Kid Chose Boarding School at Hotchkiss. I'm Torn, Nervous, and Regretting It

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine abandoning my 14 year old at a far away school.

What if they really want to go — and they’re abandoning you?

Keep justifying it.

You assume most 14 year olds have parents and siblings that are healthy to be around. That is not the case for millions of teenagers today and they would be best served by living away from their families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine abandoning my 14 year old at a far away school.

What if they really want to go — and they’re abandoning you?

14 yr olds want a lot of things. It's okay to say no to them. When I was 14 I wanted a nose ring.

"No, please don't give me a wonderful education and great experiences with friends. Please keep me home and hope for the best because you aren't ready as a parent even if I'm mature enough to want to go."

OP, you will be just as nervous in 4 years when they leave for college. Letting them grow up IS nervewracking. If he changes his mind and is too homesick, there are ways to handle it then.

“Mature enough to want to go” means nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine abandoning my 14 year old at a far away school.

What if they really want to go — and they’re abandoning you?

14 yr olds want a lot of things. It's okay to say no to them. When I was 14 I wanted a nose ring.

"No, please don't give me a wonderful education and great experiences with friends. Please keep me home and hope for the best because you aren't ready as a parent even if I'm mature enough to want to go."

OP, you will be just as nervous in 4 years when they leave for college. Letting them grow up IS nervewracking. If he changes his mind and is too homesick, there are ways to handle it then.

“Mature enough to want to go” means nothing.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DC started at one of the mentioned boarding schools last year, and the transition couldn’t have gone more smoothly. They were about 90% on board but very nervous (so were we!!), especially in the week leading up to the start. We even told them they could come home after a year if it wasn’t the right fit.

They were maybe a little homesick for a week, but now we can barely get in touch with them—in the best way! When they’re home, they’re focused on family and so much more mature. They've even thanked us for encouraging them to go.

One major positive has been the real mentorship from older students. My child is now watching dorm friends and prefects apply to colleges, deal with both acceptances and rejections, and reflect on those experiences. It’s been an invaluable lesson. They are also interacting IRL vs gaming and phones - feels like the 80s/90s again.

High school and college prep can put a strain on parent-child relationships, but we’re letting our child find their own path—even if it means making some mistakes. Every child is different, and now we’re deciding whether to explore boarding school for DC2 - they are very different kids.

Good luck!

I genuinely don't mean to bash your experience and I believe you, but you realize this happens in (gasp!) public schools too, right?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been through this, and I was really torn too. My child really wanted to go, and in my heart I thought DC was not ready. It turns out DC really was not quite prepared to live away from home and needed a lot of support through the transition.

You should be able to tell whether it’s a good fit pretty quickly. Just trust your gut. Some kids thrive in boarding school, and chances are your son will be one of them. If he doesn’t love it, as a previous poster said, there are ways to handle it then.

[Anonymous]

Our kid got into another CT boarding school. We pondered the decision for a while, but decided that ultimately we wanted our kid living with us during high school. We wanted to be there to help guide and to experience the ups and downs (if any).

Best decision for us! Granted, the level of independence that our kid gained in college could have been acquired must sooner had the path to boarding school been followed. After nearly 4 years of college, we're ready for the next step, and so is our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him try it for one year and he can come home if it's not a good fit.

Texting and web calls will help.

This.

He’s excited about it, and will resent you if you pull the plug now, plus it may be too late for acceptance to a local alternative. Give it a year and see how you all do with it.

This. Hotchkiss looks amazing and is a fantastic opportunity. I sympathize about the anticipatory missing him. Focus on the times you will be able to visit, call, text and act excited for him now and until you drop him off since he is excited. It will be exciting for you to see him grow and explore and hopefully have a great experience!

[Anonymous]

This board is so weird about boarding school. Our DC went to boarding school from a big 3 and we were so grateful to be out of the DC private school mess. Everyone was happier - I’m was no longer completely stressed out with work/work travel, driving all over the DMV for sports, activities, friends, etc… and DC was so much happier focusing on school and sports in one location. We saw DC two/three times a month and if you do the math… they are home throughout the year more than they would be if they were in a travel sport and at a school across town. Quality time > proximity time

OP - do what makes sense for your family. We LOVED St Andrews in Delaware and are still very close with the families - some of our closest friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son was admitted to local private schools but also got into Hotchkiss School in Connecticut. We went on the revisit days, and he fell in love with the place. He wanted to go, and we have allowed it and accepted the offer there. However, I am nervous and don't want to lose my 14 year old son this soon. I am feeling like I made a mistake in letting my son pursue boarding school, but it's too late now. Has anyone else experienced this?

Break it up into mental chunks. Sept to Thanksgiving. Then back two weeks and home for a month for Christmas. Just focus on the chunk in front of you.

Visit once or twice during the longer chunks.

+1 with the visits

Don’t forget Fall family weekend! One of the best weekend visits of the year!

[Anonymous]

It's not surprising your kid is excited; Hotchkiss looks like a resort!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This board is so weird about boarding school. Our DC went to boarding school from a big 3 and we were so grateful to be out of the DC private school mess. Everyone was happier - I’m was no longer completely stressed out with work/work travel, driving all over the DMV for sports, activities, friends, etc… and DC was so much happier focusing on school and sports in one location. We saw DC two/three times a month and if you do the math… they are home throughout the year more than they would be if they were in a travel sport and at a school across town. Quality time > proximity time

OP - do what makes sense for your family. We LOVED St Andrews in Delaware and are still very close with the families - some of our closest friends!

This post makes me sad. One day you will learn, PP, that there is no such thing as “quality time.” There is only time, and who you choose to spend it with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We went through the same thing after our daughter decided to go. Like “what have we done?”. And I went to boarding school!

It was an amazing experience for her. Trust his decision and go with it-but also nothing is permanent if he doesn’t like it.

Your feelings are normal. Many will stereotype parents who send their kids to boarding school as unloving, not close, etc. nothing could be farther from the truth on our end-we talk all the time, see them often and they have thanked us many times for the gift of going.

Yes this! Only now do I fully see how much I was at the center of my mother’s universe and what a big act of love it was for her to let me fly without expressing to me any sadness for herself or any doubts about my capabilities. Just support, encouragement, and “I believe in you.”

Sorry, I don't believe this one bit. Unless kid has a special academic need or talent that can only be nurtured in a boarding school environment, there is zero reason to send them away from home at that age. Particularly with excellent private options in the area. These are people happy to outsource parenting during the difficult teen years, when their kids need them most. I went to an Ivy with a number of boarding school kids. They were not close to their families, more like cordial acquaintances. And they grew up much too fast.

This was not my experience at all. I went to BS and my children went to BS. We all have the closest friendship/sisterhoods with our classmates and cherish the time with our families at home. Your experience is just a random outsider (envious?) observation.

Not remotely envious. I want to be with my kids during their precious few years before they leave home. Weird that you didn't.

[Anonymous]

Hotchkiss grad here. It is a remarkable school. The faculty are second to none, and I am extraordinarily grateful for the education that I got there. It is a warm community, and I have life long friends from there. All that being said, I did not consider sending our kids to boarding school. I just want them closer to home for high school, but that is a very personal decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will never understand the mindset that introduces this idea to a 12 or 13 year old child.

Do you have any idea how many children's stories now take place at boarding schools, after the success of the Harry Potter novels?

My kid was asking about boarding school as a 5-year-old. Because that is where superheroes, magicians, kid spies, etc. get trained.

They never got it out of their head. And now they are happily attending a boarding school.