People who were raised in a “partner comes first” household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a very traditional marriage and I was married for 24 years. He was a doctor. I was his office manager. He came first. Once we had children and I stayed home. I got a job when the kids were in elementary school. I did not tell him. It was 10-3 working in my girlfriend's boutique. He was very angry because I was going out on my own.

I hid money till I could divorce him. He made sure he always came first not matter what the cost to my mental health. Don't be me.

This is “one person comes first” not “parents come first.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this "date night" thing is strictly American. I'm from Europe and no parents do date nights. Family is about raising kids and kids come first until they're old enough to manage themselves. In other words the amount of help decreases as the kids get older. People rarely spend time as a couple, but spend time in groups of extended families. And then once kids are older I don't put my husband first, I put myself first. As a person, an individual. American society is overly focused on sex, it's almost like there's nothing else interesting in life except sex.

I'm American but this is how we do it. I think date night was invented by wealthy Americans because to me the idea of spending money on an evening babysitter just to go out alone with my spouse, when I could spend some time alone with my spouse after the kids go to bed, is nonsensical. But I'm middle class and have a million things I'd rather spend money on than babysitters.

And yes, as a mom in particular, as my kids get older, my focus is on myself. Moms needs to reclaim ourselves as our kids gain independence. My DH doesn't need me to focus on him -- he's an adult!

I also don't get the thing about needing to "stay connected." Your are married, you are raising kids together. You see each other daily, presumably sleep in the same bed. Of course we are connected. How would a date night change that? Can you only talk to your spouse when your children are in a different location? That's weird.

You don’t understand why a couple might want to go dine at a restaurant that isn’t child friendly? See an R rated movie? Talk to each other and connect out at a restaurant or place outside of the home?

Did you only stay at home pre-kids? When you dated your husband, were all your dates at home?

The only American women I know who don’t go on date nights seem to dislike their husbands and have an unhealthy obsession with their children.

Not that poster but family time important. I have zero interest in going to a movie. And, zero interest in overpriced restaurants too. It’s unhealthy not to spend time with your kids. My parents were like you. Pretty much no relationship as adults. And, they suck as grandparents. I have to force mine to see them yearly.

Whoa you took that in a very different direction than what PP said!! Prioritizing a date night is not the equivalent to not spending time or valuing time with kids or the family. Are you always such a black and white thinker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So an assassin shows up your house and says: who dies, your son or your husband?

“Kill me instead.”

[Anonymous]

Mother has been married three times. Siblings and I were never a priority.

[Anonymous]

If I wanted to put my partner first, I'd take the kid out somewhere for a while so DH could relax with the house to himself. Because that's what he'd really like.

If he wanted to put me first, he'd do the same thing for me.

If we wanted to put us as a couple first, we'd hire a sitter and go out ourselves.

If we wanted to put the kid first, we'd all go as a family somewhere the kid would enjoy.

Seems reasonable to rotate the four.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious to hear about your experiences both positive and negative.

Did you do the same in your home as an adult?

What were the good parts of this for you? What were the bad?

I have a friend whose parents were like this. It makes me sick to hear her tell about family situation where her mom treats her badly. Her mom is somewhat narcissistic and has always put her husband before the kids. Now in her 80’s she still puts her kids last. Her daughters live local to them and are very caring toward the parents. My friend and her sister put their kids first.

[Anonymous]

I don’t believe the concept is religious. DH and I are currently working through challenges with a couples therapist who is very qualified but not religious. Our homework is focused on finding ways to prioritize our marriage and build goodwill between us. We’re trying to go on more dates and reduce the time spent on kids’ activities that are consuming all our time. For example, we’re saying no to some birthday party invitations and pulling back on activities, especially ones that practice far away or require too much travel. kids feel more secure in a loving home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe the concept is religious. DH and I are currently working through challenges with a couples therapist who is very qualified but not religious. Our homework is focused on finding ways to prioritize our marriage and build goodwill between us. We’re trying to go on more dates and reduce the time spent on kids’ activities that are consuming all our time. For example, we’re saying no to some birthday party invitations and pulling back on activities, especially ones that practice far away or require too much travel. kids.

feel more secure in a loving home

is that what you told yourself when you told your kid they couldn't go to a birthday party or have to quit an activity. Because mommy or daddy is jealous

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t believe the concept is religious. DH and I are currently working through challenges with a couples therapist who is very qualified but not religious. Our homework is focused on finding ways to prioritize our marriage and build goodwill between us. We’re trying to go on more dates and reduce the time spent on kids’ activities that are consuming all our time. For example, we’re saying no to some birthday party invitations and pulling back on activities, especially ones that practice far away or require too much travel. kids.

feel more secure in a loving home

is that what you told yourself when you told your kid they couldn't go to a birthday party or have to quit an activity. Because mommy or daddy is jealous

If your parents were jealous of you, that’s indicative of a problematic dynamic that has nothing to do with a marriage-first philosophy.