Kid Chose Boarding School at Hotchkiss. I'm Torn, Nervous, and Regretting It

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

Nah. DH and all his siblings went to boarding school and are all damaged because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son was admitted to local private schools but also got into Hotchkiss School in Connecticut. We went on the revisit days, and he fell in love with the place. He wanted to go, and we have allowed it and accepted the offer there. However, I am nervous and don't want to lose my 14 year old son this soon. I am feeling like I made a mistake in letting my son pursue boarding school, but it's too late now. Has anyone else experienced this?

Take him back. You still have time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

Not remotely envious. I want to be with my kids during their precious few years before they leave home. Weird that you didn't.

+1 there is no rationalizing this decision unless the kid has some kind of special academic need or talent that can only be cultivated there.

[Anonymous]

Depends on your child. Most 14 year old boys aren't ready to manage themselves.

[Anonymous]

OP- are you still here? If so I would suggest you join the Hotchkiss parents Facebook group. There you can get some real advice from actual Hotchkiss parents. It’s a great resource!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

Nah. DH and all his siblings went to boarding school and are all damaged because of it.

You ever wonder if it was genetic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

Not remotely envious. I want to be with my kids during their precious few years before they leave home. Weird that you didn't.

+1 there is no rationalizing this decision unless the kid has some kind of special academic need or talent that can only be cultivated there.

It is messed up you let your teenage 18 year old go off to college, when you should be spending quality time since we all die one day. Shame on your for letting the 18 year old leave home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

Not remotely envious. I want to be with my kids during their precious few years before they leave home. Weird that you didn't.

+1 there is no rationalizing this decision unless the kid has some kind of special academic need or talent that can only be cultivated there.

It is messed up you let your teenage 18 year old go off to college, when you should be spending quality time since we all die one day. Shame on your for letting the 18 year old leave home.

18 year olds are adults.
14 year olds are children.

[Anonymous]

I always try to parent for the 30 year old that my child will be. What will he say at 30 years old about the decision. Will he be resentful because he didn’t go? If there is any resentment, you will be explaining this decision for years to come. All of our opinions really don’t matter. What matters if he your child believes, wants, and what is right for them.

[Anonymous]

OP--Did he go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

Not remotely envious. I want to be with my kids during their precious few years before they leave home. Weird that you didn't.

+1 there is no rationalizing this decision unless the kid has some kind of special academic need or talent that can only be cultivated there.

It is messed up you let your teenage 18 year old go off to college, when you should be spending quality time since we all die one day. Shame on your for letting the 18 year old leave home.

18 year olds are adults.
14 year olds are children.

There are twelve year old kings who put their subjects to death and engaged in diplomacy and mass warfare. 14 v. 18 is a matter of man made law and social convention. Keep telling yourself that your 18 year old shouldn’t live with you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always try to parent for the 30 year old that my child will be. What will he say at 30 years old about the decision. Will he be resentful because he didn’t go? If there is any resentment, you will be explaining this decision for years to come. All of our opinions really don’t matter. What matters if he your child believes, wants, and what is right for them.

Yep. He will be resentful if boarding was a good fit. If you raided him right then he’s probably correct in wanting to go for better opportunities.

These parents who say 14 year olds must live with them are self important. Their kids don’t need them 24/7 like they think

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boarding school (Groton) was the most traumatic experience of my life. Don't do it.
.

My kid went to Choate and loves it. Boarding school can be life-changing for the right person. The education is unparalleled.

Loved boarding school! And come from a happy family so wasn't trying to get away lol. OP let him give it a try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was admitted to local private schools but also got into Hotchkiss School in Connecticut. We went on the revisit days, and he fell in love with the place. He wanted to go, and we have allowed it and accepted the offer there. However, I am nervous and don't want to lose my 14 year old son this soon. I am feeling like I made a mistake in letting my son pursue boarding school, but it's too late now. Has anyone else experienced this?

Did he apply to just one boarding school ? If yes, then why that particular boarding school ?

14 years old can be too young to trust others to raise your child.

If one has been accepted to local private schools within a reasonable commuting distance, then there needs to be another reason for one to attend boarding school in my opinion. Reasons vary from bad household to parents working abroad in a dangerous setting.

Hotchkiss is the one elite boarding school that seems obsessed with money. Lots of NYC IB wealth & the kids flaunt it.

Hotchkiss has its issues, and Groton certainly did !!! so I understand the Groton poster. Andover can be too intense academically.




NP Curious, what is the issue with Groton. I have two friends that attending in the 70's and loved it. I went to a different school. My grandson is looking at schools now, and is considering Groton.

Hotchkiss is different from many New England boarding schools in that almost all classes are held in a single building while many others have more college like campuses.

Recently, there has been a big hard-sell initiated by Hotchkiss related folks. Weird. Don't know why, but other websites are also showing threads on Hotchkiss with nothing but praise. The current headmaster will soon be leaving.

I understand OP's regret and worry. Too early to give up one's child unless there is a compelling reason (such as bad home situation or poor local schools or parents work abroad, etc.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I always try to parent for the 30 year old that my child will be. What will he say at 30 years old about the decision. Will he be resentful because he didn’t go? If there is any resentment, you will be explaining this decision for years to come. All of our opinions really don’t matter. What matters if he your child believes, wants, and what is right for them.

Yep. He will be resentful if boarding was a good fit. If you raided him right then he’s probably correct in wanting to go for better opportunities.

These parents who say 14 year olds must live with them are self important. Their kids don’t need them 24/7 like they think

This is such a warped view of parenting that I don’t even know where to start.