People who were raised in a “partner comes first” household

[Anonymous]

I’m curious to hear about your experiences both positive and negative.

Did you do the same in your home as an adult?

What were the good parts of this for you? What were the bad?

[Anonymous]

You go first.

[Anonymous]

What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You go first.

Op here. I was raised by a single mom who escaped an abusive partner and never dated or married again - her life’s dream was to be a nun and she’s lived a very simple life for decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go first.

Op here. I was raised by a single mom who escaped an abusive partner and never dated or married again - her life’s dream was to be a nun and she’s lived a very simple life for decades.

Again, though, what exactly are you asking?

“Partner comes first” as in like that time Big brought home veal and Carrie Bradshaw blew off Miranda Hobbes, who then met her future husband lamenting over a piece of politically incorrect meat?

[Anonymous]

You mean, "spouse before kids"?
No, kids' needs always come first, before our needs. Mostly everyone I knew adheres to this, with some exceptions for ignorance about mental health disorders in children that should have been diagnosed earlier and treated.

If you mean, "husband before wife", that was in my grandparents' time. Fortunately my parents didn't practice that. My in-laws did, but my husband and his siblings don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

Gotcha.

I think, to a point, this would be DH and me. Unless it’s some extenuating circumstance like a kid is sick or injured, or it’s a completely can’t-miss event, we prioritize our marriage over the kids. This means we make time for ourselves and sometimes the kids (now teens) are left to their own devices. When they were younger, they had a babysitter. I’d be happy to answer any other questions.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a house that probably put both on the same level. They made sure to do date nights and time away just the two of them. They were a great example of love and respect for each other. I have silly little memories of my dad (badly) singing to my mom in the kitchen while she made dinner and he attempted to help.

I have a great marriage. I do think a lot of that has to do with what I saw growing up. DH and I prioritize each other. Does DS come first? Yes. But we make sure to build in time for each other and we've never lost that spark or connection, even with a 12 year old.

[Anonymous]

I grew up like that and then my parents got divorced when my sibling and I were adults. My own marriage has been unhappy because we are ill-suited, so we each love our children more than we love each other. That makes me sad because I feel like we aren’t modeling a healthy marriage for our children.

[Anonymous]

Well my father was a severely narcissistic individual and my mother always put him and his needs first but I wouldn't recommend it. It meant she would promise to do something with us but then cancel it because your father is tired. The man never operated a toaster, poured himself a glass of orange juice. when she broke her hip, she demanded that my sister leave her job to come home and pour his glass of orange juice since apparently he doesn't know how.

[Anonymous]

By "partner comes first," do you mean something like the following?

First come kids' needs, then your and partner's needs, then your and partner's wants, then kids' wants

If so, I think this is how all healthy households function, surely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By "partner comes first," do you mean something like the following?

First come kids' needs, then your and partner's needs, then your and partner's wants, then kids' wants

If so, I think this is how all healthy households function, surely?

Op here. No, not this but reverse it to be needs or wants of parents first which could be wife/husband/partner then the needs/wants of children then the needs/wants of all others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go first.

Op here. I was raised by a single mom who escaped an abusive partner and never dated or married again - her life’s dream was to be a nun and she’s lived a very simple life for decades.

Your mom did it right.

My mother married twice after she and my dad divorced, and both times she put my stepdad first and it was truly horrific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.