How do you deal with friends having affairs?

[Anonymous]

I cut the cheater out of my life forever. I don’t want to be friends with someone that awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

Wow, OP. So this is the real crux of it. You are using your children’s friendships as a smokescreen for why you aren’t being honest with your friend. But really it’s all about protecting your social life. Be a person of integrity and confront your friend. Time to talk about the elephant in the room. Tell her what you have observed, and that many people have speculated that they are having an affair - including your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

Wow, OP. So this is the real crux of it. You are using your children’s friendships as a smokescreen for why you aren’t being honest with your friend. But really it’s all about protecting your social life. Be a person of integrity and confront your friend. Time to talk about the elephant in the room. Tell her what you have observed, and that many people have speculated that they are having an affair - including your children.

+1. Including her children it sounds like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

Wow, OP. So this is the real crux of it. You are using your children’s friendships as a smokescreen for why you aren’t being honest with your friend. But really it’s all about protecting your social life. Be a person of integrity and confront your friend. Time to talk about the elephant in the room. Tell her what you have observed, and that many people have speculated that they are having an affair - including your children.

Many people don’t want to upset their own comfortable lives to do the right thing. My sister was doubly devastated when the truth came out and she was the proverbial last one to know. “Friends” she had known for decades either kept quiet or abetted her husband’s affair.

[Anonymous]

Some wild stuff being normalized for those kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

Wow, OP. So this is the real crux of it. You are using your children’s friendships as a smokescreen for why you aren’t being honest with your friend. But really it’s all about protecting your social life. Be a person of integrity and confront your friend. Time to talk about the elephant in the room. Tell her what you have observed, and that many people have speculated that they are having an affair - including your children.

+1. Including her children it sounds like.

I wouldn’t choose this approach. Bad advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I accidentally found out my close friend I know for decades is having an affair, I know the lover who is from our friend's circle. I am not sure how to handle it logistically as I am compelled to distance myself from this and withdraw. I don't want to play the game, the family is close to us and we hang out a lot. The "lover" is also a part of our bigger friend circle.. Which makes things awkward and psychologically draining for me and the older kids who know what's going on.

I decided boundaries are needed, I ghosted the "lover" and excluded from any gatherings. I don't know how to bring this up to the friend and I definitely do not want to meddle into their family life, it's a burden and I don't really know how to get it off my chest. am I being selfish? I just don't have mental and psychological strength to deal with it as I am having a lot of other things in my life and on my plate dragging me down..

How did you find out and whose children know? If kids know, I can't believe it wouldn't get out at some point?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't keep a friend who has affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My response would depend a lot on my relationship with the husband (weird you don't mention him much). If he was a close friend as well, I'd tell my friend she needs to come clean or I will. I would not keep a secret like this from a close friend.

If you're more like friendly acquaintances with the husband, I'd just mind my business.

It's the latter situation. While I am close with the friend, I am not really close with the spouse. Our kids are close friends and I cannot break things up

And why would you? You sound overly dramatic. I'm not a cheater and I don't condone it, but why would it affect your kids' friendship? Come on.

[Anonymous]

Yall are so melodramatic. Get out of other people’s bedrooms. Your kids are friends; let them play. Teach your kids not to gossip about ish that has nothing to do with them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lord. How'd you find out? Your kids know? How old are they?

teens. I am not going to say how, and TBH I do not have proof of sexual contact, just behavior and other friends hinting on it as if they suspected. It's another reason I am not confronting the friend as I cannot accuse anyone of cheating if I do not have undeniable proof. But the "lover" did/said something that revealed things to me and in a manner traumatic to me, and it's why I didn't want to be around this person.

You sound like you love the drama, honestly.

[Anonymous]

I ended a friendship because my friend was cheating repeatedly on her husband. She kept saying when the kids are out of the house, she would divorce and I held on. But when that didn't happen, I ended my friendship with her.

I have to be honest, part of the reason was jealousy for me because I am a divorced woman trying to find a good partner and it is very tough out there. Meanwhile, she gets all the benefits of being a wife and having an amazing love life on the side... not fair! And when I shared my dismay with her about my efforts, she would make me feel bad by stating how easy it was for her to find all these amazing guys or she would tell me that it was hopeless for me because there are no good guys out there.

