say about how they feel about their experience. Boarding school is really wonderful for some kids, but I would not even say it's the majority of kids at boarding schools (many of whom do well but will find later in life that maybe there was a sadness about it).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Parents often lose out on friendships which are made through local private schools where parents socialize and bond through involvement with the local private school and with classmates' parents.

How is this a consideration?? What matters is the kid’s friendships and experiences. Parents should not be relying on their kids for their social lives.

Boarding school is not at all on my radar, but if my kid wanted it, got into a school like Hotchkiss, and it was financially doable, I would work with that decision and at least see how it goes for a year, with visits and phone calls and texts of course.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a high conflict home? If so, do boarding school. If not, just stay at home.

[Anonymous]

"Hotchkiss is the one elite boarding school that seems obsessed with money."

Ha! My kid now can spot high end jewelry from a distance based on the logos/watermark/whatever-exclusive-jargon-is-used-for-the-stamp, thanks to her Andover education.

[Anonymous]

At this stage in the game do you even have the option to send DS to one of the local privates (eg did you put a deposit on a local school)? If not, what is your option if he doesn’t go to boarding? Public?

Boarding was not a good option for our family so we did not pursue it for DCs, but we have many family friends who did with a mix of results. The kids who were confident generally and pushed the boarding option have thrived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was admitted to local private schools but also got into Hotchkiss School in Connecticut. We went on the revisit days, and he fell in love with the place. He wanted to go, and we have allowed it and accepted the offer there. However, I am nervous and don't want to lose my 14 year old son this soon. I am feeling like I made a mistake in letting my son pursue boarding school, but it's too late now. Has anyone else experienced this?

Who is in charge of
The education of your kids? If you don’t like the idea don’t do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was admitted to local private schools but also got into Hotchkiss School in Connecticut. We went on the revisit days, and he fell in love with the place. He wanted to go, and we have allowed it and accepted the offer there. However, I am nervous and don't want to lose my 14 year old son this soon. I am feeling like I made a mistake in letting my son pursue boarding school, but it's too late now. Has anyone else experienced this?

Who is in charge of
The education of your kids? If you don’t like the idea don’t do it.

If she put down the deposit and signed a contract, then it is too late.

[Anonymous]

Maybe my views on this are too provincial, but there are so few years left with your kid. I'd never send them away, without some pressing need beyond "what a great opportunity." Opportunity for what, networking with rich people? Similar academics can be had near home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe my views on this are too provincial, but there are so few years left with your kid. I'd never send them away, without some pressing need beyond "what a great opportunity." Opportunity for what, networking with rich people? Similar academics can be had near home.

It is a provincial view, but it happens to be correct.