People who were raised in a “partner comes first” household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this "date night" thing is strictly American. I'm from Europe and no parents do date nights. Family is about raising kids and kids come first until they're old enough to manage themselves. In other words the amount of help decreases as the kids get older. People rarely spend time as a couple, but spend time in groups of extended families. And then once kids are older I don't put my husband first, I put myself first. As a person, an individual. American society is overly focused on sex, it's almost like there's nothing else interesting in life except sex.

My European friends who have family help do go on date nights. Really the main reason is that babysitters aren’t as common in Western European countries. Wages are much lower and families have less disposable income. The average white collar family in a Western European country can’t afford a sitter on a regular basis.

You really think a European couple wouldn’t want to go out to dinner alone??

I’d never go out without my child if they were home. Now that they are older they have activities that last a few hours so we might go out to eat then without them. But, being a family is more important to me and my parents rarely took us and there was a huge disconnect. I’ll go out alone with a child more than my spouse. That’s the best time to get your kid to open up. We never hired a babysitter. I’d rather that money go to the college fund. Soon enough kids will be at college.

I’m sure you are a lot of fun! Especially at parties. Oh wait, you didn’t go to any parties since you never hired a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this "date night" thing is strictly American. I'm from Europe and no parents do date nights. Family is about raising kids and kids come first until they're old enough to manage themselves. In other words the amount of help decreases as the kids get older. People rarely spend time as a couple, but spend time in groups of extended families. And then once kids are older I don't put my husband first, I put myself first. As a person, an individual. American society is overly focused on sex, it's almost like there's nothing else interesting in life except sex.

I'm American but this is how we do it. I think date night was invented by wealthy Americans because to me the idea of spending money on an evening babysitter just to go out alone with my spouse, when I could spend some time alone with my spouse after the kids go to bed, is nonsensical. But I'm middle class and have a million things I'd rather spend money on than babysitters.

And yes, as a mom in particular, as my kids get older, my focus is on myself. Moms needs to reclaim ourselves as our kids gain independence. My DH doesn't need me to focus on him -- he's an adult!

I also don't get the thing about needing to "stay connected." Your are married, you are raising kids together. You see each other daily, presumably sleep in the same bed. Of course we are connected. How would a date night change that? Can you only talk to your spouse when your children are in a different location? That's weird.

You don’t understand why a couple might want to go dine at a restaurant that isn’t child friendly? See an R rated movie? Talk to each other and connect out at a restaurant or place outside of the home?

Did you only stay at home pre-kids? When you dated your husband, were all your dates at home?

The only American women I know who don’t go on date nights seem to dislike their husbands and have an unhealthy obsession with their children.

Not that poster but family time important. I have zero interest in going to a movie. And, zero interest in overpriced restaurants too. It’s unhealthy not to spend time with your kids. My parents were like you. Pretty much no relationship as adults. And, they suck as grandparents. I have to force mine to see them yearly.

This is a very strange comment. Especially since, when kids are little, they are IN BED when the adults go out to eat. What are they missing while asleep?


When the kids are older, they really don't care if mom and dad go to dinner once a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this "date night" thing is strictly American. I'm from Europe and no parents do date nights. Family is about raising kids and kids come first until they're old enough to manage themselves. In other words the amount of help decreases as the kids get older. People rarely spend time as a couple, but spend time in groups of extended families. And then once kids are older I don't put my husband first, I put myself first. As a person, an individual. American society is overly focused on sex, it's almost like there's nothing else interesting in life except sex.

I'm American but this is how we do it. I think date night was invented by wealthy Americans because to me the idea of spending money on an evening babysitter just to go out alone with my spouse, when I could spend some time alone with my spouse after the kids go to bed, is nonsensical. But I'm middle class and have a million things I'd rather spend money on than babysitters.

And yes, as a mom in particular, as my kids get older, my focus is on myself. Moms needs to reclaim ourselves as our kids gain independence. My DH doesn't need me to focus on him -- he's an adult!

I also don't get the thing about needing to "stay connected." Your are married, you are raising kids together. You see each other daily, presumably sleep in the same bed. Of course we are connected. How would a date night change that? Can you only talk to your spouse when your children are in a different location? That's weird.

You don’t understand why a couple might want to go dine at a restaurant that isn’t child friendly? See an R rated movie? Talk to each other and connect out at a restaurant or place outside of the home?

Did you only stay at home pre-kids? When you dated your husband, were all your dates at home?

The only American women I know who don’t go on date nights seem to dislike their husbands and have an unhealthy obsession with their children.

Not that poster but family time important. I have zero interest in going to a movie. And, zero interest in overpriced restaurants too. It’s unhealthy not to spend time with your kids. My parents were like you. Pretty much no relationship as adults. And, they suck as grandparents. I have to force mine to see them yearly.

