Will I regret ending my career to stay home with ES age kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For over $400k salary, I would not quit. I can pay for many helpers or pay for live in nanny to run errands around the house. It seems like that OP can live fine with one income from her spouse, but I still think $400k is a lot of money to give up. I would only quit if it is due to health issues or family matters that need immediate care and attention.

I gave up a salary like this. If you can afford it long term (and that last part is important), I would do it based on your post, OP. People on this board are money obsessed, but the point of money is to support your life not to control it.

People also overestimate the benefits paid help. Maybe that works for some families, but we personally don't like having anyone living with us. We admittedly don't have a huge house, but we're also just homebodies and introverted and don't always want a nanny or housekeeper around, no matter how much we like them. Grocery delivery sucks, they substitute weird things and bring rotten fruit. We've never been able to find a way to outsource dinners that seems efficient and results in quality, homemade food. I could go on, but none of the outsourcing ever felt like a huge benefit to us, just more stuff to manage.

One of the great benefits to me of having a very high salary like that is that I could do it short term and buy myself out of a stressful existence longer term. Once we'd saved enough to have a solid start on retirement savings, enough for kids' college, updates to our older home that made it what we wanted longer term, it was easy to give up. It's priceless for us to have a spouse that can manage everything on the home front and reduces stress for the entire family in running the day to day.

+100000

I’m a working mom with a close to similar salary as OP and saving all I can so I can exit this rat race.

I can’t wait to hang with my kids, play tennis during the day, cook nice meals in my gorgeous kitchen, start a garden and do whatever I want. I can’t imagine never having to enter PTO again. My husband will be thrilled for me to simply enjoy my life and not have to work.

Most people on here are lying to themselves about how much they like working. If they won the lottery they would quit their jobs so fast and never look back.

[Anonymous]

At your salary level, I would consider hiring a full time household manager and staying with your job.

In the current environment, if you get lucky you will find a laid off fed with a great education who can help you and your family stay on track as your job becomes more in person.
You are still working from home twice weekly to supervise her, and are working somewhat shorter hours than your husband

It would be smarter to stay a two income household in this economy, just in case something happens to your husband's job.

On a practical level, make sure the household manager your hire is not someone your husband would ever consider having an affair with. I am sorry for being so crude, things happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Strongly considering leaving my job to stay home with my 6 and 10 year old kids. All post-Covid flexibility seems to be gone in both DH’s and my fields - he is back working long hours in the office 5 days a week and I can work from home 2X per week but find myself having to be in early or work late far too often on the days I am in the office. We feel like this is taking a toll on our kids - we are rarely around, recently have missed a ton of school events due to work conflicts/travel, DH and I are distracted and stressed 24/7 and trying to get dinner on the table or manage household chores is a nightmare (and we already outsource plenty). Having 2 FT working parents with very demanding jobs has just become too much.

For all the above and more, I am thinking about resigning but am very conflicted. I have spent the past 20+ years building my career and I genuinely enjoy working and challenging myself. I have looked for other, more flexible opportunities but there is truly nothing that is going to be strictly 9 to 5 and still pay anywhere close to what I make (open to a pay cut but not 50% less), and I don’t need to trade one demanding job for another.

My biggest hesitation is stepping back now when my kids are already in elementary and gone every day from 8:30-4/5pm between school and activities. Is this really the time to let it all go? I worry about what I will do when they are in high school and beyond, and it will be very challenging to get back into the corporate workforce as a 50yo woman. Additionally, losing my salary (over $400K) will mean we need to seriously adjust our lifestyle, and we can do it but that also comes at a cost.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and decided to leave? Was it the right decision or do you regret it?

Open to any and all advice!

OP I just had my last day at work after wrestling with similar issues you outlined (although I make slightly less than you ($350k), husband makes an amount that lifestyle will not need to adjust much and kids are younger at 2 and 5).

So no advice since I’m just starting the SAH chapter but I also made the decision bc it was all just so overwhelming. Some people seem to handle it all fine - good for them (seriously). They like “getting back online” after the kids go to bed - ok well I want to hang out with my husband then, not do more work! They are ok spending a good chunk of salary on outsourcing cooking and cleaning and childcare and managing those employees so they can sit at a computer all day - that’s great if it makes them happy! I hate managing household employees and would much rather clean and cook myself than negotiate an NDA for the ten thousandth time or sit on yet another Teams meeting or feel my blood pressure rise when I hear another email come in on my phone at 10pm!

