Will I regret ending my career to stay home with ES age kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the option really so binary? If you're willing to leave, why not push back on the demanding part. Set boundaries. What's the worst that can happen -- it doesn't work out and you leave. Or tell your employer that you want to be more flexible and go to a 32 hour week (80%). That might mean more than 32 hours but it signals that you are able to say no to things.

Those years do go fast but fills your bucket is important and, my hunch is, you like working. Maybe not as much as you are now but overall.

I don't know about OP but in my corporate environment setting boundaries puts you on the chopping block in the next layoff round which seems to be every 2 years or so. I know DCUM loves their boundaries talk, but IRL with these highly paid jobs, it's so competitive that you will be instantly replaced by someone who trades their life and health for a 10% increase to the company. Mostly men, but women increasingly too.

OP, can you wait for the next layoff and get the severance, then take 2 years until it picks up and turn into consulting?

That's when you make lateral moves to other companies for a little less $ but more flexibility and better treatment and away from corporate overlords that only care about growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is the option really so binary? If you're willing to leave, why not push back on the demanding part. Set boundaries. What's the worst that can happen -- it doesn't work out and you leave. Or tell your employer that you want to be more flexible and go to a 32 hour week (80%). That might mean more than 32 hours but it signals that you are able to say no to things.

Those years do go fast but fills your bucket is important and, my hunch is, you like working. Maybe not as much as you are now but overall.

I don't know about OP but in my corporate environment setting boundaries puts you on the chopping block in the next layoff round which seems to be every 2 years or so. I know DCUM loves their boundaries talk, but IRL with these highly paid jobs, it's so competitive that you will be instantly replaced by someone who trades their life and health for a 10% increase to the company. Mostly men, but women increasingly too.

OP, can you wait for the next layoff and get the severance, then take 2 years until it picks up and turn into consulting?

Maybe it does, maybe it doesn’t. Regardless if OP is considering quitting anyway then maybe it’s fine for her to take the risk.

If I were OP, I’d try to step back a bit at work and take ALL my vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not find help for the things that stress you out (still can find solutions for dinner and household chores) so you can maximize time with your kids?

I'd only quit as a last resort. The years go SO fast. I feel like I definitely had your thoughts from time to time when my kids were younger but I stayed in the workforce and now that they are in MS and HS, I am SO glad!!

But you have to trust you gut. good luck.

This is exactly why I would quit.

Not only do these ES years go by SO fast, they can never be replaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you will regret it, maybe you won't. It is difficult to tell.

How will your contribution as a SAHM be measured and validated? Are you and your spouse on the same page regarding common goals, family values, children upbringing etc? How will you protect yourself and your family financially?

This is how I did it (lots of luck and serendipity played a role) -
- I had saved almost all the money I had earned as a working woman and had a healthy retirement and investment fund. Till date I have let the money grow.
- We made sure that we were heavily insured so that if something happened to my DH (sole earner) we would have money for the rest of my life without going back to work and I could pay off the mortgage, pay off my kids college, pay off their wedding and pay off the expenses of my old age.
- DH and I do not have a prenup and I manage the finances. I was protected against the marriage breaking and being impacted financially. There is no addiction, abuse, adultery in the family. DH is a good father and husband.
- My DH has a secure job and we kept many costs down. We save 50% of DH's salary.
- I kept the support structure and expenses from pre-SAHM days. I retained my cleaner, lawn service etc. I did not want to get resentful by doing routine chores without help.
- I had a comprehensive plan for the kids education, ECs, health, socialization and well being. That was my main focus.
- The aim was to have a smooth running household so that my DH could spend time with the kids and me when he was home.
- Our family valued - kids education, family health, socializing, being careful with our money, and peace of mind.

Obviously, you treated the SAHM gig with the same level professionalism that you would manage your career. Honestly, this is probably the only way it would work for me too. Helpful! Thanks!

[Anonymous]

No, I would not quit when your salary is that high. Get an after school helper for three nights per week, or have your husband pull back slightly ONE night per week, so he is home with the kids by 6pm.