This is a very strange comment. Especially since, when kids are little, they are IN BED when the adults go out to eat. What are they missing while asleep?


When the kids are older, they really don't care if mom and dad go to dinner once a month.

It’s either a troll, or someone who has experienced trauma or with extreme anxiety.

My own mother wouldn’t use sitters and was unable to leave me. It was coming from a place of extreme anxiety.

Moderation is important and refusing to socialize or spend time without your children is extreme and unhealthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this "date night" thing is strictly American. I'm from Europe and no parents do date nights. Family is about raising kids and kids come first until they're old enough to manage themselves. In other words the amount of help decreases as the kids get older. People rarely spend time as a couple, but spend time in groups of extended families. And then once kids are older I don't put my husband first, I put myself first. As a person, an individual. American society is overly focused on sex, it's almost like there's nothing else interesting in life except sex.

It’s because they can’t afford it. In most Western European countries there isn’t a market for babysitters because parents don’t have the disposable income to use a sitter and go out as just a couple.

Notice how they use government sponsored childcare? It’s unlikely that someone who sends their child to daycare 5 days a week is unwilling to go out to dinner with only their spouse. The truth is they can’t afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a house that probably put both on the same level. They made sure to do date nights and time away just the two of them. They were a great example of love and respect for each other. I have silly little memories of my dad (badly) singing to my mom in the kitchen while she made dinner and he attempted to help.

I have a great marriage. I do think a lot of that has to do with what I saw growing up. DH and I prioritize each other. Does DS come first? Yes. But we make sure to build in time for each other and we've never lost that spark or connection, even with a 12 year old.

I see this more likely in single child households. Much easier to manage and by 12 they start distancing anyways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

Crazy person alert. Absolutes is a bad shade.

[Anonymous]

So an assassin shows up your house and says: who dies, your son or your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As an Asian American, I was raised to see marriage and children as intertwined. Almost like what’s the point of getting married if you don’t have children? So, exactly the opposite of the OP’s subject line. There is something about “partner comes first” that seems a little creepy to me, honestly.

P.S. Not speaking for all Asian Americans.

I'm not Asian American, rather an American WASP, but I think WASPs also have this mentality (same reason why there's not a ton of sappiness and PDA among WASP parental couples, and some tolerance of cheating). It honestly seems strange, and a bit childish, to me when married couples with kids prioritize each other over the children. To me, the children are the whole point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an Asian American, I was raised to see marriage and children as intertwined. Almost like what’s the point of getting married if you don’t have children? So, exactly the opposite of the OP’s subject line. There is something about “partner comes first” that seems a little creepy to me, honestly.

P.S. Not speaking for all Asian Americans.

I'm not Asian American, rather an American WASP, but I think WASPs also have this mentality (same reason why there's not a ton of sappiness and PDA among WASP parental couples, and some tolerance of cheating). It honestly seems strange, and a bit childish, to me when married couples with kids prioritize each other over the children. To me, the children are the whole point.

No way. Traditional WASPS love to have a good time. This means a heavy usage of babysitters and nannies. You can count on a wealthy WASP to socialize with only adults and enjoy a childfree evening. Boarding schools and summer camps remain popular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an Asian American, I was raised to see marriage and children as intertwined. Almost like what’s the point of getting married if you don’t have children? So, exactly the opposite of the OP’s subject line. There is something about “partner comes first” that seems a little creepy to me, honestly.

P.S. Not speaking for all Asian Americans.

I'm not Asian American, rather an American WASP, but I think WASPs also have this mentality (same reason why there's not a ton of sappiness and PDA among WASP parental couples, and some tolerance of cheating). It honestly seems strange, and a bit childish, to me when married couples with kids prioritize each other over the children. To me, the children are the whole point.

No way. Traditional WASPS love to have a good time. This means a heavy usage of babysitters and nannies. You can count on a wealthy WASP to socialize with only adults and enjoy a childfree evening. Boarding schools and summer camps remain popular.

Regardless the children are still prioritized over the parental relationship. Often skilled nannies are employed and kids are sent to the best boarding schools "for their own good". Very few WASP couples do this weird performative "my wife is my best friend" dance and it's understood that one or both partners might have affairs or go on vacation to a second home in another state or something... I literally dont know any WASPs who drone on about how their partner is the love of their life or whatever. It's kind of a business relationship for the purpose of having kids, in many ways. And it's interesting that both WASPs and Eastern Asians are two of the most successful ethnic groups in the United States- focusing on children's success over your own relationship seems like it works out fairly well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an Asian American, I was raised to see marriage and children as intertwined. Almost like what’s the point of getting married if you don’t have children? So, exactly the opposite of the OP’s subject line. There is something about “partner comes first” that seems a little creepy to me, honestly.

P.S. Not speaking for all Asian Americans.

