Will I regret ending my career to stay home with ES age kids?

[Anonymous]

Are you or your husband close to burning out? If so one of you should take a step back. And then you’d just have to choose to not regret it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hell no not if your salary is 400k. But if you make that much won’t you have enough power at your job to negotiate hours? Or go down to 50 % ? If your colleagues/clients etc can’t get on the bus about the new hours you need to work the I would suggest switching jobs to something similar but where you can start fresh with more self imposed limits on your availability.

DP but not necessarily - often availability and willingness to travel etc. is what drives some of these high salaries. They're not necessarily going to say you can do 80% work for 80% pay.

Not to say OP can't find a less stressful position but her high salary doesn't really indicate anything about flexibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strongly considering leaving my job to stay home with my 6 and 10 year old kids. All post-Covid flexibility seems to be gone in both DH’s and my fields - he is back working long hours in the office 5 days a week and I can work from home 2X per week but find myself having to be in early or work late far too often on the days I am in the office. We feel like this is taking a toll on our kids - we are rarely around, recently have missed a ton of school events due to work conflicts/travel, DH and I are distracted and stressed 24/7 and trying to get dinner on the table or manage household chores is a nightmare (and we already outsource plenty). Having 2 FT working parents with very demanding jobs has just become too much.

For all the above and more, I am thinking about resigning but am very conflicted. I have spent the past 20+ years building my career and I genuinely enjoy working and challenging myself. I have looked for other, more flexible opportunities but there is truly nothing that is going to be strictly 9 to 5 and still pay anywhere close to what I make (open to a pay cut but not 50% less), and I don’t need to trade one demanding job for another.

My biggest hesitation is stepping back now when my kids are already in elementary and gone every day from 8:30-4/5pm between school and activities. Is this really the time to let it all go? I worry about what I will do when they are in high school and beyond, and it will be very challenging to get back into the corporate workforce as a 50yo woman. Additionally, losing my salary (over $400K) will mean we need to seriously adjust our lifestyle, and we can do it but that also comes at a cost.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and decided to leave? Was it the right decision or do you regret it?

Open to any and all advice!

OP I just had my last day at work after wrestling with similar issues you outlined (although I make slightly less than you ($350k), husband makes an amount that lifestyle will not need to adjust much and kids are younger at 2 and 5).

So no advice since I’m just starting the SAH chapter but I also made the decision bc it was all just so overwhelming. Some people seem to handle it all fine - good for them (seriously). They like “getting back online” after the kids go to bed - ok well I want to hang out with my husband then, not do more work! They are ok spending a good chunk of salary on outsourcing cooking and cleaning and childcare and managing those employees so they can sit at a computer all day - that’s great if it makes them happy! I hate managing household employees and would much rather clean and cook myself than negotiate an NDA for the ten thousandth time or sit on yet another Teams meeting or feel my blood pressure rise when I hear another email come in on my phone at 10pm!

I’ve posted before asking for similar advice and people will pipe up from both extremes, either fearmongering about divorce and being left destitute or saying your kids will turn out to be criminals unless you stay at home. Neither is true, trust your gut - people value different things and that’s fine. Some need more security around relationship demise, some really get a lot of personal satisfaction from their jobs, some think everyone is lazy unless they are spending their day emailing back and forth - those people have personal values that align to not quitting and that’s ok.

Only you know what is more important to you and what things you want to risk - life is risky no matter what decisions we make, we might regret quitting because it turns out we did need money later, we might regret not quitting because we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness and we’d rather have been happy and patient and creating a calm, peaceful home for our family in those interim years rather than being stressed and chaotic due to working all the time. Or maybe it turns out you never needed the extra money from your job because everything was fine financially but you kept working out of fear and then in 10 years regret not quitting and losing out on all that time with your family. All we can is make the best choices based on our tolerance for uncertainty and our core values, which obviously may be in conflict.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness -
good luck with your decision, I know it is so hard.

DP, but another poster considering quitting (I make closer to 200k) and am agonizing over the decision. My husband earns more than I do, but my income definitely contributes to our lifestyle. That said, I really want to be home with my kids and if money was no object, that’s what I’d be doing right now. I’m just scared to give up my income and earning potential, and fear how difficult it is to get back into a similar job.

I’m the poster you responded to - honestly for me the fear of never being able to get another job didn’t go away, it just was outweighed by the fear of looking back and regretting not spending time with my kids. The uncertainty around the state of the world actually made my choice easier - it’s not like if everything truly falls apart the couple hundred thousand more dollars or even million dollars we would save by me continuing to work will actually make a difference - we’ll all be screwed unless we’re billionaires and in that case I know I will want my time to be with my family not at some dumb company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strongly considering leaving my job to stay home with my 6 and 10 year old kids. All post-Covid flexibility seems to be gone in both DH’s and my fields - he is back working long hours in the office 5 days a week and I can work from home 2X per week but find myself having to be in early or work late far too often on the days I am in the office. We feel like this is taking a toll on our kids - we are rarely around, recently have missed a ton of school events due to work conflicts/travel, DH and I are distracted and stressed 24/7 and trying to get dinner on the table or manage household chores is a nightmare (and we already outsource plenty). Having 2 FT working parents with very demanding jobs has just become too much.