You work from home two days, plus have weekends. You see your kids plenty. Do not quit when at most you are getting what 6 hours more with your kids, across three days? That is not worth 400k loss of income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I would not quit when your salary is that high. Get an after school helper for three nights per week, or have your husband pull back slightly ONE night per week, so he is home with the kids by 6pm.

You work from home two days, plus have weekends. You see your kids plenty. Do not quit when at most you are getting what 6 hours more with your kids, across three days? That is not worth 400k loss of income.

+1000

[Anonymous]

How important is your professional identity to you? That's my number one question. I grew up with a miserable SAHM, and decided early on that was not the life for me. How do you feel about an identity shift that could potentially be permanent? Because it's highly unlikely you'll return at the same level a decade down the road.

Second questions is finances. How much have you and DH saved? 529s and retirement fully funded? Cutting fancy vacations is worth the trade-off but what other lifestyle changes would be necessary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't give up an excellent job with a $400K salary, after all the years you spent building your career. Especially since you can WFH 2 days/week. Without that bit of flexibility, I might consider quitting but otherwise I would make those two evenings and weekends count.That's 4 days/week that could potentially allow meaningful qualiy time with the kids, and I think that's pretty solid. I have less than that (often have to work weekends) and make far less money.

Agree with this. If you're outsourcing everything possible, you probably have more time with your kids than many working moms who also have demanding jobs but with no flexibility and less $$ for outsourcing. Quality time is far more important than quantity. And they'll be increasingly busy too. At this point, it wouldn't matter if I were home. Between school, ec activities and socializing with friends, my kids are barely home most evenings anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not easy to be a 50 yo woman with no professional identity.

Yes!!!
Thank you for point this out! So hard! It was literally and identity crisis.

I can see that happening.

Since I am a non-White highly educated immigrant and do not follow the American cultural norms, I had literally zero identity crisis in being a SAHM. My ILs, my parents, kids, DH - everyone was grateful and continue to be so. Being a SAHM was considered a sacrifice for someone like me who had multiple college degrees and a good career. Because, even when I was working, I was still parenting and taking care of the household. It was only that when I became a SAHM, I could solely concentrate on my kids and household. So the sacrifice of my career was impacting only me.
My earnings were not significant compared to my DH. And my quitting or working did not derail us financially.

But, I would have had a huge identity crisis and feeling of inadequacy if my kids were not thriving in their academics, ECs, health, career, personal life, social connections, hobbies etc. That remains the reason that DH and I even now prioritize being connected as a family with our adult children so that we can be of help to them and their families.

Being a SAHM is considered being the X-factor in our family's success.

[Anonymous]

On the flip side, now I hear from two friends in their 50s who were SHMs and they can’t get back into the workforce. They’ve forgotten a lot, didn’t keep up with changes, etc. They are regretting that they left the workforce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:On the flip side, now I hear from two friends in their 50s who were SHMs and they can’t get back into the workforce. They’ve forgotten a lot, didn’t keep up with changes, etc. They are regretting that they left the workforce.

Of course. And the bias against middle-aged women is very real.

[Anonymous]

Is there any way you can work part time, or do some sort of contract work?

This is what I've always done as a mother and to me it's perfect... I have lots of time with the kids, but I also have my own professional life that has kept growing. I usually work for about 3-4 hours a day, but it's very flexible and depends on the deadlines.

The happiest mothers I know also switched to contract work, in a whole variety of fields.

If someone is paying you $400k per year, I bet you have skills that you can charge for.

[Anonymous]

I would honestly try just leaning out a little bit. Ive seen people do this and have no one notice. Get back to people a little more slowly, say you have a conflict for late afternoon meetings. I'd try that first.

[Anonymous]

I would pivot to a different kind of job entirely but I would never fully stop working. It's not just about the salary. Keep something for yourself and for when your kids are gone. It is VERY hard to get back into the workforce after so long out.

[Anonymous]

If your post Covid flexibility was recently lost, then give yourself and your family time to adjust. Wait until late May and reassess.