People who were raised in a “partner comes first” household

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up like that and then my parents got divorced when my sibling and I were adults. My own marriage has been unhappy because we are ill-suited, so we each love our children more than we love each other. That makes me sad because I feel like we aren’t modeling a healthy marriage for our children.

You aren’t. It’s terrible for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I strongly disagree. I've been married for 20 years and DH and I have always put our children's needs first. This is what my parents did too. This is what everyone I know does, except for patriarchal households where the father has the last word and his wife lives to serve him and the household.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You mean, "spouse before kids"?
No, kids' needs always come first, before our needs. Mostly everyone I knew adheres to this, with some exceptions for ignorance about mental health disorders in children that should have been diagnosed earlier and treated.

If you mean, "husband before wife", that was in my grandparents' time. Fortunately my parents didn't practice that. My in-laws did, but my husband and his siblings don't.

Your kids probably suck.

Loving marriage and love for children flow together and needs come first but automatic kids first is a disaster for the kids and their next steps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I strongly disagree. I've been married for 20 years and DH and I have always put our children's needs first. This is what my parents did too. This is what everyone I know does, except for patriarchal households where the father has the last word and his wife lives to serve him and the household.

No. You are wrong and probably raising little sociopathic kids. No father first bs either. Family starts with mom and dad and flows on a needs basis from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I strongly disagree. I've been married for 20 years and DH and I have always put our children's needs first. This is what my parents did too. This is what everyone I know does, except for patriarchal households where the father has the last word and his wife lives to serve him and the household.

No. You are wrong and probably raising little sociopathic kids. No father first bs either. Family starts with mom and dad and flows on a needs basis from there.

Op here. What does it look like in your house?

Are you putting a spouse vacation before braces for example or serving husband before kids at dinner

[Anonymous]

I find the whole debate odd. DH and I are the foundation of the family, so we prioritize the relationship (date nights etc). But that doesn’t hurt the kids at all! There is no contest between DH and kids in the scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well my father was a severely narcissistic individual and my mother always put him and his needs first but I wouldn't recommend it. It meant she would promise to do something with us but then cancel it because your father is tired. The man never operated a toaster, poured himself a glass of orange juice. when she broke her hip, she demanded that my sister leave her job to come home and pour his glass of orange juice since apparently he doesn't know how.

I hope your sister told her no.

[Anonymous]

As an Asian American, I was raised to see marriage and children as intertwined. Almost like what’s the point of getting married if you don’t have children? So, exactly the opposite of the OP’s subject line. There is something about “partner comes first” that seems a little creepy to me, honestly.

P.S. Not speaking for all Asian Americans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I strongly disagree. I've been married for 20 years and DH and I have always put our children's needs first. This is what my parents did too. This is what everyone I know does, except for patriarchal households where the father has the last word and his wife lives to serve him and the household.

No. You are wrong and probably raising little sociopathic kids. No father first bs either. Family starts with mom and dad and flows on a needs basis from there.

Op here. What does it look like in your house?

Are you putting a spouse vacation before braces for example or serving husband before kids at dinner

np: the kids' needs are met, but we spend time by ourselves and we do things we enjoy too. So we take our kids to the art museum because we want to go, not to the bounce house where they might want to go. But to be honest we do plenty of things just for them, as well. Sometimes you can put your own needs first without neglecting or shortchanging your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You mean, "spouse before kids"?
No, kids' needs always come first, before our needs. Mostly everyone I knew adheres to this, with some exceptions for ignorance about mental health disorders in children that should have been diagnosed earlier and treated.

If you mean, "husband before wife", that was in my grandparents' time. Fortunately my parents didn't practice that. My in-laws did, but my husband and his siblings don't.

Your kids probably suck.

Loving marriage and love for children flow together and needs come first but automatic kids first is a disaster for the kids and their next steps.

What an awful thing to say to someone. You weren’t raised well if you think it’s ok to post that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What exactly do you mean by “partner comes first”?

“Partner comes first” as in my spouse had an absolutely horrible day and would like me to stay home and keep him company instead of going out with friends?

I mean, can you elaborate?

Households where the couple prioritizes themselves oftentimes with the thoughts that the children will one day move on and they will be left with each other. Ive also seen people blog about it as a Religious thing too, where its God first then husband/wife then children hierarchy.

That’s just one narrow way of looking at it. The other more common sense approach is the spousal relationship is they keystone of the family and should be the focus instead of becoming child-focused. It is indisputable that this is the best way to parent and that has nothing to do with religion. It’s just common sense.

I strongly disagree. I've been married for 20 years and DH and I have always put our children's needs first. This is what my parents did too. This is what everyone I know does, except for patriarchal households where the father has the last word and his wife lives to serve him and the household.

No. You are wrong and probably raising little sociopathic kids. No father first bs either. Family starts with mom and dad and flows on a needs basis from there.

Op here. What does it look like in your house?

Are you putting a spouse vacation before braces for example or serving husband before kids at dinner

np: the kids' needs are met, but we spend time by ourselves and we do things we enjoy too. So we take our kids to the art museum because we want to go, not to the bounce house where they might want to go. But to be honest we do plenty of things just for them, as well. Sometimes you can put your own needs first without neglecting or shortchanging your kids.

Going to an art museum or bounce house isn’t a need.

I hear people say “needs” and I think literally things that one needs to survive. In which case, my kids’ needs come first. Meaning we take care of or figure out what they’re going to eat and make sure that is prioritized over what my spouse and I will eat if needed (if kids are super hungry, they will eat dinner earlier than spouse and I do, for example, or if we’re ordering takeout we might order something they prefer over something we prefer because we want to make sure they eat enough). If we’re on a hike and there’s only a little water left, kids would get it over parents. If parent and kid both got injured at same time, we’d help the kid first. These things to me are prioritizing kids’ needs over parents’ needs and I think it’s just common sense for good parents to put their kids’ needs first. Adults can be more flexible w their needs in most cases (can wait longer to eat or drink if needed, can be adaptable enough to go without a coat on a cold day if needed…whereas not meeting kids’ needs in this way would be abuse/neglect and bad parenting)

I think what you’re really talking about in regard to prioritizing one over the other is prioritizing kids’ wants over adults.” I think it’s important to put work into your marriage or relationship w your partner, which ultimately benefits everyone in the whole family, including the kids. But you don’t do so to the extreme that kids’ needs aren’t met first.

[Anonymous]

THe point of parenthood is to get the children to move on. That's what you're supposed to be working towards.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a tradwife thing.

[Anonymous]

Op, I did. My mom put everyone first. I put everyone first. We had married selish men. I am teaching my daughter something different. Walk away early, but be hopeful. My mim, and maybe me, ended up like your mom. I think I still have a 15٪ shot at finding a good partner. 42.

[Anonymous]

I don't really understand this question. DH and I take one vacation alone a year, and we have date nights, but we would cancel any of these things if our kids had a need. For example, we wouldn't leave a sick crying kid at home so we could go out to eat.