People who were raised in a “partner comes first” household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Yeah, or does "partner come first before the children"? So many paths this could take

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

There is a happy medium. You have to prioritize your marriage, or yes when the kids move on you might find yourself miserable and with no common interests. however, when your kids are young, there is nothing wrong with putting a bit more focus into the family and taking care of them. So yes, you might not get "date night" monthly when you have a 1 yo or newborn, but by the time the kid is 2-3, you should seriously consider finding a way to make it happen. It will be good for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a house that probably put both on the same level. They made sure to do date nights and time away just the two of them. They were a great example of love and respect for each other. I have silly little memories of my dad (badly) singing to my mom in the kitchen while she made dinner and he attempted to help.

I have a great marriage. I do think a lot of that has to do with what I saw growing up. DH and I prioritize each other. Does DS come first? Yes. But we make sure to build in time for each other and we've never lost that spark or connection, even with a 12 year old.

This is how to do it. You also must realize that when the kids are younger, they often will get priority over the "marriage" because young kids are simply exhausting and you cannot just ignore a 6 month old or a 2 year old. But in general yes, you need to build in time for yourselves as a couple....find a babysitter, swap with friends if you have no family nearby and cannot afford one. There are ways to manage, it just takes a bit of creativity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up like that and then my parents got divorced when my sibling and I were adults. My own marriage has been unhappy because we are ill-suited, so we each love our children more than we love each other. That makes me sad because I feel like we aren’t modeling a healthy marriage for our children.

Well you are not modeling a healthy marriage. Why are you still married to someone who is "ill suited" for you? Why do you want to waste years of your life doing that? I'm 99.99% certain your kids are aware of it as well, unless they are under 8

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean, "spouse before kids"?
No, kids' needs always come first, before our needs. Mostly everyone I knew adheres to this, with some exceptions for ignorance about mental health disorders in children that should have been diagnosed earlier and treated.

If you mean, "husband before wife", that was in my grandparents' time. Fortunately my parents didn't practice that. My in-laws did, but my husband and his siblings don't.

Your kids probably suck.

Loving marriage and love for children flow together and needs come first but automatic kids first is a disaster for the kids and their next steps.

It depends upon the ages of the kids. A 1 yo, yes their needs come first (note I said Needs not wants). They are helpless and cannot do it for themselves.

For a 5 yo, if you've done it right, their needs come first but they should begin knowing how to "help themselves" and wait unless something is urgent, so they have "less needs that they cannot take care of" now.

I think it's a healthy balance. You find time as a couple to do date night/do things as a couple that help you reconnect and be adults without screaming kids around. That was easier to do when the kids were 3+ than when they were babies/toddlers (first kid would scream and be miserable for 45 mins to an hour, up until about 2.5, even if staying with their best friend/BF mom so it was hard to go out on date nights when you knew your kid was miserable---and yes, that kid turned out to have severe anxiety, what a surprise). So not many date nights when the kids were under 3, but once they were happy with a sitter, we took advantage and went out at least every 2 weeks, and used family to watch kids so we could get away for a 3 day weekend every 2-3 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I strongly disagree. I've been married for 20 years and DH and I have always put our children's needs first. This is what my parents did too. This is what everyone I know does, except for patriarchal households where the father has the last word and his wife lives to serve him and the household.

No. You are wrong and probably raising little sociopathic kids. No father first bs either. Family starts with mom and dad and flows on a needs basis from there.

Op here. What does it look like in your house?

Are you putting a spouse vacation before braces for example or serving husband before kids at dinner

np: the kids' needs are met, but we spend time by ourselves and we do things we enjoy too. So we take our kids to the art museum because we want to go, not to the bounce house where they might want to go. But to be honest we do plenty of things just for them, as well. Sometimes you can put your own needs first without neglecting or shortchanging your kids.

Yeah, taking the kids to the art museum (instead of a bouncy house) is not harming them at all (unless the BH is a birthday Party and you are not letting them attend). You are raising your kids to have differing interests and expand their horizons. It's not like you took them to an R rated movie at age 5, because heck you guys wanted to see the movie and couldn't find a babysitter.

I agree with that. Sometimes the kids have to do what Mom and Dad want to do as a family activity, and as long as it's age appropriate, the kids will grow from that. Also, as long as mom and dad also allow the kids to each select the family activities as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I strongly disagree. I've been married for 20 years and DH and I have always put our children's needs first. This is what my parents did too. This is what everyone I know does, except for patriarchal households where the father has the last word and his wife lives to serve him and the household.