Anyway, I am glad that I ended that friendship because it wasn't serving me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Those teens are feeling their chemistry— I’m sure it is palpable. Don’t lie to your kids

I can't, they are old enough to have their own opinions and also distance themselves. They don't want to distance from their friends, it's not their fault. It's adults screwing things up, and a sad adult like myself caught in the middle inadvertently and not handling this burden well.

Why are you respoonsible for handling a burden here? The. Kids. Can. Get. Together. Under their own steam. They aren't little kids. Meanwhile you can stop being caught in the middle by removing this woman from your life. If this is a case of "But we're in a larger social group of families that do things together" etc. -- you are not too old to find new friends and break out of the social circle stuff. Yes, I'm the PP from above. I just am sorry to keep hearing you sound like you feel so trapped and have to keep the relationship. You really don't have to!

Sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not just about the kids, it's about me as well. I do not want to break the friendship that means so much to me, I just feel like my world is crushed. Especially if I have to break away from the entire circle my social life (whatever little I have) revolves around for years now. I have memories going back years, photos, trips together, going through difficult decisions together and it's just one of them, a challenge. I don't think that doing what you suggest to do will make me better psychologically. I think this will be something I will deeply regret. The "lover" may be a temporary thing and I already distanced my family from this person. Now I need to make sure my friend knows and makes a decision appropriately.

The future of their marriage or the affair shouldn't be my concern to control in any way. My burden is that my friend doesn't know about my feelings about the "lover" and why. And this is what needs addressing. If something happens and divorce is in the picture and the "lover" suddenly becomes a new spouse then it's possible that I will be the one dumped.. But in that case it will be my friend betraying me and I won't have regrets that our journey had ended.

Wow, OP. So this is the real crux of it. You are using your children’s friendships as a smokescreen for why you aren’t being honest with your friend. But really it’s all about protecting your social life. Be a person of integrity and confront your friend. Time to talk about the elephant in the room. Tell her what you have observed, and that many people have speculated that they are having an affair - including your children.

+1000

OP, unless you are able to talk to this woman face to face and frankly, you are not actually friends. Not real friends. She's part of this "social circle" you want to maintain, and all those photos and memories--how many are about actually deep stuff, shared difficulties, shared emotion?

Your posts are strongly indicating you feel you will lose your whole social circle and all friendships if you ditch this ONE person.. Asking seriously and not with criticism: Do you not have other friendships outside this particular circle?

Listen to the PP above. Have the integrity to talk to her face to face. This is eating you up or you wouldn't be here asking strangers for a read on it. You are giving this person's terrible choices a HUGE amount of your mental real estate, OP; why are you permitting that? Tell her that people are speculating she is having an affair and yes, be clear that the teenagers all believe it too. I think you won't because you're scared of her, frankly -- scared thta she will cut YOU out and maybe even separate her teens from yours, if you are honest with her. But you can have integrity, or you can have her friendship and keep the whole social circle nice and safe. While eating yourself up inside and while you model for your teens that, eh, whatever, people who cheat are fine by you. You don't mean for your kids to get that message, but they are kids, and that is how they'll read your actions. What will you choose to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ended a friendship because my friend was cheating repeatedly on her husband. She kept saying when the kids are out of the house, she would divorce and I held on. But when that didn't happen, I ended my friendship with her.

I have to be honest, part of the reason was jealousy for me because I am a divorced woman trying to find a good partner and it is very tough out there. Meanwhile, she gets all the benefits of being a wife and having an amazing love life on the side... not fair! And when I shared my dismay with her about my efforts, she would make me feel bad by stating how easy it was for her to find all these amazing guys or she would tell me that it was hopeless for me because there are no good guys out there.

Anyway, I am glad that I ended that friendship because it wasn't serving me.

DP. Wow. I'm so sorry, PP; she sounds like a terrible person. Not only for cheating and using the "I'll divorce, I'm waiting for the kids..." lie, but also for the highly contradictory and hypocritical crap she said to you. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

I would distance myself immediately and permanently. It’s a character issue.