I’ve posted before asking for similar advice and people will pipe up from both extremes, either fearmongering about divorce and being left destitute or saying your kids will turn out to be criminals unless you stay at home. Neither is true, trust your gut - people value different things and that’s fine. Some need more security around relationship demise, some really get a lot of personal satisfaction from their jobs, some think everyone is lazy unless they are spending their day emailing back and forth - those people have personal values that align to not quitting and that’s ok.

Only you know what is more important to you and what things you want to risk - life is risky no matter what decisions we make, we might regret quitting because it turns out we did need money later, we might regret not quitting because we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness and we’d rather have been happy and patient and creating a calm, peaceful home for our family in those interim years rather than being stressed and chaotic due to working all the time. Or maybe it turns out you never needed the extra money from your job because everything was fine financially but you kept working out of fear and then in 10 years regret not quitting and losing out on all that time with your family. All we can is make the best choices based on our tolerance for uncertainty and our core values, which obviously may be in conflict.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness -
good luck with your decision, I know it is so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would honestly try just leaning out a little bit. Ive seen people do this and have no one notice. Get back to people a little more slowly, say you have a conflict for late afternoon meetings. I'd try that first.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s no way I would quit under your circumstances. Only if one of the kids has special needs.

This.

[Anonymous]

There is no right answer, OP. I quit and hated it. Not the actual staying home part but the loss of identity and inability to see my own future growth. I got really depressed within 6 months and went back to work after 7 months.

Life was so much simpler when I stayed home though. The house was clean, laundry done, good, healthy food, kids school stuff taken care of, etc. Oh well. I’m just not meant for that life.

[Anonymous]

You will regret it.

[Anonymous]

Hell no not if your salary is 400k. But if you make that much won’t you have enough power at your job to negotiate hours? Or go down to 50 % ? If your colleagues/clients etc can’t get on the bus about the new hours you need to work the I would suggest switching jobs to something similar but where you can start fresh with more self imposed limits on your availability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At your salary level, I would consider hiring a full time household manager and staying with your job.

In the current environment, if you get lucky you will find a laid off fed with a great education who can help you and your family stay on track as your job becomes more in person.
You are still working from home twice weekly to supervise her, and are working somewhat shorter hours than your husband

It would be smarter to stay a two income household in this economy, just in case something happens to your husband's job.

On a practical level, make sure the household manager your hire is not someone your husband would ever consider having an affair with. I am sorry for being so crude, things happen.

This is so insulting to laid off feds.

[Anonymous]

I left a higher paying job when kids were in MS. I never regretted that decision. it was not quite 50%, but a significant salary difference. It did allow me to WFH and was very flexible, meaning I could start work at 5 AM, stop for a few hours mid day and do more work after the kids went to bed, if/when necessary. It was 100% the right decision for me and my family.

Nine years later, my division was cut and I was looking for a position (early 50s). I lost a lot of flexibility in this new role. I know now I will never regret taking a lower salary for a more flexible position when kids were ES/MS years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no right answer, OP. I quit and hated it. Not the actual staying home part but the loss of identity and inability to see my own future growth. I got really depressed within 6 months and went back to work after 7 months.

Life was so much simpler when I stayed home though. The house was clean, laundry done, good, healthy food, kids school stuff taken care of, etc. Oh well. I’m just not meant for that life.

Your identity as a grant writer or whatever isn’t a more “real” identity than a SAHM. Smart people don’t base their identity on who pays them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no right answer, OP. I quit and hated it. Not the actual staying home part but the loss of identity and inability to see my own future growth. I got really depressed within 6 months and went back to work after 7 months.

Life was so much simpler when I stayed home though. The house was clean, laundry done, good, healthy food, kids school stuff taken care of, etc. Oh well. I’m just not meant for that life.

Your identity as a grant writer or whatever isn’t a more “real” identity than a SAHM. Smart people don’t base their identity on who pays them.

DP but ?? Why such hostility toward a thoughtful post that was reflecting on herself and not projecting on everyone else ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At your salary level, I would consider hiring a full time household manager and staying with your job.

In the current environment, if you get lucky you will find a laid off fed with a great education who can help you and your family stay on track as your job becomes more in person.
You are still working from home twice weekly to supervise her, and are working somewhat shorter hours than your husband

It would be smarter to stay a two income household in this economy, just in case something happens to your husband's job.

On a practical level, make sure the household manager your hire is not someone your husband would ever consider having an affair with. I am sorry for being so crude, things happen.

This is so insulting to laid off feds.