No. You are wrong and probably raising little sociopathic kids. No father first bs either. Family starts with mom and dad and flows on a needs basis from there.

Op here. What does it look like in your house?

Are you putting a spouse vacation before braces for example or serving husband before kids at dinner

np: the kids' needs are met, but we spend time by ourselves and we do things we enjoy too. So we take our kids to the art museum because we want to go, not to the bounce house where they might want to go. But to be honest we do plenty of things just for them, as well. Sometimes you can put your own needs first without neglecting or shortchanging your kids.

Going to an art museum or bounce house isn’t a need.

I hear people say “needs” and I think literally things that one needs to survive. In which case, my kids’ needs come first. Meaning we take care of or figure out what they’re going to eat and make sure that is prioritized over what my spouse and I will eat if needed (if kids are super hungry, they will eat dinner earlier than spouse and I do, for example, or if we’re ordering takeout we might order something they prefer over something we prefer because we want to make sure they eat enough). If we’re on a hike and there’s only a little water left, kids would get it over parents. If parent and kid both got injured at same time, we’d help the kid first. These things to me are prioritizing kids’ needs over parents’ needs and I think it’s just common sense for good parents to put their kids’ needs first. Adults can be more flexible w their needs in most cases (can wait longer to eat or drink if needed, can be adaptable enough to go without a coat on a cold day if needed…whereas not meeting kids’ needs in this way would be abuse/neglect and bad parenting)

I think what you’re really talking about in regard to prioritizing one over the other is prioritizing kids’ wants over adults.” I think it’s important to put work into your marriage or relationship w your partner, which ultimately benefits everyone in the whole family, including the kids. But you don’t do so to the extreme that kids’ needs aren’t met first.

But the "taking kids to art museum" parents are choosing to sometime allow the parents to select the age appropriate activities for the family. Because one can only take so much Bouncy houses/Peppa the pig

[Anonymous]

Kids needs over parents needs, parents wants over kids wants. I would never take a vacation instead of paying for braces but you bet you need to pipe down and play quietly when Daddy has had a tough day and needs to be chill for a few minutes.

[Anonymous]

I never understand this question. Why can’t everyone’s needs be met? We don’t have these big conflicts where we have to elevate anyone over anyone else. Husband and I both agree in case of fire or other deadly emergency, we try to save the kids before each other (but we both feel the same way so even that completely unlikely hypothetical doesn’t feel like it’s putting kids over spouse because the spouse’s wishes are being honored).

[Anonymous]

I think this "date night" thing is strictly American. I'm from Europe and no parents do date nights. Family is about raising kids and kids come first until they're old enough to manage themselves. In other words the amount of help decreases as the kids get older. People rarely spend time as a couple, but spend time in groups of extended families. And then once kids are older I don't put my husband first, I put myself first. As a person, an individual. American society is overly focused on sex, it's almost like there's nothing else interesting in life except sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I guess I just grew up with functioning adults but I seriously do not understand this concept. Why would any adults have that many needs that they would constantly be interfering with childrens needs? My parents got their own needs met and made an effort to please each other with my dad working late and my mom doing stuff for him but they didn't have a lot of needs they couldn't handle themselves. It was more like when there wasnt a need of anyone else they catered to each other. I also felt very unloved because they were so hands off. It wasn't that close of a family from parent to child but at least I didn't get the impression that I needed to be my spouse's helper before a child. To me kids needs, spouses needs, spouses wants, kids wants makes most sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids needs over parents needs, parents wants over kids wants. I would never take a vacation instead of paying for braces but you bet you need to pipe down and play quietly when Daddy has had a tough day and needs to be chill for a few minutes.

This. This is normal

[Anonymous]

I had a ton of resentment towards my mother when I was a teen because she kept chasing my dad to convince him to stay married even though he was an abusive cheater. She explicitly told me that the husband/wife relationship was more important.

She cared more about her marriage than she did her kids safety. At least, that is the way it felt at the time. Now I recognize she was in a difficult situation as well and was also being abused.

It has influenced my decision to prioritize my kids though.

[Anonymous]

My mom always put her partners first. I was never a priority. In our home my child is the priority but we still make each other priorities. My relationship with my parents is not good.

[Anonymous]

And to be clear, “there are times you feel like you’re a priority to mom and dad” is definitely a need for kids. But it doesn’t have to be all the time.