Will I regret ending my career to stay home with ES age kids?

[Anonymous]

Can you work part time or reduced hours?

[Anonymous]

If you do quit to SAH, make sure your husband is 1000% on board and you talk through what it means for both of you and for your marriage. My husband came to resent the fact that I was home and started giving me performance reviews all the time about what kind of parent and what kind of housekeeper I was. I went back to work and was much happier, and we are heading for divorce now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strongly considering leaving my job to stay home with my 6 and 10 year old kids. All post-Covid flexibility seems to be gone in both DH’s and my fields - he is back working long hours in the office 5 days a week and I can work from home 2X per week but find myself having to be in early or work late far too often on the days I am in the office. We feel like this is taking a toll on our kids - we are rarely around, recently have missed a ton of school events due to work conflicts/travel, DH and I are distracted and stressed 24/7 and trying to get dinner on the table or manage household chores is a nightmare (and we already outsource plenty). Having 2 FT working parents with very demanding jobs has just become too much.

Outsource more.
If you are making 400k, and I assume your Dh makes just as much or more (if not, he should be the one to to quit and be a SAHP) you can afford full time help at home.
Yes, full time even though you are working from home 2 days a week. Have this person do the grocery shopping, the meal making, helping to drive kids to activities--basically pay them to be the SAHP.
And people will say "Nannies don't do X (whatever non-child related chore)"
So don't hire a "nanny," hire a "household manager" or assistant. If you pay enough money, you'll be able to find someone that can do what you need.

[Anonymous]

In this economic environment, I would not count on either your or your husband’s job being 100% solid. And, while, yes, elementary (and middle and high school) kids still need involved parents, they IMO do not need a parent at home full time.
I would not quit unless you have a solid plan to do consulting work, i.e. have actual clients lined up for work. I would first lean out a bit at your job and see how that goes, can you pull back a bit, enforce boundaries more, etc. And, hire more help. A $400k salary could hire a FT household manager with a lot left over and seems a better investment than giving up a career at this stage.
FWIW, I was a mostly-SAHM when my kids were babies through youngest started kindergarten. Throughout those years I always did freelance work for former employers/colleagues. I had enough work that I regularly turned down projects. I had no trouble returning to a FT job once the kids were in ES. But, I was in my early 40s, not mid-50s and could show a resume of continuing work.

Yes, the balance was challenging but my kids liked going to aftercare to play with their friends for a couple hours every day and they didn’t do any really time-intensive ECs (by their choice). Older kids need you to be available to talk, but a chat at bedtime, while you are driving them somewhere, or texting are more likely to fill that need vs. being there when they walk in the door after school.

I’m very glad I went back to work FT because my husband ended up getting laid off when we had one in college and one in high school. We’re fine financially because we prioritized saving our 2nd income (DH and I had similar salaries) for college and retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar position (but I make under 200k and my kids are younger) and just posted about this in the sn forum since one of my kids requires additional support. Have the same concerns as you do

You don’t make much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, you won’t regret it. Your kids will benefit and you will too. It’s only 12 years and then you can focus on your career again if you like.

When she’s 60? Ok Janie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not easy to be a 50 yo woman with no professional identity.

Yes!!!
Thank you for point this out! So hard! It was literally and identity crisis.

I can see that happening.

Since I am a non-White highly educated immigrant and do not follow the American cultural norms, I had literally zero identity crisis in being a SAHM. My ILs, my parents, kids, DH - everyone was grateful and continue to be so. Being a SAHM was considered a sacrifice for someone like me who had multiple college degrees and a good career. Because, even when I was working, I was still parenting and taking care of the household. It was only that when I became a SAHM, I could solely concentrate on my kids and household. So the sacrifice of my career was impacting only me.
My earnings were not significant compared to my DH. And my quitting or working did not derail us financially.

But, I would have had a huge identity crisis and feeling of inadequacy if my kids were not thriving in their academics, ECs, health, career, personal life, social connections, hobbies etc. That remains the reason that DH and I even now prioritize being connected as a family with our adult children so that we can be of help to them and their families.

Being a SAHM is considered being the X-factor in our family's success.

Shut up

[Anonymous]

Honestly you will regret it either way. You have to decide what you would regret more. I ended up quitting.

[Anonymous]

Nobody regrets being a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

SAHM trumps everything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you do quit to SAH, make sure your husband is 1000% on board and you talk through what it means for both of you and for your marriage. My husband came to resent the fact that I was home and started giving me performance reviews all the time about what kind of parent and what kind of housekeeper I was. I went back to work and was much happier, and we are heading for divorce now.

+100

My DH was the same, and the damage to our marriage is still not entirely repaired. Though I’ve been long back at work.

I really really would not, OP.

[Anonymous]

You make a ton of money. I would try getting boundaries or going part time before you quit but I do get it. We have 2 full time working parents without a lot of flexibility and it is too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody regrets being a SAHM.

This is simply not true. It is boring and garners little respect, often from spouses as well.

[Anonymous]

You need to figure out a way to get you or your husband the flexibility to leave their job each day and be home with the kids. The lower paid spouse needs to lean out, take a different job, whatever. It does not need to involve quitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s no way I would quit under your circumstances. Only if one of the kids has special needs.

They all have needs.

You clearly don’t have a special needs child, pp. I have one with mild needs and one with severe needs. The amount of work the high needs child requires is amazing. You truly have no idea.

Nothing meant to take away from the unrelenting demands of special needs. The point that NT kids need their parents too.

And the needs of 2 neurotypical children can easily be met when both parents work.