For all the above and more, I am thinking about resigning but am very conflicted. I have spent the past 20+ years building my career and I genuinely enjoy working and challenging myself. I have looked for other, more flexible opportunities but there is truly nothing that is going to be strictly 9 to 5 and still pay anywhere close to what I make (open to a pay cut but not 50% less), and I don’t need to trade one demanding job for another.

My biggest hesitation is stepping back now when my kids are already in elementary and gone every day from 8:30-4/5pm between school and activities. Is this really the time to let it all go? I worry about what I will do when they are in high school and beyond, and it will be very challenging to get back into the corporate workforce as a 50yo woman. Additionally, losing my salary (over $400K) will mean we need to seriously adjust our lifestyle, and we can do it but that also comes at a cost.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and decided to leave? Was it the right decision or do you regret it?

Open to any and all advice!

OP I just had my last day at work after wrestling with similar issues you outlined (although I make slightly less than you ($350k), husband makes an amount that lifestyle will not need to adjust much and kids are younger at 2 and 5).

So no advice since I’m just starting the SAH chapter but I also made the decision bc it was all just so overwhelming. Some people seem to handle it all fine - good for them (seriously). They like “getting back online” after the kids go to bed - ok well I want to hang out with my husband then, not do more work! They are ok spending a good chunk of salary on outsourcing cooking and cleaning and childcare and managing those employees so they can sit at a computer all day - that’s great if it makes them happy! I hate managing household employees and would much rather clean and cook myself than negotiate an NDA for the ten thousandth time or sit on yet another Teams meeting or feel my blood pressure rise when I hear another email come in on my phone at 10pm!

I’ve posted before asking for similar advice and people will pipe up from both extremes, either fearmongering about divorce and being left destitute or saying your kids will turn out to be criminals unless you stay at home. Neither is true, trust your gut - people value different things and that’s fine. Some need more security around relationship demise, some really get a lot of personal satisfaction from their jobs, some think everyone is lazy unless they are spending their day emailing back and forth - those people have personal values that align to not quitting and that’s ok.

Only you know what is more important to you and what things you want to risk - life is risky no matter what decisions we make, we might regret quitting because it turns out we did need money later, we might regret not quitting because we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness and we’d rather have been happy and patient and creating a calm, peaceful home for our family in those interim years rather than being stressed and chaotic due to working all the time. Or maybe it turns out you never needed the extra money from your job because everything was fine financially but you kept working out of fear and then in 10 years regret not quitting and losing out on all that time with your family. All we can is make the best choices based on our tolerance for uncertainty and our core values, which obviously may be in conflict.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness -
good luck with your decision, I know it is so hard.

DP, but another poster considering quitting (I make closer to 200k) and am agonizing over the decision. My husband earns more than I do, but my income definitely contributes to our lifestyle. That said, I really want to be home with my kids and if money was no object, that’s what I’d be doing right now. I’m just scared to give up my income and earning potential, and fear how difficult it is to get back into a similar job.

I’m the poster you responded to - honestly for me the fear of never being able to get another job didn’t go away, it just was outweighed by the fear of looking back and regretting not spending time with my kids. The uncertainty around the state of the world actually made my choice easier - it’s not like if everything truly falls apart the couple hundred thousand more dollars or even million dollars we would save by me continuing to work will actually make a difference - we’ll all be screwed unless we’re billionaires and in that case I know I will want my time to be with my family not at some dumb company.

Pp here. Thanks for replying. Your post gives me a little more courage to follow my heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strongly considering leaving my job to stay home with my 6 and 10 year old kids. All post-Covid flexibility seems to be gone in both DH’s and my fields - he is back working long hours in the office 5 days a week and I can work from home 2X per week but find myself having to be in early or work late far too often on the days I am in the office. We feel like this is taking a toll on our kids - we are rarely around, recently have missed a ton of school events due to work conflicts/travel, DH and I are distracted and stressed 24/7 and trying to get dinner on the table or manage household chores is a nightmare (and we already outsource plenty). Having 2 FT working parents with very demanding jobs has just become too much.

For all the above and more, I am thinking about resigning but am very conflicted. I have spent the past 20+ years building my career and I genuinely enjoy working and challenging myself. I have looked for other, more flexible opportunities but there is truly nothing that is going to be strictly 9 to 5 and still pay anywhere close to what I make (open to a pay cut but not 50% less), and I don’t need to trade one demanding job for another.

