Which of these women is 'doing better'?

[Anonymous]

A for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, A was absolutely the best option for me and completely worthwhile. 500K is a fantastic HHI. I can outsource all I want and I get to be with my kids. Besides, the allure of working disappeared when I had kids and no amount of money I earned, made up for the time I was absent from my kids lives. A great nanny cannot replace a great mom or great dad. A great nanny is a wonderful replacement for a disengaged parent.

In all of the options, I am assuming that
- you have a great marriage, and your DH is a wonderful husband and father, You will never divorce or be left in financial crisis
- you have children without any big issues and you like spending time with your children
- you have the money to take care of your needs like college, retirement, outsourcing chores etc.

BTW - I am not throwing any shade on having a nanny. Any and all support to raise a kid or run a household or take care of elderly relatives is a boon. A great nanny can help to make things easier - even for a SAHM.

Being at home with money and help allowed me to do my SAHM role with ease. I am not the super high energy, super frantic, super efficient person IRL, who can do it all. I like to do things with support around me. And I like to do the things that I like to do. For me it was guiding and being with my kids.

I am not a person who cares too much about expensive things, so having a million dollar HHI is not something that I value over time. As long as I can pay for services, I am happy with my life. I was able to SAHM with a decent HHI. It has never reached $500K. We have always felt very wealthy with just $120K - $400K over the years.

$120k is entry level salary and certainly not enough for one parent to stay home - nevermind feel rich

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, A was absolutely the best option for me and completely worthwhile. 500K is a fantastic HHI. I can outsource all I want and I get to be with my kids. Besides, the allure of working disappeared when I had kids and no amount of money I earned, made up for the time I was absent from my kids lives. A great nanny cannot replace a great mom or great dad. A great nanny is a wonderful replacement for a disengaged parent.

In all of the options, I am assuming that
- you have a great marriage, and your DH is a wonderful husband and father, You will never divorce or be left in financial crisis
- you have children without any big issues and you like spending time with your children
- you have the money to take care of your needs like college, retirement, outsourcing chores etc.

Op - remember I said the dad in option a stays home (so no nanny unless needed).

But to your q - assume based on $500k. Yes you can save but it’s half of $1m so you save less or save twice as slowly so that person needs to work for more years

I think the question is how much money do you need to save? DH and I have no desire to die with millions in our bank. Every $ earned has come at the cost of time from our lives. Money in the bank is just a signifier of your time working away from family, relationships and hobbies. So, if 500K can give you what you want, why would you need to earn $1M? Time in your life is finite. As you grow older, your energy and health will prevent you from engaging in a youthful and energetic manner with your loved ones and the world.

I am assuming that people want to work for the regular retirement age. Unless you have some solid plans to FIRE and that it can increase happiness for you and can improve the life and success of your descendents in significant and tangible manner - why do you need to have that much money?

We need money for spending on what we have valued in life and it has always been time and service. Never goods. And we have never ever felt strapped for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, A was absolutely the best option for me and completely worthwhile. 500K is a fantastic HHI. I can outsource all I want and I get to be with my kids. Besides, the allure of working disappeared when I had kids and no amount of money I earned, made up for the time I was absent from my kids lives. A great nanny cannot replace a great mom or great dad. A great nanny is a wonderful replacement for a disengaged parent.

In all of the options, I am assuming that
- you have a great marriage, and your DH is a wonderful husband and father, You will never divorce or be left in financial crisis
- you have children without any big issues and you like spending time with your children
- you have the money to take care of your needs like college, retirement, outsourcing chores etc.

BTW - I am not throwing any shade on having a nanny. Any and all support to raise a kid or run a household or take care of elderly relatives is a boon. A great nanny can help to make things easier - even for a SAHM.

Being at home with money and help allowed me to do my SAHM role with ease. I am not the super high energy, super frantic, super efficient person IRL, who can do it all. I like to do things with support around me. And I like to do the things that I like to do. For me it was guiding and being with my kids.

I am not a person who cares too much about expensive things, so having a million dollar HHI is not something that I value over time. As long as I can pay for services, I am happy with my life. I was able to SAHM with a decent HHI. It has never reached $500K. We have always felt very wealthy with just $120K - $400K over the years.

$120k is entry level salary and certainly not enough for one parent to stay home - nevermind feel rich

"Over the years" is the operative word. $120K was great 28 years ago. $400K is extremely comfortable in 2025. Not all parts of DMV is super expensive. We have a SFH that we paid $270K 27 yrs ago in a not expensive neighborhood. Locked into the lowest mortgage rate in the past 30 years. No student debt, no childcare cost, no private school cost. Of course, we are older. Younger people also have to save for college, retirement etc - but $120K is a very decent salary - and your future can be secured with some adjustments.

[Anonymous]

B with a nanny and a prenup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither - the long-term SAHPs I know are not the sharpest tools in the drawer, and I’d be worried about mental degradation.