As a fed with many degrees but a knack for organizing, cooking and cleaning, I actually think this sounds pretty awesome. Sort of my dream, maybe once my kids are older and don’t need me to do it for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Strongly considering leaving my job to stay home with my 6 and 10 year old kids. All post-Covid flexibility seems to be gone in both DH’s and my fields - he is back working long hours in the office 5 days a week and I can work from home 2X per week but find myself having to be in early or work late far too often on the days I am in the office. We feel like this is taking a toll on our kids - we are rarely around, recently have missed a ton of school events due to work conflicts/travel, DH and I are distracted and stressed 24/7 and trying to get dinner on the table or manage household chores is a nightmare (and we already outsource plenty). Having 2 FT working parents with very demanding jobs has just become too much.

For all the above and more, I am thinking about resigning but am very conflicted. I have spent the past 20+ years building my career and I genuinely enjoy working and challenging myself. I have looked for other, more flexible opportunities but there is truly nothing that is going to be strictly 9 to 5 and still pay anywhere close to what I make (open to a pay cut but not 50% less), and I don’t need to trade one demanding job for another.

My biggest hesitation is stepping back now when my kids are already in elementary and gone every day from 8:30-4/5pm between school and activities. Is this really the time to let it all go? I worry about what I will do when they are in high school and beyond, and it will be very challenging to get back into the corporate workforce as a 50yo woman. Additionally, losing my salary (over $400K) will mean we need to seriously adjust our lifestyle, and we can do it but that also comes at a cost.

Has anyone else been in my shoes and decided to leave? Was it the right decision or do you regret it?

Open to any and all advice!

OP I just had my last day at work after wrestling with similar issues you outlined (although I make slightly less than you ($350k), husband makes an amount that lifestyle will not need to adjust much and kids are younger at 2 and 5).

So no advice since I’m just starting the SAH chapter but I also made the decision bc it was all just so overwhelming. Some people seem to handle it all fine - good for them (seriously). They like “getting back online” after the kids go to bed - ok well I want to hang out with my husband then, not do more work! They are ok spending a good chunk of salary on outsourcing cooking and cleaning and childcare and managing those employees so they can sit at a computer all day - that’s great if it makes them happy! I hate managing household employees and would much rather clean and cook myself than negotiate an NDA for the ten thousandth time or sit on yet another Teams meeting or feel my blood pressure rise when I hear another email come in on my phone at 10pm!

I’ve posted before asking for similar advice and people will pipe up from both extremes, either fearmongering about divorce and being left destitute or saying your kids will turn out to be criminals unless you stay at home. Neither is true, trust your gut - people value different things and that’s fine. Some need more security around relationship demise, some really get a lot of personal satisfaction from their jobs, some think everyone is lazy unless they are spending their day emailing back and forth - those people have personal values that align to not quitting and that’s ok.

Only you know what is more important to you and what things you want to risk - life is risky no matter what decisions we make, we might regret quitting because it turns out we did need money later, we might regret not quitting because we’re diagnosed with a terminal illness and we’d rather have been happy and patient and creating a calm, peaceful home for our family in those interim years rather than being stressed and chaotic due to working all the time. Or maybe it turns out you never needed the extra money from your job because everything was fine financially but you kept working out of fear and then in 10 years regret not quitting and losing out on all that time with your family. All we can is make the best choices based on our tolerance for uncertainty and our core values, which obviously may be in conflict.

Sorry for the stream of consciousness -
good luck with your decision, I know it is so hard.

DP, but another poster considering quitting (I make closer to 200k) and am agonizing over the decision. My husband earns more than I do, but my income definitely contributes to our lifestyle. That said, I really want to be home with my kids and if money was no object, that’s what I’d be doing right now. I’m just scared to give up my income and earning potential, and fear how difficult it is to get back into a similar job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At your salary level, I would consider hiring a full time household manager and staying with your job.

In the current environment, if you get lucky you will find a laid off fed with a great education who can help you and your family stay on track as your job becomes more in person.
You are still working from home twice weekly to supervise her, and are working somewhat shorter hours than your husband

It would be smarter to stay a two income household in this economy, just in case something happens to your husband's job.

On a practical level, make sure the household manager your hire is not someone your husband would ever consider having an affair with. I am sorry for being so crude, things happen.

This is so insulting to laid off feds.

Why is it insulting? Some of the laid off fed moms have been posting exactly this on our neighborhood Facebook group -- offering to do household/childcare tasks for money. It's an honest job and people need to pay their rent, I guess.