My biggest hesitation is stepping back now when my kids are already in elementary and gone every day from 8:30-4/5pm between school and activities. Is this really the time to let it all go? I worry about what I will do when they are in high school and beyond, and it will be very challenging to get back into the corporate workforce as a 50yo woman. Additionally, losing my salary (over $400K) will mean we need to seriously adjust our lifestyle, and we can do it but that also comes at a cost.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and decided to leave? Was it the right decision or do you regret it?

Open to any and all advice!

If you have to ask an anonymous forum that generally leans more hostile toward SAHMs and frequently responds with thinly-disguised condescension such as “do what you want but I’d be sooooo bored!” to get validation for this choice, then I’d say yes, you’ll probably regret it.

I did not regret it and I really cherish the time I spent with my children at that age and younger. You can’t get it back.
But I’d imagine it would be miserable for
someone who was already questioning the career sacrifice.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know your field but would consider a step back vs fully leaving. I make a lot less money than you but given uncertainty with my DH’s job right now am glad I kept mine. I also know so many women who divorced and really couldn’t have (or maybe wouldn’t have) within their jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no right answer, OP. I quit and hated it. Not the actual staying home part but the loss of identity and inability to see my own future growth. I got really depressed within 6 months and went back to work after 7 months.

Life was so much simpler when I stayed home though. The house was clean, laundry done, good, healthy food, kids school stuff taken care of, etc. Oh well. I’m just not meant for that life.

Your identity as a grant writer or whatever isn’t a more “real” identity than a SAHM. Smart people don’t base their identity on who pays them.

DP but ?? Why such hostility toward a thoughtful post that was reflecting on herself and not projecting on everyone else ?

It’s not hostility. Just pushing back on the idea that identity is something you have because of what you do rather than something you simply possess and build within yourself.

[Anonymous]

I don't regret any of it and I quit when they started elementary.

However, I'd always thought I could easily get a version of my job back. I didn't foresee it would go fully remote / outsource to cheaper states. It's very, very hard to get in now as remote work is crazy competitive.

[Anonymous]

I’m in a similar situation as OP and really appreciate this thread. I find it frustrating caring for small kids and wouldn’t have stayed home with them, but now that both kids are in school full time it would be ideal. I am super burnt out at work, working constantly and under extreme stress. I quit about 6 months ago for an in-house job because I thought it would be less stress, but it’s just been worse. I have a chronic health condition that is getting worse and not being treated. And I have a kid with SN who has started to need a lot of help with school. We haven’t been able to find steady outside help so we are constantly navigating flaky nannies who quit or can’t come to work, just adding more stress on everyone. My marriage has suffered from all of this stress — everything I have goes to work and the kids and there’s nothing left for DH. The stress at home causes us to fight and generally create a tense environment at home that impacts the kids too.

I’m someone who really fears the worst like if I quit and husband lost his job - but this thread is helping me to sort through this. I could definitely do consulting and keep a toe in my industry. It’s helpful to hear from everyone who had successful careers who don’t regret quitting. And helpful to hear the kids continue to need their parents.

[Anonymous]

Check out the thread in the tween/teen forum about if kids who are older respect their SAH parents. The hardcore SAH parents claim they do but that's not the majority opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Check out the thread in the tween/teen forum about if kids who are older respect their SAH parents. The hardcore SAH parents claim they do but that's not the majority opinion.

This is so interesting - I will check that out. My 8 year old is desperate for a SAHM and most of her friends have one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Check out the thread in the tween/teen forum about if kids who are older respect their SAH parents. The hardcore SAH parents claim they do but that's not the majority opinion.

This is so interesting - I will check that out. My 8 year old is desperate for a SAHM and most of her friends have one.

Most tweens/teens go through a period of disrespecting their parents regardless of whether they SAH or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strongly considering leaving my job to stay home with my 6 and 10 year old kids. All post-Covid flexibility seems to be gone in both DH’s and my fields - he is back working long hours in the office 5 days a week and I can work from home 2X per week but find myself having to be in early or work late far too often on the days I am in the office. We feel like this is taking a toll on our kids - we are rarely around, recently have missed a ton of school events due to work conflicts/travel, DH and I are distracted and stressed 24/7 and trying to get dinner on the table or manage household chores is a nightmare (and we already outsource plenty). Having 2 FT working parents with very demanding jobs has just become too much.

For all the above and more, I am thinking about resigning but am very conflicted. I have spent the past 20+ years building my career and I genuinely enjoy working and challenging myself. I have looked for other, more flexible opportunities but there is truly nothing that is going to be strictly 9 to 5 and still pay anywhere close to what I make (open to a pay cut but not 50% less), and I don’t need to trade one demanding job for another.