If you worry about "mental degradation" you sound like the dullest tool in the shed. Please keep on working. The fact that you can make money working while still being so dumb actually shows just how little intelligence is needed for most of the busy work of office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B with a nanny and a prenup.

Even with a prenup you’d still need to split all your earnings half half. Maybe more than half to him since he’d get custody in divorce and alimony too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:B with a nanny and a prenup.

You are making your DH sound like a sperm donor. Why not decide not to have kids and not get married? I am sure that there are other worthwhile pursuits that you can devote your life to like - charity or spirituality?

[Anonymous]

B has more choices and more control. B hands down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, A was absolutely the best option for me and completely worthwhile. 500K is a fantastic HHI. I can outsource all I want and I get to be with my kids. Besides, the allure of working disappeared when I had kids and no amount of money I earned, made up for the time I was absent from my kids lives. A great nanny cannot replace a great mom or great dad. A great nanny is a wonderful replacement for a disengaged parent.

In all of the options, I am assuming that
- you have a great marriage, and your DH is a wonderful husband and father, You will never divorce or be left in financial crisis
- you have children without any big issues and you like spending time with your children
- you have the money to take care of your needs like college, retirement, outsourcing chores etc.

BTW - I am not throwing any shade on having a nanny. Any and all support to raise a kid or run a household or take care of elderly relatives is a boon. A great nanny can help to make things easier - even for a SAHM.

Being at home with money and help allowed me to do my SAHM role with ease. I am not the super high energy, super frantic, super efficient person IRL, who can do it all. I like to do things with support around me. And I like to do the things that I like to do. For me it was guiding and being with my kids.

I am not a person who cares too much about expensive things, so having a million dollar HHI is not something that I value over time. As long as I can pay for services, I am happy with my life. I was able to SAHM with a decent HHI. It has never reached $500K. We have always felt very wealthy with just $120K - $400K over the years.

$120k is entry level salary and certainly not enough for one parent to stay home - nevermind feel rich

$120k is 150% of the median US HOUSEHOLD income. Are you insufferable on purpose?

[Anonymous]

I'd rather be A but I don't think you can say that one is objectively doing better than the other. Some women really want to SAH after kids (and would happily do it for much less than $500k) and others wouldn't want to do that for any amount of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:B with a nanny and a prenup.

Even with a prenup you’d still need to split all your earnings half half. Maybe more than half to him since he’d get custody in divorce and alimony too.

False
(Lawyer)

[Anonymous]

B. No question. I know too many women who were A and the husband left for a younger woman. It taught me never to be dependent on a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mother, A was absolutely the best option for me and completely worthwhile. 500K is a fantastic HHI. I can outsource all I want and I get to be with my kids. Besides, the allure of working disappeared when I had kids and no amount of money I earned, made up for the time I was absent from my kids lives. A great nanny cannot replace a great mom or great dad. A great nanny is a wonderful replacement for a disengaged parent.

In all of the options, I am assuming that
- you have a great marriage, and your DH is a wonderful husband and father, You will never divorce or be left in financial crisis
- you have children without any big issues and you like spending time with your children
- you have the money to take care of your needs like college, retirement, outsourcing chores etc.

BTW - I am not throwing any shade on having a nanny. Any and all support to raise a kid or run a household or take care of elderly relatives is a boon. A great nanny can help to make things easier - even for a SAHM.

Being at home with money and help allowed me to do my SAHM role with ease. I am not the super high energy, super frantic, super efficient person IRL, who can do it all. I like to do things with support around me. And I like to do the things that I like to do. For me it was guiding and being with my kids.

I am not a person who cares too much about expensive things, so having a million dollar HHI is not something that I value over time. As long as I can pay for services, I am happy with my life. I was able to SAHM with a decent HHI. It has never reached $500K. We have always felt very wealthy with just $120K - $400K over the years.

$120k is entry level salary and certainly not enough for one parent to stay home - nevermind feel rich

$120k is 150% of the median US HOUSEHOLD income. Are you insufferable on purpose?

Right but most of the US are not ‘doing well’. The pp said they felt rich. In any high col area, $120k is objectively not adequate salary for one parent to justify staying home nevermind feeling wealthy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither - the long-term SAHPs I know are not the sharpest tools in the drawer, and I’d be worried about mental degradation.

I’m the lived it loved it PP. I dreamed of being a SAHM and planned accordingly!

Married DH who wanted a more traditional marriage to an old-fashioned girl.

While being “just” a SAHM to 3DC (each 3 years apart), DH travelled for work extensively and I don’t mean a conference in Baltimore. Gone for weeks at a time, sometimes not immediately available to call.

Guess when any number of emergencies arose? You got it!

I also ran a charity and did hands on outreach and board work. Spent so many hours on this effort that I received a commendation. I gave hundreds of volunteer hours to a niche interest related to our school.

Turned one of these volunteer gigs into paid work and returned to work for a decade.

Retired early and now figuring out next steps to include getting a graduate degree.