I'm not Asian American, rather an American WASP, but I think WASPs also have this mentality (same reason why there's not a ton of sappiness and PDA among WASP parental couples, and some tolerance of cheating). It honestly seems strange, and a bit childish, to me when married couples with kids prioritize each other over the children. To me, the children are the whole point.

No way. Traditional WASPS love to have a good time. This means a heavy usage of babysitters and nannies. You can count on a wealthy WASP to socialize with only adults and enjoy a childfree evening. Boarding schools and summer camps remain popular.

Regardless the children are still prioritized over the parental relationship. Often skilled nannies are employed and kids are sent to the best boarding schools "for their own good". Very few WASP couples do this weird performative "my wife is my best friend" dance and it's understood that one or both partners might have affairs or go on vacation to a second home in another state or something... I literally dont know any WASPs who drone on about how their partner is the love of their life or whatever. It's kind of a business relationship for the purpose of having kids, in many ways. And it's interesting that both WASPs and Eastern Asians are two of the most successful ethnic groups in the United States- focusing on children's success over your own relationship seems like it works out fairly well.

“Works out well” financially if divorce is too shameful to speak of, let alone do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As an Asian American, I was raised to see marriage and children as intertwined. Almost like what’s the point of getting married if you don’t have children? So, exactly the opposite of the OP’s subject line. There is something about “partner comes first” that seems a little creepy to me, honestly.

P.S. Not speaking for all Asian Americans.

I'm not Asian American, rather an American WASP, but I think WASPs also have this mentality (same reason why there's not a ton of sappiness and PDA among WASP parental couples, and some tolerance of cheating). It honestly seems strange, and a bit childish, to me when married couples with kids prioritize each other over the children. To me, the children are the whole point.

No way. Traditional WASPS love to have a good time. This means a heavy usage of babysitters and nannies. You can count on a wealthy WASP to socialize with only adults and enjoy a childfree evening. Boarding schools and summer camps remain popular.

Regardless the children are still prioritized over the parental relationship. Often skilled nannies are employed and kids are sent to the best boarding schools "for their own good". Very few WASP couples do this weird performative "my wife is my best friend" dance and it's understood that one or both partners might have affairs or go on vacation to a second home in another state or something... I literally dont know any WASPs who drone on about how their partner is the love of their life or whatever. It's kind of a business relationship for the purpose of having kids, in many ways. And it's interesting that both WASPs and Eastern Asians are two of the most successful ethnic groups in the United States- focusing on children's success over your own relationship seems like it works out fairly well.

“Works out well” financially if divorce is too shameful to speak of, let alone do.

Works out well for the kids, not speaking of the relationship between parents, which, again, to WASPs is largely besides the point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this "date night" thing is strictly American. I'm from Europe and no parents do date nights. Family is about raising kids and kids come first until they're old enough to manage themselves. In other words the amount of help decreases as the kids get older. People rarely spend time as a couple, but spend time in groups of extended families. And then once kids are older I don't put my husband first, I put myself first. As a person, an individual. American society is overly focused on sex, it's almost like there's nothing else interesting in life except sex.

I'm American but this is how we do it. I think date night was invented by wealthy Americans because to me the idea of spending money on an evening babysitter just to go out alone with my spouse, when I could spend some time alone with my spouse after the kids go to bed, is nonsensical. But I'm middle class and have a million things I'd rather spend money on than babysitters.

And yes, as a mom in particular, as my kids get older, my focus is on myself. Moms needs to reclaim ourselves as our kids gain independence. My DH doesn't need me to focus on him -- he's an adult!

I also don't get the thing about needing to "stay connected." Your are married, you are raising kids together. You see each other daily, presumably sleep in the same bed. Of course we are connected. How would a date night change that? Can you only talk to your spouse when your children are in a different location? That's weird.

Curious on how long you’ve been married? I’m Asian and have been married for over 25 years. Husband is not Asian. I thought a lot like you and the other Asian American poster. However, I have come around to seeing the importance of finding ways to stay connected as a couple that is different than being a team conquering your household.

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure how to answer this or what you’re looking for but I was raised in a very loving and functional home. My parents married young and have been together 55 years. My sibling and I always knew mom and dad were a rock solid team. Major decisions were handled by them jointly and presented to us. It wasn’t a democracy - they made the decisions and we were the kids who listened and were respectful. It isn’t that we weren’t fully loved, but I would say they put their marriage first but I kind of struggle to come up with a specific example of how that operated since they didn’t really come into conflict with our needs as kids if that makes sense.

I wouldn’t say a position of marriage first is a negative.

A healthy marriage is the best gift you can give your children because it’s the foundation of the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom always put her partners first. I was never a priority. In our home my child is the priority but we still make each other priorities. My relationship with my parents is not good.

This is a very different situation than being raised with a mom and dad though.