My biggest hesitation is stepping back now when my kids are already in elementary and gone every day from 8:30-4/5pm between school and activities. Is this really the time to let it all go? I worry about what I will do when they are in high school and beyond, and it will be very challenging to get back into the corporate workforce as a 50yo woman. Additionally, losing my salary (over $400K) will mean we need to seriously adjust our lifestyle, and we can do it but that also comes at a cost.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and decided to leave? Was it the right decision or do you regret it?

Open to any and all advice!

OP I just had my last day at work after wrestling with similar issues you outlined (although I make slightly less than you ($350k), husband makes an amount that lifestyle will not need to adjust much and kids are younger at 2 and 5).

So no advice since I’m just starting the SAH chapter but I also made the decision bc it was all just so overwhelming. Some people seem to handle it all fine - good for them (seriously). They like “getting back online” after the kids go to bed - ok well I want to hang out with my husband then, not do more work! They are ok spending a good chunk of salary on outsourcing cooking and cleaning and childcare and managing those employees so they can sit at a computer all day - that’s great if it makes them happy! I hate managing household employees and would much rather clean and cook myself than negotiate an NDA for the ten thousandth time or sit on yet another Teams meeting or feel my blood pressure rise when I hear another email come in on my phone at 10pm!

I’ve posted before asking for similar advice and people will pipe up from both extremes, either fearmongering about divorce and being left destitute or saying your kids will turn out to be criminals unless you stay at home. Neither is true, trust your gut - people value different things and that’s fine. Some need more security around relationship demise, some really get a lot of personal satisfaction from their jobs, some think everyone is lazy unless they are spending their day emailing back and forth - those people have personal values that align to not quitting and that’s ok.

Only you know what is more important to you and what things you want to risk - life is risky no matter what decisions we make, we might regret quitting because it turns out we did need money later, we might regret not quitting because we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness and we’d rather have been happy and patient and creating a calm, peaceful home for our family in those interim years rather than being stressed and chaotic due to working all the time. Or maybe it turns out you never needed the extra money from your job because everything was fine financially but you kept working out of fear and then in 10 years regret not quitting and losing out on all that time with your family. All we can is make the best choices based on our tolerance for uncertainty and our core values, which obviously may be in conflict.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness -
good luck with your decision, I know it is so hard.

DP, but another poster considering quitting (I make closer to 200k) and am agonizing over the decision. My husband earns more than I do, but my income definitely contributes to our lifestyle. That said, I really want to be home with my kids and if money was no object, that’s what I’d be doing right now. I’m just scared to give up my income and earning potential, and fear how difficult it is to get back into a similar job.

I’m the poster you responded to - honestly for me the fear of never being able to get another job didn’t go away, it just was outweighed by the fear of looking back and regretting not spending time with my kids. The uncertainty around the state of the world actually made my choice easier - it’s not like if everything truly falls apart the couple hundred thousand more dollars or even million dollars we would save by me continuing to work will actually make a difference - we’ll all be screwed unless we’re billionaires and in that case I know I will want my time to be with my family not at some dumb company.

Pp here. Thanks for replying. Your post gives me a little more courage to follow my heart.

+1 very depressing but this is our calculus as well. And also our policy adjacent fields feel pretty pointless and unfulfilling right now.

- NP

[Anonymous]

I’m considering it, but I make $130k and my kid is almost 4. Husband makes more so if I quit we’d be living paycheck to paycheck, which isn’t ideal, but survivable. Stacking my paycheck now to pad up our savings.

My industry is in a downward spiral—having to do more with less, and I don’t see it improving, even at a new job. For the past month because of my workload the lack of time with my kid is really getting to me. I now pick him up an hour later than usual bc of work. Or resign to working after his bedtime. Super depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in a similar situation as OP and really appreciate this thread. I find it frustrating caring for small kids and wouldn’t have stayed home with them, but now that both kids are in school full time it would be ideal. I am super burnt out at work, working constantly and under extreme stress. I quit about 6 months ago for an in-house job because I thought it would be less stress, but it’s just been worse. I have a chronic health condition that is getting worse and not being treated. And I have a kid with SN who has started to need a lot of help with school. We haven’t been able to find steady outside help so we are constantly navigating flaky nannies who quit or can’t come to work, just adding more stress on everyone. My marriage has suffered from all of this stress — everything I have goes to work and the kids and there’s nothing left for DH. The stress at home causes us to fight and generally create a tense environment at home that impacts the kids too.

I’m someone who really fears the worst like if I quit and husband lost his job - but this thread is helping me to sort through this. I could definitely do consulting and keep a toe in my industry. It’s helpful to hear from everyone who had successful careers who don’t regret quitting. And helpful to hear the kids continue to need their parents.

I would not stay home in a not stable marriage situation. I would look for a less demanding flexible job and take a pay cut.